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| Old Wounds; tag Jean | |
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| Topic Started: Aug 13 2008, 12:13 AM (379 Views) | |
| Jason Helio | Aug 13 2008, 12:13 AM Post #1 |
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Day: three days after X babies is over Time: 4:00 PM Jason wasn't really sure what to think as he approached Mrs. Grey-Summer's office. This was mostly because he thought that she was probably reading his mind. Every time he tried to redirect his thoughts he thought that his attempt to stop a thought from surfacing only brought it to the surface and the process just kept repeating itself until Jason just wanted to stop thinking about the fact that she could read his mind, which is harder than it sounds. He still didn't trust her. He had forgiven them, the ones who had done things during the shadow X incident, and he had forgiven her as well. That wasn't the same as saying he had forgotten what had happened. The nervousness was mostly gone when he saw the people who had been a part of it, seeing who they really were. Except for Jean. There was this lingering feeling that his forgiveness could just be her prompting him. Everyone had told him that she wouldn't do this, but the thought pressed in on his mind. How could he ever really trust his own thoughts again? He figured that she had picked on this, but he wasn't sure what she wanted to see him about. He had thought that he was doing fairly well in his danger room sessions and squad stuff. His training was starting to pay off a little. Jason was more focused on that kind of training than some of the students. He was a fighter. Maybe he wasn't one naturally but he had become one from having to fight quite a bit. There was also the fact that he was pessimistic about his academics. After all, he really didn't have a future in the real world that didn't involve a one way trip to the gas chamber. It had showed in his grades too. "You wanted to see me, Mrs. Grey-Summers," he said, a little nervously. |
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| Jean | Aug 13 2008, 04:40 AM Post #2 |
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Changing into a child, now that it was over, had actually been very cathartic; it had been a release of all the guilt she carried around like heavy chains weighing her down. She’d left a month ago and it had torn her heart out to leave, but she felt she had to, for all of their sakes. After the strange fountain of youth incident, as she thought of it, she’d realized how many she was happy here and needed here. Back at her desk, Jean’s eyes flicked to the wilted fern on her windowsill, dried up after a month of no water. It looked dead to Jean’s unpracticed eye but you never knew, perhaps Avery could do something with it or at least use it for mulch. Avery… another unpleasant memory wiggle in her mind, she’d been dead too and come back, so anything was possible. Despite all she’d seen over the years, the tragedies and miracles, she still had hope. She closed her eyes felt for Scott, her constant communication had been one of the hallmarks of ShadowX but they’d both agreed not to let something so awful twist and taint something a part of their love. He was running around campus, outwardly still stiff, proper, and exact, as always, but inside, he was happier than he’d been in a long time: they were together, and physically healthy; the de-aging episode had not only repaired the damage they’d done to themselves during ShadowX but also fully repaired Scott’s knee. She sent her thoughts to him and he returned the brief embrace. The soft smile was lingering on her lips when she heard at her door, "You wanted to see me, Mrs. Grey-Summers." Warren had told her that everyone at the school had missed her, she doubted that was really true but it was a nice thing to say. “Jason, come in,” she said, swiveling her chair to face him. Jean’s desk faced the wall; she didn’t believe in dictating from behind it and favored a conversational setting instead. She didn’t need psi-abilities to see he was nervous, especially around her. “I know it must be hard seeing me here again and I deeply regret that. Trust is a hard thing to win back, if ever, but I’m willing to try; if you’ll tell me how.” As much as Jean hated to admit it, she felt a need to be liked. It was true that no one can be liked by everyone, but she wanted to be the exception to the rule. |
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| Jason Helio | Aug 13 2008, 11:56 PM Post #3 |
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Jason wasn't sure if he would ever really trust her, and he was less sure if he ever wanted to. It felt like letting his guard down, something he was not accustomed to doing. Jason could appear to be a very open person but when it came down to it he really didn't trust any one here completely. He trusted some more than others, believed that most of the people here were good and working for the good of all, but if it came down to it Jason would rather rely on his own strength. He certainly didn't trust Jean, whose powers were so far beyond his own. He could never see a way for him to be completely safe around her. He didn't show this, didn't say it. He spoke with guarded kindness. "You and Mr. Grey-Summer's weren't yourselves, right? That's what everyone keeps saying. I don't really hold it against you what you did. I mean, it could have just as easily been me, right?" Of course, logically that made sense. If humans were completely logical creatures then Jason's words would have been entirely true instead of just partially true. Jason didn't really hold their actions against them, he was just scared. Jason once had many things he thought were solid in the world, and most of those turned out not to be. He thought his home, his family were solid. He took things for granted that were no longer there and had come to rely on hos own strength. It was the one thing he could count on. He had gotten through adversities with it, and felt confident in his ability to keep on doing so. Until shadow X. It wasn't so much that he had to fight strong mutants, or that he couldn't do anything against some of the stronger ones. Jason understood strength, physical strength. But the ability to manipulate his mind, to have him not feel safe in his own head shattered all his previous notions about strength and what it meant. This was something he couldn't fight against no matter how strong he was and it still scared him, even now. |
