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Unlicensed Games; Remember these atrocities?
Topic Started: Nov 13 2008, 07:32 PM (225 Views)
Crazy the Clown
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Mooninites
Some people went over Nintendo's head to come up with some of the most garbage games ever created. Believe me, I wish I was kidding. I've even had the misfortune to play a bunch of these games. My friends and I would play them, laughing at how ill-conceived they were. And some I didn't even get to play until just recently. Look all you want, but you'll never see Nintendo's Seal of Quality on any of these titles for a reason. And that's because they suck.

A few I've played were....

Bubble Bath Babes-A friend of mine managed to sneak this porn game from his dad one day when he was at work. He told me to be careful while playing it, because it cost his dad about $300. After about 5 minutes of gameplay, I had enough, turned to my friend, and said, "Your dad got hosed in that deal. He should stick with VHS and Club magazine if he wants good jack-off material."

Pyramid-A game company, known as, "Sachen," made this mess of a game. It plays a lot like Tetris, but all of the blocks have triangular shapes which makes getting more than one line at a time next to impossible. And the one song that plays over and over and over made me glad that the MUTE button came first.

Action 52-Being big into compilations, I thought I'd give this 52-game comp a whirl, so I borrowed it from a friend. What a damned fool I was. Many of the games either crashed or were so badly programmed, I wished they would. This unlicensed mess offered not even one decent game, and I was pissed. I suggested we host an Action 52 baseball bat party. He liked the idea, and we each swung a bat at it three times. That was the most fun the neighborhood kids had with that piece of ass-fudge.

Spiritual Warfare-Toward the end of the NES' good run, this little company, called, "Wisdom Tree," decided to make poor games, trying to spread the word about God. After playing this ill-conceived Zelda clone, I was asking myself if there was a God. I got my answer when a thief stole that game from me, a month later. There was a God, and now, he's letting someone else suffer through this nightmare.
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5thman
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Pyramid was the most boring, unimaginative puzzle game I've ever met. It was pathetic. At least Action 52 was hilariously bad.
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Crazy the Clown
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A few more I had the misfortune to play.

Dudes With Attitude-This game is just naturally bad on its own. What makes it unforgivable is that the left and right buttons are actually fucking useless. Makes a "Bzzzt! Bzzzt! " noise every time you try. So while gathering your treasure, your smiley face is actually next to impossible to control. It just constantly flies to the left or right, but can't stop, so if you come across a hazard, you're fucked.

Menace Beach/Sunday Funday-Yes, I put two games here, but for a reason. Menace Beach is another bad idea from ColorDreams. In Menace Beach, you have to save your girlfriend, whose clothes inexplicably rot on her, from Devil Dan, all the way fighting several ninjas, Elvis impersonators, and sumo wrestlers, among other foes. Sunday Funday is a game from Wisdom Tree, which has made many bad bible games. But what they DON'T tell you is, aside from a few different foes and a different, cleaner plot involving Sunday School, it's THE SAME FUCKING GAME!!! Note: If it failed once, don't remake it.

Wally Bear and the NO! Gang-Drug awareness and resistance has long been an issue in life, and videogames, as well. It seems you can't play an arcade game from the 90's without seeing the words, "Winners Don't Use Drugs." These geniuses, however, decided to make a home version of a drug-free game. As Wally Bear, leader of a gang of straight-edge animorphs, you gotta get to your uncle's house for a party. What nobody tells you, though, is everything out there is out to kill you, and you only have a frisbee to defend yourself. I realize it's a tool to keep kids off drugs, but I'm sure the programmers must have been smoking something when they made this monstrosity. I'm also sure that this game failed in its mission to keep kids off drugs, as a few were frustrated into needing drugs just to calm the fuck down. For a better NES anti-drug game, try NARC.
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corpse monger
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Lord of Splatmosphere

Gentlemen, you're forgetting River City Nudist Colony!!!

River City Nudist Colony-Pummel foes with your phat kok.

That is all.
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Dire 51
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I always leave when the talk gets philosophical.
Edgecrusher
corpse monger,Dec 7 2008
01:46 AM
Gentlemen, you're forgetting River City Nudist Colony!!!

River City Nudist Colony-Pummel foes with your phat kok.

That is all.

Is that an unlicensed game or a ROM hack?
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Crazy the Clown
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Dire 51,Dec 7 2008
09:15 AM
corpse monger,Dec 7 2008
01:46 AM
Gentlemen, you're forgetting River City Nudist Colony!!!

River City Nudist Colony-Pummel foes with your phat kok.

That is all.

Is that an unlicensed game or a ROM hack?

As I know of the game in question, I can safely say that it's a ROM hack.

I've come across a few more unlicensed games, fairly recently.

Honey Peach-With a name like that, you may think it's about a dessert-eating contest or something. What it really is, though, is another game by the pirates of Sachen, and the plot is fairly simple. Play a few rounds of Rock-Paper-Scissors with beautiful women, and get them naked by winning. Losing will strip your character, and if you don't want to see a buck-ass naked man freaking out while hiding his member, then you either have to win or not play. Fortunately, if you DO lose, you won't see any actual digital wang.

Quattro Series-Only two games I could find were made for this series, and both of them made by CodeMasters, before they got licensing to make games for various other platforms. In the game, Quattro Adventure, you can choose to play Linus Spacehead, Super Robin Hood, Boomerang Kid, and Treasure Island Dizzy. In the game, Quattro Arcade, your choices are C.J., Stunt Buggies, F16 Renegade, and Go! Dizzy Go! Eight very generic titles on two very generic cartridges. The last game by CodeMasters I saw was some Texas Hold 'Em game for the PS2.

