Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to The Rpg Spot. We hope you enjoy your visit.


You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.


Join our community!


If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Username:   Password:
Workshop 200; You can learn something here
Topic Started: Mar 28 2008, 04:22 PM (128 Views)
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Look familiar, remember this poem? I changed it several times, until I stopped 6 years later. I will show you the drafts so you can see the classic mistakes I made. Here is the final version:

Trees and More Trees

There are so many green
Places of earthly reminiscence.
Where inside live green-colored
Trees in small planets.

Thin and extremely high
They were, like a mesh of wires.
Carven traceries living inside deep red gorges,
They lived in the burning red world.

On the hillock and into the valley, a
Yellow temple under the lovely music
Of the sun. Around them in the infernal
Outcast world, there smelled skin, a sick smell of a
Cocoon.

The youthful good green pinions burned like a golden fiery
Honey mawkish wall in the shade of saplings. There
Here and there, lived untarnished new born lasses,
The horns having played, they were covered from the demonic sun.
Like squinting eyes, looking in wafting stone troughs,
The heat charred of the badlands. Heat soaring,
Their new born message enigmas where in
the charred lands there cooled gold color ashes.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
















Notice how youthful good green pinions is related to new born message. I did that on purpose, also notice how it is very light on rhyme and even emotion. You need to keep a balance in poetry. Whether it be images, sounds, rhyme.

This one is without he comments look below then to see the comments and learn the mitsakes.

Quote:
 
Trees and More Trees

There are so many green
Places of earthly reminiscence.
Where inside live green-colored trees.

Thin and extremely high
They were, like a mesh of wires.
Carven traceries living inside deep red gorges,
They lived in the burning red world.

On the hillock and into the valley, a
Careening temple under the lovely cacophony
Of the sun. Around them in the infernal
Outcast world, there smelled burned skin, a sick smell of a
Cocoon.

The giant green pinions burned like a golden sap fiery
Honey mawkish wall, the protective shade of the lidless
Wall brown was grim-worn, with untarnished new born lasses
Playing safely the symphony of blaring red horns
Under cover from the deleterious sun. Like squinting eyes looking
In wafting stone troughs in forlorn meadows,
They with the song gone vanished too now.
The message now was silence. The enigma left was cold, &
For what was left there, were only golden ashes cooling.



Now the very horrible draft version one of the many I had made this one has comments on the side (this is the same one but with comments):

Quote:
 
Trees and More Trees

There are so many green
Places of earthly reminiscence.
Where inside live green-colored trees.

(this is ok)

Thin and extremely high
They were, like a mesh of wires.
Carven traceries living inside deep red gorges,
They lived in the burning red world.
(this is ok)

On the hillock and into the valley, a
Careening temple under the lovely cacophony
Of the sun. Around them in the infernal
Outcast world, there smelled burned skin, a sick smell of a
Cocoon.
(here is where the poem suffers, lovely cacophony of the sun is too strong a rhyme (it distracts too much, and the reader feels that this is too odd a line). I need lighter rhyme here, and also notice how there are too many words together. Also imagery very important in poems where there should it belong in most stanzas here is not positive. What I created was a disturbing imagery. Imagery should be easy to think of and not sad and should be sharp and easy to picture. That was the classic mistake I made.)

The giant green pinions burned like a golden sap fiery
Honey mawkish wall, the protective shade of the lidless
Wall brown was grim-worn, with untarnished new born lasses
Playing safely the symphony of blaring red horns
Under cover from the deleterious sun. Like squinting eyes looking
In wafting stone troughs in forlorn meadows,
They with the song gone vanished too now.
The message now was silence. The enigma left was cold, &
For what was left there, were only golden ashes cooling.


(deleterious is too long a word, too difficult to use, I want easier vocabulary. Also notice that this stanza has no heart. In the other poem I had youthful good green pinions. Also in the other poem notice how it is all condensed, you need that to connect the key ideas you want the reader to keep when going to the next line. Example in the other poem I when I talk about good green pinions, I want to keep it short so that they can get the message the new born message since they both connect and are related. That is a key concept in compression. One of the hardest areas of poems to master. Now look at the final copy to see what I did.)


See what I did. The changes saved the poem. It was lacking many things poems need. Hopefully you learned something from the mistakes. I will post the next workshop later on. Until then learn this and you won't fail.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
It would be a shame if someone lost this help. I wont be writting this again in the future. Only you can decide what to do.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Point sixteen. Meaning again, when all the ideas in a paragraph reflect one another they provide back support the stanza and the whole poem just like in an essay it does. So if there are too few lines with the same subject or the subject is slightly different then this can be enough to cloud and confuse the meaning. This leads to a difference in ideas that makes the poem less clear and more sluggish. The less meaning a poem has the more sluggish it will be, in terms of images, sound, ideas, and everything else.

Final version below, this poem did not end. It was very hard to make it work. Now I took out mawkish since it was bad rhyme and put woven which builds on coocoon therefore giving more compression since the lines now have more meaning plus cleraer ideas. Fixed the rhyme when it "before it said "a sicki smell of a coccon". That was too strong. Anyways it takes days to see the problems. Next workshop hopefully soon.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
Holocollector
Christmas is Coming
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
This is the definition of bad poetry, disregard this. Broken metaphors. In other words too abstract a subject (and the way it was handled) and the metaphors don't make enough sense to merit pointing out what I mean since it is too hard. Which is why I had worked on it for years. I had to quit then. I will post some other stuff. But at least I recycled some of the ideas, so all is not lost forever.
Note: My english writing skills need work so donīt even think of asking me to change it entirely or relearn my english (the impossible). I donīt like the signature, I willl eventually add a picture.
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
« Previous Topic · Creative Writing · Next Topic »

edge created by tiptopolive of IDS