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Egyptian Orchards; depression dies
Topic Started: May 7 2006, 09:31 AM (179 Views)
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Egyptian Orchards

Owl eyes stare,
Eyes that glow.
Reddish, scorching, roasting,
Like embers in a bonfire.
I remember them so well.
They were to me
Crimson red, devilish, burgundy.
And inside this evilness alive unclothed,
It burned inside me like red ink.
I tried to count the leaves that kept
Falling but the field was so unalive unspoken.
Frozen but awake there I was.
It was silence on an orchard road.
Can’t you see I am sad depressed?

But look
At me now, shaking.
Wintry as if death had
Reached me in the months.
Blue sky ahead.
Trees dieing outside.
I want to live again.
And like a pharoah
With his golden rod shinning
Be reborn amidst
The cold darkness in a tomb.

And when the sun as if gilded
Of gold of treasures, finally came like
An event unknown. I came alive.
I came back from the night, I was
Like a Phoenix reborn. Envoy of
Death unknown.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Deirdre_the_Sorrowful
Member Avatar
Summoner
[ *  *  * ]
i feel as if this is one of your best poems. The title is intriguing, the passage of time is represented in an interesting but clear way, and the beginning and end of hte poem are strong. Even better, the beginnings and endings of each individual stanza are strong, making the transition from one stanza to the other easy and rendering the whole poem captivating. The length is good - concise without being too vague or confusing.

I especially like the second half of the second stanza
Quote:
 
I want to live again.
And like a pharoah
With his golden rod shinning
Be reborn amidst
The cold darkness in a tomb.



a couple of questions/comments about grammar:

mid-first stanza: do you mean unclothe (v) or unclothed (adj)? b/c if it really is supposed to be the verb then i don't understand the phrase

a little later: saying the leaves "kept" falling instead of "keep" would keep the phrase all in the same tense, which makes it much clearer

mid-second stanza: the correct verb form of die is dying. it's just one of those weird English things; in all other forms of that verb the "ie" part remains to keep it from getting confused with "dye."

a little later: the correct verb form of shine is shining

end of 3rd stanza:
Quote:
 
I came back from the night like I was
Like a Phoenix reborn.

I like the imagery but it is redundant and therefore weakens the phrase to use the word "like" twice in this way. you can either fix this by saying "I came back from the night like I was / a Phoenix reborn" or "I came back from the night and I was / Like a Phoenix reborn"


also very much a fan of the phrase "envoy of death unknown"


Overall, Good Job on this one!

Posted Image



The road to glory is unnecessary for those with wings.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Thanks Dreirde. Appreciate the time spent.

The other place I posted it liked it where they are hardcore. Someone said it was depressing and creepy.

:lmao:

I also tend to disagree with them sometimes. As you know you are pretty good at this stuff.

For some weird reason it is way way easier to write poems now. I do write them though when I am bored, or something might have happened.

As you know appreciate it all the same. Will make the corrections later. My style evolved too. Thanks to the talent there. I still want to make non-traditional poems.

*Gets back on Sunday night. No justice!!!!!! =(
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Ok poem has been edited with Deirdre's help.

It is a poem that uses Egypt to help to erase depression. When you think of it death is depression. So is a pharoah's treasure ect, suppose to celebrate going to paradise. Kind of like a envoy of death.

Egpyt is famous because of all the symbols of death they have. Seemed like a good fit.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
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