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What has my life become?; Dark times for Hatsune Candy....
Topic Started: Sep 18 2014, 08:08 AM (303 Views)
Hatsune Candy
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The soul of a forgotten file
Two years, nine months, one week, and one day ago, December 10, 2011, that was the day I joined this forum. Little did I know, my decision to join the wondrous place called Vagrant Epochers would mark a tremendous and slow decline in my life. And it would reach to such a point that it would lead me to the lowest point I have ever been to thus far, that is where I am right now. I can't say I blame anyone but myself for this.

However, what I can say is that before VE I didn't struggle with depression, I wasn't paranoid or delusional, I never had low self-esteem, I didn't feel terrible about myself or choices that I made, and I most certainly did not feel like my existence was worth absolutely nothing. I don't talk to a lot of people, so before I had mindlessly hopped into this place I had never met anyone capable of seeing the flaws in who I was. The problem being that it was at the wrong time, and in the wrong way. So instead of improving my life, it just made everything a hell of a lot worse.

And here I am now, with recent events making it almost impossible for me to handle it any longer. I feel unwanted, unloved, and just downright useless. Everyday is a nightmare, each one worst than the last, but life's only natural escape from reality, sleep, is unattainable with such tremendous regret weighing on my mind. The only reason I'm still here, breathing, is because of other means of escape through YouTube and TV shows like Doctor Who that keep me distracted from the hellhole that my life has turned into.

...But let's back up a bit here, I didn't make this to mope. I made this to talk about the things that I've done, to get it all of my chest and apologize to a great deal of people. The important point to discuss here, and the most relevant one, is my excessive alternate accounts. First off we have Dusk, just some stupid thing I did to create drama and nothing more; there's really no need to go into it any deeper than that. Then we get to Aru Feiku, I made her because I wanted a fresh start, to know what it felt like to have a good reputation for once. I stopped using that account after I begun to feel bad about doing so.

And yet I bloody did it again. I still don't know why I did because I almost immediately regretted it. But still I continued on with it, to the point where I made the worst mistake of my entire life. As of Naku finding out a few days ago, he never wants to speak to me again. I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to her all those months ago, it's too terrible for me to ever be able to make up for. Which is why I won't say what it is that I did, even though it's entirely possible that people already know what I'm talking about.

So we come to the most recent of my alternate accounts, Ace. I knew it was a terrible idea from the start. But I was desperate, my life has never reached a lower point, I didn't know what else to do. I even wasted money on it I was so desperate. ...I just felt soo hated... I wanted nothing more than for all that hate to go away forever, and the only way I could see that happening was if I became someone else; I didn't want to just leave, this forum is too much of a part of me for that, as I have already learned beforehand.

Of course it didn't work out as planned, and I'm glad it didn't, because it wasn't the right way to go about it. So here I am instead, talking about my mistakes and how terrible I feel for everything that I've done. Is it the right thing to do? Maybe, maybe not, as if I would know. If it isn't... Fuck, I don't care anymore, nothing could possibly be worse that what I feel right now.
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NakaTeleeli
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Naka the Honeywhite
I'll admit I have a very limited view of what's going on, but it seems most to me that you've just been running. Whenever an issue pops up, you run away from it and hope it goes away. But it won't just disappear. We've all got problems, some moreso than others, and running has never solved anything. At best it's postponed it, and worst it's made it, well, worse.

If you want to actually solve these issues, stop running and face them. If they're issues with yourself, then honestly look at yourself and make steps to solve them. Train yourself to notice when you're doing something and stop it as soon as you notice. Personally, I've learned to bite my tongue a lot. For something as dumb as a rude comment that hits close to home, I want more than anything to respond and argue. I eventually made myself stop replying, and just deleted the comment. Since then I've realized even then I was reacting in the heat of the moment and now don't do anything right away. I wait a day or so and if it still bothers me I'll do something much more calmly. Often times I've forgotten about it.

Not just dumb comments, but even in real life. Often if someone says something that tweaks me wrong, I bite my tongue. I don't voice a complaint or a concern right away, in the heat of the moment. That will only lead to arguments and fights and me saying things I haven't really thought about and often don't even believe. I wait, and often it goes away and it's not a concern at all. Sometimes you need to honestly ask yourself why it's so bothersome. Even if I wait it'll stew and I'll be upset, but sometimes I have to stop and ask myself how important it really is, and how much this continuing really matters, or affects me, and often I'm getting upset over something with no consequence for reasons I can't even back up. If it does continue to bother me, I wait. Maybe not right away, but I wait until I can talk to the person about it in a much lighter tone, as part of a pleasant conversation instead of a confrontation. It does take waiting.

And don't say "I can't do that". That's running away again. I don't know a single person on this forum that would hold a grudge indefinitely because of something done ages ago. If you honestly make steps to fix problems and prevent them from happening again, people will accept you. People won't hate you baselessly if you show them you're a good person or that you've become a good person. People may be warry at first, but if you honestly change what you want them to see changed, so too will they accept you.

For all I know this post won't mean anything, but if you take anything from this, it's to stop running. Don't say you can't fix things or that it's too hard. That's still just running. If you want anything solved it'll take work. And it falls on you to put that work in.
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