JSB

13th May 2010 - 12:45 PM

Dave

12th May 2010 - 11:20 PM

any one got a link or info on Bean Poles site, he was a trader on the old board.

Top bloke by all acounts.

http://www.freewebs.com/thebigwiggle

Knock-off Nigel

13th May 2010 - 09:55 AM

Dave

12th May 2010 - 11:20 PM

any one got a link or info on Bean Poles site, he was a trader on the old board.

Top bloke by all acounts.

Cheers

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That was Squat Rocker, wasn't it?

Should I feel insulted by this?

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Singles Match: Mr. Showtime vs Big Al Watson

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The opening power chords of ì18 ëtill I Dieî by Bryan Poofy Dadrocker strike up in the arena and we see Big Al Watson at the top of the ramp unmasked for the very first time, he has the word ëGimpí scrawled across his forehead in black marker pen for some reason. He gives the crowd the thumbs up and then strides purposefully down to the ring.

Next up is the doom laden rock of Queens of the Stoneageís ëNo One Knowsí as Mr Showtime makes his way down to the ring, much to the delight of the ladies in the audience.

Sir Kent: What a handsome chap Joey! It begs the question why you kept that beautiful visage trapped under that suffocating mask all those months?

Joey Holmes (producing the old mask from under the announcerís table): Here she is Kent, I shined her up real nice especially for tonight. What can I say? I love a nice mask, and this one exudes power, authority and menace. I will present it to the winner tonight, as a token of my appreciation for all the months of hard work and dedication these two young studs gave me over the years.

Sir Kent: Are you not in some way bitter that Showtime has stepped out of your shadow and made an overwhelming success of his own promotion, taking SCW to the top of the ratings, getting rave reviews from the internet community and taking sports entertainment to unprecedented levels of popularity?

Joey Holmes: When I see him there in that ring, all ripped and oiled up and in his prime of his manhood, making the ladies wet and then I look at myself here trapped in this metal chair shitting into a nappy with my false teeth and my deformed upper lip; I canít deny that it seems fate has dealt me a cruel, cruel blow.

---Match Highlights---

The two competitors face each other in the ring; your referee for this one is perfumed Swedish ponce, Anders Frisk. The bell rings and the first bout of the night is under way.

Showtime and Al slowly circle each other carefully eyeing each other up. Showtime begins clapping rhythmically above his head and the Slough faithful begin to join in. The atmosphere inside The Farnham Road Centre hasnít been this electric since Guru Josh played back in 1991. Eventually these two gladiators of the grappling game meet in the middle with a collar and elbow tie up. Showtime manoeuvres Al into a headlock, pulling him down to the mat so he can apply more leverage. Big Al scrambles for the ropes and Frisk has to pull off Showtime to break the hold. Al bails to the outside to compose himself as Showtime climbs a turnbuckle and poses for the crowd. Showtime climbs down from the turnbuckle and pulls the ropes apart gesturing Al to get back in the ring as the referee begins to count him out. Al stupidly falls for this goodwill gesture as he is taken down by a drop toehold on entering the ring, with Showtime seamlessly applying a single leg Boston Crab after the move. Al wails with pain as Showtime torques in the move. Al once again makes it to the ropes pulling himself to the outside. This time Showtime follows him to the outside working over Alís knee with short, sharp stomps. He pulls Al to his feet and whips him hard into the guardrail, following up a running clothesline which sends both men sprawling into the first row of the crowd. The crowd part and the teenage girls swoon as Showtime hoists up his opponent for an atomic drop which lands Al with his legs either side of the rail, smashing the metal into his groin. Showtime lands another clothesline on the prone Sheffield superstar sending him back to the ringside area. He rolls him into the ring and follows up with a quick hook of the leg for a one count. Showtime pins the shoulders again, this time rubbing his face with his exposed elbow, this time getting a two.

Showtime grabs the leg heís been working on and looks to be going for a variation of a leg lock, only for Al to shove him into the ropes using his legs. Al rolls him up on the rebound with a handful of tights to get a close two count, leaving Showtime with a look of shock on his face. Al gets to his feet gingerly as the two begin to trade punches in the centre of the ring. Showtime looks for the whip into the turnbuckle but it is reversed into the corner. Stinger splash from Al dazed Showtime as he follows up with a couple stiff backhanded chops in the corner. WHOOH! Al climbs the turnbuckle and goes for the ten punch which the crowd count out. However on six Showtime fights back grabbing hold of Al in position for a powerbomb. Al reverses into a sunset flip which Showtime wriggles out of on the two count. Itís Showtimeís turn to bail to the outside to compose his thoughts. Al begins shaking the ropes and feeding off the energy of the fans, and for the first time Showtime looks a bit worried.

Showtime dives in and is met with stomps from Al. Al hoists him up and kicks out his leg for a sweet snap suplex. Al goes up to the top rope and signals for the Sheffield Splash. Al flies through the air with all the grace of a Jimmy Superfly Snuka and eats canvas as Showtime rolls out of the way at the last minute. Al is rolling around clutching his knee. Frisk begins to the ten count as both men are downÖbut not out. Showtime makes it to his feet first and delivers a couple nasty shinbreakers on Al. Showtime lifts Alís leg off the canvas and drives it knee first into the mat. Showtime goes to lock in another single leg Boston crab, which Al manages to escape from again by pulling himself from the ring using the ropes. Whatís this? Al is looking under the ring for something, and after a while he emerges with a briefcase.

Al limps into the ring and goes to take a swing at Showtime with the case but Anders Frisk gets in the way to stop him dead in his tracks. Whatís this!!! Frisk seems to have been hit in the head by a firework thrown from the crowd. His bleach blonde bouffant looks to be on fire and he is cut wide open. Chaos ensues as Showtime checks on the stricken referee. Al sees his opportunity and cracks Showtime across the back from behind with the briefcase. Al opens the briefcase and empties the contents over the ring, a set of finest Sheffield steel cutlery! The ring is covered in knives, forks, spoons and other such implements as fire officers struggle to control Friskís blazing hair.

Joey Holmes: Quickly get another referee out here at once to replace this Buffoon. Someone get Colina this instant.

Meanwhile in the ring, Al has his opponent on his shoulders and delivers an almighty Steel City Slam right onto the pointy cutlery strewn about the mat. How sick is that! Al makes the cover as replacement ref Perluigi Colina runs down the ramp towards the ring to make the three count.

1ÖÖÖ.


2ÖÖÖ..


Kick out!!

Absolutely amazing how on Godís green earth did he survive that one? Showtime rolls onto his belly and we see his back has been torn to shreds as he tries to pull forks and other feeding instruments from his lacerated skin. Al is infuriated now as he delivers several stiff kicks to the back of Showtimeís head. He takes Showtimeís ankle and places it inside the briefcase and mounts the turnbuckle. Al gives the thumbs up which can mean only one thingÖ..Sheffield Splash right onto the briefcase with a sickening snap. Al once again shakes on the ropes, working himself up into a rabid frenzy as mucus bubbles appear in both his nostrils. Al slaps on an ankle lock on the probably already broken ankle of Showtime, and after very little resistance Showtime taps out like a little bitch.

YOUR WINNER BY SUBMISSION: BIG AL WATSON!!!

Al wipes Showtimeís blood across his chest and leaves the ring to cheers. What a match, this kid certainly stepped up to the plate there! Al strides over to the announcers table where he receives his old helmet from Joey Holmes, which he holds above his head like the FA Cup as the crowd go ballistic. Letís go to a backstage interview with tag team champions, Tartan ArmyÖ.


In The Backdoor With Kitty Blackcock

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Former TWCW Owner, Former NLW wrestler and current SCW wrestler Firework makes his eCw return via a long white limo.

We go backstage where eCwís roving backstage transsexual reporter Kitty Blackcock, has cornered young superstar of Aggroís gone by, Firework!

He seems pissed off at the world right now, and 100% focused on dominating his opponents in the Going for Gold Match later on tonight!

Kitty Blackcock: Firework, may I begin by saying what great shape you are in! With your soul glow long jet black hair, your pink singlet and tanned muscular body, you look like the kind of guy I like to meet down the Blue Oyster bar after 11pm. How do you feel about the return of eCw?

Firework: EeeermÖ.It feels great to be back, obviously an eCw reunion would be nothing with out me so The Dirty Old Bastard had no other choice but to make the call and invite me to be a part of this show.

Kitty Blackcock: Ooooh I love it when you get angry! It makes the hair on my back stand on end. The way your voice goes so deep, it shows there is a wildebeast lying within your cool exterior waiting to be tamed. What are your current opinions on other rival feds trying to be like eCw, lets say SCW. Your thoughts?

Firework: Who really gives a fuck eh?

Kitty Blackcock: Nasty! Thereís no need to be rude. I think Mr Showtimeís gooorgeous and has a wonderful personality that really shines through. The poor dear had to be taken to Wexham Park Hospital his back was so badly lacerated after that last match.

Firework: Good luck to himÖ. Next!

Kitty Blackcock: I donít wanna ask you anymore questions youíre just being hurtful and rude to me now.

Firework: Yea Okay.


Backstage: Scotland The Brave

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As one of the most successful tag teams in eCwís history The Tartan Army are more than happy to be here tonight for the reunion of the greatest federation the world has seen. We join reigning eCw Tag Team Champions JaYo and Muzza in their locker room as the prepare to walk down that famous aisle one more time tonight.

ëScotlands Finestí JaYo: ìItís an emotional night for sure. eCw is without a doubt the greatest federation the world has seen. When Aggro first debuted on a Monday night heads turned. Thousands were desperate to see what was happening in the lives of Cynic, Burt Gummer, Sheriff Buford T. Justice, The Connection and of course The Tartan Army. We were a revolutionary force in sports entertainment. People tried to compete but lasted as long as Muzza does in bed! And thatís not long people!î

ëGranite City Heroí Muzza: ìOi you watch your mouth my laddy before I shove this haggis where the sun donít shine! But itís true what JaYo says ñ eCw had it all. And I for one remain proud to be part of it. I look back on my time in eCw and know that I made an impact. The Tartan Army have done it all. Me and JaYo ruled the Tag division. Cog Erto Sum no doubt deserved the World Title and well Haraga .. Umm we donít associate with him any more.î

ëScotlands Finestí JaYo: ìAh we regret to inform you ladies and gentlemen that Haraga Version One is no longer part of The Tartan Army. Itís a sad, sordid story so you might want to put the children to bed. It was eCwís last show and we were in the showers afterwards and poor Muzza slipped. It looked like he was hurt bad so Haraga went to help him. Unfortunately Haraga mounted Muzza and started riding him like a Blackpool donkey. It was sickening. Needless to say we took action and threw him out. Muzzaís never been the same sinceî

The camera spans round to see Muzza twitching like John Davidson.

ëGranite City Heroí Muzza: ìIím .. Iím .. Iím fine nnnow cheers. Letís talk about business now please. Letís see, what have we been up to since eCw closed? Well the Tartan Army stayed together and Mr. Showtime over at SCW signed us up to work there. As usual itís been a successful period for us. Me and JaYo are former tag team champions and JaYo has recently became the World Champion over there. We knew all along we had it in us to reach the top someday. But we owe it all to the man who gave us a chance in the first place and that is the Dirty Old Bastard himself ñ Joey Holmes. That evil genius took us in off the streets and moulded us into stars for the future. We are forever grateful to the D.O.B.î

ëScotlands Finestí JaYo: ìAfter hearing he is now condemned to a life in a wheelchair I was very sad. Some say that dirty old bastard got what he deserved but not me. But I urge him to look on the bright side of life. Great men live life on four wheels. Let me see .. Chris Reeve, Stephen Hawking and Zach Morris when he broke his leg that time in Saved By The Bell. So itís obviously not all doom and gloom. This reunion show is not only a tribute to eCw .. It should be a tribute to the man who made it possible.î

ëGranite City Heroí Muzza: ìBut onto tonight. Me and JaYo are back where we belong ñ in tag action in an eCw ring. Tonight the victims are Danny Demento and The Mouth, Butch and Lurk and The Exhibitionists. The aforementioned people used to sit and watch a tag team master class in awe whenever me and JaYo were in the ring. We have nothing to fear but we will treat the teams with the same respect we treated Don Taffeone and Don Caschera when we kicked there sorry Connection arses!î

ëScotlands Finestí JaYo: ìRespect Muzza? I donít treat two Welsh inbreeds, two naked Dutch freaks or Danny Demongo and The Mouth with any respect! What have they ever done to deserve respect? Iíll tell you all straight right now. Tonight will be routine for The Tartan Army. And thatís walk in ñ kick arse ñ win ñ drink some whisky. Bearing in mind we are still the Tag Team Champions tonight will be no different to any other time the Tartan Army step inside the squared circle. Weíll show them whose boss and who is the greatest tag team eCw has ever seen.î

ëGranite City Heroí Muzza: ìWhhhooooo! I canít wait for tonight! I canít wait to meet up with all the guys again. I do hope that meddling Godfrey isnít there though. Poor Cynic, I wonder if he ever did recover from that ordeal. Or Rick E. Tard! He was underrated!î

ëScotlands Finestí JaYo: ìTonight eCw will blow the others out of water. eCw will show them who the true kings of sports entertainment really are. Hey Muzza, I wonder if Judith Chalmers will be there! I always found her kinda sexy!î

ëGranite City Heroí Muzza: ìHey! Leave her alone thatís Cynicís filly. You keep your mind focused on one thing and that is going down in history as the greatest tag team ever!î

They tuck into some haggis, neaps and tatties as the camera cuts.


Video Footage: Cum On Feel The Boys

We cut to a pre-taped sequence introducing us to the newest tag team in eCw; two Dutch adult film stars Andre Studtrucker and Micky Vunkglenger, or as they are collectively known ñ The Exhibitionists.

We find the two of them in a backroom of a wank booth in the seedy heart of Amsterdamís red light district; towelling the sweat off of each otherís hairy chests after a marathon one hour roasting session.

Andre: Hello everybody! We are The Exhibitionists and this ish where we like to ëhang outí when we are not making schweet luv cum for the bloo movies.

Micky: Our pleashure ish your pleashure and when we are not doing beautiful cream schenes for horny boys and ladies, we like to wrassle other young schtuds in the ring.

Andre: For shure Micky. We two were both HUGE fansh of eCw and when we heard that that there was going to be one more show it made are cocks go hard like metal polesh.

Micky: We shaid we wanted to be part of that show for shure, so we shent Joaey Holmesh a nice DVD of our besht work ñ One In the Pink and One in the Schtink. By all accounts the fuck juice was flying when he shaw us in hot schticky action and he invited ush over to Angerland for a nice fourway action piece.

