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Alpha; experiment with sestina form
Topic Started: Nov 8 2006, 02:31 PM (159 Views)
Deirdre_the_Sorrowful
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Summoner
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so using the same words over and over again gets kind of cheesy, i've found. oh well.


Alpha

At the beginning of time
When the stars had not yet settled
I gave my heart’s fire
Creation’s first song;
Between us it poured
Above the grass sweet as honey.

The new sun’s light settled
On the field like bright fire
The wheat – golden honey –
Shivered as I poured
My soul’s only song
To the Goddess of Time.

Around us the song
Soft and warm poured
Thick as fresh honey
On our tongues it settled
While the infant, Time,
Smiled at the field full of fire.

There were no words that first time
Just earth and life and fire
And wind brushing the strands of honey
Around our ankles they poured
As reality settled
Infused with my song.

Then trees appeared, crystallizing like honey;
Around the field they poured
From the sky, called forth by the song
Telling them, “Now is the time!”
And above us the stars slowly settled,
Glowing with distant fire.

And all Creation poured
From my golden love song
And the Goddess of Time
Danced in the fire,
In the field of honey
Where my heart had settled.

‘Tis time, my honey –
Now that my fire has settled –
To pour forth your own sweet song.
Posted Image



The road to glory is unnecessary for those with wings.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
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Deirdre: While imo it has good flow. I see some problems with the meaning in the last two stanzas. Now since I've spent some time writting them. I am fairly ceratin meaning is extremely important no matter the genre. If not it just comes out as rhyme, and you can't decipher the messages. (I'm having trouble with the fire parts)

I can see the goddess of time linked with the trees, since trees grow. And the image of honey I see is that it represents fire. Alpha means the beginning of time, which has to do with the goddess of time and is one of themes I can see. You also use honey to as a metaphor throughout the poem.

I actually like the repitition for some reason. I can't explain it. I like the images well enough, just having trouble with the meaning in these last two stanzas.

And all Creation poured
From my golden love song
And the Goddess of Time
Danced in the fire,
In the field of honey
Where my heart had settled.
(IMO I am having trouble with how you are using honey here)

‘Tis time, my honey –
Now that my fire has settled –
To pour forth your own sweet song.
(now while the first line is a cool addition, having trouble with the fire has settled, are you saying time starts over again? In any case just a nitpick, after looking it over this is what I understand, then of course its time to start the song over.)

Overall I liked it's fun quality. Sometimes the poem (can't find a better word) is capricious, and fun in this sense. Definetly has a very myth-like quality to it with the song element.
Note: My english writing skills need work so don´t even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I don´t like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
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