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Britches
Topic Started: Mar 1 2007, 09:09 PM (219 Views)
Slappy
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This is a short story that I wrote for a Sociology Project on Animal Rights. It's not written in a typical short story fashion and it is based on a true story. Some liberties were taken because I didn't actually participate in the true events of course. So just give your opinion on it, it's a short and easy read I think. Enjoy.

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The room was badly lit as the men wearing white entered slowly. I laid on the table, my limbs seemed heavy. I couldn't move my head around too well, I could only see the men in white, and to my other side was just a wall. I tried to move my arms, tried to gain some freedom. This only resulted in a deep rumble coming from one of the men. They spoke some words, but I didn't understand. I tried to move again, my tail twitched about a bit, but it was sluggish and almost painful. My vision was a little blurry.

***

As they entered the room, wearing their white lab suits, the two researchers smiled, watching the infant stump-tail Macaque try to fight the sedation he'd been given. Both researchers worked for the University of California, their names were John and Fred. As Fred let out a laugh when the macaque managed to move his arm enough for it to be stopped by the metal restraints, he said, "Poor little monkey wants to go home. Sorry, this is your home now pal. John grinned as he began gathering the materials and tools they'd need. He pulled a drawer open which let out a wretched grinding noise. From the drawer he pulled out a fresh needle and some thick thread along with a towel. Fred pulled a metal side-table over next to the restrained monkey and John placed the tools upon it. Fred then pulled down an overhead contraption as John began to thread the needle. Fred flicked a switch and the monkey twitched back as a bright light beamed down at him, breaking the darkness.

***

I groaned and shut my eyes tightly, recoiling from the blinding light. Now all I could see was red, and my arms still wouldn't move. The red dimmed to orange, and slowly I was able to crack my eyes open. The first thing I saw was a face, the large eyes looking me over. Then some fingers began feeling my face, I couldn't move my head enough to escape them. The fingers poked at my eyes and I shut them tightly. They were only shut for a second before the fingers peeled my eyelids open and tried to hold them while I tried to blink them. The fingers won. Next I heard some more sounds from the men, but I couldn't see either of them. Pain filled my eyes and warm drops of liquid streaked down my face. I tried to cry, or scream, or call for my mom, but my throat was numb. My other eye was blinking rapidly as the pain seared through the eye that the fingers were probing. More pain and more liquid ran through the lower eyelid, and then the top again. It went on like this for a while until they moved to the other eye. I tried my hardest to blink the first eye but it wouldn't budge. When they finally finished, everything was dark.

***

The procedure went smoothly in John and Fred's opinions. The monkey had squealed a bit at first, but it didn't seem to hurt him afterwards. Fred had simply pried the eyelids open and managed to hold them, while John sewed in and out, pulling tightly and then tying the thread off. It only took them about fifteen to thirty minutes to finish both eyes. Just before they'd started Fred said to the monkey, "See me in three years." He always thought he was funny. When they'd finished, John wiped the monkey's face of with the towel, getting most of the blood that hadn't dried, and then put everything back where he'd gotten it. The two of them left silently and made sure to let the nurse know they were finished so she could send someone in to attend to the infant macaque.

***

Its been dark for a long time now. I can't see mommy, but I can feel her. She won't move though. She isn't feeding me either. I wonder if something is wrong with her. It's very dark. I wish I could see mommy, but at least I can hug her. They took me away from her again. I don't know where, I just heard voices in the dark. It's always dark. When I was hearing the voices of men I also heard tearing sounds before my head got heavy. Then I felt sticky material on my face. My head is so heavy now, its starting to hurt my neck, so I rest my head against mommy. I try not to leave her, even though she won't move. Ah! It's that sound again! Help me mommy! I keep hearing it, it screams at me. Ever since my head got heavy it screams at me. Why won't it stop?