Joshua-Yet another attempt by Wisdom Tree to cash in on the Nintendo market. It plays a lot like a similar game, Exodus*, only instead of Moses, you play as Joshua, who, after the death of Moses, must cross the River Jordan, as instructed by God in order to get to the Promised Land. Yeah, it was a futile effort to teach gamers about Joshua. Nintendo distanced itself from religion to NOT offend other religions. Wisdom Tree made unlicensed games to force others to accept their religion, all the while taking liberties with the bible stories they portray. Oh, yeah. They're going to Hell when they die.

*-Not to be confused with Ultima-Exodus, which, while fucking hard to understand, was a great game by comparison.
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Crazy the Clown
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Sadly, though, the NES was not the only one to become a victim of bad unlicensed games. I recall hearing about a couple more that were on the PC Engine. And they were supposed to be adult games, which means kids wouldn't be able to get their hands on them so easily.

Strip Fighter II-Take Street Fighter II, replace all the fighters, including Chun-Li, with sexy women (And one fat one.), and give them special moves which briefly removes their clothing, replace fluid controls with somewhat wonky ones, and you got Strip Fighter II. Believe me, I'm not making this shit up. This one girl uses her cans to throw fireballs, a move I like to call, "Haboobken."

Lady Sword-Remember such dungeon maze RPGs as Wizardry, Arcana, and Sword of Vermillion? Lady Sword takes a similar concept, adds generic game music, severed girls' heads in various states of rotting, and this one girl who removes her clothes between dungeon floors. To get her completely naked, you have to climb 10 floors, fight the monsters you come across, try not to freak out if you see a severed head speaking Japanese to you, and knowing how to speak and read Japanese would help a bit, too. Sadly, I've never seen the girl in all her nude 16-bit glory, as the guy who made a video of this game ran out of patience after the first floor.

Hi-Leg Fantasy-You guessed it, they've ripped off Final Fantasy. Only instead of slaying goblins, dragons, slimes, and various other FF monsters, you're trying to slice the clothes off of female opponents. At least, that's what I believe it to be about from what I read and the screenshots I saw.

In addition, the SNES also released a bad religious game. Around the time of the SNES, Nintendo was getting wise to Wisdom Tree's antics, so they made, get this, a top-loader game, just so it could be played.

Super Noah's Ark 3-D-Wanting to get even with Nintendo for butchering their creation, Wolfenstein 3-D, Id Games had struck a deal with Wisdom Tree to make a similar game in every way. Only instead of shooting up enemy soldiers that Nintendo wasn't allowed to call Nazis back then, you fire feed from a slingshot at animals to get them to take a nap. And when they kick, they must have telekenetic range, as you can stand well out of range, and they can still nail you.

And finally, who can forget the atrocity of the Sega Genesis, known as....

Action 52-While not quite as bad as the NES version, glitch-wise, this was still an unbelievably bad compilation. Let's hope the game designers have either learned their lesson, or are on the streets, holding up signs that read, "Will make games for food."
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Dire 51
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I always leave when the talk gets philosophical.
Edgecrusher
Crazy the Clown,Dec 14 2008
01:25 PM
Strip Fighter II-Take Street Fighter II, replace all the fighters, including Chun-Li, with sexy women (And one fat one.), and give them special moves which briefly removes their clothing, replace fluid controls with somewhat wonky ones, and you got Strip Fighter II. Believe me, I'm not making this shit up. This one girl uses her cans to throw fireballs, a move I like to call, "Haboobken."

This one I've played. Ever seen the "spinning boob attack"? :lol
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5thman
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Mooninites
Sega's Action 52 is a work of art compared to the nes one.
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Crazy the Clown
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I know I told you about many of the games whose respective companies went over the heads of NEC, Nintendo, and Sega to make a quick buck. But it didn't start there. God, no. It started back in the days of the Atari 2600. And they were heavy into the Atari porno scene. They were made by Mystique, which later became PlayAround. You would NEVER have found them on the shelves. Back then, you would've had to ask the clerk for the "under-the-counter" games, and they would've carded you. Here are three such games.

Custer's Revenge-I'm sure everyone's heard of this game, and I needn't go into a long-winded speech about it, so I'll just tell you what I was thinking was going on before the game starts.

Soldier-"Now that you're back from the dead, sir, what plans do you have?"
Custer (In a bad Foghorn Leghorn voice)-"Ah say ya just let me go inta Injun territory wearin' nothin' but a pink scarf, a blue hat, an' a pair of boots, an' I go have sex with Sittin' Bull's naked wife, WIFE, that is, as she's a-leanin' again' a cactus while them Injuns try ta plug me with a buncha arrows. Any questions?"
Soldier-"Yes. sir. Many."

If you think the plot's bad, the graphics look like Lego sex.

Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em-Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, I've read some bad instruction booklets, before, but Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em even beats out Snake's Revenge. Yes, it's that fucking bad.

*BULLSHIT ALERT!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!!*

According to the book, someone beats off on top of a building, and you have to use the naked twin girls to catch his seed, because each sperm could be a president, politician, or acclaimed scientist in the making, and should you miss, shame on you.

*Bullshit alert over. Threat of smoking pile of bullshit averted.*

Ok, seriously, first off, some psycho who madly jerks his ding-dong on top of a building isn't exactly capable of producing brilliant offspring. Second, even if he was, the girls letting sperm hit the pavement and catching it in their mouths give them precisely the same chance of producing a child. None whatsofuckingever. You'd think the people who make these games would've fucking known that.

Gigolo-A city walker has to walk around the streets and find a man who wants to actually bang her. Go into the right house, and you're treated to a reason to shout, "Go, man, go!" and you earn a few points and some money. Go into the wrong house, though, and the cops'll come out to throw your ass in jail. Seriously, though, compared to the other two games, this one's actually pretty decent.
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