Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Add Reply
The Adventures of the Amelia; Prologue
Topic Started: Apr 14 2013, 08:15 AM (829 Views)
JBRam
Member Avatar
Don't play with fire, kids.
Hi guys. I started writing my OC Jenneva's story. I'm hoping eventually I can clean it up and maybe publish it. I figured I would show you where I am with the Prologue so far, and get some opinions from you guys. I don't plan on showing the rest of it off (except to specific proofreaders), but I'd like to hear a few things from you guys:

1. Would you be interested in learning more about this character? Does the prologue do a good job of bringing you into the action and creating a sense of character and empathy for the character?

2. Do you see any inconsistencies that should be addressed? Are there any details that are missing that you deem significant? (I know I don't do a great job at describing the various people, but I'll likely add that at a later date.)

3. Does the opening few pages suck you in? Would you be emotionally/personally invested in learning more? Does my writing contribute to that goal, or hinder it?

4. Finally, are there any grammar/spelling errors, or any sentences that you had to reread because they were worded poorly?

Anyways, here's the story. I look forward to hearing back.



Prologue
 
The auburn-haired girl stood at the railing of the airship, peering over the edge into the clouds below. The air blew through her hair, but she didn’t feel cold. She felt free for one of the first times in her short twelve years. A seagull flew alongside the ship, cawing out its objections to their presence. The girl simply stuck her tongue out at the bird. Today was her birthday, and no one was going to ruin it.

She looked back at her parents, half-hugging each other on a bench. They waved a greeting to her and smiled. The girl waved back, then turned to look out at the vista beyond. They were so high in the air that the world below looked like a painter had split his tray on a canvas and mixed all the colors together. Rivulets of blue intersected with the green and browns, forming a picture more beautiful than the artist ever intended. It was heaven.

The girl heard footsteps approaching and turned around. The captain was coming to greet them personally, his short-cropped salt-and-pepper beard moving ever so slightly in the breeze. The captain’s smile was infectious as her father rose to greet him.

“Marquis Branson, Lord d’Amariscotta,” the captain beamed. “Always a pleasure to have one of the nobility with us.”

“Please, call me Branson. Titles have no meaning aboard your vessel.” The girl’s father returned the smile and offered a handshake, which was accepted enthusiastically. “This is my wife, Emily, and my daughter, Victoria.” The girl approached and curtseyed for the captain, which elicited a chuckle.

“My Lady Victoria!” the captain exclaimed. “Well met!” He bowed low to the girl, then turned back to her father. “You must join me for dinner tonight, Branson. The city is breathtaking after sundown, like you would not imagine. We can regale each other with tales of the war, fighting off pirates and keeping the good folk safe!”

“As long as there is cake,” the girl’s father replied. “It is Vicky’s birthday today. This is her first airship ride, and we are pleased that you are showing such hospitality to us.”

“Your birthday?!” the captain cried. “Pray tell, how old might you be, Lady Victoria?”

“Twelve.” The girl leaned back on the railing. “This is a big ship. I like it, but it seems odd that the captain’s cabin is placed in the aft, while the steering wheel is in the bow.” The girl crossed her arms and waited for a response, receiving a glare from her mother.

The captain raised an eyebrow. “Smart little gal, isn’t she? You’re absolutely correct. However, it forces me to thoroughly check the entire ship whenever I need to retire to my cabins. It’s different than what most airships have, but I’ve grown to like it.”

The short conversation was interrupted by a pageboy rushing up to the captain. He handed a message over, then stood by as the captain perused its contents. Immediately, his expression soured. “If you would excuse me, my lord, I have some pressing matters to attend to.”

“Your ship is more important than us, Captain,” the girl’s father said, nodding his farewell. The captain immediately strode away with the pageboy scurrying to catch up. When the pair had left, the girl’s father sighed. “That was an abrupt leaving, don’t you think?”

“I’m sure it was important, dear.” The girl’s mother patted his arm reassuringly. “Let us return to our seat.”

The lord shrugged her off. “Something feels wrong. Did you see his face when he read the note? That was no simple steam trouble.” He stepped up to the railing next to the girl and laid a hand on her shoulder, scanning the skyline. The only ship in sight was a Royal Navy vessel approaching them. “That ship seems to be hailing us,” the girl’s father said. He squinted towards the ship to block some of the sunlight from his view. “Girls, find an escape pod. This will not end well.”

“Bran, what’s wrong?” The girl’s mother was already gathering her skirts up to run and reaching out for the girl’s hand.

