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Video Game Article & More; Updated 04-06-10
Topic Started: Aug 10 2006, 04:57 PM (4,713 Views)
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(Note: Along with Video Game Article, I'm going back and adding in other articles that dealt with various games)

Max Payne 2 and Asshole Physics

"Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez and I came up with the term "Asshole Physics" when we were discussing the game and the physics models it employed. Basically there's a lot of crap you can knock over and kick around, including dead bodies, buckets, cans, and little sections of drywall which are standing around in the middle of rooms for no obvious reason. Zachary casually mentioned, "I have made it a point to knock over every fucking thing in that game. I am living out my fantasies of being a giant asshole," and I responded by stealing his "asshole" comment and claiming that I made it up. Thus "Asshole Physics" was born, a phrase used to describe the games where you can run around like an idiot, being a nuisance to everything and everyone you encounter. It's just like pretending you're playing Ultima Online, only there are a lot more buckets you can push around. I decided to write up a brief overview of my experiences with Max Payne 2 by highlighting this Asshole Physics system and explaining to you, the reader, how immersive it makes the environment and game in general."

The Monthly Video Game Henchmen's 563rd Union Address

"Guy Wearing Goggles Who Shoots a Stationary Cannon Straight Forward Nonstop #70,237. I'll always remember Guy Wearing Goggles Who Shoots a Stationary Cannon Straight Forward Nonstop #70,237 as the life of the party. You fellow members undoubtedly recall the time he showed up at the Video Game Henchman 563rd Union Christmas party last year and used his stationary cannon to launch tube socks full of jellybeans at the kids. Of course nobody was able to catch any of them as they flew in a perfectly straight horizontal line for a seemingly infinite distance until ultimately hitting a wall in another country somewhere, but he was still the hit of the party. This brave man was killed when PLAYER 1 shot one of those metal barrels which explode for no good reason at all. I'm sure you guys can remember my endless crusade to get these stupid barrels removed from the heavy foot traffic areas. I don't know what happened to that petition, but I assume management put it in the same place they stored my petition to stop leaving ammunition and heavy weaponry lying around on the floor for PLAYER 1 to freely pick up by running over it."

Asshole Physics Revisited

"Doom 3 is the perfect example of a game that could have really used Asshole Physics. While the game had a physics engine the developers made absolutely no use of it to allow the player to act like a dick in space. Nobody on Mars gives a shit if you knock a plastic soda can off a counter. Nobody cares if you hit the janitor's mop bucket with your pussy flashlight in a vain attempt to knock the damn thing over. Who was actually on that base to annoy? A couple of Asian scientists? You can't annoy Asian people."

Chris Hope Football Simulator 2005

"About Chris Hope

Why Chris Hope? The decision was a no-brainer, as the Steelers' safety is the most dominant and popular athlete in the world. Chris Hope is a defensive legend, an integral part of such unforgettable historic plays as Guy Carrying Ball Gets Pushed Out Of Bounds By Chris Hope and Chris Hope Gives A Teammate Who Just Recorded A Sack A High Five. Defense wins football games in the NFL, and Chris Hope is a thousand dollars worth of defense in a five hundred dollar suit."

Video Game Article - 12/03/05

"In this new bi-weekly feature I'll be covering the latest industry news and rumors, reviewing games in the most concise format ever concocted, and generally continuing to disappoint my family with my career choice. Think of Video Game Article as Electronic Gaming Monthly without the months-long delay and Seanbaby's infinite supply of ways to say things suck while incorporating 80's pop culture. Or think of it as Gamespot without the frightening videos of disheveled men reviewing games while staring into the camera with barely concealed rapefaces. Or maybe think of it as IGN without the horrible grammar and numerous typos, and the sixteen page articles with one paragraph on each page followed by an insterstitial flash ad for potleafs or McDonald's. Don't even think of Gamespy. You have too much to live for, just don't do it."

Video Game Article - 12/17/05

"Star Wars: Lightsaber Battle

Let's face it, the Revolution's controller was practically made to simulate the sensation of holding a lightsaber in your hand. Imagine a first person game set in the Star Wars universe where you, as a Jedi, could deflect laser blasts back at Stormtroopers and fight lightsaber wielding baddies such as Boba Fett and Darth Vader one on one! Elements of lightsaber combat have been attempted before in games such as Jedi Outcast and Yoda's Desktop Adventure, but never with a control setup this intuitive.

Tilt Left - Pause
Tilt Right - Reset
Tilt Forward - Turn Off Console
Tilt Backward - Menu
A Button - Turn Lightsaber On
B Button - Turn Lightsaber Off
B Button + Directional Pad Up - Block Incoming Attacks
Directional Pad - Move In The Desired Direction
Directional Pad + B Button + A Button * The Smaller A Button - Look In The Desired Direction
Power Button - Swing Lightsaber (in a pre-rendered overhead slashing animation, the only one in the game)"

Video Game Article - Best Of 2005 Awards

"Only Game Released on GameCube This Year

The Gamie goes to:

Resident Evil 4

Released on January of 2005, this game just barely squeaked into the running for this category. The fourth game in the popular Resident Evil series, Resident Evil 4 was met with critical acclaim and was truly a game that was released on the Gamecube."

The Five Worst Gaming Articles of 2005

"5. Mario Tennis: Power Tour Review at Planetgamecube.com by Stan Ferguson

Planetgamecube.com is the most reliable source for Gamecube reviews on the Internet. I mean, heck, they're so reliable I don't even need to see the score or read their review to know just how much they absolutely loved every single Nintendo title. I can see the title of a new Mario game and ponder to myself "gee, I wonder if Planetgamecube gave it nine or a ten?" These are the people who devoted two separate "9.5" reviews to Super Mario: Sunshine, one of which claimed "Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto have once again raised the bar not only in platformers, but videogames themselves." As much as I dislike generalizations and think they are dangerous, if you thought that about Super Mario Sunshine then you should be herded off a cliff with whips. "

Video Game Article - 01/14/06

"One Sentence Reviews:

Electroplankton(Nintendo DS)
Finally, an artsy game that lets me make music by molesting tadpoles while eschewing the narrowminded restraints of mainstream games by leaving out such cliched and pedestrian elements as "a point" and "a way to save". 4 /10"

Video Game Article - 01/28/06

"New Version Of Nintendo DS On The Way, Shocking News Hospitalizes Thousands After Suffering Heart Attacks

Nintendo's strategy of releasing a handheld, waiting a week, then designing an update to the original handheld has held true. The company announced a new, smaller DS with brighter screens and new system colors to choose from. According to a Nintendo spokesperson, these astounding features would have been impossible to work into the original DS because the technology simply didn't exist in the primordial soup which was Earth as of one year ago. Granted, the color white had been discovered, but it was incredibly unstable and would have likely resulted in severe injuries to the end user."

Video Game Article - 02/11/06

"Halo 2 Only Playable On Windows Vista, Users Of BobOS Cry Foul

Displaying a stunning grasp of what it takes to maximize game sales, Microsoft has announced that the pc port of Halo 2 will only be playable on computers running the Windows Vista operating system. While most everyone assumes this is an attempt to make Vista the new standard, Microsoft cited entirely different reasons for the move, claiming that Windows Vista is the only operating system powerful enough to realize the game's full potential. Without Windows Vista, there is simply no way your computer could run such complicated code as:

if(WindowsVista = "true"){
run game
install security hole

Video Game Article - 02/25/06

"The Rumor Dude

Very reliable sources have confirmed that Wil Wright, the legendary creator of The Sims and the upcoming Spore, plans to announce his support of breakfast during the keynote speech at this year's Electronic Entertainment Expo. The move is not a publicity stunt, as those of us inside the industry know firsthand that Wil's enthusiasm for the first meal of the day is genuine. He is often seen eating cereal or speaking about the meal with great fervor and animated arm movements. Sometimes he gets a far away look in his eye and you just know he's thinking about breakfast. The announcement might ruffle the feathers of radical anti-breakfast groups, but hopefully those who disagree with him can look past his personal views and still appreciate his creative talents."

Video Game Article - 03/11/06

"EA Releases Battlefield 2 Patch 1.21

The new Battlefield 2 patch is now available for download, including the following fixes:

- Reduced zoom of all sniper rifles (no longer able to pick off players on other servers or players who are offline playing Civilization IV)

- Added bullets, all guns should now work so be careful out there

- Nali Healing Fruit back in the game after lawsuit, settlement, and subsequent licensing agreement with Epic Megagames"

Video Game Article - 03/25/06

"PS3 Controller Redesign - No Longer A Mortal Danger To Gamers Who Throw Their Controllers

If there has been one glaring flaw in the overwhelmingly impressive glances we've gleaned of the Playstation 3, it has been the preposterously goofy boomerang shape of the system's controllers. Thankfully, Sony has announced that the controller displayed up to this point will be scrapped, and that a new design is in the works. Their team of ergonomic researchers and designers have already come up with some very interesting concepts such as a controller shaped like an upside-down "U", one which resembles a horseshoe with its ends slightly pulled out to the sides, and a particularly striking design that looks exactly like the original boomerang controller but is made of concrete."

Asshole Physics, Meet Asshole A.I.

"But that's not all. Much has been made of Oblivion's "radiant A.I." system. This allows developers to create life-like NPCs that pace back and forth in alleys, have disjointed awkward conversations with other NPCs, and stare at walls for six hours at a time, just like in real life! Every NPC has 24/7 cycles that usually result in hours of fun trying to find a NPC so you can give them the ten wolf hides they asked you to fetch for them just like in EVERY DAMN PC ROLE-PLAYING-GAME EVER MADE. These cycles can create dynamic quests such as having to find a certain NPC who only goes out on the weekend only that I can't figure out which made up fantasy word used to describe the days of the week means "weekend". When coupled with asshole physics radiant A.I. creates asshole A.I."