Andre: We hear that two of our partners for the show like to dress like the ladies, hey thatís cool my brothers. Two others guys like the sheep and thatís cool too. We have both experienced the lob of keeping a cock in the nice hot, schticky twat of an animal.

Micky: We are big fansh of The Mouthís movies and hish mushles, and we would like to deliver our meshy finisher ëThe Snot Shotí into The Mouth and hish young partner Danny Demingo.

Together: Sho look out ladies, this Sunday prepare to take the Dream Team from the Cream Scene into your hearts and mouths

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Fourway Tag TLC Match: The Tartan Army vs The Soul Crew (Lurk & Butch) vs. The Exhibitonists vs. Danny Demento & The Mouth

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We see the eCw tag team belts suspended above the ring. First out to the sounds of The Proclaimersí 500 Miles are eCw Tag Team Champions, and Scotlandís Finest - Muzza and JaYo, The Tartan Army. Next up to the sounds of Tom Jonesí Green Green Grass of Home are Welsh Giants Lurk and Butch - The Soul Crew! Next out to the pumping techno of Lil Louisí Cheese-eating surrender monkey Kiss are Dutch stunt cocks, Micky Vunkglenger and Andre Studtrucker - The Exhibitionists!

Kent Walton: Grapple fans we have a very special treat for you all now this evening. Live in the arena performing Danny and The Mouthís entrance theme we have legendary thrash metal band Slipknot!!!

*Kent puts some earplugs in*

Joey Holmes: Actually Kent we couldnít quite afford Slipknot on our measly budget but we have the next best thing - The Banana Splits!!!!

[url=\'http://www.razzbo.com/Exiled/ons_demento_split_web.wmv\'_blank\]CLICK HERE FOR DANNY'S ENTRANCE[/url]

---Match Highlights---

The Soul Crew go straight for the Scottish champions, knocking them from the ring with stiff clotheslines. They follow them to the outside and begin brawling wildly around the ring. These two mighty Welsh hosses are certainly looking a force to be reckoned with! Lurk whips Jayo into the guardrail, almost snapping his spine he follows up with a nasty big boot. Whatís this? Lurk produces a set of handcuffs and cuffs him to the rail. Likewise Butch has slammed Muzza back first into the ring post, and proceeded to cuff the other half of the tag team champions to the opposite guardrail. It appears the champions are out of this match.

Meanwhile in the ring Danny & The Mouth are showing that they have gelled as a team since their eCw debut, dominating The Exhibitionists. After laying out Vunklenger, The Mouth leaves the ring to fetch some chairs for him and his partner. BANG! Conchairto to Studtrucker, leaves him a bloody mess in the centre of the ring. The Mouth once again leaves the ring to fetch a ladder but is set upon by the Welshmen. Double D comes off the ropes and launches into a death defying plancha that takes all three men out on the outside. The Tartan Army can only watch, helpless to influence the outcome of the match.

Danny sets up a table on the outside and lays Lurk and Butch on top of each other on it. He climbs to the top of the turnbuckle looking for another dangerous highflying move, when he is pushed off and into the guardrail by Micky Vunklenger, who has recovered from the beating dished out to him earlier on. Studtrucker is up too, despite his face being caked in blood and mucus. He leaps onto the ropes and delivers a beautiful shooting star press onto the table where the Soul Crew are lying and all three men go through the splintered wood into a crumpled mess on the floor.

Micky V grabs a ladder and places it carefully underneath the belts and begins to climb, only for Demento to climb the other side. The two of them begin duking it out at the top of the ladder as it teeters on the verge of spilling over. The Mouth brings in another ladder and he goes up to the top as well, only for Studtrucker to meet him up the top as well. All four men battle away at the top of the ladders when the two Welsh giants Lurk and Butch get into the ring and push both ladders over sending everyone to the outside in a heap. The ring is clear for The Soul Crew to grab the belts, and both men leave the ring in search of a ladder.

But whatís this on the outside? Why itís Haraga Version One and he has a pair of bolt cutters!!

Kent Walton: I thought things were very much over between Haraga and the Tartan Army after that shower incident!

Joey Holmes: Clearly the young buck feels he has something to prove to his former allies, fair play to him!

Haraga lays out the two Welshmen with the bolt cutters and frees his former stablemates. He gives them both a manly slap on the back and points to the belts. Jayo and Muzza look at each other, look at the belts and then dart into the ring grabbing a ladder as they go. It looks like another title win is on the cards for The Tartan Army.

But Wait!! Whatís this, Haraga is motioning to the back and we hear the infamous sound of the Muslim call to prayer. ITíS THE FATWA BOYS, SICKO & DEATHMATCH!!! And theyíre armed with t-shirt guns. It looks like Haraga has sold his soul to the Taliban! The two Al-Queda terrorists take aim on the ramp and fire at the Tartan Army as they are inches away from taking the belts, sending them crashing to the mat below.

The Fatwa Boys scuttle into the ring and place Jayo and Muzza inside muslin sacks, quickly leaving with Haraga grinning manically in tow.

The Mouth recovers and makes his way up the ladder, as Andre Studtrucker chases after him. As The Mouth makes his way to the top, Studtrucker catches him and delivers a sick German suplex from the top of the ladder onto the mat. Andre climbs the ladder and reaches the top, he looks up at the belts and then looks down at The Mouth below. He looks up again and down. He then reaches down into his trunks and appears to stimulating himself.

Kent Walton: Dear God what on earth is this young man up to?

Joey Holmes: This is it Kent, prepare to bare witness to The Snot Shot!

As soon as Studtrucker has achieved an erection, he plunges from the top of the ladder driving his wood right into the eye of The Mouth, leaving both men writhing on the floor in agony.

The only man left who can still walk is Micky Vunklenger who climbs the ladder and begins to reach for the belts. However, he hasnít reckoned on the only boy who can still walk, Danny Demento who bolts up the ladder and delivers a spectacular enziguri to the Dutch blue movie star, knocking him clean off. Danny somehow hangs on to the ladder and using all his strength, pulls himself back to a vertical base. Danny reaches out with every ounce of strength he has left to unhook the belts for his team.

Ladies and gentlemen we have new tag team champions!!!

YOUR WINNERS: DANNY DEMENTO & THE MOUTH!!!

Danny climbs down from the ladder and checks on his partner whose eye has closed right up. They embrace in the ring as The Mouth raises his partner and apprenticeís hand in triumph!


Straight Shooting With Crazy Larry

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The theme to Black Beauty fills the Farnham Road Centre as Crazy Larry appears at the top of the ramp with his two loyal Bloodhounds, Geoffrey and Sebastian on a leash. Larry is smartly dressed in his red foxhunting jacket, and tucked under his other arm is a soapbox. Larry strolls down to the ring and hands his dogs to the ring announcer in exchange for a microphone. He climbs into the ring and places the soapbox in the middle of it, climbing onto it to address the hordes of rabid eCw fans.

ëGood evening filthy peasants of Slough. As the newly elected Conservative member of Parliament for Huntingdon I was somewhat surprised to be invited to appear before you today on this show. Although I was a member of this grotty little company for only a few short weeks, it was felt that my mere presence here would help put bums on seats, and who am I to argue? I was asked to appear in some royal battle or something silly but Iíve absolutely no desire whatsoever to risk my bourgeoning political career on battling a bunch of pathetic, oiled up, inbred men in tights. So I asked myself; what can Crazy Larry give back to all those backward fans that used to clap him like an ugly gaggle of down syndrome sea lions? And then it hit me like a lightning bolt from God; why not use the opportunity to give a series of hard hitting lectures on the ills of modern society straight to the nationís underclass? And so ëStraight Shooting with Crazy Larryí was conceived. And so without any further ado, I give to you this weekís hot topic which Iíve named ëPouring Salt on the Leechí.

*The crowd begin to get restless and a slow handclap begins to break out around arena*

ëSilence idiots, my speech should only take up twenty minutes of your meaningless and insignificant lives. Prick up your ears; you may learn something that will both educate and enlighten you.í

*Larry Sucks chant starts up, as Larry continues to shout over the racket*

ëThe Britain that New Labour has totally mismanaged for over a decade now is utterly crippled by the cancer of crime. Anyone brave enough to visit a run down inner city area will find their stay there punctuated by scenes of rape, murder, drug taking and gunplay. However the greatest crime of all lurks beneath this sinister underbelly in the hi-rise tenements and slums of urban Britain. Thatís right the most heinous crime that is destroying this sceptred isle that I hold so dear to my heart is none other than that of benefit fraud.

Those of you who had the bad fortune not to inherit a vast some of money and a country estate from their parents after they were killed in a bizarre ski-lift accident in Cloisters, will have to go out into the big wide world and seek employment to keep your families in McCainís Oven Chips and Tesco Milan Trainers. By slaving away for ridiculously long hours on minimum wage, not only are you helping to pay your own way in society, you are helping keep the wheels of the British economy oiled so that it can remain strong enough to crush the threat of burgeoning third world economies as they arise. However not everyone in society is a progressive thinker like Crazy Larry. They are an ever increasing percentage of people in this country who refuse to play by Larryís Law. Selfish leeches who wish to suck on the sweet flesh of the British economy whilst lying around in their own muck and stench; doing very little to help the rest of us decent folks hunt and skin the animal. When I was on the election campaign in the more impoverished areas of Huntingdon, I was often shocked and appalled at some of the things I would find on the doorsteps of the council estate I visited.

Take Miss Cherry Trapp for example.

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When the campaign trail arrived at the hovel this young madam called home, she kindly invited me inside for what she described as a ëtopless hand shandyí. Iíd been hard at it telling bare-faced lies to pensioners for two hours by then, and the offer of slaking my thirst with a cool glass of Double Bass proved too hard to resist. I placed a tissue over my mouth, and boldly ventured inside this musky den of iniquity. Despite my makeshift gasmask, the room smelt uncannily like an uncircumcised penis that hadnít been cleaned in six months. It felt as if my eyeballs were melting in their sockets. Her basic room was virtually unfurnished, save for a dozen discarded pizza boxes which babies of varying ethnic origins were using as makeshift beds. The floor was littered with dirty knickers, syringes and empty crushed up cans of Tenants Extra. I stood utterly mortified in the corner as Miss Trapp began to disrobe in front of me. Her skin was a mess of acne, lovebites and scar tissue. She asked me if I would like her to play with herself for a bit. I replied that I would much rather discuss the ways in which the Conservative Party would seek out and destroy many of New Labourís stealth taxes. Miss Trapp replied that not only was she below the legal age to vote, but her job as a prostitute meant she didnít have to worry about taxes, and what with the social security she was claiming on top of her illicit earnings, she would be able to feed herself and all of her hopelessly addicted offspring with crack for months on end without ever having to leave the house. I made my apologies and left, but not before Miss Trapp treated Larry to the finest oral pleasuring he had received since Mufty Day at boarding school.

Anyway I left that ghastly place as quickly as I could and reported her to the nearest police officer. The story has a happy ending as all of Miss Trappís offspring were taken into care and she is now doing hard time at Her Majestyís Institute for Naughty Girls.

For those who have missed the point of this sordid tale, let me reiterate one more time:

The Conservative Party WILL NOT STAND FORÖ..í

Larry is cut off mid-sentence as the lights in the arena go out and the opening bars of Dolly Partonís ëWorking 9 to 5í begin to start up. Who is this at the top of the ramp?

Sir Kent: Who on earth is that? I donít seem to remember him from the eCw days boss.

Joey Holmes: Well when I said Iíd been scouring the globe for new talent for this show Kent, I wasnít pulling yer pipe. That my friend is Squat Rotten from Armchair Anarchy Wrestling; one of the meanest bastards in the business and ten times AAW Heavyweight Champion. Iíve seen this guy go and he personifies brutality and whatís more, he has an unbeaten streak that goes back six years. Letís kick back and watch my man teach that posh twat in the ring a lesson. If he doesnít kill Larry, one of these days Kent I certainly will.

Rotten reaches the ring and snatches the microphone for a befuddled Larry.

Squat Rotten: So this is it huh? This is what you call wrestling these days ñ some FASCIST in a suit preaching his poisoned manifesto to a bunch of marks? This is a joke, eCw is a joke and never drew a dime, Larry you are a joke. This business is a VERY serious business, and I am a VERY serious man who is about to teach you a VERY serious lesson in wrestling Larry.

*Rotten tears of his shirt to reveal 285lbs of roided up nastiness*

Squat Rotten: Get a goddamned referee out here this instant; itís time for Larry here to play the game. Itís time for CLASS WAR!!!!!!!


Class War Match: Crazy Larry vs Squat Rotten

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eCw referee Norris McWhirter runs down to the ring as the bell sounds to get this bout underway.

Kent Walton: Any idea what a Class War match entails Joey?

Joey Holmes: I ainít got a scooby Kent my man, but Iíve got a feeling it will be quick and very brutal.

---Match Highlights---

Larry stumbles from his soapbox into the corner of the ring as Rotten grabs the box, hoisting it above his head and bringing it crashing down over Larryís balding pate. Rotten begins to tear Larryís red velvet jacket from his torso and begins throttling him violently with it. Eventually Rotten throws the jacket from the ring and begins pummelling Larry with fists and forearms to the face whilst stood over him. Rotten tears the protective padding from one of the turnbuckles and guides Larry by the hair over to the corner and begins ramming his smug, self-satisfied face into the exposed steel repeatedly.

Larryís busted open like a plum tomato, thereís claret everywhere! Larry kneels in the middle of the ring and pleads for mercy, only to be met with an almighty stiff kick to his chest. Squat follows up with an exciting combo of kicks to the head and chest that leave poor Larry barely conscious. Squat rolls out of the ring and throws the ring announcer from his chair. He folds it up and slides back into the ring. Wham! He begins remorselessly battering the lifeless and broken body of Larry with the chair. When his bloodlust has been satisfied, Squat lays the folded chair in the middle of the ring and calls for his finisher ñ The Prozac Plunge! Pulling an unconscious Larry up by his bloodied, matted hair and putting his head between his freakish quads, Squat delivers a thoroughly sick Prozac Plunge headfirst onto the unforgiving steel chair!! This one is over!

Squat poses like a warrior above the corpse of Larry when the music to ëAmericaís Wildest Police Chasesí fills the arena. Who is this at the top of the ramp? Why itís Sheriff John Bunnell flanked by twenty of Orange Countyís finest law enforcement officers. But what does he want? Bunnell takes a mic and addresses the competitors in the ring.

Joey Holmes: Its none other than Sheriff John Bunnell hard nosed law enforcer, and thereís somebody with him..

