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| Workshop 200; You can learn something here | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 28 2008, 04:22 PM (128 Views) | |
| Holocollector | Mar 28 2008, 04:22 PM Post #1 |
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Christmas is Coming
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Look familiar, remember this poem? I changed it several times, until I stopped 6 years later. I will show you the drafts so you can see the classic mistakes I made. Here is the final version: Trees and More Trees There are so many green Places of earthly reminiscence. Where inside live green-colored Trees in small planets. Thin and extremely high They were, like a mesh of wires. Carven traceries living inside deep red gorges, They lived in the burning red world. On the hillock and into the valley, a Yellow temple under the lovely music Of the sun. Around them in the infernal Outcast world, there smelled skin, a sick smell of a Cocoon. The youthful good green pinions burned like a golden fiery Honey mawkish wall in the shade of saplings. There Here and there, lived untarnished new born lasses, The horns having played, they were covered from the demonic sun. Like squinting eyes, looking in wafting stone troughs, The heat charred of the badlands. Heat soaring, Their new born message enigmas where in the charred lands there cooled gold color ashes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notice how youthful good green pinions is related to new born message. I did that on purpose, also notice how it is very light on rhyme and even emotion. You need to keep a balance in poetry. Whether it be images, sounds, rhyme. This one is without he comments look below then to see the comments and learn the mitsakes.
Now the very horrible draft version one of the many I had made this one has comments on the side (this is the same one but with comments):
(deleterious is too long a word, too difficult to use, I want easier vocabulary. Also notice that this stanza has no heart. In the other poem I had youthful good green pinions. Also in the other poem notice how it is all condensed, you need that to connect the key ideas you want the reader to keep when going to the next line. Example in the other poem I when I talk about good green pinions, I want to keep it short so that they can get the message the new born message since they both connect and are related. That is a key concept in compression. One of the hardest areas of poems to master. Now look at the final copy to see what I did.) See what I did. The changes saved the poem. It was lacking many things poems need. Hopefully you learned something from the mistakes. I will post the next workshop later on. Until then learn this and you won't fail. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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| Holocollector | Mar 29 2008, 10:23 AM Post #2 |
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Christmas is Coming
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It would be a shame if someone lost this help. I wont be writting this again in the future. Only you can decide what to do. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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| Holocollector | Mar 31 2008, 06:41 AM Post #3 |
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Christmas is Coming
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Point sixteen. Meaning again, when all the ideas in a paragraph reflect one another they provide back support the stanza and the whole poem just like in an essay it does. So if there are too few lines with the same subject or the subject is slightly different then this can be enough to cloud and confuse the meaning. This leads to a difference in ideas that makes the poem less clear and more sluggish. The less meaning a poem has the more sluggish it will be, in terms of images, sound, ideas, and everything else. Final version below, this poem did not end. It was very hard to make it work. Now I took out mawkish since it was bad rhyme and put woven which builds on coocoon therefore giving more compression since the lines now have more meaning plus cleraer ideas. Fixed the rhyme when it "before it said "a sicki smell of a coccon". That was too strong. Anyways it takes days to see the problems. Next workshop hopefully soon. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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| Holocollector | Apr 11 2008, 03:14 PM Post #4 |
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Christmas is Coming
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This is the definition of bad poetry, disregard this. Broken metaphors. In other words too abstract a subject (and the way it was handled) and the metaphors don't make enough sense to merit pointing out what I mean since it is too hard. Which is why I had worked on it for years. I had to quit then. I will post some other stuff. But at least I recycled some of the ideas, so all is not lost forever. |
| Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture. | |
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12:32 AM Jul 11