Video Game Article - 04/08/06

"Lucent Sues Microsoft, Demands 360 Recall Or Attention From Someone, Anyone

Lucent technologies has filed a lawsuit claiming that the Xbox 360's MPEG2 decoder infringes on a patent filed by Lucent in 1993. Microsoft seemed nonplussed by the lawsuit, stating that Lucent's claims were groundless and that even if they were forced to recall all 1,000 Xbox 360 units produced to date it would take no more than a week."

Video Game Article - 04/22/06

"Updated Xbox 360 CPU Next Year - Console's Specs To Be "Seriously Finalized, We Mean It This Time" By 2009

Beginning in 2007 the Xbox 360 will ship with a new cpu that outputs significantly less heat, which will come as a great relief to gamers who prefer to play with their faces pressed against the exposed circuitry of the system."

Exclusive E3 Wrap-Up Special

"As is customary just about every year, a trailer for the upcoming Metal Gear game was shown before a packed crowd. In the trailer, an older Snake sneaks up on a tree and interrogates it, threatening to break its neck. The tree laughs eerily, then explains that in the past Snake has used pillars and other objects as cover while evading his foes, but now the hiding spaces themselves have joined forces with a mysterious organization named Founding Fathers to eliminate him. The words "NOWHERE TO HIDE" and "TRIGONOMETRY" then flash across the screen, providing new clues as to the direction of the series. The trailer ends with a tense standoff between Snake and an air vent, a silenced pistol shaking in Snake's usually sure and steady hands.

Upon the conclusion of the trailer, the audience roared in appreciation of Hideo Kojima's masterful storytelling.

Biggest Surprises of E3

- When the Playstation 3 launches later this year, Sony will be skipping the middle man by sending all initial shipments directly to eBay sellers video_game_man_8982 and DongOfTheDead.

- The new Tony Hawk game will be completely on-rails, freeing up the movement keys to trigger fart jokes while you mash the other buttons to chain 18 minute long combo chains."

Ye Olde Oblivion Bulletine Boarde

"WANTED: Physically adept HERO OF KVATCH to do odd jobs for aging shopkeep. Duties include, but are not limited to:

* Searching for rats,
* Killing rats,
* Killing panthers who kill my rats,
* Standing in one place and jumping up and down a bunch until you can jump over buildings,
* Retrieving some minor item which somehow got transported into Elven ruins and is being guarded by folks who stand around in the dark all day in their bathrobes

If interested send resume and three references to LINDA GLORYSWORD, CO GOLD COAST WAY, 6124 WALKING BETWEEN THE DRUG STORE AND THE INN SIX HOURS A DAY AVE. Serious inquiries only, please. I cannot offer any gold or experience points, but I can give you a hood or piece of shoddy armor that's vastly inferior to whatever you're currently wearing."

The Oblivion Mod Guide

"Bushy Vag Mod By TehSex0r:

This is an add-on to any existing nude patch you already have loaded. It removes any underwear worn by female models and replaces it with a luxurious mane of pubic hair. While mostly a visual change to the game, it does have a benefit of +1 armor to all females. However, an error in the program has been found that makes the pubic hair bright green and causes guards to attack on site. TehSex0r is aware of the problem and is working day and night on a fix."

ESRB Ratings For NES Games

Rated M for the brutally accurate portrayal of the combative nature of frogs.

Nightmare On Elm Street
Rated E (Everyone)

Super Mario Brothers 2
Rated T (Teen) for implying that women can jump higher and further than men, and promoting violence against dodo birds."

Lost Corporate Treasures: GameStop Employee Manual Appendix A

"I’m a little confused about the value or trade-ins, and many people have threatened me with lead pipes and chains on this subject. Help!

Well Billy, the exchange rate of games-to-store credit - inspired by German inflation after World War I – is one of GameStop’s proudest and most government-investigated programs. While the trade-in price of any item can be found so easily in any of our computers that even a tragically inbred monkey could do it (that’s you, Billy), the following examples should provide you with enough information to satisfy customers who wonder why their filthy shoebox full of Gameboy Color games can’t be traded in “fer one a’them X-Stations.”"

Hitman Patch Notes, Extreme Bowling Nears Release

"Touching Is Good, Stealing Is Bad

Over 12,000 black Nintendo DS lite units have been stolen in Hong Kong while en route to Europe. Nintendo is confident that they will recoup the lost profits from these stolen systems when the people who come to own them purchase entirely legitimate and legal DS games. In Hong Kong.

Hitman: Blood Money v1.2

- When pushed into an open furnace, npcs no longer giggle

- After receiving numerous complaints about its frustrating level of difficulty, the parallel parking test has been removed"

Peter Molyneux Q & A

"I have to say I am disappointed in your misunderstanding of Black and White, however. A lot of magazines misrepresented me in my interviews. What I really told reporters was that it was supposed to be terrible because it was a terrible game simulator."

Gordon Freeman's Most Memorable Quotes

"Thanks for the gravity gun, but I dunno. I've never come across a situation where I needed one to get through an area before."

"Wait, Dog, why don't you come with me instead of going home? Your ability to lift objects that weigh several tons and kill like fifty combine soldiers without taking any damage might help in some way."

"Alyx, if we don't get out of these harnesses before Dr. Kleiner kills us both, I want you to know something. I love you. I've always loved you. Oh look at me, now I'm crying again."

Goomba Editorial, Titan Quest Patch

"Hey buddy, thanks for crushing my head before! Real nice! You toss pizzas with those feet?

Titan Quest 1.08

- Entering caves at night no longer crashes the game and permanently corrupts your character's save file, but exiting does. This encourages players to only enter caves that they have a really good feeling about.

- Added a system message which periodically flashes "NOT DIABLO 3" in a needlessly large bold font across the screen

- Removed the Shadow detail settings in the option menu since setting them to Medium caused crashes 100% of the time and setting them to High sent an electrical pulse through your mouse to shock your hand

Xbox 360 Summer Preview Spectacular

"Dead or Alive Xtreme 2
Genre: Titty ball
Developer: That asshole who wears sunglasses indoors

The tits now bounce independently of each other. Game of the year.

Madden 2007
Genre: Football that's not as good as the 2k series
Developer: EA Sports

Another year, another Madden. This year's ballgame promises to be the only next-gen football game thanks to strong-arm mafia-like tactics. We sat down with EA spokesperson John Muller to get the inside scoop on this year's gridiron classic:

Last year's Madden was just a warm-up! This year we are really stepping up our game to crush the competition, of which there is none so mission accomplished! We're cutting more features than ever before. Season mode? See ya! Passing plays? Gone! Texture maps? Buh-bye! We're really taking Madden back to what the core football experience is all about, watching big men too stupid to wear a helmet when they ride a motorcycle touch each other. Also, each player will have a special attribute for "closet homosexuality"."

Boogerman, Crowds Gather For Dead Rising

"Boogerman introduced the concept of jumping. Other games had attempted this gameplay mechanic, but none had been all that successful at its implementation. Since the realease of Boogerman, nearly every game has featured jumping.

New Game Studio, Titles Announced

Minutes before we went live, Video Game Article received a press release from a new game development house named "Horrible Ideas Studios". The studio detailed a number of upcoming titles spanning several platforms, such as:

Walkthrough: The RPG (PS2) - Some of the more difficult items to obtain in rpgs are pretty much only available once you're read a walkthrough online thanks to nonsensical solutions such as "visit the graveyard at 11:18pm and take three steps to the left, then two to the right and drink a mana potion". In Walkthrough: The RPG every single element of the game is like this. It's literally impossible to advance past the opening sequence without plugging a fishing pole into the second controller port and perfectly emulating Paula Abdul's dance from her 1991 video "Straight Up Now Tell Me", although nothing in the game indicates that this is what you must do. This is the perfect rpg for people who love looking up solutions on GameFAQs and hate actually playing the games they buy."

Dead Rising Strategy Guide

- The main point of the game is to stay somewhere quiet and safe for as long as possible, far from the reach of zombies. Adding a custom soundtrack with your favorite tunes will help the hours go by.

- Once you've completed 72 Hour Mode you have the option of playing Overtime Mode, which allows you to return for the mall for another 24 hours. Don't do this. It can only expose you to more zombies.

Which Port Of Madden 07 Is The Best?

"EA Sports has taken an odd route with the usual myriad of ports for this year's incarnation of Madden, adding exclusive features to some versions of the game and omitting features from other versions. For example, on the Xbox 360 installment of Madden you cannot play in co-op mode (while the Xbox and Gamecube versions offer 4 player co-op) but you can track your Madden career with the Madden Gamer Level, which you can't do on any other platform.

Upon digging further, I've discovered an alarming number of undocumented differences which haven't been mentioned anywhere else.

Xbox 360
Exclusive Features:
* Players with odd-numbered jerseys
* Two teams on the field at the same time
* Constantly streaming updates of real life player arrests (Requires subscription to Live Gold)

* 4th quarter of play
* Good/Evil alignment system dictated by Bioware-style branching dialogue
* Tackling

Playstation 2
Exclusive Features:
* The ability to choose plays
* Power-ups (extra armor, bullet-time, smaller hands, etc.)
* Accurately rendered allergic reactions

* Stadiums
* The game's box + manual
* All references to Satan as our true lord"

Exclusive GTA:IV Preview

"The stylish cinematics and pulse-pounding missions we've come to expect have returned, but this time they're new! Here's a sneak peek at some of the actual dialogue for one of your mission providers, a teenage hacker/gang leader voiced by Kevin Spacey.

Chapter Two - "Pain In The Glass"

Billingsley: Not bad, that pizza stunt should knock the Bitboys out of commission for good. By now you've probably heard that we're the biggest dealers of illegal stained glass in Maeba Prime, right? Well I need you to take this incredibly slow and dilapidated hovertruck full of very fragile stained glass in a clockwise lap around the entire city and then bring it back here. If there's a single scratch on that glass you will fail. Also, you will be escorting three robots who tend to run in separate directions from each other and knock into pretty anything they see, including your hovertruck full of fragile stained glass. If one of them wanders more than one block away from you, you will fail. If the cops see the large print on the side of the hovertruck that reads "ILLEGAL CARGO" and pull you over or touch your vehicle, you fail."

