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|Beginning the Adventure!|
|Topic Started: Aug 27 2011, 10:10 AM (51 Views)|
|Kikitchi||Aug 27 2011, 10:10 AM Post #1|
!~!~!BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP~!~!~ I shoot out of my bed take off my Pajama's and threw on my normal clothes.
I walk downstairs to be greeted by my mother and what seems to be a wrapped present.
"Happy Birthday!~" said my mother. She handed me the box.
"Eh?! Mom, you didn't have to get me another present! The bag is fine for me." I said.
"I know, I know. But I figured you'd need these for your journey" She said.
He opened up the box to reveal brand new red shoes, exactly like the one's he had but new!
"This pair is more durable than the one's you have on now" She said as I slipped on my new shoes.
"Thank's so much! I'll be leaving for the lab now!" I say as I run out the door.
"I'm gonna run full speed to the Lab!"
When I reached the Lab I pull open the doors and I greet the Professor
"Hi! Long time no see right Professor?"
(152 words ^^)
Edited by Kikitchi, Aug 27 2011, 10:29 AM.
|Boog||Aug 30 2011, 07:10 PM Post #2|
Sometimes it IS black and white
((Sven gave me permission, yadda yadda yadda, I used to be a moderator before I disappeared, blah blah blah, I'm sorry for anything stupid I say. That's about it.))
Constructive criticism: My only remark is that the narrative mode used here is a third-person, and subjective. That is, you refer to your character by her name, or with singular pronouns such as "she" or "her". Also, posts are best written in a paragraph form, like what you would see in a novel, rather than in a more script-like form. Your spelling and grammar are excellent, though you should try describing more things to lengthen posts and add more detail and imagery to them. The more senses a post appeals to, the easier it is to visualize. It's most common to describe sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste, in more or less that order, and the more of them you have the better off you should be.
I'll edit this post and continue the RP (again with support from Sven as an assistant) after you acknowledge this, and maybe make some changes.
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