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| Tweet Topic Started: Jan 20 2009, 10:15 PM (263 Views) | |
| XNavyGunner | Jan 20 2009, 10:15 PM Post #1 |
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Gunner
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I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational emails over the past year...Because of your warning I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each hour. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program . I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper sinc e the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to , , and . I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. |
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| Isis | Jan 20 2009, 10:41 PM Post #2 |
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The Goddess of Darkness & Desire
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OMG how many of those email's have i gotten over the year's....
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![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Isis, The Goddess of Desire & Darkness. In The Darkness, We Find The Light. This is a Drama Free Zone..! | |
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| Mystical | Jan 21 2009, 07:03 AM Post #3 |
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Too many to count Isis that is why my delete key is worn out!Love it XNavy as usual your humor makes me go into uncontrollable laughter!
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| Bone Shard | Jan 21 2009, 12:50 PM Post #4 |
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BoneCollecter
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If I believed all that stuff I would be dead by now.
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![]() IF YOU FIND A WANDERING BRAIN IT'S MINE SO PLEASE RETURN IT IN ONE PIECE!
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| StrmySummer | Jan 21 2009, 02:30 PM Post #5 |
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Storm Goddess
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you'd be amazed at the things some people won't do because of this germ or that.....there are some things i won't.....but geez....the way i look at it.....you're gonna get germs no matter what you do, you can't live in a bubble (my sister-in-law won't go to a public restroom if she can help it.....i'm like screw that, if i gotta go, i gotta go) lolol |
![]() "Beginning now, let's play more, kiss more, love more, let's be so close that when one of us cries, the other tastes salt." | |
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6:55 AM Jul 11