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City Hall Stops Zombie Invasion
Topic Started: Apr 1 2009, 09:29 PM (86 Views)
XNavyGunner
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They drag their feet. They moan and groan. They rip away our very humanity. These monsters terrorize us on the streets of Chattanooga every day, making us afraid to leave the safety of our homes. What could possibly instill this level of fear and suffering?

City Hall.

The denizens of City Hall have chosen to condemn Chattanooga’s less fortunate to starvation, banning an effort to collect food for the Chattanooga Area Food Bank, and showing their true faces as anti-undead-ists. Some are comparing Mayor Ron Littlefield to Marie Antoinette, claiming his administration’s shortsighted decision will doom dozens to starvation this spring. In a time of great economic turmoil, demand for food from the Food Bank has risen 12 percent, while donations have fallen 1 million pounds behind.

“I’m afraid that without proper nutrition, our most needy of citizens will easily fall prey to the zombie horde,” says Undead-Rights Activist Leslie Gladney, “It was for this reason I proposed an event extending an olive branch to the zombie community, while rallying support and awareness for the fight against hunger in our city.”

Like corrupt Chicago politicians, more interested in short-term political consequences than positive long-term cultural change, City Hall threatened Gladney if she went through with her noble plan.

Gladney’s idea was to coordinate a gathering of zombies, originating in Coolidge Park, then looping across the Walnut Street and Market Street bridges, before concluding back in Coolidge Park. The zombies would have been closely monitored by authoritative necromancers with complete control over the creatures’ conduct. A strict set of guidelines was to be enforced, designed specifically to protect the safety of Chattanooga’s living citizens, and restrict the parade to the sidewalks.

Officially, City Hall has no comment, but an unidentified source states that, “The city of Chattanooga will not tolerate zombies. What if one of those bloodthirsty monsters tries to eat a child? What if one of our venerable elderly citizens witnesses one of those horrible creatures walking across the Walnut Street Bridge and has a heart attack? We can’t let those freaks roam about in public freely; they need to continue to live in the shadows.”

When asked if he thought that this level of intimidation by city government might be infringing on civil rights, the source continued, “Rights? Zombies don’t have rights. A person’s rights end when their heart stops beating. The only respect we should show the dead is when we’re putting them into the ground.”

Gladney says she now fears for her life. “I feel like one of those college students protesting at Kent State against the Vietnam War. I’m afraid I’ll get a bullet in my back for holding beliefs of which the city government doesn’t approve.” Gladney is considering her legal options, and has contacted the ACLU about a possible suit against the city. “This is Chattanooga, not Guantanamo,” points out Gladney, “The city had approved the event until they discovered who would be attending. That’s discrimination on its face.”

This is yet another stumble for zombie rights, following the fatal shooting of Undead-American Rights Activist Tony Levi in Cleveland last Fall. For now, Chattanooga appears unwilling to open their hearts to their undead brethren. Zombies will continue to be forced to dine in Zombie-Only restaurants, ride in the back of busses in Zombie cages, and live in the relocation-camp-style “quarantine zones” in Germantown.

It is unknown at this time if the Chattanooga Police Department has been issued “shoot on sight” orders for zombies in Coolidge Park, but reports show that our officers have recently changed their target practice regimen away from center-mass to head-shot only. Zombies are encouraged to avoid Coolidge Park on Saturday, April 4, at all costs. Instead, zombies and zombie supporters may email chattanoogazombies@gmail.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it to contribute food and learn more about the plight of Zombie-Americans in Chattanooga.

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