Kent Walton: Joey I do believe that is high powered Jewish Lawyer Rabbi Kanevsky..

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Due to the graphic nature of this programme, viewer's discretion is advised...

Sheriff John Bunnell: "Squat Rotten, you tried to run from the police... but you couldn't escape the law...

"Me and my associates are here to let you know your party is over!..No more will you peddle your illegal DVD's. No more will you claim benefits from our government. For you its out of the frying pan and into the jail cell, you are the disease and I am the cure - Sheriff John Bunnell"

Rabbi Kanevsky: "Chozzer! Mr Rotten, ah-BROOKH!, you have excaped taxes for the last two years my friend, treating the government like schmucks. Well now its time for you to pay your dues, your DVD racket is going to cost youa lot more than hard time my DRAY-kop. You owe the small sum of 200,000 , you sir are a FARGESS. Enjoy your cell, shalom.

Sheriff John Bunnell: "'ehr zohl VAHK-sen vee ah TSIB-el-eh, mitt dem KOHP in DRAYRD' indeed Rabbi... So Squat, you fought the law and the law won. Maybe now you will realise A temporary moment of insanity can result in permanent consequence. Life's one high speed chase and you're riding shotgun! For your illegal earnings you will pay for with you life... in jail!

Let me Introduce you to the backseat of a Police Car- Its a crime fighting tool.

Sheriff John Bunnell leads Squat Rotten to a group of Orange County's finest deputies, as they put him into the awaiting cruiser. Norris McWhirter has little choice but to count him out.

YOUR WINNER VIA COUNTOUT: CRAZY LARRY

Larry is roused by his Bloodhounds Sebastian and Geoffrey lapping the blood from his face. A crew of St Johnís Ambulance workers rush out to the ring to attend to the broken Tory politician as the crowd hurl rubbish into the ring in disgust.

Quote:

 

Backstage Interview: Mr Seven Needs A Serious Attitude Adjustment

Yeah it's me, Mr Seven, get that shocked look off your faces. Didn't expect me here did you? Neither did MR. Joey Holmes. I told you all I'd fuck up this show, and if me being here in person is the way to do it, then let's go.

Nobody ever gave me a shot. You know why? They knew, they fucking knew what I could do, and they protected themselves. Politics. Loyalty. Bullshit. I could have been The Man in eCw, but instead I was screwed more times than Paris Hilton. I was given my own group, and they all fared better than me. Week after week I was humiliated, lied to and disrespected. That PRICK Joey Holmes was too busy getting sucked off by Loki and Cynic to have time for guys like me. They played him like a fiddle to get their time in the sun. It seemed everyone else shined but me. Chad Sexington, Don Taffeone, Burt Gummer, even Danny fuckin' Demento was made to look a hall of famer compared to me.

Well eCw is back for one night of glory? I don't think so. eCw is dead, and I am going to piss on it's rotting corpse. If that means entering myself into this Going for Gold match, so be it. If it means getting up close and personal to the DOB himself, so be it. If it means blood, sweat and tears and the cries of agony from EVERY GODDAMN ROSTER MEMBER IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT BUILDING, THEN SO FUCKING BE IT!!!!!!

My time is now. So let's see who's laughing by the end of tonight. For I am Mr. Seven, and this is my gift to you Joey Holmes.


Backstage: Coughing Up Blood With Jimmy Chillson

"Ok people, time to get red eyed with the oooooriginal Jimmy Chillson, master of the herbal relaxant and part time wrestling wonderkid. I just have a couple of *cough* quick messages for my opponents in this here up coming 'One *cough, cough* Night Stand', which, i'm fairly sure, was just staged to showcase my bountiful talen**cough, hack,cough*. Damn! Must be have been smoking some damp weed earlier. Sorry about that.

Anyway, Nevermore, Hulk Wogan or whatever your potato hoarding name is, don't think you've got any chance of taking me down in this thing. A *cough*
lungful of finest sensi isn't going to stop me *argh, cough, wheeze, cough*.. shit, my fuckin' chest.. *wheeze*. I'll be *cough* back in a minute, my chest hurts.. *wheeze*"


Pig Pen Match for Vacant eCw Womenës Title: Miss Corrine vs Miss Dinasaw

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Candy Man begins playing in the eCw arena and special guest referee for the next match Sammy Davis Jr makes his way out to the makeshift pig pen filled with cold wet mud at the side of the stage. Sammy takes the mic.

Sammy Davis Jr: Hey kids thanks for the wonderful reception. You know I was in a bar in Reno with Dino and Frank on this day forty years ago. Dean, what a character, always on the liquor, so he walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!î After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!î. That was Frankís Idea.

I got it baby...it never left me. So we all head back to the hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

But Frank Sinatra, he was a manís man. When we settled at the hotel over a few bourbons, we played craps ëtill dawn and had loads of women...by women I mean hookers...and just look at me I'm not a sexy guy. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Anyway folks Iím rambling, lets introduce the fine young broads who are gonna work up a hog sweat in this pen for the vacant eCw womenís title. Folks lets give it up for the delectable Miss Corrine and Miss Dinasaw!

Sammy serenades the two competitors with The Lady is a Tramp as they make their way out to the pig pen.

Sammy Davis Jr: Ladies, may I say you are both looking divine. I wanna low down dirty fight. The winner will not only be crowned eCwís womens champion, but they will receive a very special prize that will be revealed at the end of the bout.

---Match Highlights---

The two ladies face off and Miss Dinasaw starts things off with a loud slap to Miss Corrineís face. ìYou Bitch!î ìYou Slag!î retorts Corrine with a slap of her own. This continues back and forth for a few minutes before Corrine grabs her opponent by the hair and yanks her down into the mud around them.

The pair roll around in the filth, yanking each otherís hair, scratching and biting each others faces. Sammy Davis Jr tries to get in between them to pull them apart but ends up rolling around with them, much to his apparent enjoyment.

Miss Dinasaw leads Miss Corrine into the corner of the pen smashing her head into the makeshift turnbuckle. She leads her to the next corner and does the same, then the next corner. On the fourth corner Miss Corrine gets her hands on the sty, stopping her head from being smashed for a fourth time. She hits Dinasaw with a back head butt, and leaps onto the corner of the sty. She comes off with a Lou Thesz press, and as both go crashing into the muck and shit, she begins slapping away at the face of Miss Dinasaw, who responds by pulling great clumps of hair out of Miss Corrineís head.

The two ladies make it to their feet, only for Dinasaw to spear her opponent to the floor. She grabs poor Miss Corrineís hair and begins smashing it into the floor of the pen. She makes a pin and gets a two. She backs up and goes for a splash which Miss Corrine rolls out of the way of, causing Dina to splash face first into the mud. Stomps to the back of Dinaís head gives Corrine control of the match back. Corrine pulls her to her feet by her hair and delivers a back suplex that sprays the front row of the crowd in mud. Nice move for a lady!

Dinasaw gets to her feet and she is greeted with a vicious chick kick to the side of the head from Miss Corrine. She makes the cover, grabbing a handful of g-string!

Sammy counts it out Ö1Ö..2Ö.3!

We have a winner!

WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW eCw WOMENíS CHAMP: MISS CORRINE

Corrine celebrates in the pigsty as Sammy Davis Jr takes the microphone.

Sammy Davis Jr: Congratulations doll, that gave old Sammy palpitations Iím telling ya! We promised you a special prize for victory tonight, and you will be delighted to hear that youíve won a night out in Slough with Joey Holmes after the show! Letís look at the Joeytron:

Miss Corrine, tonight is your lucky night as you will trip the light fantastic with our very own Extreme Chairman of the Board. You will literally be swept off your feet as the D.O.B takes you to the finest restaurants this London overspill has to offer.

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You will enjoy the sights, the sounds and the smells of Europeís largest trading estate

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After which Joey Holmes will serenade you with his favourite Frankie Goes to Hollywood songs underneath the town centreís metallic tree.

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And when that is all done, he will take you by the hand and on his stair lift lead you up to where all the action takes place in Holmes Place.

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Once you get him outta that nappy Iím sure you two young lovebirds will have a whale of a time!

The look of joy of Miss Corrineís face is replaced by one of revulsion as she is led out to the back by Sammy, as the D.O.B. licks his deformed lips from behind the announcerís table.
eCw Hall of Fame Ceremony

The spotlight in the eCw Arena falls on the ring. It has been transformed into an impromptu stage. Standing in the middle of the stage is the Joey Holmesí guest of honour this evening Ron Atkinson.

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Ron: ìIt gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the presenters for this evenings Hall of Fame Ceremony. Firstly allow me to introduce to you eCwís ëColourí commentator. You might know him as Laurence Tureaud, B.A. Baracus or Mr T but to me he will always be that cotton picker off the A-Team. Ladies and gentleman let me hear you make same noise for him, preferably monkey chants.î

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Mr T makes his way down to the ring in a splendid three piece suit.

Ron: ìAnd now to introduce the second presenter. No Awards ceremony is complete without the beautiful lady to stand on the arm of the male and look vacant and I am sure that this lady will be no exception. Without further ado I give you Miss Kitty Blackcockî

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A look of shock falls on Ronís face as Kitty makes her way to the ring. She enters the ring and looks Ron straight in the eye. She begins talking.

Kitty: ìRon I really enjoyed your introduction. Do you really find me beautiful?î

Ron: ìDo I fuck love, now FUCK OFF YOU TRANNY!!!î

Ron headbutts Kitty straight in the face knocking her out.

Ron: ìDonít worry Mr T my ebony brother I will help you with the ceremony.î

Mr T takes the microphone.

Mr T: ìWelcome to the eCw Hall of Fame Ceremony suckas. We are going to get down to the induction in just a mo but first of all letís take a quick look back at the Joey Awards which were given out last night. Ahhh pity the fools.î

eCw Diva of the Year presented by Jill Halfpenny
Miss Corrine

eCw Faction of the Year presented by James Hewitt
The Connection

eCw Wrestler of the Year presented by Johnny Saint
Loki

eCw Jobber of the Year presented by last years winner Nevermore
Mr Seven

eCw Rookie of the Year presented by Michael Jackson
Danny Demento

eCw Match of the Year presented by Michael Aspel
Cynic v Marky Mark

eCw Owner of the Year presented by Alan Sugar
Joey Holmes

Mr T: ìRight now back to business Ron. Can you read this for me Ronî

Ron: ìOf course I can my friend. Ok, it seems that I have to improvise a joke at this point. I really donít think that is a good idea.î

Mr T: ìCome on make me laugh. Just like Hulk used to brother. 24 inch pythons, heeheeheeî

Ron: ìOk but most of my jokes are in the same genre. How do you stop a black kid jumping on his bed?.....Put Velcro on the ceilingî

Mr T: ìFuck you Ron you piece of shitî

Mr T lays out Ron to the approval of the crowd.

Mr T: ìIím gonna have to do this shit aloneî

ìOk it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the first inductee into the eCw Hall of Fame. If you could turn your peanut heads to the JoeyTron please.î

A video starts playing on the screen showing highlight of the inductees matches.

ìHe was a thorn in the side of the Connectionî

ìHe battled bravely against the Irish Dragon on many an occasionî

ìHe was the apple of Miss Corrineís eyesî

ìHe was the last eCw Intercontinental Championî

ìAnd now personal issues have cut short his career.î

ìLadies and Gentleman eCw presents Burt Gummerî

Collision by Faith No More plays and smoke fills the stage. After a few seconds two hooded figures emerge out of the smoke. They appear to be pushing a coffin. The coffin slowly makes its way down the ramp to the side of the ring. The two hooded figures begin chanting.

ìHere Li-es the car-eer of Burt Gum-merî
ìAAAA-men

ìCru-el-y tak-en from us by a bo-tch-ed drop-kickî
ìAAAA-menî

ìNow prop-ping up a bar near youî
ìAAAA-menî

ìAr-ise Burt, The King of the Al-chi-esî
ìAAAA-menî

Suddenly smoke envelopes the coffin and after a flash a figure emerges grasping the eCw Intercontinental Championship belt. The figure is dressed in Burt Gummerís familiar wrestling attire but something does not look right. The figure appears to have a much larger build. As the smoke clears it becomes obvious who it is. The unmistakable Bionic Taffy appears from the smoke.

Bionic Taffy: ìHello eCwî

The two hooded figures remove their hoods to reveal themselves. It is none other than Lurk and Butch, Taffyís Welsh henchmen.

Bionic Taffy makes his way into the ring where he shakes Mr Tís hand and makes his way over to the stand and begins addressing the crowd.

Bionic Taffy: ìIt is a great honour to be inducted into the eCw Hall of Fameî *hiccup*

Bionic Taffy has a swig from a can of lager he had tucked down his tights.

Bionic Taffy: ìIf I am honest I canít remember half of it I was that fuckedî *hiccup*

ìI would like to thank Aamon Holmes for the oppurÖ.î

Lurk whispers in Bionic Taffyís ear

Bionic Taffy: ìSorry, I would like to thank Joey Holmes for the opportunity he gave meî

ìI will never forget the night that I soiled myself in my match with Irish Dragon, I had downed so much that night I forgot to put my boots on. Poor EJ Styles, I shouldnít have sat on him.î

ìAfter the famous botched dropkick things started going a bit downhill. I was thrown out of eCw and thrown on the street. I never stooped to the level of Marco and EJ Styles though. I did however begin hanging out on the streets with scary vampires and manic depressive dole monkeys.î

Bionic Taffy wipes away a false tear from his eye

Bionic Taffy: ìI had hit rock bottom. Or so I thoughtî

ìIt was at about this time that I was wandering past the local Radio Rentals before returning to my spot at the bus shelter and I looked in the window. There on the screen was that rugged, handsome son of the Valley Bionic Taffy. He was on that piss poor TWC giving a Shoot Interview to Cody St Mark.î

ìHe was going on about how great he was in the ring but everyone knows that. That was not the problem. When St Mark pushed him on any relationships he had had with fellow employees of eCw he revealed something that shocked me.î

ìWhilst I had been out rehabbing my knee with alcohol he had been boning my beloved Miss Corrine. She apparently said he had the biggest wanger she had ever seen.î

ìI canít blame her though. I mean I would.î

All of a sudden Scotland the Brave explodes around the eCw Arena. Cogito Ergo Sum, appears at the top of the ramp. He makes his way down to the ring where he faces up to Taffy, Lurk and Butch. Cog grabs a microphone.

Cog: ìGood evening Taffy, Lurk, Butch.î

Bionic Taffy: ìI take it you are here to join in the mocking my Celtic brother.î

Cog: ìFar from it, if you would excuse this break from my regular vernacular, you ginger Welsh cunt.î

Bionic Taffy fills with rage which only serves to highlight the auburn tint of his hair.

