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| Egyptian Orchards; depression dies | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: May 7 2006, 09:31 AM (179 Views) | |
| Holocollector | May 7 2006, 09:31 AM Post #1 |
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Christmas is Coming
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Egyptian Orchards Owl eyes stare, Eyes that glow. Reddish, scorching, roasting, Like embers in a bonfire. I remember them so well. They were to me Crimson red, devilish, burgundy. And inside this evilness alive unclothed, It burned inside me like red ink. I tried to count the leaves that kept Falling but the field was so unalive unspoken. Frozen but awake there I was. It was silence on an orchard road. Cant you see I am sad depressed? But look At me now, shaking. Wintry as if death had Reached me in the months. Blue sky ahead. Trees dieing outside. I want to live again. And like a pharoah With his golden rod shinning Be reborn amidst The cold darkness in a tomb. And when the sun as if gilded Of gold of treasures, finally came like An event unknown. I came alive. I came back from the night, I was Like a Phoenix reborn. Envoy of Death unknown. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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| Deirdre_the_Sorrowful | May 24 2006, 09:57 AM Post #2 |
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Summoner
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i feel as if this is one of your best poems. The title is intriguing, the passage of time is represented in an interesting but clear way, and the beginning and end of hte poem are strong. Even better, the beginnings and endings of each individual stanza are strong, making the transition from one stanza to the other easy and rendering the whole poem captivating. The length is good - concise without being too vague or confusing. I especially like the second half of the second stanza
a couple of questions/comments about grammar: mid-first stanza: do you mean unclothe (v) or unclothed (adj)? b/c if it really is supposed to be the verb then i don't understand the phrase a little later: saying the leaves "kept" falling instead of "keep" would keep the phrase all in the same tense, which makes it much clearer mid-second stanza: the correct verb form of die is dying. it's just one of those weird English things; in all other forms of that verb the "ie" part remains to keep it from getting confused with "dye." a little later: the correct verb form of shine is shining end of 3rd stanza:
I like the imagery but it is redundant and therefore weakens the phrase to use the word "like" twice in this way. you can either fix this by saying "I came back from the night like I was / a Phoenix reborn" or "I came back from the night and I was / Like a Phoenix reborn" also very much a fan of the phrase "envoy of death unknown" Overall, Good Job on this one! |
![]() The road to glory is unnecessary for those with wings. | |
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| Holocollector | May 26 2006, 09:07 PM Post #3 |
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Christmas is Coming
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Thanks Dreirde. Appreciate the time spent. The other place I posted it liked it where they are hardcore. Someone said it was depressing and creepy. I also tend to disagree with them sometimes. As you know you are pretty good at this stuff. For some weird reason it is way way easier to write poems now. I do write them though when I am bored, or something might have happened. As you know appreciate it all the same. Will make the corrections later. My style evolved too. Thanks to the talent there. I still want to make non-traditional poems. *Gets back on Sunday night. No justice!!!!!! =( |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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| Holocollector | Jun 1 2006, 12:08 PM Post #4 |
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Christmas is Coming
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Ok poem has been edited with Deirdre's help. It is a poem that uses Egypt to help to erase depression. When you think of it death is depression. So is a pharoah's treasure ect, suppose to celebrate going to paradise. Kind of like a envoy of death. Egpyt is famous because of all the symbols of death they have. Seemed like a good fit. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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12:55 AM Jul 11