Console Wars 2006

"Microsoft Xbox 360:
Features: Custom-made PowerPC CPU designed by IBM with 3 separate processor cores nicknamed Curly, Larry, and Moe for their efficiency and performance.

Sony PlayStation 3:
At a Glance: The company that made video games mainstream, Sony's next-gen console is the only one powerful enough to contain all of Hideo Kojima's baffling Metal Gear storylines.

Nintendo Wii:
"It's basically a Gamecube with more ram and 100 percent more pointing." -Shigeru Miyamoto, Tokyo Game Show 2006"

Guitar Hero Redux, One Sentence Reviews

Barrow Hill(PC)
A horror adventure that's almost as scary as the Scary Movie series is funny, and almost as fun to play as it is scary. 3/10

Just Cause(Xbox 36)
The most realistic "jump your car off a cliff, open your parachute, fire a grappling hook into a helicopter and hijack it, bring the helicopter up as high as it will go, jump out and freefall at terminal velocity, then grab onto the tail of a jet plane with one hand" simulator you'll ever play. 7/10

Spyhunter: Nowhere To Run(PS2)
Nowhere to run but to the store for your refund, or to a mirror to try and watch your eyes roll after that horrible joke. 3/10

Ultimate Ghosts N' Goblins(PSP)
Being a knight in boxer shorts that fights ghosts sounds like a dream job at first, but no one ever thinks about the ghost-induced boners until it's too late. 8/10

The Oblivion Holiday Add-on Pack Preview

"Fans of the popular Oblivion computer game are buzzing upon news of a new holiday add-on pack which is slated for release next Summer. The add-on will cost $4.99 or 800 marketplace points on Xbox Live. Gamers can't wait to get their hands on this add-on, and you won't have to!

Something Awful, your leader in gaming exclusives, has hacked into Bethesda servers to bring you the first look at the quest line of this highly anticipated add-on pack. Bethesda is still at the top of their game because this new add-on quest is BUMPIN'."

NBA Live 2007 vs. NBA 2k7

"NBA 2k7: An improved IsoMotion system allows you to turn the ball over in at least 20 exciting new ways! Fuck that dribbling shit, I want to throw so many balls at the opposing team they’ll start to feel like like Clay Aiken’s chin!

NBA Live 2007: Real-life arena music drowns out that annoying shlurrp-ing sound your wallet makes when EA lubes it up and fucks you in it."

Battlefield 2142 Impressions, City of Heroes Patch

"NCsoft has released the "Good versus Evil" edition of City of Heroes and City of Villains, packaging both massively multiplayer superhero games in one box along with unique costume pieces and powers. To coincide with Good Versus Evil's launch, a number of bugs and gameplay elements have also been addressed.

- New archetype available, the Inviter. Able to randomly invite absolutely everyone he sees to join his party, repeatedly ask them for an explanation when they decline, then go into a rage if he doesn't like their excuse. Never actually gets a party together or leaves the beginners' area.

- Reworked combat system. Punches now do as much damage as three kicks, kicks do half the damage of ranged attacks, ranged attacks do as much damage as two hip thrusts (while simultaneously multiplying the damage of each kick by ten), and scissors beats everything."

Nerd Rage Countdown with A Virgin Nerd

"Lumines Live was finally released on the Xbox Live Marketplace today. The demo, which can be had for 1200 ($15) Microsoft Marketplace Points, can be upgraded to the full version by buying more content packs. Gamers, oblivious to the fact that the game costs upwards of $30 on other systems including the PSP and the PlayStation 2, are straining their keyboards to the limit registering their disgust on popular Microsoft shill site MajorNelson.com."

Neverwinter Nights 2 Primer

"How Dice Come Into Play:
The first thing you should know is that in Dungeons & Dragons, absolutely everything is decided by rolling dice. A twenty sided die is the standard, though there are exotic variations with anywhere up to one hundred sides. There is even a one-sided die that is used in rare circumstances, such as when a Dungeon Master rolls to determine whether or not he can get up to get a snack.

In a regular tabletop game, with each step your character takes must pass a roll of the dice in order to determine whether you have successfully taken a step or have slipped, tripped, or died of a brain aneurysm. You can imagine how long it would take just to walk into an olde inn and take a seat, or to tapdance for ale! This is why most D&D players are dedicated groups who meet every week for years and rarely make it past level 6.

How does this curious mechanic translate to Neverwinter Nights 2? Thanks to the magic of microprocessors, every time your character takes a step the computer automatically rolls the dice for you. It's all handled under the hood, freeing you up to manually roll for your character's more important actions, such as breathing and chewing."

US Department of Video Game Travel

"Gamers planning to travel to Spain should read Zombies and You, Basic Chainsaw Dodging Facts and Yes Goddammit Those Are Technically Zombies Stop Arguing With Me available on the Department of Video Games web site at http://videogames.state.gov"

SA Codelords

"This week we bring you one of the most talked-about games in recent memory: Rockstar's coming-of-age game Bully. This is a game that generated a great deal of controversy when it was first announced, but much of this controversy has turned out to be inaccurate speculation. The game is actually a story of one child's harrowing experience at school avoiding rather than becoming a bully. There is none of the racism, sex or bad language predicted by critics and only moderate violence and mayhem. Until now. We unleash Bully to its fullest potential with a series of eyebrow-raising Gamesharks. Parents just won't understand.

Excited Kids:
All children have perpetual erections including girls.
76098280 00000000
089B54A8 0CA57A0F

A Modest Preposition:
All spoken prepositions are replaced with a recording of a woman screaming a randomly-selected racial slur.
7602218CF0 00000000
089BH9A8 0BB57A0F "

Second Life Safari: The Safari Begins

"If you're like me, you often find yourself dissatisfied with "real life". Ejaculated from the birth canal with no control over our circumstances, from the very start our lives are but continuous testaments to the iniquities of economics and class. This is the Game of Life, and too often I find myself choking on the little plastic pieces.

Every day, we deal with injustice. Crime. Poverty. The fact that my high school civics teacher wouldn't accept a video of my World of Warcraft guild's jamboree as an example of direct democracy. Goddamn your icy heart, Ms. Witherspoon!

Fortunately for us, the invisible but perpetually masturbating hand of the free market has provided an avenue for escape by creating Second Life."

Gears of War Leaked Script

War... is hell...

A tear forms in Marcus' eye.

What the?! Are you crying?!

The beauty... destroyed.

Holy crap, he is crying. Jesus, this is awkward.

Marcus sniffles and tries to stifle his tears. Private Hanks stands up.

This is bullshit. Hey, guess what, THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!

Calm down, Hanks. Maybe he's just going through some stuff okay?

No, fuck this. The worst war the world has ever seen and they send this blubbering cocksucker to fight it? This squad is about real men who kick ass and chew bubblegum, and we're all out of gum! Anderson, where is the gum?!

I didn't have time to go to the store!

Fuck a duck!

Cue Gary Jules - Mad World as the helicopter flies into the distance. Fade out.

Cliffy note: Oh, this is gonna be so emotional... I'm getting a bit misty eyed already. Gotta stay strong though. The video game industry is counting on you Cliffy. Stay strong. Stay black."

Second Life Safari: Shiplog of the U.S.S. Prokofy

"Scotty found his way to a pole and began to examine it rather closely. With his groin. When I attempted to ascertain exactly where he had learned such unorthodox methods of empirical research, he merely smiled slightly and said, "I did some things in college I'm not particularly proud of.""

The Awful History of Final Fantasy: Part I:

"With the long lapses in release dates of Final Fantasy games from the Eastern Hemisphere to the Western Hemisphere (the best hemisphere), it’s surprising to see that part IV made it to American shores in less than a year. This is for one of two total reasons: 1.) New games were desperately needed to balance out the Super Nintendo's scarcity of launch titles (like Super Mario World and Please Keep Playing Super Mario World) and 2.) for the first time, a Final Fantasy game was translated not by a bilingual human, but by a Tandy TRS-80 hooked up to a lawnmower engine. The latter idea sped up the localization process, saved Square literally tens of yen, and is responsible for such classic lines as “You spoony bard!” and “r8m54PQqo20e51bj85Y37h8swmMPwmMm4o3sLJjo!” Today, “r8m54PQqo20e51bj85Y37h8swmMPwmMm4o3sLJjo” t-shirts are sold by the thousands at anime conventions."

Hidden Gamerpoint Achievements Revealed

"Gears Of War:
250 Gamerpoints - Play three games on Live without hearing someone ignore a screaming baby in the background, a twelve year old kid cursing to seem mature, or a single instance of the words "faggot" and "nigger"."

Marvel: Ultimate Alliance:
250 Gamerpoints - Figure out what Spider-Man's weblines stick to when he shoots them straight up outdoors.

Second Life Safari: Now biweekly!

"While Second Life is brimming with buffoonary, our time and creativity is a more limited commodity. We'd rather produce two high quality, high effort articles a month than four pieces of steaming shit, and this seems the best way to do it, other than making me stop writing. Good thing I stole Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka's soul and secured my lofty throne of Internet fame! NOW NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME."

How To Properly Camp Out For A Console

"Tip #7 - Know Thine Enemy
The enemy lurks among us. He takes on a thousand different forms and appears in a thousand lines, but he is singular in purpose. He is the eBay Asshole.

The eBay Asshole knows that consoles are difficult to get ahold of when they first come out, so he takes a spot from someone who actually wants one in order to sell the system on eBay for a profit. These heathens can be identified by their beady eyes, razor sharp talons, and a general indifference toward your argument that Mutant League Football was the most accurate representation of mutant sports to ever grace a console.