***

Over the last two weeks, researchers have studied the subject carefully. They monitored his behavior after the stitches were applied, and then not a week later they had assistants remove him from the cage he shares with his surrogate mother to have another experiment applied. This new experiment comes in the form of a machine that the men taped to the subject's head. Every thirty minutes this machine would emit a shrill screech in order to gauge the monkey's reaction when he can only hear the intrusion, not see it. The subject would often jump, not seeming to expect the sound, even after several days, and then cling to the towel covered "mother." Most employees would get a kick out of this. The subject has not been cleaned in some time and is fed occasionally; more than some of the other subjects anyway.

***

I'm losing so much strength. I'm very hungry. I feel sick and cry all night long. Or is it day? I haven't known in such a long time. Mommy still hasn't moved. My head and neck hurt and that thing won't stop screaming at me. I want to sleep but then it screams again. I'm tired.

***

The subject named "Britches," by the team of AFL members who raided the University of California, has been handed over to veterinarians for a check up. He is alive, but hardly. He wasn't the worst subject saved from the facility out of the near seven hundred of them, but he was pretty bad. He appears to be approximately 5 weeks of age and was separated from his mother at birth. When AFL member found him, he was alone in a cage hugging a device covered in towels with two fake nipples that was supposed to be his new mother. Upon his head a device was taped securely and it seemed to be programmed to release a high-pitched screech every few minutes. The tape had peeled off of his face in some places and those areas were inflamed and infected. Beneath the tape were two patches covering both eyes which were filthy and soaked with moisture. Britches' eyes were both found to be sewn shut with large sutures, and some parts of the eyelids had torn. Due to the thickness of the sutures, the corneas of both Britches eyes were severely torn. Also, the penis of the subject was severely inflamed, his muscle development extremely poor, and his odor was horrendous upon arrival.

***

I can move my eyelids now. It's still very dark, but I can move them. It hurts though. Everything hurts. I hear voices, but they aren't as cruel to me. I can't find mommy anywhere. I hope it stops being so dark soon. I hope I can find mommy.

***

When Britches reaches a reasonable age we at AFL hope to send him to live with an elderly macaque female that has already raised several orphan macaque. We feel he will be happier there.
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Xantar: And for your information, I didn't call on any minions. They got into this on their own, and they seem to be having a blast.

Marci: Screw you too, I'm not your minion.

Xantar: Also, Makokam is not my minion. Just thought I'd point that out.

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Holocollector
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My one real suggestion: suggest the info on when the experiment was done at the beginning. That is your biggest plot element (the metallic monkey)should be reincluded in the beginning and or a little after. The rest are only some narration problems which not everyone will stand (they may like or not).

Was the ending good yes you followed your own path even you could have done some more things. The beginning somewhat. In between some rough edges due to maybe lack of material. But I definitely got the animal right’s pitch at the end if that is what you wanted us to notice.

Commentary: While I enjoyed hearing the monkeys suffering since I felt empathy I felt you could have done a bit more than that with the monkeys. I actually know of that experiment at the end. Supposedly monkeys that have a metallic parent as opposed to real act strange and I think they don’t get to reproduce. It’s the inhumane aspects. And gives an animal rights perspective as it is presented.

It’s not badly written but I enjoyed it even though you could have done it better (but my way is different). We get the investigator and the monkeys’ perspective. That was a done deal. And the enchantment like the ending was a nice touch. But the narration needed more ideas like the ones I will mention that are obvious (thus I can recommend) since you keep on going pain wise and some repetition. But I am emphasizing that I enjoyed it. It was a very hard piece to get to work from the get go. I know I would have the same trouble.

The most obvious part you neglected could have been them interpreting who the investigators were. And that you went on and on about what they did. I could have failed to catch it.
Example: huge white creatures with no real purpose took a hold of us, and we did not understand why. This was the regular situation out of the norm. We had no play time just felt constrained. And now they examined us, they light blinded us. My head was heavy I felt uncomfortable.