Cog: ìI am in fact here to teach you about respect Taffy. Do you know what respect is Taffy?î

Bionic Taffy: ìRespect is what I have for my bitches and Lurk and Butchî

Cog: ìThey are one and the same thing are they not Taffy, that is not what respect is.î

ìI define respect as a feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard.î

ìEveryday of your career you have shown you have no respect for yourself or the business. As you broke into eCw you did so hiding behind the infamous Connection. You always needed three others to back you up. You had the leader Cynic, the wrestling god Irish Dragon and the enforcer Don Caschera. You were just the sneaky lackey that hid behind them. Nowadays despite your ëBionicí status you find it necessary to hide behind these two wankstains. Why not be a man and stand by your self?î

ìBurt Gummer always stood by himself and had respect. He fought a single handed war to bring down the Connection. He didnít hide behind anyone. If you asked for Gummer you knew you would get him. He stood up for what he believed in. Burt Gummer had respect. Burt Gummer deserves respect.î

The crowd explodes into chants of ìBurt, Burtî.

ìYet you are standing here and showing no respect to him at all. This should have been Burtís big night and yet you are standing here ridiculing him. Burt has been through a lot in these past months and I am sure he will come back even stronger.î

ìI respect Burt, I respect that he was the greatest Intercontinental Champion eCw had, I respect that he faced adversity face on and tonight I am going to stand up for Burtís legacy.î

ìHow about it big guy? Me and you, one on one in this very ring tonight!î

Bionic Taffy: ìIt will be my pleasure Cogito, I never liked you haggis shaggers anyway.î

Cog: ìI would say the pleasure will be all mine but I would be lying, this guy will get some of the pleasure too.î

Collision by faith no more plays once again throughout the arena and the real Burt Gummer emerges on crutches and makes his way slowly to the ring. He walks up to Taffy and retrieves the belt.

Burt Gummer: ìThank You, I believe that is mineî

Bionic Taffy: ìActually it isnít you crippled hobo. Since you have not defended it in months and it doesnít look like you can defend it tonight the Dirty Old Bastard has stripped you of it. The eCw Intercontinental Title is vacant.î

Burt Gummer: ìYou are right I canít fight for it tonight, but this man can (points to CES). Nothing would give my greater pleasure than seeing you pinned 1,2,3 in the middle of this ring tonight.î

Cog: ìIt works for me Burtî

Burt Gummer: ìThen I am sure that as an eCw Hall of Famer it falls within my powers to make the following match. Cogito Ergo Sum versus Bionic Taffy for the vacant eCw Intercontinental Championshipî

Taffy and CES stand head to head in the middle of the ring. CES murmurs under his breath.

Cog: ìDulce et decorum est pro patria mori. Dum spiro, spero.î

Taffy draws back his hand and strikes CES. Lurk and Butch set upon him, as Taffy turns to the injured Burt Gummer.

Gummer tries swinging in vain with his crutches but Taffy just swats them aside. He grabs Gummer by the hair and begins pounding on him. One after another the blows rain down on the defenseless Gummer. Taffy realizes Gummer is no match for him and goes for the Taffinator. Gummer is left lying motionless in the ring.

Taffy, Lurk and Butch make their way out of the ring and to the back leaving a scene of carnage behind.

Mr T is left standing alone in the ring

Mr T: ìYo, yo. What do I do with this solid gold Joey Award?..........Fuck it, Iíll melt it down and make a chain. Yíget me.î


Backstage: In The Showers With The Mouth

The Mouth is in the showers post match, sporting an impressive black eye and his newly won eCw tag team belt covering his modesty as he soaps himself up. In walks Danny Demento.

The Mouth: Danny my main man! Climb inside baby, the water is hot and feels good against The Mouthís skin. I just wanted to say congratulations man, you came of age out there tonight and The Mouth couldnít have won these belts with out you good buddy. I just got off the phone to Russell Crowe and weíre meeting him at Brownís nightclub later on tonight for a celebration drinky-poos. Maybe after that weíll go beat up some minimum wage workers.

Danny Demento: Sure thing. What in the hell is that?

*Demento points at one of The Mouthís nipples which appears to be secreting a thick white liquid*

The Mouth: Oh that, thatís nothing for you to worry about. Itís to do with these tablets The Mouth is taking, slow metabolism that kinda thing. Yeah, you passed your final lesson tonight baby. Whoíd have thought it eh? Danny Demento and The Mouth eCw tag team champions baby! This is what weíve worked so hard for Danny all these months. Itís finally paid off and I feel weíre closer than ever now. Danny there is something I must tell youÖ..


...We interrupt that footage to bring you straight to the backstage area where Mr. Seven, Firework, The Genius and Jimmy Chillson are drawing lots to see what order they will be fighting in their Going for Gold match. Two men will start out in the ring, and once one has been pinned or submits the next competitor will enter the ring and so on, until one man is left standing. In a stunningly original move by Joey Holmes, it has been decided that the winner of this match will get a shot at the eCw Undisputed Heavyweight Title, whenever the whim takes them. Money in the bank, as it were.

*All four men pick straws, and Mr Seven and Jimmy get the short straws meaning they will start out first, followed by Firework and then The Genius.*

Jimmy Chillson: Fuck it maaan!

Mr Seven: I fucking knew it; you bunch of lying, cheating scumbag cunts. You are all fucking against me!! I HATE YOU ALL!!

*He shoves Jimmy through a buffet table and storms out in a huff. Jimmy is left lying there clutching his chest in apparent agony*

Firework: Sweet! This is going to be a stroll in the park for the best there was and the best there ever will be.

The Genius simply points at his temple and smiles to himselfÖ



Quote:

 

Going for Gold Match: Mr Seven vs Jimmy Chillson vs Firework vs The Genius

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Out first, to Akonís Mr. Lonely is a disgruntled, yet purposeful looking Mr Seven. Next up is Jimmy Chillson to the sounds of Blows to the Nose by Nasenbluten. Jimmyís face is contorted with pain as he clutches his chest and makes his way gingerly to the ring.

Your referee for this match is Jeremy Beadle.

---Match Highlights---

Jimmy and Seven circle each other, and Jimmy is looking a bit uneasy. They move in towards each other and Seven starts things off with a backhanded chop. Jimmy falls to his knees clutching his chest, falling flat on his face and then rolling over. Seven looks confused, shrugs his shoulders and makes the pin.

Beadle counts it out with his spazzy hand. 1.Ö.2.Ö.3 !!! This one is over, already!

WINNER BY PINFALL: MR SEVEN

Beadle makes the x sign with his arms as paramedics rush out to attend to Jimmy Chillson who is clutching chest in absolute agony. Seven milks the crowd as he waits for his next opponent who is Ö.Firework!!

Joey Holmes: Christ knows what happened there. Seven got lucky, every dog has itís day. This young kid is a wrestling machine though, Seven ainít going to fluke this one.

---Match Highlights---

Both men circle each other tentativelyÖ Firework backs Mr. Seven into the corner and gives him some chopsÖ Mr. Seven powers out of the corner and pushes Firework into it and slaps him in the faceÖ They fight over a hammerlock, reversing it a few timesÖ Mr. Seven comes out on topÖ Mr. Seven releases the hold and Firework baits him into a test of strength and kicks Mr. Seven in the exposed kneeÖ Mr. Seven comes out of it with another hammerlockÖ Both men wind up in the ropes but neither man wants to breakÖ Finally Beadle gets sick of it and threatens to disqualify both of them.

Mr. Seven is whipped by Firework, back first into the turnbuckle and Firework takes overÖ Firework grabs a side headlock and puts his feet on the ropes for leverageÖ. Beadle is too busy checking on Mr. Seven to noticeÖ Firework then modifies the move into a stepover armbar and again illegally uses the ropes for leverageÖ Mr. Seven makes it to his feet and tries to armdrag Firework overÖ However Firework holds on and switches to a wristlockÖ Mr. Seven is about to punch his way out of it but Firework delivers a swift punch to his kidneysÖ Firework goes for the cover on SevenÖ1Ö2Ökickout! Firework again returns to his favoured stepover armbarÖ Firework then gets sick of that and simply slams Mr. Seven's arm over the turnbuckle.

Mr. Seven makes a comeback and they exchange blows in the middle of the ringÖ Mr. Seven mounts Firework in the corner for the ten punchesÖ Firework counters to an atomic dropÖ Firework misses an elbow drop and Mr. Seven backdrops himÖ Mr. Seven locks in the figure fourÖ Firework lets his shoulders drop a few times and nearly gets counted downÖ Firework reaches for the ropes but he is too far awayÖ Firework attempts to turn the figure four overÖ Mr. Seven is using all his might to stay in controlÖ Suddenly Firework shifts his body weight in the other direction and reaches the ropeÖ Mr. Seven has to break the hold.

Mr. Seven suplexes Firework and goes back to the figure-fourÖ This time Firework rakes the eyes to get out of itÖ Mr. Seven takes a breather on the outsideÖ Firework jumps Mr. Seven on his way back in and tosses him over the top ropeÖ Firework to the outside where he rams Mr. Seven's head into the steel railingÖ Firework seems to be in control until he misses an elbow drop on the outsideÖ Both men return to the ringÖ Mr. Seven drives his knee into Firework 's and works the leg further with a stepover toeholdÖ Mr. Seven rips at Firework's hamstringÖ In desperation Firework tosses Mr. Seven over the topÖMr. Seven lands on the apron and sunset flips back inÖ. CoverÖ1Ö2Ökickout! Firework fights all the way to the other side of the ring punching Mr. Seven in the faceÖ Firework delivers a backdrop suplex and both men are out of itÖ Firework recoversÖ CoverÖ1Ö2Ökickout! Firework misses a wild swing and itís a reverse rollup from Mr. SevenÖ Cover 1Ö2Ökickout!

Mr. Seven charges in too quickly and Firework scoops his legsÖ CoverÖ1Ö2Ökickout! Mr. Seven tries to put Firework down with a sleeper but Firework counters to a kneebreakerÖ Firework clips the knee and delivers another kneebreakerÖ Firework is targeting Mr. Sevenís knee hitting it with every thing he's gotÖ Stomps, clips, hamstring pulls, splashesÖ Firework slaps on the Boston crab and Mr. Seven writhes in painÖ Mr. Seven scrambles towards the ropes but Firework pulls him back to the middle of the ring and reapplies the holdÖ Mr. Seven manages to grab the ankles of Firework and send him face first to the matÖ Firework recovers first and stomps on the injured knee of Mr. SevenÖ Mr. Seven tries to crawl away from him but he has been immobilized.

Firework goes after the knee againÖ Mr. Seven rolls to the outside for a breatherÖ Firework grabs a chair and goes out after him but Jeremy Beadle grabs the chair before it can be usedÖ Back inside and Firework delivers another kneebreakerÖ Mr. Seven squirms desperately for some rest but Firework pulls him back to the middle and tries another kneebreaker but Mr. Seven counters to a headbuttÖ Both men are sprawled on the matÖ Firework gets back to his feet first and moves over to cover Mr. SevenÖ CoverÖ1Ö2Ö kickout! Firework chops Mr. Seven in the corner but Mr. Seven fights back with straight right hands that send Firework to the matÖ Mr. Seven whips Firework into the turnbuckle, who staggers back into the centre of the ring where he is met by a punch to the gut from Mr. SevenÖ Mr. Seven delivers a powerslam and a vertical suplex. Firework breaks it up by going low when Beadle wasn't looking... Mr. Seven goes chest-first into the turnbuckleÖ Firework covers and puts his feet on the ropesÖ 1Ö2Ökickout!

They exchange blows in the middle of the ring and Firework ends up with a sleeper holdÖ Mr. Seven makes the ropes but again Firework pulls him back to the middle of the ringÖ Mr. Seven is fading and the crowd senses it could soon be over... Mr. Seven powers up to his feet, though, and runs Firework's face into the nearest turnbuckleÖ Firework hits Mr. Seven with a mule kick down belowÖ Firework hits a delayed vertical suplexÖ CoverÖ1Ö2Ökickout! An elbow drop from Firework and he goes up topÖ Mr. Seven recovers in time and slams him to the canvasÖ Mr. Seven backdrops Firework and delivers a bulldogÖ Mr. Seven drives an elbow into Firework's faceÖ Mr. Seven goes for a flying crossbody but they knock heads for a double KOÖ Both men return to their feet at the count of sevenÖ Mr. Seven puts Firework on the top rope for a superplex but Firework rakes the eyes and the delivers a stiff right hand that sends Mr. Seven crashing to the matÖ Firework goes for the frog splash but Mr. Seven manges to get his knees upÖ Side suplex from Mr. SevenÖ Into a Death Valley DriverÖ Mr. Seven sets up Firework and delivers his deadly finisher the Broken DesignÖ CoverÖ1Ö2Ö3!

WINNER BY PINFALL: MR SEVEN

What a match! But how much has it taken out of Mr. Seven, who can hardly walk on that knee of his now. A brilliant effort from Firework there too. Heís shown to the eCw crowd just what this young stud can do.

Joey Holmes: Marvellous match there Kent. Sevenís done for now though, thereís no way on earth he can hit the Broken Design on the 500lb Genius with his knee. Iím going to enjoy this.

Why Canít We Be Friends by War strikes up and out comes The Genius to a massive pop. Whoever wins this one gets the shot - whenever they want!

---Match Highlights---

On his way into the ring, The Genius picks up a steel chair. Beadle intercepts him only to be levelled by the Genius who appears to have gone a bit postal. He savagely beats down Mr Seven, striking his head, back and busted up knee. When he has finished he begins smashing the chair over his own head drawing blood.

Beadle eventually comes round and disqualifies him on several counts. The arena security rush out to the ring to subdue The Genius, as Beadle checks on the victorious Seven.

WINNER BY DQ: MR SEVEN

Joey Holmes is shown behind the announcerís table with his head in his hands as we cut to video footage of one of the most notorious episodes of single mumís favourite - Trisha.


Chad & LL Studley: That Episode of Trisha

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Welcome back to Trisha, where weíve been hearing how Donna's youngest child, 3 year old Ebony is keeping mummy awake while Donna is trying to revise for her GCSE's. We'll come back to them later for the results of a Lie Detector test to determine if Donna knows that she is on National Television.

Now, everyone, on to a sad tale involving a reunited father and son who sadly now only want to bury the hatchet into each others black souls. Letís see if we can make them feel a little bit better! First off, let's meet the Father, a real bad bwoy ñ give it up for Chad Sexington!