If you should spot an eBay Asshole, alert the authorities immediately. Do not attempt to apprehend him yourself, as the eBay Asshole is armed with the delusion that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing and your arms have basically"

I Base All Of My Purchases On Reader Reviews

"Playstation 3:

snoy wins again......woW!!
Reviewed By: J.K.
okay FIRST of all for thoes of u out ther who say the palystatin 3 is too expansive, cnosider this intriging fact. a huose costs way moe than a psthree and there are hundrads of houses in te world but the guy at Toys Are Us says there are only like 80 ps3rees MAX! toatal! that means the play3 should cost more than a house but ti actually costs slightley less. WHAT A DEAL THIS IS when you think abuot it!!! supafly and demand, folks. it is simple echonomics and you are raeping the rewards[

second the p3 didnt' rip off Nandtendo with its mutton sensing controllar. sony cam up with the idea years agoe but thye got so busy crating deep and thought pravoking comercials and makeing sure the ps3 had plenty of AAAA calibur titles at the systems lunch that they forgot to make the controlr or tell anybdy until two weeks before tis years E3

third of all (get it?(it is the ps THRE get the joke))?"

The Awful History of Final Fantasy: Part II

"After 10 Final Fantasy games, Square decided to mix things up a little. Looking at the game market around them, the company realized that MMORPGs, or endorphin-promoting money factories, would be the best format for a new Final Fantasy game. The unique gameplay style of “you buy this and we hold your fun hostage for over $10 a month” was a departure from the traditional Final Fantasy formula, though welcomed by many fans. Since the beginning of the series, RPG enthusiasts have proclaimed, “I enjoy running in circles, constantly getting in battles with different-colored versions of the same monsters over and over, but what’s with all of this other stuff like story, characters, and enjoyment?” Grinding, once a mandatory and hated activity, became the focus of FFXI, which still has hundreds of thousands of misguided subscribers."

Halo 3 Spoilers, Most Significant Moments In Gaming

"Continuing a transformation that began in the transition between Halo and Halo 2, Cortana will become increasingly sexy in every cutscene of Halo 3. By the game's end, she will be reduced to a hologram of a vagina that moans in ecstasy during your mission briefings."

Internet Time Machine 1988: Zelda II Reactions

"maybe i'll tell us the secret cheat code where zelda gets naked"

The Forgotten Releases

"We begin our look at the forgotten releases with Rafa Nadal Tennis for the Nintendo DS. Originally titled Rafa Nadal Tennis: Who the Heck is Rafa Nadal, the game has been through a long and tumultuous development history. The development team has seen many programmers come and go including former lead programmer Todd Fellows, who left after an argument about how hard the tennis ball should bounce on clay courts erupted into a fistfight. As security escorted a fuming Fellows out of Codemasters headquarters he said, "To hell with Codemasters! You people have lost your way! Tennis balls just don't bounce that hard and I'll be damned if I'm going to be on a team that thinks so!""

A Visual Tour Of The Burning Crusade

"After a long and perilous journey, Jerkstore finally came across some Draenei, the second new race introduced in the expansion. Though they are sworn enemies of the Horde, they set their differences aside long enough to dance for Jerkstore. I still can't believe they can do the robot."

Silent Hill 5 Exclusive Scoops!

"The radios, which played static in previous games when enemies approached, now play all of your favorite 80's tunes from Phil Collins to INXS.

Because of Konami's new in-game marketing plan, the main character will have "Big Mac™ attacks" in which the screen goes red for minutes at a time until he consumes a tasty Big Mac™.

All enemies will be replaced with young children trying to hug you (the children have AIDS)."

The High Cost Of Playing

"While playing Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, Jane Kimowitz was elated that one of the game's characters liked the thong bikini Jane had presented to her as a gift. So elated, in fact, that she fired a shotgun into the air, striking a ten year old boy who was using a trampoline to jump over her house at that exact moment. The boy's brand new bullet-proof pants were completely ruined.

Sam Higgins paid $650 for a PS3 and one fucking game."

Developers' Dream Games

"Warren Spector (System Shock, Thief, Deus Ex)
I'd make a game with so many choices for the player to make that no one would be able to leave the first room. You could do anything, from kicking down a door to seducing it or using magic on it so it's no longer a door but a plant or something. You could even open that door by using the doorknob. But before you even get to the door you need to decide how to walk. You could strut, or march, or hop on one foot, or crawl. It would be entirely up to you. You would choose the time period the game takes place in, what your character looks like and how many strands of hair he or she has, what other people look like and how they talk to you, and what the story of the game is. I want people to have so many decisions to make that they become intimidated to the point of freezing up in terror.

Also there'd be a dragon in there somewhere."

Lord Of The Rings Online Beta Patch Notes

"* After receiving volumes of feedback stating that the playable race of elves were "totally gay", we have tweaked them. Elves should now be "pretty gay".

* Added feet to all models. Thanks for catching that one!

* Guardian Class: Shields should now block incoming damage instead of amplifying it to the point that it blows your clothes off.

* Hunter Class: Added arrows to the game. It is no longer necessary to throw your bow at the enemy, then run back to town and buy a new one for the next fight."

The Japanese Version Was Way Better

"Shenmue (Dreamcast)

* No sailors.
* Twice as many questions about sailors.
* Forklift driving integrated into the fighting engine, making battles much easier."

Patrick Stewart: Voiceover Artist Extraordinaire

"Upon receiving my knighthood, I will issue an order that all video game companies shall comply with if they wish to avoid the wrath of the Queen. It will state that:

1. All software titles are to be pulled off store shelves immediately. A game cannot go back on sale until I have recorded dialogue for every single character in it.

2. I will not alter my voice to sound like the character I am portraying, even if it is a woman/monster/cowboy. People want the complete Stewartian Experience. Without it they will feel confused and frightened.

3. None shall enter the Forbidden Zone."

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Features That Didn't Quite Make It

Not only can you drive abandoned cars that you come across, but they will be incredibly realistic. You must keep an eye on your gas and oil levels, make sure the windshield wiper fluid is full, wiggle the handle if you want to roll down the passenger side window, and keep up-to-date insurance records.

You can press Shift to run."

Why the PlayStation 3 is the Dominant Home Entertainment Console

"My eyes have been opened by this wonderful video by a fellow named Chad Warden. In it he describes in expert detail why the PlayStation is the best and how only nancy boys and sailors play the Xbox 360 and Nintendo Wii. Because of these revelations I have fired all other writers and renamed my web site to "Chad Warden's Something Awful: Presented by Lowtax". I hope Chad's first update helps you realize the error of your ways as it did for me."

The Weirdest Mods Of All Time

"Doom Total Conversion For Doom II
Painstakingly replicates the entire campaign from the original Doom in the Doom II engine, which is in fact the original Doom engine.

Serious Sam Realism Mod
In an effort to bring the proper level of realism to Serious Sam, this mod makes the following changes:

* If you get hit once, you die.
* The enemies who hold their own screaming heads in their hands and blow themselves up have been completely redesigned. They now wear the correct regional attire.
* Instead of lugging around an impossibly large cache of guns, you only have two weapon slots. This means you can wield an XL2 laser gun while carrying a full-sized cannon that shoots uranium-filled cannonballs on your back, just like you would in real life.
* The 330 foot tall final boss now suffers from arthritis in his ankles, to more accurately portray the effects of Earth's gravity on a being of his stature."

MLB 2K7 Patch Notes For April 2

"Detroit Tigers

* Special wrist strap ensures players do not throw controller at television when announcer refers to a fastball as a "Kenny Rogers roaster."
* State bio no longer says "Canada took a shit here."
* Players allowed to distribute malt liquor and rent vouchers to crowd as a special promotion in Franchise Mode.
* Added "AND ALBERT PUJOLS" to graffiti on side of stadium saying "Fuck the auto industry.""

The Problem With Super Paper Mario

"Thus begins the adventure. After traveling no more than ten steps, you encounter the first power-up in a seemingly innocent question mark block: the Fire Flower. One press of a button later, and Mario is shooting a fireball out of his hand just like old times, only this time around his paper hand catches fire. In seconds the small blaze spreads into an inferno that engulfs and consumes the world's most beloved plumber."

Reflections On A Failing Game Console

"But when all your demographic does is get drunk, get high, and play Madden, they aren't going to work more hours to buy a video game system. They are going to work the minimum numbers of hours they have to in order to purchase marijuana, and if they happen to be able to afford a PlayStation 2 after that, then fine. Yeah, they're really itching to buy a PlayStation 3, when it's 150 bucks that is, including a copy of Madden. But they might be able to just get that off Torrentspy and convince their smart Asian friend to mod their system for them. Oh, it'll be hacked eventually, once there are some decent games to download."

The Case For...

"In the interest of unsmirching our besmirched image, Video Game Article will spotlight some of the worst games of all time over the next few weeks and compliment them, going so far as to make a case for each to be considered the greatest game ever made. When we're done defending these festering atrocities, no one will be able to mistake us for a negative website again.

Daikatana (PC)

* Ion Storm had the decency to realize Daikatana was an overly-delayed mess that would never live up to its own ridiculous hype. They released the game before things got too out of hand, at about the same time that Duke Nukem Forever was contemplating a switch to the Blood 2 engine.
* Thanks to this game, Stevie Case modeled for that cover of PC Accelerator.
* Raised awareness for the growing epidemic of AI characters that get stuck against walls and blades of grass. To this day it still happens in most games, but at least people are more aware of it now."

Pro-Gamer Guide: Lord Of The Rings Online


As in all games, performance is the most important factor to keep in mind. You want as many frames per second as possible because that equals more chances to win the game per second. What's the point of being able to see what's going on if it slows your framerate to 129 fps?

Before you get started, go into the settings menu and make the following adjustments:

Resolution: 320 x 200
Color Palette: 2 (black and white)
Textures: None
Details: No thanks
Sound: Disable everything but the noises made by your enemies, then go into the game directory and replace those with wav files of alarms going off.

With a top of the line gaming rig and these settings you should average at least 300 fps, which is a little low but acceptable."

Say Goodbye to Those Flashing Red Lights of Death Forever!

"Apparently the Xbox-Scene nerds, who are enthusiasts or pirates depending on who you ask, have hypothesized that the heat generated during normal operation causes the motherboard to warp and because of pressure put on the motherboard by the heatsink clamp, the whole thing bends, severing the physical connections between the GPU, the CPU, and the mainboard.

