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Human Forest; in my opinion my very best poem =)
Topic Started: Apr 24 2006, 05:42 AM (89 Views)
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
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This is an idea I had in my mind a very long time ago. wrote it in the airport since I was bored XD. But never could put the idea into words until now. I finally did though in a good way. Hopefully you will get it. And I clearly think this is my very best. *Looks at Big D.

Human Forest

I could not see through
The Forest, like some
Mist that covered everything
in its expansiveness. Then
Out of nowhere a branch,
Fell on top of me fast like
Lightning falling on top
Of me, cracking my bones,
And there I lay there,
On the floor in the
Middle of Nowhere, to
Become part of the forest,
Floor disappearing along with
Me, with my bones in the
Middle of Nowhere. The
Forest ever disappearing,
And I was nowhere the
Forest ever disappearing.
I was nowhere to be found
For several thousand years
More.

Several years later they
Were there to get me.
Right there were thoughts
In the ground beneath men
That had come to get find me,
And then they all disappeared
And so were my thoughts gone.
And several more deep down
Underground and no men
Returned.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Deirdre_the_Sorrowful
Member Avatar
Summoner
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preliminary stuff: you don't need a comma after branch and in the middle of stanza 2 pick either get or find for that one line. also at the mid-end of stanza 1, wouldn't it be better to say "and i was nowhere <b>in</b> the forest ever disappearing" ?

as far as the poem as a whole, i agree that it is redundant in parts, and i often don't understand the choice to be so. "and there i lay there" is obnoxious; the "fall on top" stuff slightly less so

i like the end and the past about bones. maybe it just anything about people dissolving into the ground, i don't know, but i like those parts.

i apologize if this is too critical. i for one appreciate negative criticism but if you prefer a more positive feedback style let me know. normally i'd give more explanation/reasoning but it's late so i wanted to be brief
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The road to glory is unnecessary for those with wings.
 
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