*You Sexy Thing plays over the Set's PA system which, although shit, is still better than Jamie's.*

Out strolls a man in a Grey Safari Suit, Cuban Heels, a Handlebar Moustache and a knowing look in his eye. Bad Chad takes a seat on the stage.

"Hello Chad and welcome to Trisha, for those of us who were either not around, too stupid, or both, to miss ExileD Championship Wrestling, with regard to you and your bwoy LL Studley, would you care to fill me in?"

Chad raises a knowing eyebrow, "Well Trisha, it was the 'filling in' that started the whole sordid mess in the first place. You see, back in the Sixties and Seventies, Bad Chad was quite the Cad, I had my wicked way in a number of ways with many a feisty female. It turns out that the result of one of these memorable nights for a certain lady resulted in the birth some 9 months later of little LL Studley, he's still, ahem, 'Little' LL to this day from what I hear"

"I wasn't aware that LL was mine until he joined the Dirty Old Bastard Joey Holmes' eCw. It was clear that LL didn't know that I was his Father. From then on it was the all too familiar story of man joins a Wrestling Federation, man hooks up with a floozy called Jordan, floozy called Jordan turned out to be another child of Bad Chad, floozy gets pregnant by son of Bad Chad, Bad Chad and son have an I quit match, Bad Chad breaks it to his son that he is his Father, Father and Son embrace when Son makes the save when Father is getting a beatdown the next week, that sort of thing."

Trisha pouts her lips and thinks about what Chad has said, "So what happened to LL and Jordan after they found this out? And what happened to the most important person in all this, the baby?"

Chad replies "Well obviously there was no way they could have the baby so Joey Holmes paid for Jordan to see a leading Slough back street abortionist who put an end to the ghastly mess with a sponge , a rusty pair of pliers and a Dyson."

The audience applaud and Trisha nods her head, "At least you did the right thing I'm sure we can all agree ya dirty bwoy. So what happened then between you and your son?"

"Well Trisha, we started to get to know each other better, we went to Amsterdam for the weekend, I think it was a weekend, we went out every weekend to a swinging hotspot and like all other families we saw who could nail the most fanny, that's his expression not mine."

"After a few months though it all went sour, LL was jealous that his Old Man was still a hit with the ladies, one night while I was cavorting with a group of Girls, the young pup decided to spike my drink. In the ensuing melee, I was arrested. Whilst I was behind bars and still under the influence of LSD, LL had me committed to an Asylum, seeing as how he was my next of kin, this was quite easy for him to do."

"I rotted away in that Hellhole for a long time until one day until I met a familiar face who was in the electroshock therapy ward ñ my friend and some time adversary Joey Holmes. When I first met him he was delirious, ranting on about escaping from the Asylum with some Red Indian. I thought he was on the crack again. He said he would return and get me out of there, and true to his word, 3 months later I was paid a visit by a Wheelchair bound Nazi Biker in a Pink Fur Coat. Thatís right, the DOB himself, the old rascal Joey Holmes had come back for me and with his money and corruption had me out of there quicker than a bent nurse can suck off a paraplegic".

Trisha looks at Chad, "That story really brought a tear to my eye.............Chad, we are going to bring out LL Studley, have you seen him since your release?"

"Indeed I haven't Trisha". Trisha puts on her best patronising voice and asks Chad "Is there anything you'd like to say before we bring him out?" Chad looks pensive but slowly nods his head, "Yes, yes there is something I'd like to say........"

"Ladies, I'll see you at Chad's Pad where I'll be bad and you'll be had"

*K7's mid 90's classic 'Come Baby Come' plays over the PA system much to the delight of the young single mums in the audience, who no doubt were in a club dancing to it the night they got pregnant*

A rather overweight man comes out with two brasses on his arm.

'Can security please escort this man out of the building, where is L.L Studley'

'Hold on there Trisha if my sources are correct that is indeed my son'

L.L slowly makes his way to his seat, gives his father the bird and slowly makes his way on to a chair. The chair breaks and the audience laugh at L.L, Trisha motions to the audience to be quite whilst Chad looks on in horror at his once Adonis like son.

The stagehands find LL a more robust seat and we can continue.

'Is everything okay L.L'

'Is everything okay, is everything okay, what do you think you filthy cum guzzler'

The audience snigger at L.L

'You shits can shut up as well, each and every one of you will most probably be waiting outside waiting for me to give you a portion of Studley sauce'

'L.L, what's happened to you since you had your father committed'

'It's not what's happened since it's what happened since me and my pops were re-united, that jealous old bastard has ruined my life'

'How so'

'How so you ask you cock hungry bint, this is how so. First night we go out to snag some pelt and that bastard gets me taking all manner of drugs and drinking god knows what, now I've always been a party animal and sure I've dabbled but that old fart over there tried taking me to the extreme''

'Why not just say no L.L, didn't Grange Hill teach you anything'

'Well due to daddy dearest not being around when I was younger me and my Mum had to make do without TV so therefore ever since me and him re-united all I wanted to do was impress him and that meant being heavily influenced him'

'In what other ways has your father influenced you L.L'

'Well Trisha lets just say that my standards have dropped when it comes to wanting to divulge in matters of a sexual nature. I used to be the talk of the town, the guy that every chick wanted to jump on and ride like a bucking bronco. I was L.L Studley the man who can and the man who did but not anymore, look at me, I'm an overweight piece of crap with bags round my eyes, scraggly hair, bad body odour. I used to have the pick of A-list celebs to bump uglies with, I've bedded Kerry Katona, Tiffany, Jessie Wallace, Donna Air, Charlotte Church, the one who didn't sing much from Mis-teeq, Lisa Mafia, Jade Goody, Joan Colllins, Esther Ra... erm you get the point. Since me and him became father and son again I've been fucked up by drink, drugs and fast food and fucked by skanky nobodies''

Chad sits in his chair with a smirk on his face and twiddles his handsome tache

'I sympathise with you L.L but why get your father committed, surely if you would come on this show sooner things could of been worked out, it's what I do L.L, well that and suck a mean cock'

'You do suck a mean cock Trish but how would you feel if your father went and got rid of your child behind your back'

'But your circumstances were different L.L, it would of been a freak of a child due to it being concocted by you and that silicone slut of a sister of yours Jordan'

'Thatís a good point Trisha, that crack whore went and got straight up the duff straight away with that Aussie arsehole Peter Andre anyways but it doesn't excuse what my father had in store for me next'

'Please tell us L.L'

L.L quickly hides a pork pie he had a sneaky bite on

'In return for the heartbreak of me losing my child my old man went about hunting down women I've slept with to see if I had any L.L juniors out there'

'Did he find any L.L'

'He didn't, I always covered my tracks Trisha and left those ho's with money to get the morning after pill or to get an abortion you know that Trisha'

Chad butts in 'Son, I have a surprise for you, I did manage to find some of your offspring L.L but you had me sent to the nut house before I had the chance to tell you on a one off Trisha special, so here they are junior your 27 sons and daughters and my 27 grandchildren'

The Trisha theme plays as L.L's kids walk out on stage

L.L looks on in shock whilst the audience coo's and Bad Chadís face lights up with glee, Chad gets up and offers them all a Murray Mint

'how do you feel about this L.L'

'I'm speechless Trisha, but one thing I want to know is, where are all the mothers'

'Let me answer this Trisha, L.L I have paid off all the mothers and all your children will now be living with you'

'How could you do that father, I live in a crappy bed sit and I am claiming benefits'

'Don't worry son, although you deserve a good thrashing from your old man for what you did to me I suppose I deserve it and that is why I am willing to support you and your kids, all I have ever wanted is a family'

'Oh Dad, I forgive you, I'm sorry for having you committed and paying the nurses to bum fuck you every night whilst you were sedated'

'thatís okay son, it was an experience for me, it made me wiser and loosened me up, lets got to the sweet shop, I'm paying, the milky bars are on me. While were hear though I must say Trisha girl you are looking sweeeet hot, me and my son never got the chance to use our patented finishing move the 'Spit roast' what do ya say Trish'

Trisha looks on licking her lips

'Lets go boys all I want to know is which one you hot rods is going to fish in Trish's dish first'

L.L eyes light up

'Me, me, me I haven't had a sniff since I put this weight on'

'Listen up, I've kept in practice and learnt a few new tricks in the mental home your father should get to part Trisha's lips of doom first''

'Piss off you old cunt, I need to feel the inside of a women'

'Now, now son, you can have the mouth first and the stir my porridge'

L.L charges at Chad and fight breaks out on stage, Trisha looks on at the two men fight whilst she friggs herself off in anticipation of a good spit roast
','0','29',NULL,'0',NULL,'78f718a5a6b8b731842f381a01a44fdb','0','0');
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[img]\[/img]

Hot Chocolateís You Sexy Thing hits the eCw arena and here is Bad Chad at the top of the ramp in his finest Cuban heels and safari suit. He struts down to the ring like a man twenty years his junior, wipes his groovy shoes on the ring apron and gets inside to a rapturous welcome from the eCw faithful.

Next up we have K7ís Come Baby Come as LL Studley makes his way to the top of the ramp as the pyros and little girlís hearts explode. Studley is looking much leaner and more ripped than in that footage we just saw. Heís clearly taking this genre defining match very seriously and is in good shape.

Your referee for this match is ex star of The Wonder Years, Fred Savage.

---Match Highlights---

The bell goes and Chad offers his hand for a gentlemanly handshake before the bout. Studley responds by slapping his father across the face. Chad turns away and rubs his cheek, before responding with a nice right hander which knocks his errant son to the floor. Chad dives on top and the two begin rolling around on the floor exchanging blows, pulling each others hair and gouging the eyes. Eventually they spill out to the ringside still trading blow for blow.

Whip into the ring steps from Studley gives him control of his dad, as he follows up with another whip into the guardrail. Backhanded chops to the hairy chest of Sexington bring joyous cries of ëwhoohí from the Farnham Rd crowd. LL takes the fight back into the ring and hits a back suplex which he follows through into the pin with a handful of Chadís leopard skin tights. Nothing gets past Fred Savage though as he breaks up the pin.

Studley charges in but is met with a knee lift from his experienced opponent. Bad Chad hoists up LL for his finisher The Pick Up Line, only for Studley to wriggle free. Chad grabs his son and bends him over his knee, pulling down his tights to expose his bare arse and give it a good spank, much to the delight of the crowd.

Chad sportingly allows the fruit of his over active loins the opportunity to scamper from the ring and regain his modesty. Chad parts the ropes and beckons LL back in, which he obliges only to be kicked up the jacksie on the way through. This riles up Studley who comes off the ropes for a flying elbow. Studley goes up top for his patented elbow drop but Chad moves out of the way at the last minute.

Both men struggle to their feet and trade tired blows in the middle. Studley gets the upper hand with a boot to the midriff. He sets up his old man for the powerbomb, but somehow the wily old fox reverses into the torture rack position for The Pick Up Line! Wham! Chad sends his son face first into the canvas, and makes the pin 1Ö..2Ö..3!! At last Chad Sexington has a win in an eCw arena!!!

YOUR WINNER VIA PINFALL: CHAD SEXINGTON!!!

Chad extends his hand to his son, who seems a bit pissed off at being taught a lesson by his dad. Finally, his emotions get the better of him and the two warmly embrace in the centre of the ring, much to the pleasure of the crowd!

Joey Holmes: Sickening Kent, just sickening.



The Sheriff of eCwës Worst Nightmare

We cut backstage where we find Sheriff Buford T Justice starring into space. Somehow we are able to see into his mind has he mentally prepares himself to defend his Million Dollar Belt against homosexual rookie William Hell:

QUOTESheriff Cuntface is naked but for a towel in his locker room and is talking into his cell phone: "Yeah thatís right, Phillipeno lad, about 3ft 4. Lovely stock a bit bony but sweats like a POW"

A puff of smoke suddenly appears as the camera loses its feed. We cut back to Sheriff on the payphone; a small boy is standing over him. He seems to be wearing a walkman and some kind of nuclear suit. The strange being starts to flay the Sheriff with a bike chain, choking and whipping the Million Dollar Champ with total disregard for anyoneís safety. Who is this mysterious angel? Sheriff holds up a bludgeoned bloody hand to pull down the facemask..."I, I know you..." he murmurs.

Why itís none other than William Hell....aged 10, Heís come back......BACK TO THE FUTURE!

Huey Lewis and the News, The Power of Love begins to playÖ..

"Yes Cuntface T. Justice thatís right, I have come back, back to the future. Back to the future to stop you peddling small Asian children as sick love slaves for your celebrity friends such as Telly Savalas and Don Johnson. I also want your Million Dollar Belt, which I will give to AIDS Research so they can save the older version of me from this crippling gayís disease. Your time as Paedophilic child sex monster and worthless champ are at an end, I will drag your bloody rotten corpse to the ring, and let the older dying version of me cover you for the 1, 2 and the 3."

William Hell aged 10, ties the bike chain around Cuntfaceís fat neck, and the other end to his bicycle seat, Cuntface weighs a ton but this young time traveller has a bike that can hover and the fat blubbery mess of a man is pulled to the ring in no time. Cuntfaceís body slumps against the ring apron, his face a bloody mess.

"Ice Cream" whispers Cuntface

"You like Ice Cream boy?"

Like any other 10 year old, William cannot say no to a Funny Foot and grabs the stick of creamy goodness from Cuntfaceís dying hand. Cuntface stumbles into the ring beckoning William Hell towards him; young William obliges and steps between the ropes, still clutching his vanilla treat.

"Lick it boy, lick ittttt", Cuntfaceís sinister tones are back.

Like any 10 year old, William cannot say no to a tall man with hunched shoulders
and a beard, he takes a large bite from the large icey foot.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm" Will is like a 40 year old lady with a well built lodger, its ecstasy. "Muhahahahah, everybodyís got a price" Sheriff is crying, tears of pain, tears of anger, tears of joy........

William Hell falls to the ground, mouth frothing, and body writhing...his face purple, then red. Has he been poisoned?

"What you flids don't seem to realise is that William Hell, although he's a charismatic Adonis, is riddled with sexual man diseases right now, and before he was a young diabetic, at war with his sugar levels...it looks like someone forgot their medication this morning"

Young Williams heart stops........the funny foot falls from his grasp, melting down
his ice cold fingers, William Hell aged 10 is dead.

The announcer calls for William Hell senior to come out from the back...

"HHAHAHAHAHA" Sheriff Mocks, "Don't you see...with the Diabetic time traveller gone, there is no William Hell, I have changed history.....I am still the champion and William Hell is dead.

