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| The Adventures of the Amelia; Prologue | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Apr 14 2013, 08:15 AM (826 Views) | |
| JBRam | Apr 14 2013, 08:15 AM Post #1 |
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Don't play with fire, kids.
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Hi guys. I started writing my OC Jenneva's story. I'm hoping eventually I can clean it up and maybe publish it. I figured I would show you where I am with the Prologue so far, and get some opinions from you guys. I don't plan on showing the rest of it off (except to specific proofreaders), but I'd like to hear a few things from you guys: 1. Would you be interested in learning more about this character? Does the prologue do a good job of bringing you into the action and creating a sense of character and empathy for the character? 2. Do you see any inconsistencies that should be addressed? Are there any details that are missing that you deem significant? (I know I don't do a great job at describing the various people, but I'll likely add that at a later date.) 3. Does the opening few pages suck you in? Would you be emotionally/personally invested in learning more? Does my writing contribute to that goal, or hinder it? 4. Finally, are there any grammar/spelling errors, or any sentences that you had to reread because they were worded poorly? Anyways, here's the story. I look forward to hearing back.
Edited by JBRam, Apr 14 2013, 08:55 AM.
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| THEkingroxas | Apr 14 2013, 09:43 AM Post #2 |
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I'm Dante~
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I'm not so good at this, so don't expect any sort of lengthy response. 1. While the character definitely has an established personality, it's not too interesting for me, personally. However, when the action started picking up, I definitely felt more interested. 2. I do not find any details missing or otherwise, but I'm not the best person to look for those sort of things. 3. For me, openings are never usually that great. They take some time to build my interest. That can be said for this except the very end. The dread filled feeling of the atmosphere along with a slight curiosity pulled me in. The descriptions of the people around the girl burning to death was a definite pull in for me. I don't "enjoy" death, but it's definitely a good tool to pull interest if done right. I actually felt like I was watching these people right there, so well done on that part. 4. I myself could not find any grammar or spelling errors, but I overlook things all the time. |
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| Stabby | Apr 14 2013, 09:54 AM Post #3 |
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Hello~
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To answer your first 3 questions: 1. I've been interested since her introduction (in the forums, not the story). Even if I wasn't, perhaps the story would make me be interested. I don't have much empathy yet for the characters sadly, but it is something that would take time. 2. Just a probably minor nitpick, but the time between the note being delivered and the navy vessel arriving seemed a little too short. And you'll probably mention this later, but how are letter, packages, etc. delivered in the story? Not a minor nitpick, but Victoria didn't seem to worry about her father near the end of the prologue. 3.It didn't suck me in, but it's just a prologue. I usually invest a after a few chapters before I decide whether or not it's worth a read. As for the other questions, see #1. 4. There are a few nitpicks.
I'd replace the word "first" with "few" if it indicates she was free before. If this is her first time, remove the words "one of" and make the word "times" singular.
Take out the comma and replace it with the word "and".
I'd replace "came the reply" with "She replied". Aside from those, I might have to re-read later. Was this type in the forums or an outside Word Processor? Edited by Stabby, Apr 14 2013, 09:55 AM.
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| JBRam | Apr 14 2013, 10:16 AM Post #4 |
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Don't play with fire, kids.
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This was typed in Word and copied into the forum. I also have a copy in a Google Doc just in case. I generally dislike using the phrase "and then" in my writing. I was told early on that it's grammatically incorrect, and haven't been able to shake that. I believe I'll take your first suggestion, though. I was also told that when I talk about the Captain's beard, wind should not move a short-cropped beard much, like I pointed out in the story. Agree/Disagree? I added a reference to her father near the end (in my doc - I might update this later). It was rather difficult to fit it in in the last couple paragraphs. Flow kinda sucked. So I had her ask when Father would arrive after complaining about the stink. As for using a passive voice, I know it's generally frowned upon, but I wanted the action to feel more passive in the prologue for various reasons I won't get into. Edited by JBRam, Apr 14 2013, 10:23 AM.
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| Stabby | Apr 14 2013, 10:33 AM Post #5 |
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Hello~
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You could just remove the comma. How short and how noticeable is the beard? If it's like this: http://0.tqn.com/d/menshair/1/0/E/B/-/-/08.jpg The yes it shouldn't move much. Edited by Stabby, Apr 14 2013, 10:44 AM.
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| JBRam | Apr 14 2013, 11:15 AM Post #6 |
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Don't play with fire, kids.
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I was thinking along the lines of this: http://thecaptainschairdp.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/10418597-captain-edward-smith.jpg |
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| Stabby | Apr 14 2013, 11:18 AM Post #7 |
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Hello~
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Oh. I've met people with beards like those. The did noticeably moved in particularly in strong winds. Since they're in an airship, I'd assume the winds are kinda strong? |
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| Blackhook | Apr 14 2013, 01:42 PM Post #8 |
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Fleet of the 7 winds
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Where is the Jenneva I know and lo...admire? Also I am going to sum up my gripes here. I know it sounds weird coming from me...but it lacks descriptions.Using your imagination is one thing, but you want to imerse in the character's world, not our own. I suck at descriptions and try to avoid them, but I see their importance. There is also the opening of this...opening.
Isn't the article "The" used when something was previously established? You seriously need to establish some things first if you want to suck in the reader. What is an airship? Does it look like a sea ship or is it more like a plane but with a deck? Is the weather nice? Do seaguls fly alone? How high is the ship? Same goes for Vicky. Is there something to stand out about her? What does her dress look like and how come she tripped over it?Perhaps focusing a bit on her thought and inner workings? I don't expect any Freudian observations or anything but..even Harry Potter did more (I like HP but it's by no means fine literature XD). So yeah, I wasn't really sucked in because the story wasn't really trying that much to suck me in. |
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| JBRam | Apr 14 2013, 02:46 PM Post #9 |
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Don't play with fire, kids.
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I agree that I need to add in a lot of descriptions. I'll do that later. I needed to get the outline of the story onto paper, and I'll add more description in a later revision. As for the article "the," I feel if I use "the" when starting something like this, it makes the reader focus attention on the thing I'm talking about. If I said "A girl was on an airship," then hey, there's a girl somewhere over there. However, when I use "the," you feel like you're right there with the girl yourself. |
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| Blackhook | Apr 14 2013, 02:58 PM Post #10 |
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Fleet of the 7 winds
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Well, I didn't know there was a girl there to begin with. I was like WHOA suddenly GIRL...is this magic? XD |
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