“I believe they are planning to open fire. I’m going to follow the captain to see if I can be of assistance. Find an escape pod and stay there until I come get you.” The lord leaned down and kissed the girl’s auburn hair. “Stay safe. I love you.”

“Father…” The girl was dragged away by her mother before she could say anything else. A glance over her shoulder showed a final glimpse of her father’s broad shoulders pushing through the passengers to reach the captain’s deck.

“Come, Victoria,” her mother said, pulling on her arm and causing the girl to trip over her own skirt. “Hurry!” The scared girl gathered up her skirts with some difficulty and followed. The trip to the escape pod was brief, yet hurried. Her mother opened the cylindrical tube and helped the girl inside, then followed, leaving the door open behind her. Some of the common folk glanced in with curiosity but continued along their day.

“Mother, shouldn’t we tell them what’s going on?” the girl asked with some confusion as she glanced out one of the small round windows.

“It is better to not alarm the people until danger is certain,” came the reply. “Stop fidgeting and sit straight, Victoria. You must look like a lady.”

The girl rolled her eyes and sat up for a moment before returning to her vista. “I wish Nathan was here,” she said softly. Her brother was squiring for one of the lesser lords in the south, and it was deemed “imprudent” to take him from his training for nothing more than an airship ride. He would be home in a month or so anyways, but she missed him.

A sudden explosion rocked the vessel, and shouts of concern arose from outside the pod. The girl’s mother leaned out of the pod door and waved her arms at the people. “In here!” she called before ducking back into the pod. Several of the common folk began to flow into the small space, making the girl feel quite cramped. She hung onto her mother’s hand, terrified of the new people, the new sights, the new… smells.

Her mother blocked several people from entering. “Women and children first,” she explained to some of the men trying to board.

“Bugger off,” came one reply, as he tried to shove the girl’s mother backwards. The Lady caught her balance quickly, and reached a gloved hand forward to close around the man’s throat.

“Women… and children… first.” The Lady glared into his eyes as he sputtered in surprise. When she finally let go, he stumbled backwards, choking and coughing before running off to find another escape pod. There were no more attempts to break into the pod after that.

Once the pod was full (too full for the auburn-haired girl’s taste), the girl’s mother closed the door and sealed it. She patted the girl’s hand comfortingly before whispering to her, “Sit straight, like a lady.”

“But mother… it stinks in here,” the girl replied, looking across the narrow aisle at a boy who appeared covered in a fine layer of dust. Her mother just shook her head and resumed her seat.

Another explosion rocked the ship, and they felt like they were falling. The girl’s mother pulled a chord, and a great grinding of gears could be heard as the pod was ejected from the ship. “Hold on!” her mother shouted. After a couple seconds of near weightlessness, the pod felt like it slammed into something. “That was just the chute. Don’t worry. We shall land safely.”

The curious girl looked out the window once more. Above her and to the left, the Navy ship was sending a barrage of gunfire and missiles at the ship. To the right, more escape pods were ejecting as the ship lost altitude. Suddenly, the Navy ship turned its attention to the pods. One by one, the pods exploded in a shatter of a million metallic shards. The little girl screamed in terror, causing her mother to follow her gaze. “Gods, what the hell are they doing?” she yelled. “This is no pirate ship!”

Suddenly, flames engulfed the escape pod. The girl could hardly breathe from the smoke and heat, and screams filled the tiny pod. The boy across the aisle looked back at her, wide-eyed and terrified as flames licked along his clothing. The girl’s mother let out a sound she had never heard before, filled with pain and terror. The sensation of weightlessness came once more, and then she felt nothing.
Edited by JBRam, Apr 14 2013, 08:55 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
THEkingroxas
Member Avatar
I'm Dante~
I'm not so good at this, so don't expect any sort of lengthy response.

1. While the character definitely has an established personality, it's not too interesting for me, personally. However, when the action started picking up, I definitely felt more interested.

2. I do not find any details missing or otherwise, but I'm not the best person to look for those sort of things.

3. For me, openings are never usually that great. They take some time to build my interest. That can be said for this except the very end. The dread filled feeling of the atmosphere along with a slight curiosity pulled me in. The descriptions of the people around the girl burning to death was a definite pull in for me. I don't "enjoy" death, but it's definitely a good tool to pull interest if done right. I actually felt like I was watching these people right there, so well done on that part.

4. I myself could not find any grammar or spelling errors, but I overlook things all the time.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Stabby
Member Avatar
Hello~
To answer your first 3 questions:

1. I've been interested since her introduction (in the forums, not the story). Even if I wasn't, perhaps the story would make me be interested. I don't have much empathy yet for the characters sadly, but it is something that would take time.