A recap about the monkeys’ past contrasting would have been nice. This was tricky to do but some more suggestions for you. That it was nice and peaceful and that they were surrounded by walls but had felt no pain or contact,

Example: It use to be just a warm experience. We were kept in our cages days ago. When suddenly they took us away from our parents. And that we could attest that something was not right.
Note: My english writing skills need work so don´t even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I don´t like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Slappy
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Thanks for the commentary Holo, and as I said this is a short story to be presented in class, I wasn't writing a novel so it's short on purpose.

The "mother" isn't a metallic monkey, it's just a post covered in a towel or two with two fake nipples.

The monkey's view became less and less as time went on because he became more traumatized. He didn't have much to say after his eyes had been sewn shut for three weeks.

Also, I couldn't go on about his past, he was one week old when they sewed his eyes shut and five weeks old when he was rescued. He was separated from his mother at birth and kept in a cage.

Also, interpreting who the investigators were? I think you meant the researchers in white, John and Fred. Britches was used to seeing these men in white. I mean I'm not a monkey so I don't know if monkeys really know that we are humans, or what they call us. However, my monkey knew they were humans.

And you keep saying "us" and I don't know what you're referring to. Britches was alone from birth, never meeting another monkey or animal. There were 700 other subjects, but they did not tend to come in contact with each other. The researchers there developed what they called "The pit of despair." Britches wasn't kept in this contraption but he was kept in solitude. Many animals were put int he Pit for months of solitude and no light. Others were kept in the same room, but not in the same cage.

And if you didn't read at the beginning, this is based on a true story. I didn't really come up with my own ending. Yes I took some liberties because I don't know the names of the researchers, nor do I know the thoughts of the monkeys. I just chose this style to tell Britches' story.

Let me know if you have any other questions.
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Xantar: And for your information, I didn't call on any minions. They got into this on their own, and they seem to be having a blast.

Marci: Screw you too, I'm not your minion.

Xantar: Also, Makokam is not my minion. Just thought I'd point that out.

Posted Image
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Ahh got ya, I didnt read well enough. I misuderstood who britches was. There is actually a experiment with a metal monkey, and that afterwards the young monkeys never reproduced. Due to the other monkey not being real. It could have been made clearer to me. I thought britches was the metal monkey. As for my other comments they stay the same. By "us" you can use anything. These are just recommendations. I am not too sure by your use of my use of us. They are just examples for you. I felt that as you narrated you lacked some ideas since there was some repitition of pain implied. That's why this piece is hard to to wrote imho.
Note: My english writing skills need work so don´t even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I don´t like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Slappy
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Okay, you're a monkey. Your eyes have been sewn shut and a contraption that emits a piercing screech has been taped to your head. You're then put in a cage for nearly three weeks with very little food, no light, no exercise, no companionship. No matter human or monkey, you'd start getting a little schitzy. As a writer I had the monkey repeating in his head that he was hungry a lot, that it was dark a lot, that he was in pain a lot. These are really the only things he knows now. He can't start thinking about what it's like to play an frolick, he's never experienced this. All he knows now really is pain, hunger, and loneliness.

If you'd like to know more about the real Britches go to Wikipedia, type in his name and click on the one about a monkey, not the pants.
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Xantar: And for your information, I didn't call on any minions. They got into this on their own, and they seem to be having a blast.

Marci: Screw you too, I'm not your minion.

Xantar: Also, Makokam is not my minion. Just thought I'd point that out.

Posted Image
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Yes I misuderstood.But my recommendations remain the same, I only misudesrtood that part. Though I do read fast, I tried reading it twice. And unless some one can back me up on this. Then I think that your on the wrong side.These is just a critique slappy. You wanted feedback I gave it to you.
Note: My english writing skills need work so don´t even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I don´t like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Slappy
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I'm not mad at your feedback, I appreciate it, I just think you don't understand what I was going for. Of course I don't understand half your posts, so maybe you do understand and I just don't understand your posts.
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Xantar: And for your information, I didn't call on any minions. They got into this on their own, and they seem to be having a blast.

Marci: Screw you too, I'm not your minion.

Xantar: Also, Makokam is not my minion. Just thought I'd point that out.

Posted Image
 
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