Now I don't know what the hell any of that means. All all I know is that I can't play Viva Pinata right now, possibly because of it. If it is true, that means people who take better care for their console will be in a worse position than gamers who treat their console like they do their bodies."

Blizzard's Big Announcement

"Blizzard posted a mysterious countdown on their website to generate publicity for the announcement of a new game this Saturday. Against all odds, it worked. This week the internet has been a hotbed of speculation and arguments, breaking its long-standing reputation for patience and level-headed discussion. Is Starcraft 2 or Diablo 3 in the works? Or maybe a new MMO set in either universe? Is it okay to stand at the foot of my sister's bed and watch her sleep? The internet needs to know."

Duke Nukem Forever Screenshot Roundup

"How many graphic designers did it take to slap a pig's head on the body of a Locust grunt from Gears Of War? Will every level be a featureless black box with one enemy so the game can run at a reasonable framerate while displaying all the perfectly shaded bump-mapped pig veins that gamers demand?"

Shadowrun Patch Notes

"A new patch has been released for both the PC and Xbox 360 releases of this futuristic team-based shooter. The main intent of this update is to level the playing field between the two platforms as much as possible by compensating for people using mice and keyboards against opponents using controllers, but a few minor bug fixes have been included as well.

# To further penalize PC gamers who have the unfair advantage of playing with a mouse, they will no longer be able to use a crosshair, mouselook, or weapons.
# Xbox 360 players have the option of winning a match by holding down all four shoulder buttons at the beginning of the round."

How Mahunt 2 Got The 'Adults Only' Rating

"According to Rockstar Games, the single point of contention is an unassuming household item that's probably within your arm's reach right now.

"There's this ballpoint pen that the player wields at one point in the game during the Amputee Open Wound Bukkake level," said Anonymous Source, one of the game's artists who was more than happy to speak openly and let us print his name."

Things You'll Never Overhear At...

"Electronic Arts - "I don't feel comfortable using microtransactions to make our customers pay for this. It should have been included with the game in the first place, and I have enough respect for our customers to assume they'd know that."

Nintendo - "Another peripheral? Nah. Let's figure out this wacky 'online play' thing first.""

E3 2007 News Roundup!

"However, it must be said that there was one genuinely good piece of news to come out of E3. At the Nintendo press conference Super Mario Galaxy was given a release date. No, it's not the news about a release date that will ultimately be changed anyway, but what Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime said.

I don't know how else to put it. This game is over the top. This is the first worthy successor to Mario 64.

Finally, confirmation from a Nintendo executive that Super Mario Sunshine was a giant piece of shit. It's like Christmas in July. Truly this was the best E3 ever."
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Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act I) - Useful Additions

"On March 20th of 2006, Bethesda Softworks released The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion to great critical and sales success. Players were transported to the Imperial province of Cyrodiil to explore a lush and gigantic world and live out their fantasies of watching dead bodies roll down hills. Oblivion also shipped with a powerful editing tool and the built-in ability to accept "plug-ins" that would allow fans to alter or add content to the game"

Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act II) - Erotic Fun for Adult Children

"Last week we launched this series by exploring some of the useful additions to gameplay available in fan-made mods. This week we take a long and painful look at mods that focus on friendship and sex. Mostly sex. This article is not recommended for sensitive readers."

True Griefing Tales

"Company Of Heroes
My brother and I were playing against each other, as we do every Wednesday night. He lives in Canada and I'm in Miami, so it's nice to run each other over with tanks instead of talking on the phone or some stupid shit.

One night we were on the Semois map when I employed a new strategy. After building a few defensive positions and scattering my men all across the map so they'd take forever to find, I took a photo from my brother's wedding into the bathroom and jerked off to his wife."

Oblivion's Wonderful Legacy (Act III) - Turning_Japanese.esp

"We began our journey through the horrible mods available for Bethesda's Oblivion about two weeks ago. In our first installment we looked at a collection of useful additions to Oblivion ranging from various beards and mustaches all the way up to hover bikes and Master Chief. In the second installment we took a long and painful look at the myriad sex-related mods available for Oblivion. Today, our journey concludes with a trip to the darkest corners of the Internet, where inscrutable Japanese modders have created some of the strangest and least useful mods available for the game."

Tequila Time

"A group of men emerge from the back doors of seedy apartment buildings and restaurants on either side of me. My experience as a hardened cop tells me that they're bad guys. It's all in their wolf-like expressions, the way they carry themselves, and the guns they're using to shoot at me"

The Many Wonderful Worlds Of Mass Effect

"Planet 42-518P-111
Location: Milky Way / Perseus Cluster / Caleston System

This fascinating planet has not been officially named because no explorers have dared to tread upon its superheated surface. Be the first to brave the harsh climate and you'll be rewarded for your efforts with a Treasure Box containing a Rock that can be sold on the open market for 1 space dollar."

The Simcity Board of Advisors

"As fire marshal, I think someone ought to put out all these fires I keep hearing about on the radio."

We've got BioShock fever!

"To shamelessly capitalize on the release of BioShock we've put together no less than three articles on one of the first ever first person shooters to not be about World War II."

Understanding Big Daddy's Popularity

"This cross between an ED-209 and the little old-timey scuba diver figure you put in your goldfish's tank lumbers throughout the ruins of Rapture, protecting his little sister as she sticks needles into dead people (the utopian alternative to hopscotch). He's big, doesn't attack the player unless provoked, and... that's about it. So why has the Big Daddy gone over so well?"

Rapture Standard Classified Ads

"Rapture, the world's most inspiring monument to the unchained and unfettered potential of Man's Will, is served by a number of newspapers, including the Rapture Standard and the Rapture Tribune. Like all respectable rags, these two titans feature classified ads helping the free residents of this great underwater free market city buy, sell, and trade without any interference from government parasites. These are some of those classified ads."

Peter Molyneux And The Fable 2 Stealth Hype Scooter

"You can have a dog as a companion, but he will be so much more than a normal pet. He will, for instance, bark when you least expect it.

Sometimes I forget that the dog is just a character in the game and I buy dog food when I go grocery shopping! Sometimes when the dog barks, I think that maybe he's the closest friend I will ever have. Sometimes I regret the decision to code dog cancer into the game."

The Asshole Physics Manifesto

"It's been almost four years since Lowtax coined the term "Asshole Physics" and wrote about it in an October 2003 update. Since then a few games have come along that have given you a chance to be a complete asshole such as Half-Life 2, Oblivion and not much else. Despite exposure on this web site and that dummy site that used to steal SA's content and put Adult Friend Finder ads above it, Asshole Physics hasn't really caught on."

Guides For Games I Haven't Played: Team Fortress 2

"Team Fortress 2 is an online team-based shooter with nine distinct classes and snazziest art direction in an FPS to date. Beyond that, I really have no clue what's going on."

Suicide By Video Game

"2:40 A.M. Thursday
Load up Peggle and attempt to complete the 750,000 points in one level challenge, which is a lot like dropping a quarter from a space shuttle orbiting the Earth and getting it to land on a saucer floating in a stormy sea without breaking it, with the coin standing perfectly on its side."

The Longest Day of My Half-Life

"3:45 p.m. - Wake up and see that Valve has not released the Orange Box early. Figures! God knows it would be too difficult for them to stop toying with their fans and actually do something right for once."

Endangered Series: Tony Hawk

"The Tony Hawk series kicked off with two fantastic games, but for the past seven years it has tucked in protectively and let the momentum carry it downhill. Sorry about that, I need a lame opening analogy on my resume or I'll never get a gig at a game magazine."

Street Fighter 4 First Look

"Now that Street Fighter 4 has officially been announced, I'm finally able to share the sprite work and inside information that my friend in Capcom's art department has been sending my way for months. I've been dying to share this stuff with you guys, so let's jump right in!"

Video Game Rental Instructions

"In this game you play a short man who is looking for something on the right side of the screen..."

When There Is No Room In Hellgate, The Dead Shall Inhabit The Bargain Bin

"Elite and Nightmare Elite modes, which test your ability to play through the same monotonous game all over again, this time with monsters that take ten times longer to kill. Hell yeah! Or perhaps I should say Hellgate: Yeah! Also, Nightmare Elite is literally impossible to beat at the current level cap of 50. Keep trying, though!"

Super Mario Trivia

"Did you know...
That the Mushroom Kingdom is modeled after the real city of Detroit, Michigan? When Shigeru Miyamoto visited the town as a small child, he was fascinated by the building-sized mushrooms that dotted the pristine landscape and the city's lax turtle leash laws."

Ass Effect

Mission Briefings from Hell: Operation Glorious Pegasus

"You are to provide air cover for the royal family as they proceed southwest towards the evacuation point to Canatania. You will be heavily outnumbered, so your wingman will assist you by flying nearby and yelling over the radio every time you shoot a missile."

Ass Effect - The Legend Continues

Holiday Gift Guide

"The holidays are a great time to buy the gamer in your life a Christmas or Hanukkah gift. Choosing the perfect gift for the gamer in your life can be difficult, so we put together a holiday gift guide with the hottest gifts that will make the gamer in your life "Quake"... not from "F.E.A.R.", but joy! And that's no "Fable"! "Duke Nukem Forever"!"

My Quest for a Wii

"All over the world people are traveling over deserts, mountains, and by sea in a vain attempt to find this year's hot Christmas toy, the Nintendo Wii. I tried to play it cool and pretend I didn't want one, telling myself that the Wii is for babies. I could only hold out for so long before the hype consumed my soul and soon I too was out looking for a Wii."

Overanalyzing The Duke Nukem Forever Teaser

"Although 3D Realms attempted to lower fans' expectations by warning that the Duke Nukem teaser would be very short, the video still managed to blow everyone away with its rich, painstakingly crafted layers of disappointment. If you haven't already done so, grab the teaser and read along as we dissect the disaster frame by frame."