2. Just a probably minor nitpick, but the time between the note being delivered and the navy vessel arriving seemed a little too short. And you'll probably mention this later, but how are letter, packages, etc. delivered in the story? Not a minor nitpick, but Victoria didn't seem to worry about her father near the end of the prologue.

3.It didn't suck me in, but it's just a prologue. I usually invest a after a few chapters before I decide whether or not it's worth a read. As for the other questions, see #1.

4. There are a few nitpicks.

Quote:
 
The air blew through her hair, but she didn’t feel cold. She felt free for one of the first times in her short twelve years.


I'd replace the word "first" with "few" if it indicates she was free before. If this is her first time, remove the words "one of" and make the word "times" singular.

Quote:
 
“My Lady Victoria!” the captain exclaimed. “Well met!” He bowed low to the girl, then turned back to her father.


Take out the comma and replace it with the word "and".

Quote:
 
“It is better to not alarm the people until danger is certain,” came the reply.


I'd replace "came the reply" with "She replied".

Aside from those, I might have to re-read later. Was this type in the forums or an outside Word Processor?
Edited by Stabby, Apr 14 2013, 09:55 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBRam
Member Avatar
Don't play with fire, kids.
This was typed in Word and copied into the forum. I also have a copy in a Google Doc just in case.

I generally dislike using the phrase "and then" in my writing. I was told early on that it's grammatically incorrect, and haven't been able to shake that. I believe I'll take your first suggestion, though.

I was also told that when I talk about the Captain's beard, wind should not move a short-cropped beard much, like I pointed out in the story. Agree/Disagree?

I added a reference to her father near the end (in my doc - I might update this later). It was rather difficult to fit it in in the last couple paragraphs. Flow kinda sucked. So I had her ask when Father would arrive after complaining about the stink.

As for using a passive voice, I know it's generally frowned upon, but I wanted the action to feel more passive in the prologue for various reasons I won't get into.
Edited by JBRam, Apr 14 2013, 10:23 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Stabby
Member Avatar
Hello~
You could just remove the comma.

How short and how noticeable is the beard?

If it's like this:

http://0.tqn.com/d/menshair/1/0/E/B/-/-/08.jpg

The yes it shouldn't move much.
Edited by Stabby, Apr 14 2013, 10:44 AM.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBRam
Member Avatar
Don't play with fire, kids.
I was thinking along the lines of this:
http://thecaptainschairdp.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/10418597-captain-edward-smith.jpg
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Stabby
Member Avatar
Hello~
Oh. I've met people with beards like those. The did noticeably moved in particularly in strong winds. Since they're in an airship, I'd assume the winds are kinda strong?
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackhook
Member Avatar
Fleet of the 7 winds
Where is the Jenneva I know and lo...admire?
Also I am going to sum up my gripes here. I know it sounds weird coming from me...but it lacks descriptions.Using your imagination is one thing, but you want to imerse in the character's world, not our own. I suck at descriptions and try to avoid them, but I see their importance.
There is also the opening of this...opening.
Quote:
 
The auburn-haired girl stood at the railing of the airship, peering over the edge into the clouds below.

Isn't the article "The" used when something was previously established? You seriously need to establish some things first if you want to suck in the reader.
What is an airship? Does it look like a sea ship or is it more like a plane but with a deck? Is the weather nice? Do seaguls fly alone? How high is the ship?
Same goes for Vicky. Is there something to stand out about her? What does her dress look like and how come she tripped over it?Perhaps focusing a bit on her thought and inner workings? I don't expect any Freudian observations or anything but..even Harry Potter did more (I like HP but it's by no means fine literature XD).
So yeah, I wasn't really sucked in because the story wasn't really trying that much to suck me in.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
JBRam
Member Avatar
Don't play with fire, kids.
I agree that I need to add in a lot of descriptions. I'll do that later. I needed to get the outline of the story onto paper, and I'll add more description in a later revision. As for the article "the," I feel if I use "the" when starting something like this, it makes the reader focus attention on the thing I'm talking about. If I said "A girl was on an airship," then hey, there's a girl somewhere over there. However, when I use "the," you feel like you're right there with the girl yourself.
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Blackhook
Member Avatar
Fleet of the 7 winds
Well, I didn't know there was a girl there to begin with. I was like WHOA suddenly GIRL...is this magic? XD
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Creative Writing · Next Topic »
Add Reply