"BUT" a voice comes over the loudspeaker...

"You forgot to mention that this title could change hands on a DQ Mr. Justice"

A figure steps out from behind a shower curtain...Its Bobby Ewing

"Ladies and Gentlemen your new Million Dollar ChampionÖ William Hell, RIP"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Sheriffs heart literally breaks, he lays in the ring.. No crowd reaction, no lights, no money, no belt and no small children to prey on.

A beaten man - a myth a legend.


ìBass, bass, bassman ñ you gotta wake up bass, your match is up next bass!î

Sheriff shoots bolt upright in a cold sweat to see his new Negro bodyguard Big Bal Bowski trying to rouse him.

SBTJ: ìWow what a crazy dream Bal; go fetch my beta blockers, Iíve got a feeling this is gonna be a slobberknocker!í

BBB: ìShure thang bass, shure thang.î



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[img]\[/img]

The Sheriff makes his way out slowly to the ring resplendent in his Million Dollar Belt and flanked by his Negro man servant Big Bal Bowski. His music of choice? Why of course itís R Kellyís I Believe I Can Fly. Sheriff gets into the ring and Bal disrobes him, he is startled when the Back to the Future theme, The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News strikes up, and eCw newcomer William Hell appears at the top of the ramp in a garish spangly outfit and face paint.

The two stallions stare each other down in the middle of the ring as referee Uriah Rennie takes the Million Dollar Belt and shows it to both men, and then the crowd. The bell goes and this one is underwayÖ

---Match Highlights---

Will gets this underway by planting a long, lingering Cheese-eating surrender monkey kiss on the mouth of the startled Sheriff. He recoils spitting and trying to wipe off the face paint and glitter that has rubbed off onto his beard. Sheriff bails out of the ring and orders Bal in, grabbing his belt and making his way up the ramp. Bal lumbers in, only for Will to dart through his legs and out of the ring also to pursue the Sheriff up the ramp. Will catches Buford and leaps onto his back, riding him like a pony and smacking his ample backside.

Sheriff stumbles back down towards the ring and backs up into the ringpost, causing Will to slump to the floor clutching his back. Sheriff and Bal get stuck in with some vicious stomps as Willís body contorts with pain.

Kent Walton: Young William appears to be shrinking! I thought Iíd seen it all!

Joey Holmes: Somethingís not quite right here Kent. Something in the space and time continuum isnít quite what it should be; I can feel it in my arthritic bones.

Sheriff rolls his spasticated opponent into the ring and locks on his deadly finisher, the Million Dollar Dream, when all of a sudden there is a flash of light on the ramp and an old DeLorean car comes hurtling down in a trail of fire!!

Kent Walton: Goodness gracious me!

Out from the DeLorean jumps what appears to be a younger version of William, dressed in nice jeans, a checked shirt and a red body warmer. In the same instant, the other William in the ring sparks back into life top fight out of Sheriffís deadly submission manoeuvre. William II engages Big Bal in fisticuffs outside and around the ring, while William I battles back at the Sheriff inside it. Gaining the upper hand William I puts the Sheriff in a homoerotic surfboard style hold ñ kinky! Just when it looks as if Buford is about to tap like a girl his faithful bodyguard Bal Bowski runs in and levels William I with the Million Dollar Belt, having just dealt with William II on the outside.

Bal holds up William I in a full nelson type hold while Sheriff begins to deliver stiff punches to his painted face. Both William I and William II are beginning to convulse and shrink again. William II is trying desperately to get to his feet and help his future self but his body appears to be giving up on him, when all of a suddenÖ.WHAMÖhe is ploughed down by a ten year old boy on a hover-bike who has appeared in a flash of light and flame. The kid on that bike looks a bit likeÖ..William. William III rouses William II and they both enter the ring throw Big Bal Bowski over the top rope, with his foot getting caught in the ropes he is left hanging there like one of his brothers in 1930ís Mississippi.

They wrestle Buford to the floor, and each grab one of his pale flabby legs pulling them apart. William I gets to his feet gingerly, and makes his way to the top ropeÖ.WAASSSUUUUP!!! William I lands a death defying headbutt straight into the groggy Sheriffís groin.

William I pins the Sheriff, and Rennie who has been largely anonymous all match makes the count

1Ö..2Ö..3

YOUR WINNER VIA PINFALL & NEW MILLION DOLLAR CHAMPION: WILLIAM HELL!!!!!

William I gets on the mic and thanks his time travelling other selves, William II and William III for the assist and pledges to auction off the Sheriffís belt and donate the money to helping find a cure for AIDS, thus saving his future self from a grizzly and agonizing death.

He finishes off this virtuoso performance by giving a stunning rendition of Johnny B Goode on electric guitar. The women in the crowd weep pure salt tears because deep down they know they can never have him.


Video Footage: At a Nearby Abattoir

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The Joeytron fizzes with static and up on the screen we see an old abandoned slaughterhouse being filmed by a shaky hand held camera. Kneeling down with their hands tied behind their backs are The Tartan Army, Muzza and Jayo. Standing either side of them are ruthless Al Queda terrorist tag team Deathmatch and Sicko, collectively known as the Fatwa Boys.

Deathmatch: Durka durka Mohammed Jihad!

Sicko: Joey Holmes are you listening! This is the last time you overlook the Fatwa Boys for one of your shows.

Deathmatch: Hajabbabala, madjala - durka durka jaldi bamabala. Mohammed Jihad!

Sicko: Thatís right my Islamic brother. The infidels in this company have held down and ignored the Fatwa Brothers for too long now. Infidel Holmes would rather invite a fornicating team of pornographic film stars to compete for the eCw tag team belts, than the greatest tag team in the Middle East!

Deathmatch: Umbongo umbongo, jaldi bamabala!!

Sicko: We are taking your two Scottish friends back to Afghanistan with us where they will be chained to a radiator and fed their own faeces. We are putting a Fatwa on Danny Demento and the Mouth, and if you do not agree to our demands we will put a Fatwa on you!

Deathmatch: Durka durka Mohammed Jihad!

Sicko: Ha ha! At your next show infidel Holmes we want Danny Demento and The Mouth for the tag team titles. If this contract is not made within the next six monthsÖ.

Both men draw their thumbs across their throats, and the Joeytron goes black.

Quote:

 

eCw Intercontinental Title Match: Bionic Taffy vs Cogito Ergo Sum

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[img]\[/img]

Taffy makes his way to the ring first to his old Connection music - their awesome barbershop quartet version of the Going for Gold theme. Next out to Flower of Scotland, come ring savvy technician, Cogito Ergo Sum.

Your referee for this match is Andi Peters.

---Match Highlights---

The two lock up for a test of strength, which Cogito Ergo Sum turns into a Greco Roman Knucklelock. Taffy powers back with snap-kicks to Cogito Ergo Sumís knees, forcing him to lose control of the hold. Taffy is able to hit several knife edge chops backing Cogito Ergo Sum into the corner. Taffy charges Cogito Ergo Sum in the corner but he gets tossed to the outside of the ring and Cogito Ergo Sum follows.

Cogito Ergo Sum beats Taffyís head against the ring apron on the outside. Whip into the ring-post is reversed by Taffy, sending Cogito Ergo Sum shoulder first into the metal. Taff delivers a flying enziguiri coming off the steel steps for extra height. Cogito Ergo Sum flops face first onto the hard floor on the outside. Taff rolls in and out to break the ten count, before taking control of Cogito Ergo Sum on the outside with a hammerlock which continues to apply pressure to Cogito Ergo Sumís shoulder. Taffy hoist Cogito Ergo Sum up for what looks like a wrist clutch suplex only to reverse and crotch Cogito Ergo Sum on the guardrail. Taffy leaps onto the apron and comes off with a flying clothesline that sends both competitors into the front row of the crowd.

The two begin to brawl, and this suits the larger Cogito Ergo Sum who is on top as the fight returns to the ring. Hiptoss followed by a kneedrop to the skull grounds Taffy, as Cogito Ergo Sum locks in a surfboard, which he punctuates with stiff shin strikes to Taffyís back. Cogito Ergo Sum whips Taff into the ropes and catches him with a sweet tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for a two count. Cogito Ergo Sum goes up top for a high risk move but Taffy is able to shove the ref into the ropes crotching him up top. Taffy climbs the turnbuckle and exchanges open fists with Cogito Ergo Sum. Taffy comes off the top rope with a superplex which he rolls through into a reverse front facelock, which Cogito Ergo Sum is able to break after a tough struggle for the ropes.

Taff goes for the Boston crab but he is reversed out of that by Cogito Ergo Sum. Taffy then went off the ropes and gave Cogito Ergo Sum a drop kick to the legs to send him down to the mat. Taffy then went for the Boston crab again but Cogito Ergo Sum was able to roll through for a reversed pin attempt that only gets one. Boot to the gut followed by a snap suplex from Taffy to get the two count.

Taff hooks on the Boston crab again and he gets it fully locked in this time. Cogito Ergo Sum crawls to the ropes to break up the hold and Taffy has to release. Taff puts Cogito Ergo Sum is a waist lock and gets ready to hook in a German Suplex. Taffy spikes him with it. Taffy then goes up to the top rope and signals for the flying headbutt but as soon as he does, Cogito Ergo Sum sits up. Taffy gets down and hits some knife edge chop and then goes back up top for the flying headbutt and this time connects, getting quite a bit of the move himself. The Ref does a standing 10 count for both men.

Cogito Ergo Sum somehow is able to recover first and take control with stomps to Taffy. Cogito Ergo Sum delivers the Full Stop to Taffy, and goes for a 3 count, but Taffy is able to get his foot on the ropes for two. Cog cannot believe it. Cogito Ergo Sum then goes for a tombstone but Taffy is able to wiggle out of it. Cogito Ergo Sum then hits a mighty big boot square to the jaw of Taffy. Cogito Ergo Sum then goes up to the top and comes off with a flying clothesline but Taffy catches him a sweet dropkick. Taffy cinches in the Boston crab again but this time Cogito Ergo Sum is simply able to power out of it. Taffy comes off the ropes and hits a boot to the gut, followed up by his powerbomb finisher The Taffinator! He makes the cover and grabs some tights for good measure 1ÖÖÖÖ2ÖÖÖ..3

YOUR WINNER VIA PINFALL & NEW eCw INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION: TAFFY!!!!!

Taffy goads the crowd as his two henchmen Lurk and Butch rush out to celebrate with him. Cogito Ergo Sum offers a hand to his victorious opponent but it is refused by the nasty ginger Welshman! The three of them begin to beat down on Cogito who is powerless against three men, two of them nearly seven foot tall.

But wait, here comes Burt Gummer hobbling out of the crowd on crutches! He climbs into the ring and lays out Lurk with one of his crutches! He lays out Butch with the other! Now Burt and Cogito have Taffy two on one! Cog hits Taffy with a punch that sends him stumbling towards GummerÖBLAM! Gummer hits him with his Shepherdís Neame Spit! Cogito Ergo Sum lifts up Taffy, and BLAM! Drops him with the Full Stop right onto his newly won eCw Intercontinental Title. Burt calls for a couple of cans of Shepherdís Neame, and he and Cogito toast each other over the fallen body of Bionic Taffy, when BLAM! FIREWORK HAS BLINDSIDED BOTH MEN WITH A STEEL CHAIR! He grabs Taffy and pulls him from the ring, as Lurk and Butch join them retreating away from the ring up the ramp. When they reach the top of the ramp, they all link arms and raise them to the sky as the Joeytron shows the Welsh Flag. Cogito and Burt curse at them and shake the ropes.

Looks like we have a new sinister faction in eCw, led by a robotic ginger Welsh nutcase!


Itës Back, Itës Cynicës Circle!

*The in-house band "The Blockbusters" start playing "Looking for Freedom" by Sir David Hasselhoff. As the smoke clears, eCw legend and former World Heavyweight Champion Cynic emerges wearing a top hat and tails, accompanied as ever by his delectable bride, Dame Judith Chalmers, and his loyal butler Jeeves, as well as a young Oriental child.

Cynic grabs the microphone but before he can speak, the crowd proceeds to give him a standing ovation. Cynic soaks in the adulation for over 10 minutes, upon which time he can finally start speaking*

"Good heavens. My lords and ladies, squires and dames, and children of all ages, colour me humbled. It is good to be back home in the place where I accomplished my greatest achievements. Welcome to Cynic's Circle. The last time you saw me I was embarking on my honeymoon to Bangkok after my fairytale wedding to Dame Judith where I was married by Jesus H. Christ himself in a display of pomp and circumstance not seen since Scott Robinson married young Charlene Ramsey; despite my evil twin brother Godfrey's attempts to sabotage the whole affair. Unfortunately, it wasn't only Ms Judith getting wet on our honeymoon, which was hastily cut off by a rather annoying tsunami which completely ruined my favourite smoking jacket and slippers. Out of the goodness of my heart (as well as complicated tax reasons) I adopted a young Thai boy called Yung Fok as my son/man-servant, and the extended Cynic family came back home.

Upon my return to this fair land of ours, I was greeted with the news that my longtime nemesis Rav the Don had been brutally slain dead after an outbreak of gang warfare in which the notorious Buckinghamshire Massive sought revenge after a stolen shipment of Dunlop Green Flash plimsolls went missing. Instead of jubilation, I found myself feeling sorrow and grief for my fallen enemy. Despite my dominance over all my wrestling rivals, the only two men I had never defeated were Rav the Don and Godfrey. I realised that my feud with Rav the Don had consequently shaped my destiny and changed me as a human being, as I could never do anything without Rav's ominous shadow hanging over me. I finally had to accept that much like Godfrey and I were brothers bound by blood, Rav the Don was also my brother, bound by fate. Much like Cannon and Ball, Keith Harris and Orville, and Chaka Demus and Pliers, Rav the Don and I completed each other.

The prospect of life without my soul brother Rav sent me into a spiral of despair and depression. My sherry addiction was out of control and I was being a bad husband to Ms Judith and a bad father to Yung Fok, going so far as to confiscate his beloved Commadore 64. One night when I was at my lowest ebb, I started watching my "Best of Dolph Lundgren" DVD set as a means of cheering myself up. After having watched the magnificent Rocky IV and the seminal masterpiece "Masters of the Universe", I began watching "Universal Soldier". Then it happened, as the proverbial lightbulb appeared in front of my head and I had the greatest idea in the history of mankind since I decided to call into "Going Live" and insult the pop quintet "5 Star". We could rebuild Rav the Don and bring him back to life.