The Gerstmann Quandary

"Jeff Gerstmann worked at Gamespot for over a decade before being locked out of his office last week - a subtle hint that his services were no longer needed. Jeff's attempts to gain entry with the red and yellow keycards he plucked from their respective pedestals in the building's lobby proved to be a waste of time, as was the mustache he made by applying glue to the bottom of a fence to collect hair from a passing cat."

Mega Man Box Art: The Legend Continues

"Nearly everything in the image suggests that instead of playing or at least seeing the game firsthand, the artist was given a few vague details and told to "have at it with some watercolors for half an hour". Note how Mega Man's arm cannon has been replaced with a generic handgun, clasped in a hand that appears to be horribly broken. Reflect upon the look of sly constipation on Mega Man's forty five year old face. His body - clad in an oddly colored uniform - appears to be in the middle of M.C. Hammer's signature dance move. Then there's the burning skyline of a futuristic Hawaii, only accessible via giant floating golden cufflnks."

Team Fortress 2 Achievements Anyone Can Get

Gamecock's Agenda For 2008

Hunter S. Thompson Files His Belated Report on the 2007 Spike Video Game Awards

"If you listen with the right ears you can actually hear the crack as the icebergs splinter and drift in 6 billion different directions, bumping and reforming into a million pixilated shapes like - holy shit, Bioshock just won game of the year! Holy fucking shit, the Spike TV awards actually have some integrity after all!"

Highlights From The Game Developers Conference

"The PC market is not dying," said a defiant Randy Stude as he brushed chalky bits of rubble from his uniform. The president of the newly-announced PC Gaming Alliance then placed his gloved hands on his hips and propped one foot up on a boulder as he surveyed the horizon. His chest muscles bulged in the light of the dawn like meat-filled balloons."

A Visit to the Super Smash Bros. Gym

"Hello Gamers,

As overseer of this game, it is my theme to give the player "a special feeling." I have experienced much of "a special feeling" in the designing of this game, so I say why should you not as well? Over the following months, I will drip slowly to you informations about my game. Please anticipate it greatly."

The Unofficial Homie Rollerz Strategy Guide

"Mac Daddy

Sporting a unique look that screams "I'm an individual that refuses to be grouped in with broad stereotypes", Mac Daddy has an afro, gaudy jewelry, a pimp cup, and a superfluous cane. He makes the perfect choice for skilled players who have never personally come into contact with someone of another race."

Breaking Sims 3 News

"It's official: Maxis is hard at work on Sims 3, the next major step forward in the greatest selling PC game series of all time. While a ton of details have been revealed through various interviews with major gaming publications and PC Gamer, a few really caught our eye.

* The entire neighborhood ages along with the household that you're playing. Instead of being surrounded by the asshole neighbors that time forgot, you are now constantly reminded that we are all temporary meatbags that begin rotting away the moment we're born."

FREE World Of Warcraft!

"Welcome here, we're the keepers of the secret of the ancient keepers and now it can be yours. Get all that free WORLD OF WARCRAFT whole game download, free subscription, free gold, and that's about it.

Do it fast before you think about it or it will probably be too late for this exciting opportunity. Do you want to let this pass by and tell your grandchildren one day that you didn't jump at chance to play free MMO RPG WOW for months and months at a time? Think of your legacy and you know what's gotta be done.

As the saying says, don't spend money when you can milk a cow and play WORLD OF WARCRAFT for free."

Enchanted Eternia Legend: Full Cutscene Script

Grand Theft Auto: A Retrospective

"The other day MY GIRLFRIEND asked me, "What is it about Grand Theft Auto IV that makes so many people excited for it?" and I told her, "Well, it has a four at the end of the title."

The Many Failed Careers Of Slippy Toad

Grand Theft Asshole

"In Liberty City the roads are not only paved with gold, but a layer of butter has also been liberally applied and Japanese men were lined up along the sidewalk and ordered to bukkake into the street. Steering is an exercise in frustration as you must now slow to a crawl in order to navigate turns. Hitting a light pole, other cars, or oxygen molecules at even the slowest of speeds will send you spinning wildly into trees that fade into existence right before your eyes."

Jack Thompson Reviews Grand Theft Auto IV

"To survive the mean streets, Niko must break into vehicles and steal them. Sometimes these vehicles are occupied by families traveling to church. As Niko grabs the helpless driver, you can hear the man plead, "please do not hurt my wife and children, they are the love of my life," to which your character replies "now they are the love of my KNIFE" and begins violently stabbing them as bonus points fly out of their exposed chest cavity. None of the game's drivable vehicles allow you to signal turns or activate the emergency brake when parking on hills."

Patch Notes: Age Of Conan

* Disabled the "La Cucaracha" car horn that blared when players pressed the H key."

Highlights From Gamespot's User Soapbox

"The feature is a result of Gamespot's effort to conform to Web 2.0 standards, which dictate that all websites that must incorporate some form of user-created content that no one cares about aside from the people who create said content. Readers post overwrought pseudo-intellectual bullshit in their blogs, and the website selects a few entries to run on a tiny section of the front page which Gamespot would prefer to use as adspace for Axe Body Spray."

Patch Notes: Grand Theft Auto IV

- Attempting to aim a gun at an enemy that's closer than ten feet away will result in Niko saving time for everyone involved by shooting himself in the face"

Hodor's Quality Video Game Weapon Replicas

"Our high quality replicas will wow you with amazement and puzzle you because how can someone craft these fantastical items so expertly? An interesting puzzle, indeed. Each item is made from the finest materials this side of Mordor (as seen in Lord Of The Rings Online) and is guaranteed to be so lifellike you'll swear you're in the Matrix (as seen in The Matrix Online) with a computer showing things to your brain that can't possibly be real."

True Gaming Challenges

"Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points

Explain the game's plot in its entirety to a third party without going "uh.." or scratching your head. Then take about ten seconds to describe what's enjoyable about the gameplay. If they actually want to play the game after this challenge is completed, give yourself 50 additional True Gaming Challenge points."

The Arthouse of Horrors - Retro PC Game Covers

"We solemnly hang the worst of these in the Art House of Horrors and attempt to decipher the game behind the cover."

The Best And Worst Of Sporepedia

"This week saw the release of the Spore Creature Creator, a nifty toolset that lets you craft all sorts of stupid abominations using many of the assets that will be in Will Wright's upcoming amoeba-to-universal-conquest life sim. You can even save your critters so they can be imported into Spore, which should finally be released as soon as EA and Maxis settle on which features to cut then include in an inevitable expansion."

The Best of the Spore Creature Creator

"We are Something Awful are hoping our sponsors won't realize this is just an excuse to show lots of pictures of alien dicks, so please pretend there is some artistic merit to the following creations."

A Moratorium On Bad Features - Part 1

"Japanese Plots

Let me get this straight, video game: The main character has amnesia as the result of a very recent experiment that made him immortal. He is also several thousand years old. Also, he can be killed even though he is immortal. Also, it turns out that this isn't the present, but the future, and the world is really Heaven. Now he's going to fight a half-ape half-zeppelin to prevent it from stealing a crystal that, if destroyed, would erase the emotion we know as "love" as well as anyone named Tim. Also, the crystal is the real Earth and it turns out the main character is just the physical embodiment of a dead vampire's memory but everything else is totally real.

Do I pinch myself to wake up from this bullshit or just... oh yes, there's the power button."

The Internet Hates Diablo III

"When Blizzard unveiled Diablo III earlier this week, it didn't come as much of a surprise to anyone. Well, there was one guy who thought Starcraft 3 was being developed alongside Starcraft 2 with a projected release date of one week prior to the release of the game it was following, but no one has taken Cliffy B. seriously since he predicted that Mario would never appear in another video game after Super Mario Sunshine."

More Spore: Creature Creator Part 2

"A few weeks ago, the Spore Creature Creator was unleashed on the internet, and since that time an incredible number of creations have appeared online."

Defending Your Extra Life

"There shall come a time when each and every one of us will pass from this world to stand before Denis Dyack, who sits in judgment of all souls who play, develop, or write about video games. When he cracks open the Prima strategy guide of your time on Earth, the actions you have taken will determine whether you are granted entrance to video game heaven or doomed to an eternity with N-Gage ports of Superman 64 and Bad Day L.A."

The Complete Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition Player's Handbook

"Are You Prepared... For An Adventure Beyond Preparation?

You are now holding the 4th edition ruleset of Dungeons & Dragons, a streamlined reimagining of the world's premiere fantasy roleplaying game.

We have stripped away many confusing and arcane elements that bloated D&D over the years. What is left, we feel, is a bold and thrilling adventure that can be understood and enjoyed by players who have never heard the words "roleplaying game" before, and some who have."

The Arthouse of Horrors - PC Game Covers 2

"We solemnly hang the worst of these in the Art House of Horrors and attempt to decipher the game behind the cover."

Nintendo Power: The Lost Pages

The Complete History Of Video Games

Sega announces its plans to stop producing hardware altogether, choosing instead to focus on completely destroying its credibility as a software developer."

Super Hornio Brothers

"In 1993, adult film director Buck Adams had a dream. In the glowing pixels of Nintendo's classic Super Mario Brothers he saw the potential for untold eroticism. He sought to break free the shackles of 8-bits and embark on a journey of sensual pleasures for Mario and his friends. The sort of sensual pleasures that might be recorded with a video camera and then distributed on VHS tapes."

Aerosmith Must Die

"Aerosmith released its self-titled debut 35 years ago, and this resilient cockroach of a bar band celebrated the anniversary by unveiling its own installment of Guitar Hero in late June. "This is the future," guitarist Joe Perry told Game Informer. What's frustrating about this appalling development is that Aerosmith's members should be mired in the grave -- professionally, and in some cases literally."

Video Game Cosplay Highlights From Comic Con

"Nerds are drawn to Comic Con every year like nerdy moths to a glowing lightsaber. As the convention continually grows larger, the outfits displayed by cosplayers grow more elaborate. In turn, our country becomes more deserving of the hatred of people in third world countries who can't afford to buy AIDS-free loincloths, much less a fully-functional Iron Man suit with a custom built 52-inch waist."