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| Jean | Aug 16 2008, 04:45 AM Post #4 |
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"You and Mr. Grey-Summer's weren't yourselves, right? That's what everyone keeps saying. I don't really hold it against you what you did. I mean, it could have just as easily been me, right?" Although he said the right things, things that other people had said, which generally boiled down to exactly the same thing: it wasn’t your fault, and it could’ve happened to anyone; but when Jason said it, they sounded like flimsy excuses. She heard the guard tone to his words, even though he tried to hide it. In some ways, it would’ve been better if he had yelled, had recoiled from her but he was too controlled for that. He was only sixteen but he’d had to grow up fast in those short years and that didn’t give people a lot of incentive to be vulnerable. Because that’s what she and Scott were asking people to do - trust them and open them selves up to the possibility of being hurt again. As he talked, she had flashbacks of what she’d done. They’d been training the students, behavior modification. Rewards for being good and punishment for disobeying. A bright student like Jason had figured it out early and it was no wonder that was still preying on his mind; the manipulation and betrayal. “Yes, it could’ve been,” she conceded but it hadn’t. It had been her and Scott, twisted and used, and nearly broken. “Being a mutant… and especially on this team, it’s a hard life and not always a pleasant one.” She paused as if reflecting for a moment, “Actually, to be completely honest, it’s rarely a pleasant one. Like policemen, we rush from one catastrophe to another, cherishing the few moments where we can stop and breathe.” For a moment, her shoulders sagged, just a little, as if she were carrying an enormous weight but soon straightened again, showing the steel in her backbone. “If nothing else, being on the team will always challenge you; challenge your perceptions of yourself and everyone around you.” She shifted in her chair, “You had a very … harsh introduction to life on the team.” She looked into his eyes, “And no one would blame you if you wanted to relocate onto a different team.” |
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| Jason Helio | Aug 22 2008, 07:05 AM Post #5 |
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[OOC: sorry it took so long] This team? Well, technically he wasn't a part of the team. He wasn't an "X-man" he was a student. Right? Granted, during shadow X everyone had been a part of the team, but things were different now. Still, Jason saw little other future for himself. It may seem bleak, but Jason was thrilled to even have such an option. Not because he felt particularly heroic or because he thought he could make the world a better place but simply because before this he had kind of assumed that he would probably end up dead somewhere, living his life in a mutant prison, or injected with a lethal dose of something bad courtesy of the state of Alabama. The idea of living the rest of his life in a house with no bars and an actual bed was something he tried not to think about during his time on the run. He really hadn't believed the school had existed until he stayed in it a few days. Most other students would leave with the introduction he had to the school, but Jason's standards were a little lower than most boys his age. "I'd rather stay, Mrs. Grey-Summers," he said, "I mean, really where is safe for a mutant\ any more with Sentinels and stuff all around? Here I can learn stuff and control my powers right? I mean, it's the safest place around it seems, occasional psychic takeovers and all. " Jason slowed down about the last two words. Ever speak a sentence and know by the end of it life would be much better if it had never left your mouth but it's to late by that point? That was where Jason was at. He was nervous and when he was nervous he tried to break the tension by joking. It was a bad joke to be sure, just trying to make light of something really serious, but Jason figured that Mrs. Grey-Summers probably wouldn't think it was funny. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I mean, it's not like it's going to happen again. Wasn't your fault, like I said," even as he said this he wondered in his own mind if he was right, that it wouldn't happen again. |
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| Jean | Aug 26 2008, 04:57 AM Post #6 |
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"I'd rather stay, Mrs. Grey-Summers," [Jason] said, "I mean, really where is safe for a mutant any more with Sentinels and stuff all around? Here I can learn stuff and control my powers right? I mean, it's the safest place around it seems, occasional psychic takeovers and all. " A brittle silence grew between them. There was a sense that the world was holding its breath, waiting to see what would happen next. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I mean, it's not like it's going to happen again. Wasn't your fault, like I said," even as [Jason] said this he wondered in his own mind if he was right, that it wouldn't happen again. Jean let Jason stew in discomfort for an extra minute before arching one eyebrow. “You’re right, psychic takeovers only happen in months that have Rs, the rest of the time, it’s business as usual: Megalomaniac- Mutant terrorists at the gates, Mutant-hating human fanatics rampaging through the city, and giant robot attacks every other Tuesday, as regular as clockwork,” she said, giving her joke with a deadpan delivery she picked up from Scott. The twitch at the corner of her mouth being the only indication it was a joke. She sighed audibly and cocked her head to one side. “Yes, that is a very big elephant in the room; you ready to talk about it yet? It doesn’t take a telepath to tell that you’re nervous, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why.” Her fingers found a pencil and began idly tapping the spongy pink eraser on her desk. Jean was comfortable with silence, her choice of husband-material was a testament to that, but Jason clearly wasn’t and seemed to have the need to fill