I called up two of my closest friends, Sir Clive Sinclair and Sir Alan Sugar. A scientific genius and a man with the technological capabilities and resources to make this vision come to light. Together we were able to fix Rav the Don and make him better than ever. Ladies and gentlemen, right here live on Cynic's Circle, I present to you my new bodyguard, he is half-robot and half-gangster, the Vanilla Killer, the Ghetto Gobot, I give to you, in conjunction with Amstrad Industries and Sinclair Technologies, the new and improved...RAV THE DON 2000!

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Not since Lord Steven Guttenberg heard the immortal words "Johnny Five, Alive" has one man been so happy to see his creation come to life. He is a hi-tech homeboy, running on the unbeatable Commadore 64 processor chip. Sir Clive installed the Stu Francis Speech Programme software in error, so other than expressing a desire to crush a grape, Rav the Don 2000 is the ultimate killing machine. No one will be able to get past Cynic's Cyborg and attack me now.

Which brings me to you Godfrey. All of my life you have tried to ruin me and bring me down because of your jealousy. However, now that I have RoboRav by my side, you can no longer use your street-smarts and ghetto-knowledge against me, because I have with me the man/machine who grew up on the tough streets of Surbiton. When The D.O.B. himself Joey Holmes called to inform me that eCw was returning I knew that my chance for a final showdown with you Godfrey had come. Well technically, The D.O.B begged me to return to eCw since I am his top draw and his greatest star and eCw would be nothing without me, but that is besides the point. Godfrey, when you ran away as a child to pursue your ridiculous dream of joining the breakdancing troupe "The Rock Steady Crew", I know that you were abused by a succession of foster parents. That is why I asked, well demanded that the D.O.B grant me the match I wanted, the most dangerous, dastardly and psychologically destructive match there has ever been...The Paedogeddon Chamber. Jeeves, release these proverbial hounds.

*Jeeves brings out Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, Jonathan King, Matthew Kelly and Pete Townsend; all of whom are attached to a gurney and wearing muzzles over their mouths*

Before you are some of the most vile pieces of humanity that have ever walked this earth. They will be locked in the Paedogeddon Chamber with us as we do battle.

*Cynic points to the ceiling where a hellish looking steel chamber is being lowered towards the ring*

Godfrey, now you must enter your living nightmare and we will finally decide which of us is the superior brother.

*Suddenly, Gary Glitter breaks free from his gurney and runs towards Yung Fok. Before he is able to get his hands on him, Rav the Don 2000 stuns him with a laser and immobilises him as he is once again tied up to his gurney*

Glitter you pervert. No Yung Fok for you. Somewhat of a close shave, but RoboRav was able to deal with the situation without breaking a robotic sweat. Godfrey, prepare to meet your maker. Colour me victorious.

*As The Blockbusters play the theme to "Going for Gold", as his extended family of Dame Judith Chalmers, Jeeves, Yung Fok and Rav the Don 2000 exit the set, and Cynic prepares to enter PAEDOGEDDON*

Quote:

 

Paedogeddon Chamber Match: Cynic vs. Godfrey feat. Michael Jackson, Matthew Kelly, Pete Townsend, Jonathan King & Gary Glitter

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The imposing steel structure of the Paedogeddon Chamber surrounds the ring: 40 miles of steel chain, 25 miles of razor wire surround the roof with steel mesh either side of the ring. There are five glass chambers into which the filthy paedophiles are locked and their muzzles removed. One paedophile will be released into the chamber to do battle with Godfrey and Cynic at five minute intervals.

Cynic enters the Chamber to rapturous applause from the rabid eCw faithful.
Suddenly ëTreat Your Mother Rightí blasts over the PA system, or should I say BA system as long-time eCw favourite coloured commentator, Mr T joins the DOB and Sir Kent Walton on commentary.

Kent: What a marvellous surprise! Mister T how the devil are you homeboy?

Mr T: Foí shizzle my nizzle Kent my dawg! I wouldnít miss dis foí all da milk in the world. I wanna see my main man Cynic kick some pederast butt!

The lights in the arena go out, and there is deathly silence in anticipation. Then that familiar bassline hits ñ Vanilla Iceís Ice, Ice Baby. Itís Cynicís dastardly breakdancing twin brother Godfrey, and heís bought his posse The Rock Steady Crew with him. The crowd boos wildly as Godfrey walks robotically down to the chamber.

Your referee for this match is Sir Henry Kelly.

---Match Highlights---

The twin brothers stand toe to toe as a chant for Cynic breaks out around the arena. Long gone are the days when he was booed to the rafters. These fans have waited six long months to watch these two go at it. Sir Henry Kelly speaks to both competitors and we are underway!

The two big men begin to criss-cross each other, building up speed and momentum off the ropes. Finally these two behemoths collide in the middle with Cynic knocking his evil twin to the floor with a shoulder charge. Cynic comes off the ropes with a leg drop with Godfrey evades by rolling out of the way. Godfrey kips up and delivers a stiff kick to the back of Cynicís head. Guiding him to his feet with his arm wrapped round his neck, Godfrey delivers a nice back suplex, and makes the cover only for Cynic to get his shoulder up before Kelly can even make a count.

The buzzer sounds and the spotlight flashes on the five chambers stopping onÖ.Pete Townsend!

The two men in the middle are grappling toe to toe in the middle as Pistol Pete comes off the turnbuckle with a double clothesline grounding both brothers. Townsend mounts Godfrey and begins licking his face. Disgusted, Godfrey pushes him away and hurdles the ropes, and begins trying to climb the chamber. Cynic hits a turnbuckle powerbomb on Pete, and begins to pursue Godfrey. Grabbing a handful of tights and exposing Godfreyís hairy backside, he pulls him crashing down back-first onto the steel floor outside the ring. Cynic drags his dazed and confused evil breakdancing twin to his feet, and leading him by the hand, walks the ropes and gets old school with him. Cynic is jumped from behind by Pete Townsend as the buzzer goes again.

The spotlight flashes on the four chambers stopping onÖ.Matthew Kelly!

Sir Henry Kellyís old Game for a Laugh namesake comes prancing into the fray as Cynic rams Townsend into the steel chain wall with him still clung to his back. As Matthew Kelly moves in to attack, he is greeted with an almighty big boot from Cynic. The crowd are going apeshit. Cynic takes it to his groggy brother, working him over with stiff forearms, whilst striding over him like a proud warrior. Finally he tosses him back into the ring away from the steel floor and the recovering perverts on the other side of the ropes. Cynic charges in with a clothesline which Godfrey ducks this time. Capitalising on his brotherís mistake he follows up with a shoulderblock to the back of the knee that sends Cynic crashing to the mat on his back. Godfrey grabs Cynicís legs and signals for Cynicís very own finisher The Sherryshooter. Cynic uses his powerful legs to push Godfrey through the ropes where he is set upon and molested by Matthew Kelly and Pete Townsend. As Sir Henry Kelly struggles to restore order, Cynic uses the opportunity to take a breather, clapping his hands and working the Slough locals into a Cynic Frenzy. WhenÖ

The buzzer sounds and the spotlight flashes on the three chambers stopping onÖ.Michael Jackson!

Mr T: What is dis damn fool doing! Whyís a brotha wanna go an look like whitey foí? Itís sick Kent I tell ya, sick! If those dirty suckas keep this up Iím gonna git in there and break some heads!

Sir Kent: It appears as if the contestants in this bizarre, nightmarish battle are all off to Never Never Land.

Jackson moonwalks out of his chamber and is met with a boot to the side of the head from a repulsed Cynic. He grabs The King of Pop by his long girly hair and begins rubbing his face against the chain wall, shredding his pale tissue-like skin as Jacko screams for mercy in his high pitched childlike voice, gurgling with his own blood. Cynic strides purposefully over to the ensuing melee involving his twin and Townsend and Matthew Kelly. BAM! Chokeslam to Pete Townsend, WHAM! Jack-knife powerbomb to Matthew Kelly on the steel floor. Grabbing his brother in a headlock, he marches him back into the ring to continue his assault. Cynic sets him up and calls for the Decorum Driver, and connects as the ring shakes on impact.

The buzzer sounds and the spotlight flashes on the two remaining chambers stopping onÖ.Jonathan King!

Back in the ring Cynic makes the cover on Godfrey. Sir Henry Kelly makes the count 1Ö.2Ö.itís interrupted as Jonathan King gooses Cynic. Cynic turns around, clearly not amused. He backs the slimy former manager of 10CC into the corner and delivers a ten punch, which is counted out by the ecstatic crowd. King slumps into a heap in the corner as Cynic turns around to finish off his brother, only to be met by Jackson, Matthew Kelly and Pistol Pete. They set about him and finally the numbers game is too much for Cynic as they overpower him to the floor with punches and kicks. Jonathan King recovers and puts Cynic in a full nelson, as the other three disgusting kiddie fiddlers deliver boots to his face, opening him up. Godfrey gets to his feet and smiles. He hurdles the ropes and starts to climb from the chamber, leaving his brother at the mercy of those sickos.

The buzzer sounds and the spotlight flashes on the remaining chamber Ö.here comes the leader of the gang, Gary Glitter!

As King holds Cynic in the full nelson, the others pull down his tights to expose his ass. Gary Glitter slicks back his hair and licks his lips. It looks like he may be about to receive a burglary on live national television, as his brother is climbing to freedom up the chambers chain mail wall.

Glitter stands in front of Cynic and slaps him hard across the face. Grabbing his crotch he yells in Cynicís face ëDíya Wanna be in my Gangbangí and then begins to walk around behind him. Oh dear.

But wait! Whatís this! Itís Rav The Don 2000 flying through the arena on a jet-pac. He lands on the side of the chamber and slices through it using a blowtorch that extends from his forefinger. Flying inside the ring, he takes out Jonathan King with his laser beam eyes, releasing Rav 2000ís master from his vice like grip. Rav karate kicks Michael Jackson to the floor, and then double chokeslams Pete Townsend and Matthew Kelly to the mat.

Cynic stumbles to his feet and looks up to see Godfrey approaching the top of the chamber. Hopping onto Rav The Don 2000ís back as he flies up and leaps onto the chamber wall to resume hostilities with his brother.

The two bitter rivals duke it out whist hanging perilously off the chamber wall, 30ft above the ring. Both men are badly lacerated as they trade bitter blow after bitter blow, the crowdís hearts are in their mouths. Cynic starts to get the better of Godfrey and begins slamming his head into the chain wall. Finally he manages to pull Godfrey from the wall of the chamber, sending him plunging into and through the ring below.
Cynic turns and looks down, he seems to be readying himself to fly through the air and finish his brother off once and for all.

Sir Kent: Dear God NO! Donít do it Cynic itís suicide!

Cynic comes to his senses and begins to slowly and methodically climb down the side of the chamber. He calmly strides into the ring and places a foot on his stricken opponent as Sir Henry makes the count..

1ÖÖÖ2ÖÖÖ..3!!

Cynic has overcome all the odds to defeat his evil twin.
This match truly was PAEDOGEDDON!!

YOUR WINNER BY PINFALL: CYNIC!!

Quote:

 

Joeyës Tearful Thank You Speech

The ring is cleared of the chamber and temporary repair are made to the mat as a nurse wheels Joey Holmes down to the ring to say a few words before we go off air. He is wheeled up a specially made ramp and takes a microphone off the ring announcer so he can address the eCw faithfulÖ.

"Thank you, thank you, please stop applauding you are embarrassing me! Oh go on then just a bit more! No seriously that is enough, we donít have much time left and I just wanna say a few words.

Iím a proud man tonight, and a very grateful man. Iím proud of my workers for putting on one of the greatest wrestling shows I have ever bore witness to. Iím also grateful to them for waiving their fees, so that I might humbly take the small profit we will make tonight and use it try and help me walk again.

Iím also hugely grateful to all the eCw fans who turned out in their droves this evening, and all those who ordered the pay-per-view. YOU are eCw, and without you I am truly nothing.

*Joey begins to sob*

I love you all guys, give yourselves a round of applauseÖ.."

Suddenly, the lights in the arena go out.

Kent Walton: Has someone forgotten to pay the bill? This is going to upset our emotional DOB...

Two enormous lightening strikes hit the ramp, which lights up in a wall of flame. The audience shield their eyes from the blaze; as it subsides, a figure can be seen standing at the top of the ramp. It isn't, is it? Could it be?

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Kent Walton: It's our World Champion, Loki. Good gracious!

The crowd go nuts as Loki makes his way down the ramp towards the ring. As he slides under the ropes, Joey Holmes back-pedals his wheelchair, but it bounces off the ropes and send him trundling back into the centre of the ring. Loki towers over the chair-ridden D.O.B, then leans down and takes the mic out of his hand. He takes a deep breath as the crowd chants "Loki, Loki!". Then they fall silent as he begins to speak.

"For many long ages, I have lain in rest in the deepest crypt underneath the sprawling labyrinth of Castle Loki. When the forces of evil were sent from this world, and my presence here amongst all you Lokiacs was no longer required, I laid myself down, and gave myself up to the deepest of sleeps - the sleep of the Immortals.

"But something disturbed my rest, some presence in the air. The merest hint of something, some scent that I had long forgot. And so I raised myself up, brethren, I raised myself up from my crypt and went from that place. As I travelled across the lands, this odour became stronger, and its foetid stench led me to this place. And now... now I am finally among you, amongst my most loyal fans here in the eCw Arena, and here in the bosom of my fiefdom I find the source of my unrest.

"What is this stench that wakes me, Lokiacs? What do I smell?"

Loki leans down so he is face to face with the D.O.B -

"I smell... BULLSHIT!"

The crowd pops as Joey looks shocked. He takes a big gulp as Loki continues.

"My people, there were no summons to Castle Loki, no messages to return, for One Night only, to this most sacred place. Your eCw World Champion was NOT invited here tonight. This miserable excrement has lied to you, right here in this ring. Do you think that I, the Immortal One, would not be here where it all began? Sacrilege. Not when I still hold this..."

Loki reaches into his cloak and pulls out... a SPINNING eCw World Championship Belt!

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He raises it above his head as the crowd chant 'eCw, eCw!!"

Loki turns away from Joey Holmes to address the crowd directly.

"And there is a REASON, my friends, that Loki was not meant to be here tonight, another layer in the web of lies upon which this whole evening has been based. I know, I understand that many of you here tonight have bought your tickets through sympathy for this person here in the ring with me. His story, his fall from grace has touched your hearts. This miserable cripple (the crowd murmurs) has asked you to give him one more chance.

"But your Champ knows the truth, my Lokiacs. I have been on the battlefield, amongst the wounded, the veterans, and I know a cripple when I see one."