Denis Dyack's Many Concerns

"Who's Denis Dyack? Picture Derek Smart with delusions of grandeur, his seething hatred for vending machines redirected at the gaming press.

As the release of Too Human draws near, the outspoken president of Silicon Knights (a game studio, not the medievel jousting restaurant run by Hooters' management) has expressed concerns about how his totally awesome game will forever change the town in which it was developed"

Game Reviews In Men's Magazines

"Find out which games you can play in front of chicks and other dudes without getting laughed at"

The Diary of Andy Frankle

"Our last argument before my departure was about Spore, the future game of the year. I calmly listed all the reasons why I wanted to take a semester off, but she did not understand the importance of the game. She said many mean things that I do not want to rewrite, and she threatened to discontinue paying my rent if I do not enroll. I refused to budge and now I spend my days behind a fake wall in my pantry. I will not back down."


"My cold and bitter heart has been warmed - not by love or the sight of a panda nursing a human baby, but by a ten foot tall orc with a cockney accent volunteering to be loaded in a catapult and flung toward the broadside of a distant fortress."

Undocumented Powers In Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

"Star Wars: The Force Unleashed bills itself as the forciest Star Wars game to date (runner up: Yoda's Desktop Adventures). You take on the role of Galen "Starkiller" Marek, Darth Vader's secret apprentice and force-sensitive equivalent of a Harlem Globetrotter with a repertoire of powers so extensive that the developers ran out of feasible button combinations to execute them."


The Big, Stupid Fall Release Guide

"Resistance 2:

About: World War 2 has been done a billion times. How can we make a war game that's different from anything you've ever played? Add aliens! Let's make that shit even more unique by presuming that everyone will want a sequel before we start working on the first game!

Why It's Anticipated: People want to make sure that playing an FPS with the Playstation 2's controller is as awkward and unpleasant as they remember."

Bionic Commando

How To Get A Nintendo Seal Of Quality

Gears Of War

Patch Notes: Fallout 3

"This patch marks the first post-release update to the best post-apocalyptic adventure of the post-2007 year. We hope the following bug fixes and gameplay changes will greatly enhance your experience with Fallout 3. Thanks for buying our game - may all your cells remain mutation-free and may the bottlecaps flow like whichever liquids they were meant to hold in place!"

The NPC Life Expectancy Quiz

"+ 10 Hours - Don't mind me! I'm just here in the bleachers, repeating the same stupid cheering motion and generally being blurry as fuck."


Left 4 Dead Demo Guide 4 You

"A helicopter buzzes the rooftop, broadcasting a pre-recorded message instructing survivors to make their way to a nearby hospital for rescue. I would have added instructions for non-survivors to make their way into a nearby furnace for free human flesh, but that's just me."


Game Store Horror Stories

"You'd think that people who willingly classify themselves as gamers would rank "playing video games" at the top of their list of fun activities, but it falls somewhere behind gettin' mad about video games on internet forums, building impossible-to-meet expectations, and bitching about video game stores."

50 Cent: Blood In The Sand

You Can't Go Home Again

"If you plan to use Home to "meet, chat, plan, and launch into games together" then you will have one more step to go through after being presented with the XMB and installing any software updates before you can get into your game of choice. I'm not really sure why you couldn't just do this from a friends list within a game."

Duke Nukem 3D

Year-End Awards Special

"While poignant, this might depress readers at a time when they should be tremendously excited about being told which games they played were the best by a group of strangers."


Top 15 Ways To Pander To Digg

- Top 3,000 Screenshots Of Street Fighter IV That Have Been Released In The Last Month
- 5 Xbox Live Arcade Games You Can Beat While Waiting For Your PS3 To Complete Its Software Update

Double Dragon

Memorable Dialogue: Ice Hockey

The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past

Patch Notes: Dawn Of War II

"- In addition to particle effects, added quark effects which cannot be seen even at the highest zoom level. We might have also implemented dark matter effects, but that's difficult to prove or disprove."

Bill Gates: A Man Of Many Jars

"With professional actor-turned movie star The Rock at his side, Bill Gates unveils the Xbox to the public. The presentation goes along without a hitch for the first fiteen minutes - then it gets a little weird."

Peggle Nights

Memorable Dialogue: Root Beer Tapper

Arch Rivals

Beta Living Through Feedback

"As the writer of a video game article so popular it actually shows up as the second result in a Google search for "Video Game Article", my opinions are something of a hot commodity. Not a day goes by without a beta test invite from a game designer breathlessly awaiting insights and sagely advice that will turn even the dullest of turds into glistening piles of pungent success."

That Gumball Sort Of Looks Like Kirby

"One Sentence Reviews:
Finally, a game that reminds mature gamers that the Wii is capable of showcasing titles that would be much better in HD. 8/10"

The Simcity Board of Advisors Return

Memorable Dialogue: Mike Tyson's Punch Out!

The Original Cast Of Half-Life

"The central figure in the most revered FPS series of all time is the exact opposite of the sort of sneering, musclebound marine you would expect, and we wouldn't have it any other way."

Wizard Of The Realm

The world's first Massively Multiplayer Single Character Role Playing Game!"

Exclusive: Screen Shots from the Final Build of Duke Nukem Forever

"It's always been time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, but the character of Duke has changed and evolved over almost three decades and eleven titles."

News & Views For May 16th

"I'm sure there will be plenty of outlets beating this dead horse for a few more cheap laughs. Lots of timelines detailing the things that have happened since Duke Nukem Forever was first announced. A few "...and I'm all out of funding!" one-liners. Maybe a drawing of Duke with a mustache and devil horns by an unemployed Demetri Martin as he struggles to find a style of humor that isn't Mitch Hedberg's."

Sims 3 First Impressions, inFAMOUS Sequel Ideas

"Powers That Should Be In The inFAMOUS Sequel

Electricity is the solution to every problem you encounter in inFAMOUS which cannot be resolved through the use of random capitalization."

Virtual Indecent Maid 4 English F.A.Q.


Here, you choose from a list of personality archetypes, each representing a different kind of girl to interact with.

Tomboys are motivated by auto repair. Talk to them about this and they will be your forever maid. Sometimes after being touched, tomboys nod until the game crashes with a nod_overflow error.

Will do anything for you except stop crying. The most popular personality type."

A Week in the Life of The Sims 3

"The Sims 3 is the latest standalone expansion for The Sims 2 from Maxis and EA. It includes many new features: a major overhaul of the graphics engine, AI improvements, a more robust home-builder, and an elaborate upgrade to the interaction menus. It is so much better than The Sims 2 it almost had me fooled into believing this was an entirely new game. Ah, well, that's not possible."

How to Build Your Own PC

E3: Interview with a Guy Whose Uncle Works for Nintendo

"Something Awful has never been known as a gaming site, so imagine our shock when we scored the gaming journo coup of a lifetime: an almost-direct line to a highly-placed insider within the most inscrutable edifice in the video game industry! How did we come upon this goldmine of information? Well, let's just say a close friend of ours has an uncle who works at Nintendo, and he's ready to spill it all."

The Weekend Web: World of Warcraft

"I'm sure it comes as no surprise to any of you that the World of Warcraft forums are a place where jokes go to die. Just the other day, I saw a Chuck Norris joke over there. A Chuck Norris joke! It's fucking 2009 yo, that shit is unacceptable! With 11 million subscribers, I understand that there are gonna be a few bad apples, but this shit right here, this is every single apple dipped in shit and covered with AIDS."

Alex Mercer, Prototypical Dick

"One Sentence Reviews:
Wii - Help Wanted: 50 Wacky Jobs!
Jobs #1-49: figure out when the Wii's software will live up to the platform's potential, job #50: tie a rope around your neck and genetalia and kill yourself. 5/10"

Deep Within Windows 7's Help Database

Maxim Letters: July 2009

"This note is to inform you that Electronic Gaming Monthly has ceased publishing with the January 2009 issue. The balance of your paid subscription will be fulfilled with Maxim. Think of it as a Hot Coffee mod for your magazine! You'll still get quality game reviews, but Maxim packs every issue with something that might be unfamiliar to gamers -- real women! We kid because we love, you crazy nerds!"

The Super Hornio Brothers Saga

"At a Glance: Squeegie Hornio (Ron Jeremy) is a computer programmer working on a popular video game when a power surge sucks him and his brother Ornio Hornio (a virtually incoherent T.T. Boy) into "the black void that exists inside a computer monitor when the computer is turned off." This leads to a confrontation with the unhealthily sweaty King Pooper (Buck Adams, who has forgotten to bring his inside voice) and a series of sexual encounters with women who appear semi-tranquilized."

Ten Minutes With ArmA 2

"I've never played the original ArmA. I don't even know what the title means, but I'm pretty sure it's short for Armed Army. (EDIT: A helpful reader corrected me, it's an abbreviation of "Arm A")"

Essential Fallout 3 Mods

"Alfred's Content Overload

Places all conent from mods that contain anime, nudity, and Warhammer into one in-game warehouse, which can be detonated with a nuclear bomb as an optional quest in Megaton."

A Chat With Star Wars: The Old Republic's Lead Creative Producer

"Something Awful: No lightsabers, wait. Will there be Jedi?

Dr. Stephen Banner: God no. If you give people the choice, everyone will be a Jedi. The closest class we have (and this is the exclusive that I promised you) is the Midichlorian Tinkerer, which is essentially a scientist that uses four miniature droids, each of which harnesses one aspect of what is known as the Force."

I Have An Idea For A Game

"One Sentence Reviews:
Wii Sports Resort - Replaces Wii Sports as That Game You Take Out Of Your Wii's Drive Every Few Months To Make Room For A New Game. 8/10"

Randomizin' Guns With Borderlands

"Randy Pitchford has boasted that his first-person rpg Borderlands (think Diablo meets Quake, then try to forget Hellgate: London) will feature somewhere around one billion guns, give or take a few infinity plus ones. This works out to roughly 1,500 guns per bullet that the average player will come across, making the "throw gun" button an invaluable addition to the game."