Suddenly, Loki spins round and grabs the D.O.B by the throat. He lifts him from the chair; Joey's blanket falls from his legs, which dangle uselessly under him.

"This, my friends, this is no cripple!"

Loki hurls Joey Holmes to the ground where he sprawls in a tangled heap.

Kent Walton: My God, this time Loki has gone too far. Picking on a cripple, that's just not cricket!"

Mr T: That just ain't cool, kids. You ain't neva gonna treat somebaddy like dat!

The camera zooms in on the face of Joey Holmes as he lies on the canvas. He looks up, tears in his eyes, as the crowd boo Loki. Then, then... he smiles.

Kent Walton: What is this, negro? He's smiling!!

The crowd fall silent with shock as, slowly, the D.O.B gets to his feet. He leans uncertainly against the ropes, then, looking directly at the announce table, he gives the finger!!

The crowd erupt with anger, and down the ramp pour all the rest of the roster, who have been watching in the back. They surround the ring, shouting angrily.

Joey takes a mic from the ring announcer, and faces Loki in the centre of the ring.

"Alright, alright, goddamn it, you win. So, I'm not a cripple, I'm not disabled. As if I, the D.O.B would EVER sink so low as to live in a chair like some useless piece of shit. But now, I'm filthy rich from the box office, and you're still a deluded, broken-down old wrestler looking for a pay day. So, what are you going to do about it, Loki you spastic?"

Loki looks at the fans, then back to Joey.

"Maybe I'm going to kick your arse, one last time, and send these fans home happy, you miserable fraud!!"

Joey laughs. "The only reason I would ever fight you, Loki, would be for that title around your waist. That's the only thing you have that I want, the only part of this whole company that isn't mine to command. So what do you say... you willing to risk your precious belt just to kick a fake cripple's arse?

Loki smiles. "You have yourself a match, Holmes. If you thought being in that chair was uncomfortable, wait until you.. FEEL MY WRATH!!!"

It's on!

Lumberjack Match for the eCw Undisputed Heavyweight Championship: Loki vs. Joey Holmes

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Joey and Loki go eye to eye in the middle of the ring, as the eCw locker room spread out around the ring.

---Match Highlights---

There's some trash talk that we can't quite hear, and then Loki spits in Joey's eye! Joey lashes out with a firm right to the head. He follows it up with a series of blows to the head and face, backing Loki up to the ropes. Joey steps back to take a big swing, and Loki just flattens him with a sudden clothesline.

The D.O.B is down on the canvas, and the Champ delivers a series of kicks to the gut, before dropping a knee to Holmes' head. He grabs a handful of hair, and drags the boss' head between his legs. He's going for the Lightning Strike early! Joey Holmes scrambles out though, and bails to the outside.

Bad move. He's immediately jumped by Arthur Fowler and Random Jimmy, who both drop their pipes to take a shot at the D.O.B. They're joined by the homicidal Chunk, the suicidal Paul Heatley, and the post-whoricidal Exgenesys. The ringside area is beginning to resemble a gang-bang, but wait - the heavyweight champ has climbed the ringpost. Loki flies! He lands right in the centre of the melee, knocking everyone for 6. He and Joey tussle on the floor of the arena, each trying to gain an advantage. Joey gets to his feet, but gets hammered from behind by the bionic Taffy. The Taffinator lifts the D.O.B up and shoves him back into the ring. Loki follows suit, and rolls under the bottom rope.

Loki's got fire in his eyes now, and he sets about working Joey Holmes over. He locks in an armbar, then rolls it through into a triangle choke. A referee finally arrives in the ring, and slides over to look for a submission, but Loki's not letting him off so easily, and releases the hold. He hoists the D.O.B up and hits a devastating-looking back breaker.

Mr T: Dat's whaa he da champ!

Kent Walton: Our illustrious leader looks like he could be in line for some serious punishment tonight!

Joey tries to swipe away his opponent's hands, but he's still groggy, and Loki Irish-whips him into a corner. The champ follows up with a short-arm lariat, but stays in the corner, hooks his arms round Holmes, and belly-to-belly's him back into the centre of the ring. He's not finished, though, and pulls him back to his feet. Loki manoeuvres him nearer to the ropes, and the baying lumberjacks, then slips behind him, locks his arms around his waist, and - good lord - release German suplexes him right over the ropes!

The D.O.B is immediately set upon by the roster. Here's Buford, who hits him with a totally street South London headbutt. Ghostface and Juggalo are also in there, and Juggalo is choking the life out of his old boss. Studley and Chad Sexington put aside their differences to deliver a double-team Suplex. Irish Dragon is next, clearly pissed at being excluded from the PPV for no apparent reason. Finally, Loki joins the throng on the outside, and gets his hands on Joey Holmes again, who's pretty much out on his feet.

Somebody in the crowd hands Loki something. What is it? It's a jet-black buttplug! Oh no! Joey is on his knees pleading, not again. But Loki just hammers him over the head with the sex toy, and it bounces off to the floor, where it's picked up and pocketed by Miss DinaSaw. Loki looks to push Joey Holmes back into the ring, but he's held up by.. it's Commisoner Condeets! He's trying to close the match down, shouting something about it going off-topic, but Taffy arrives quickly to restrain him.

Finally, Loki gets the D.O.B back into the ring. Holmes begins crawling across the ring, trailing a bloody wake, and Loki stalks him as the crowd gears up for the inevitable. He grabs his opponent by the hair, and drags his head between his Immortal thighs. He signals to the crowd for his finisher - but someone's getting into the ring behind him. It's Larsson! The crowd are roaring, but the champ is oblivious. Larsson swings Loki round, breaking the hold. He swings his staff at Loki, catching him on the side of the head. Loki staggers, and Larsson moves in for the kill, as Joey Holmes continues crawling to the upturned wheelchair still in one corner of the ring. Larsson has Loki set up for a pile driver - he signals for it- but wait, reversal! Loki wriggles out of the grip, and between Larsson's legs. Larsson turns round... kick to the gut... head between the legs... and Loki heaves the big Swede up for a terrifying Lightning Strike. Bang!! Larsson is out of it.

Meanwhile, Joey has made it to the wheelchair. He detaches something from under its seat, then gets to his feet. Loki is still looking down at Larsson, and the ref is checking the downed Scandinavian. Joey staggers towards Loki, raising an iron bar above his head - and cracks it down over the unified champ's skull. Loki goes down like Michael Jackson at a slumber party. The bloodied D.O.B grabs Loki's arms and hooks them - he's going for the Double-Teeth Underhook suplex. Joey cinches in the false teeth and launches Loki into the air. Wham! Holmes drops to his knees, and covers.

1....



2...


3!!

It's over, it's over, and we have a new eCw champ!

YOUR WINNER VIA PINFALL & NEW eCw UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: JOEY HOLMES!!!!!

Joey Holmesí army of personal security filter into the arena armed with nightsticks and stun guns and surround the battered ring, preventing his enraged roster from getting to him. Holmes makes it to his feet and snatches the eCw Undisputed Title from the referee and grabs a microphone.

ëHa ha ha! Say hello to your new eCw Undisputed Champion ñ The DOB, The Cleft Palate Kid and The Extreme Chairman of the Board, me Joey Holmes. Before I continue, I have a simple message for my opponent this evening, who so graciously rolled over like a sick puppy and got his belly tickledÖ.

YOUíRE FIRED!!!!

Thatís right Loki, if that is your real name, tomorrow morning I will be taking out a court injunction that will prevent you from going within a 25 mile radius of an eCw ring. Youíre days here, like your career, are finished my silly little cartoon friend.í

Joey empties the contents of both bloody nostrils over his stricken opponent and kicks him under the ropes and out of the ring.

ëThat felt good! I love it when a plan comes together ñ everything you saw happen here tonight happened because I wanted it too. Why do you think that fake God was allowed in the arena in the first place? Because I wanted thisÖí

*Pats the belt on his shoulder*

ëThe final piece of the jigsaw is now complete. Instead of living like a dirty retard in a wheelchair for the last six months, Iíve been hiding in a log cabin on a Siberian mountain being trained by Charles Panthro III for this very moment. The moment where I finally took what was rightfully mine. I knew that fool would turn up here, and I knew he would not be able to resist putting MY belt on the line in one more match. And whatís more, I didnít just defeat that pathetic piece of slime to win it. Oh no, I went through my entire roster to win the ultimate prize, proving as Iíve always known, that I am the greatest EVER in this business and a nothing short of a wrestling deity.

Thatís right you can all boo me if it makes you feel better about your pathetic lives. I could not care less. Iíve turned a huge profit tonight by making my workers work without pay this evening and Iím going home with the delectable Miss Corrine on my arm and the eCw Undisputed Title wrapped around these snake hips. And there is nothing any of you can do about it, because at the end of the day you need people like me. You need someone with the courage and the genius to put on a show like you saw tonight. It takes you away from your pointless insipid lives, to watch a man like me take what he wants from life, when he wants. Sure you can boo me now, but a couple of months down the line you will all be queuing up to lick my arse when Iíve vanished into the shadows again.í

*Joey puts on a whiny voice and screws his face up*

ëWhenís there going to be another show Joey? You are the greatest Joey. Nobody does it better than you Joey. You all make me sick to the pit of my stomach you pathetic slaves.í

*Joey spits on the floor in disgust*

Suddenly, Looking For Freedom hits the arena and a heavily bandaged Cynic appears at the top of the ramp with his extended family of Ms Judith Chalmers, Jeeves, Rav The Don 2000 and Yung Fuk.

*Cynic orders Jeeves to bring him a microphone, and asks Rav the Don 2000 to keep a bionic eye on Dame Judith Chalmers. He walks down the ramp and slowly enters the ring, standing face to face with The DOB, as an awed hush falls over the stunned crowd*

"Finally The Cynical One and The Dirty Old Bastard stand opposite each other in the eCw ring. It's too bad it had to come to this, stallion. For years, the tabloid columns have been a-buzz with speculation about who the real star of eCw was. Was it Joey Holmes, the visionary promoter who had the creative acumen and the depraved mind which allowed him to being this twisted freak show to life? Or was it Cynic, the charismatic superstar and the undisputed legend who enthralled one and all with his fantastic adventures, his unrivalled ability, and his superior wit? Holmes, I think both you and I know that it was me that made this promotion a success, and made you he man that you have become.

I remember the first time I met you Holmes. You were nothing but a shady conman masquerading as a promoter and failing to ever achieve any kind of success. You were travelling around the country in a run-down caravan with your merry troupe of midgets, bearded ladies and paedophiles, trying to make a quick buck from every fairground and carnival you visited by parading your band of human oddities. Even your freaks left you after you refused to pay them and abused them mentally and physically. You then tried to make a living by working as an entertainer at children's parties, but the authorities soon exposed that seedy racket and you were left penniless and destitute.

Colour me sympathetic, but I felt pity for you Holmes. I saw a broken man with big ideas but lacking any intellectual savvy. I knew that I would be able to use you to further my own dreams of stardom and success. I looked at your roster of journeymen has-beens and never-weres and I knew that I would easily become the proverbial shining star in the wrestling galaxy.

Naturally I was soon proven right as I became a World Champion and a media darling whose ravishing good looks, universal appeal and propensity for great television made me the hottest thing your rinky-dink promotion had ever seen. Much like Marcus Tandy made Eldorado what it was, I was the Marcus Tandy of your wrestling promotion. The hit television show "Going Live" begged me to come on as a guest multiple times. The national press such as "Smash Hits" and "Look In" knew that when I was on the front cover their sales would increase ten-fold, and who could ever forget that "Hello" had their highest ever selling issue when they ran the "At Home with Cynic and Ms Chalmers" feature.

Holmes, I could tell that you were seething with jealousy when you saw the success and adulation that I was receiving. However, as long as I was getting you publicity and making you money, you were happy to ride my proverbial coat-tails. After I lost to Rav the Don and embarked on a hunting trip to Africa, you panicked. Suddenly your internationally-recognised superstar and income-generator was no longer there, so you pulled one of the most dastardly tricks I have ever seen, even by your standards. You contacted my twin-brother Godfrey, and together with the vile Mr. Motivator and Angela Rippon, you tried to fool the public by making him the new Cynic, but his mental instability and drug addictions meant that he was always destined to fail. After I exposed the sham and once again returned to the wrestling arena, you tried to curry my favour but I was already one step ahead of you Holmes.

Godfrey has now been taken care of and he is history. Which now just leaves you and I Holmes, the inevitable confrontation they thought would never happen. Lest we forget, you now have possession of the title that belongs to me. Needless to say, it will soon be mine again. For a man so proud of himself, perhaps you should have read the fine print of the contract I signed when I agreed to return to eCw. My lawyer, Sir Jeremy Beadle, inserted a clause which you must have failed to spot when you were plying me with sherries and cucumber sandwiches. The contract stipulates that on the next show, you will face a mystery opponent of my choice. Don't worry, it will be a non-title match because I personally want to be the one to take the title from you. However, this will be no easy match. You pride yourself on being the Dirty Old Bastard, but I can stoop to even lower and more depraved depths, as you shall soon find out.

Holmes, your nightmare has just begun. Colour me vengeful.

*Cynic exits the ring and walks back up the ramp, leaving a flustered Joey Holmes ranting and raving in the ring*

ëI OWN YOU CYNIC! I MADE YOU A STAR OLD BOY, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND! ALL THESE FOOLS WHO CHANT YOUR NAME WERE PAID UP MEMBERS OF THE ëWE HATE CYNIC CLUBí BFEORE I MADE YOU MY CHAMPION!

COME BACK HERE!

COME BACK HERE I SAY!



[url=\'http://www.razzbo.com/Exiled/ons_credits_web.wmv\'_blank\]CLICK HERE FOR END CREDITS[/url]

Setting Sun

23rd July 2010 - 05:58 PM

I also remember Harry's massive argument with Oldy about DVDs, that was a fucking great read. But I'm sure I remember Taffy getting involved in the middle of the argument somewhere and Oldy going completely apeshit at him and calling him a Nazi and other such German insults. Marvellous stuff.

Harry

23rd July 2010 - 05:59 PM

Setting Sun

23rd July 2010 - 05:58 PM

I also remember Harry's massive argument with Oldy about DVDs, that was a fucking great read. But I'm sure I remember Taffy getting involved in the middle of the argument somewhere and Oldy going completely apeshit at him and calling him a Nazi and other such German insults. Marvellous stuff.

Oldy was a bit of a cunt, wasn't he?

Any idea what happened to him? Did he give up the forum life after the old place shut down?

Handsome Dead

23rd July 2010 - 07:31 PM

Didn't Butch find him posting on another forum talking about Roddy Piper?