Tim Schafer Talks Brutal Legend

"EA almost tricked me. I went to the Onyx Bar for an interview with Tim Schafer, creator of Brutal Legend and found nothing but Wii games on display. I spent the better part of an hour waggling remotes and trying to find polite ways to talk about the horrible Wii graphics while I waited for Tim to show up."

They're Still Making EverQuest Expansions

"Here I am, though, looking at a press release for an upcoming expansion called "Underfoot". This is frightening for two reasons. First, the title is obviously pandering to people who fantasize about getting crushed by 60-foot tall superheroes. Second, this will be the SIXTEENTH expansion for EverQuest."

Great Ideas From Nintendo Fans

"What would you like to see in the next Mario Kart game?

"A powerup that turns the rider into a kart sitting atop the kart he or she is driving, effectively doubling their speed."

"You know how Double Dash let two characters ride on a kart? Up the ante by adding an extra rearview mirror.""

Cut Features from The Beatles: Rock Band

"- Special Hard Day's Night stealth levels in which the band must inexplicably hide inside phone booths, photo booths, and behind newspapers to escape the throngs of attractive and horny teenage girls that want to have amazing sex with them."

Street Fighter the Storytelling Game Core Rulebook

"Steve: I would date the heck out of Cammy. I bet she could teach me karate moves and then take out her boobs.

Steve: And her boobs would be amazing. Like the second or third best in the world ever.

Zack: She always reminded me of an R. Crumb character someone injected with steroids. Her and that thunder thighs Chun-Li. Do you think she could still kick ass without a head?
Steve: Where would you put the beret?

Zack: I'm sure we could come up with somewhere comically misogynistic."
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Sorry, But Batman: Arkham Asylum Is NOT Realistic

"One Sentence Reviews:

So you write what you want and watch it come to life... hold on while I try "side-scrolling Mario game without control gimmicks on an HD Nintendo system". 8/10"

Street Fighter: Contenders (The Street Fighter Monster Manual)

"Steve: Hell yeah, now we're talking. Let's get some curves in here!

Zack: Project GX-9 will produce the perfect super soldier incorporating all of the qualities of the world's deadliest fighters: speed, stamina, strength, and double F cup hooters.

Steve: You've got to admit, it was a pretty smart move making her legs twice as long as her body and head combined.

Zack: She looks like that walker from Return of the Jedi dressed up in drag.

Steve: Are you referring to the AT-ST?

Zack: [Inaudible whisper]

Steve: Hm, I have two Wikipedia pages you need to see."

Lines From BioWare's Next Trailer

"After the latest round of trailers for Dragon Age and Mass Effect 2, however, I'm a little worried. It's not the misappropriation of Marilyn Manson music, or the awkward sex, or the silly EXTREME tone that the marketing assholes cribbed from the first run of Rob Liefeld's Youngblood. The problem is horrendous dialogue that actually seems to be taken from the games, such as:

"Now who's the badass biotic, bitch?""

2010's Most Promising Bullshit Indie Games

"The last few years have been good for independent games and incredible for bullshit indie games. If you can combine a slightly altered version of fl0w's visual style with a gameplay mechanic from another game you didn't make, you're golden. Incorporate some vague symbolism and/or text that tries way too hard to be clever and you're this week's game of the year."

Public Domain Games

"Dante's Inferno isn't anywhere near release, but rumor has it that Visceral is already preparing to make another game based on another story they won't have to pay for, Jack The Ripper. Unconfirmed reports point to Jack (the dude that killed actual people in real life) being the hero of the game, and for a bullet-time mechanic to be featured. Again, naturally."

Brutal Legend Uncredited Track Listing

"There are over 100 songs by 75 bands featured in Brutal Legend, Tim Schafer's love song to heavy metal songs which has gotten so much good press that it's not likely to be his swan song.

Oh my. I actually wrote that. It's staying. I have to punish myself or I'll never learn."

The Descent

"Josh says to heck with the surface world! He's headin' underground to start anew in CaveLife!

Josh just installed CaveLife, the fun new game where you get your own virtual cave to personalize with awesome stalagmites that represent you!"

The Worst Console-to-PC Ports

"When Grand Theft Auto 3: Vice City was finally released, it seemed like everything you could hope for in a PC port. The textures were a little sharper, the draw distance was a little longer, and the aiming was more accurate. It was only when the first players reached the ending that they realized the entire game had been N.A.R.C. running in fullscreen on the NESticle emulator."

Why Diablo III And StarCraft II Aren't Out Yet

"Carrie Basketball
StarCraft II Conceptual Producer

"You know how there's like sixteen thousand zerglings in any given game? Some asshole decided that each one should be distinguishable from the next. Wouldn't be so bad if our 3D modeling program wasn't shareware, and if it could actually open existing models instead of forcing us to start from scratch each time.""

Normality In The Mid-90's

"One Sentence Reviews:

Tony Hawk Ride
Historians will note the trajectory of the Tony Hawk series as Amazing->Wearing Out Its Welcome But Still Decent->The Moment People Bought The Modern Equivalent Of The Sega Activator And Realized That Maybe Peripherals Were Still A Pretty Lame Idea On The Whole, Canceling Their Preorders For Natal And The Wii Vitality Sensor. 1/10"

The Definitive Guide to Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer

"I've recently become quite an expert on Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer. I have perfected the ability to spawn directly in the middle of air strikes. I can trigger claymores with my face from miles away. My head has gradually transformed into a powerful magnet, capable of pulling in and absorbing any sniper shot fired in any direction on any server. By examining my perpetual cycle of failure, I have devised the following flawless Modern Warfare 2 tips and tricks to ensure victory."

More Oddball 90's PC Games

"In the last installment of VGA, I blabbed about the strange side of PC gaming in the 90's. Much like the bizarre gyrocopters and wingsuits that came about when people were trying to figure out what could and couldn't fly, some creative and unique (if not successful or good) games were made before people settled on the "right" way to do things."

Crushed Dreams 1: Sega Saturn

"Alyxander was the richest kid in school. Though we kids don't know shit, we all knew how rich he was. His backpack was always packed with action figures-not the basics, but the airships and accessories and all that extra garbage that no one else had. After school, he'd use a twenty dollar bill and spend it all at the candy shop. His name even, spelled out like a Russian Czar, seemed extravagant. We were all in awe of his wealth, but our respect just went up tenfold in our ten year old minds when he announced that he (his parents) had just purchased a Sega Saturn."

Baffling Excerpts From The Dragon Age Codex

"One of my favorite parts of the game is the codex, a section of your character's journal that fleshes out the game's setting with information about everything you encounter, as well as excerpts from any books you come across. It's mostly well-written and worth checking out. Mostly. Some of the codex entries left me a little confused."

One-Sentence Reviews From 2019

"As 2009 comes to a close, video game sites continue their quest to generate precious clicks with lazy features like "Best Games Of The Decade" and "The Most Influential Games Of The Last Yen Years" and "List Game Top Decade 10". Why they even bother, I'll never know. After all, the games have already been reviewed and scored using math, which is infallible. Just head on over to Metacritic and you'll see that the best PC game of 2009 was Street Fighter IV. See? It's in the history books, people. Iron clad."

Hot Final Fantasy Import Nights

"The original Final Fantasy was the first game that I bought for myself. My existing collection of ColecoVision cartridges (including 4 copies of Space Invaders) and NES classics like Toobin' and Gotcha! The Sport! had been gifts, seemingly picked at random from garage sales and failing movie rental stores."

Mass Effect 2's Biggest Improvements

"The inventory menus in Mass Effect were a mess. Finding something specific required you to scroll past several pages of items that took up too much screen space while managing to avoid being descriptive.

Thankfully, Mass Effect 2 has gone back to the drawing board to come up with a much more elegant solution. When you bring up the inventory menu, you will not be presented with a cluttered list of items, but a layout of all the letters in the alphabet (minus 'S') and a random series of prime numbers.

Simply select a letter or number and you will be presented with the items whose serial numbers begin with your selection. Keep in mind that all health-replenishing items have unique, randomized serials."

Star Trek Online Retailer-Exclusive Bonuses

Become the master of the social game with exclusive access to in-game chat and advanced options for disabled gamers!"

The Definitive Mario Timeline

"While Nintendo has never provided an official timeline for the many adventures of Mario, forensic science holds the key to piecing together the complicated life of one of this generation's most iconic figures."

Civilization V: Exclusive Details!

"New Roaming Enemies
As your settlers scoured the map for a suitable home in previous Civilization games, they did their best to avoid roaming predators like lions, panthers, bears and wolves. This time around you can expect a much more diverse array of wildlife. Replacing the above animals will be over thirty seven breeds of spider."

Sony's Biggest PS3 Blunders

"A severe flaw in all non-slim models of the Playstation 3 presented itself for a few days this week, resetting dates, denying access to the Playstation Network, and making games on the platform such as Heavy Rain more unplayable than usual."

Bad Luck In Bad Company 2

"As I spend more time with Battlefield: Bad Company 2, certain patterns begin to make themselves painfully clear. These unfortunate truths fall under the Farrell Rule, which simply states: If there is a chance that something terrible can happen to you while benefiting the enemy, not only will it absolutely happen, but at some point your opponent will luck into the exact opposite of your bad experience."

"Deadly Premonition" - 2010's Greatest Game to Ever Be Made in History of the World

"Although you may not have heard of the Xbox 360 game "Deadly Premonition," I can confidently proclaim, without a shadow of a doubt, that it is simply the most incredible game released for any platform in years. Before I explain what makes this game so amazing, I feel obligated to share a few minor facts about "Deadly Premonition":

* The graphics are terrible.
* The character models are terrible.
* The animations are terrible.
* The weapons are terrible.
* The combat and controls are terrible.
* The sound effects are terrible.
* The map and guidance system is terrible.
* The music is terrible."
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