the silence with talking and jokes; both actives gave evidence to puzzle over. She looked him in the eye. “You look like a guy who’s had the rug pulled out from under your feet.” She lifted a hand to forestall any protests. “It’s alright. This place does that to people. Where else can you see at least ten things that defy all logic and the laws of physics just by walking down the hallway on any given day? You want to stay to learn how to control your abilities but you learn other things here; you learn that there are no guarantees,” she gave him a kindly smile. “That was the second time you said that it wouldn’t happen again,” she said, referring to his hasty backpedaling comment. “I wish I were still as confident as you but I don’t know the future. If someone had lain out what happen during ShadowX as theoretical situation, I would’ve come up with half a dozen reasons why it couldn’t… and, as we all know, I would’ve been wrong.” She gave him an inquisitive look, the look of someone who picks away at problems as though they were loose threads. “And I think you know all this already. There are no guarantees in life - when step off a curb, even though you know that some times people run red lights, that’s the exception and crossing the street doesn’t fill you with fear. Am I wrong so far?” |
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| Jason Helio | Aug 26 2008, 12:38 PM Post #7 |
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Jason was glad to hear her joke about it too. Or at least Jason was relatively sure it was a joke. Sometimes it seemed like her words were true. That was really only when the crisis were happening, and even then most of the time people were kept safe. This most recent disaster was something of a testament to that. Yes, for a few moments Jason was quite certain that he was going to die, and he knew that he could have. Still, he had seen firsthand how far the teachers at the school were willing to go to protect the students. Jason didn't have any friends like they did, friends he had known for years and had faced death with. If he did, he wasn't sure he could do what they did. "I know. Mr. Grey-Summers gave me the crisis syllabus when I arrived, although I'm a little behind on my anti-mutant fanatic homework," he responded, then grew serious as she did. Jason wondered briefly if she was reading his mind, his eyes growing suspicious when she said it was clear why he was nervous. Was it? It didn't seem that clear, even to him. She was right though, he was nervous. The more he thought on it the more he was unsure why he was. Jason wasn't very accustomed to telling people how he felt. Still she had been quite open to him. It couldn't be easy for her to say these things, to joke about them, to admit that she had committed crimes against people she cared for. He felt like that she deserved more than just a dismissive joke. "You're not wrong so far, Mrs. Grey-Summers," he said "Having the rug pulled out from under me is a good way to describe it. I'm kind of used to danger but this is kind of different, I mean you know with all the stuff and..." This is bullshit, he thought to himself, She's trying to make up for stuff and I'm lying to her. Well, avoiding the truth at any rate. She deserves better. Jason did pause for a moment, thinking about how he might phrase the next thing he was going to say. "If you want honesty, Mrs. Grey-Summers, I really don't feel safe inside my own head any more. I'm sorry if that's rude but it's the truth and you probably get sick of people telling you that everything is just fine when you know it's not. I mean, sometimes when I think things are getting better I wonder if maybe someone else is making me think things are getting better," he felt like maybe he had crossed a line here, but he had quite honestly gotten a little tired of pretending like he wasn't worried any more and it was probably unfair to Jean that she was the one to hear about it, "I'm sorry, but that's really what I think, if you didn't already know." |
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| Jean | Aug 28 2008, 08:57 AM Post #8 |
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The more she watched Jason and worked her way through his protective layer of joking and casual conversation, she recognized how much he was like Warren, a type that was more friendly and personable on the surface but try to dig a little deeper and you hit an impenetrable stone wall. Thinking it was going to be more of the same – I’m fine, you’re fine, everything is fine, when her surprised her. "If you want honesty, Mrs. Grey-Summers, I really don't feel safe inside my own head any more. I'm sorry if that's rude but it's the truth and you probably get sick of people telling you that everything is just fine when you know it's not. I mean, sometimes when I think things are getting better I wonder if maybe someone else is making me think things are getting better…. I'm sorry, but that's really what I think, if you didn't already know." It was hard. It was hard knowing that, no matter what you did, short of doing what he feared and going into his mind to change it, there was nothing she could really say or do to make things better, for him or for her. “Perhaps you should’ve read through that anti-mutant fanatic chapter after all. The only answer I can give you is the one we give to people who are afraid that mutants will walk through the walls of their homes and kill them or they’ll be teleported away,” she said, then decided to bring it home to Jason, “or that someone with exceptional strength would decide to hurt them and there would be nothing they could do about it.” She felt a bit of a dog for bringing that up, he was only sixteen years old. “I know that was a low blow but we seemed to be moving beyond candy-coating things. I know how you feel about to that boy… I know, because I killed someone when my powers first manifested too and spent several years locked away for it; I was a murderer at ten years old.” Jean shifted uncomfortably back into her chair, her face touched with a hint of sorrow. Talking about her past wasn’t something she enjoyed; it opened an empty feeling in her stomach, a place that would never be completely whole, but she’d hurt Jason with what they’d done as ShadowX and after bringing up his past, he deserved to know hers too. After a moment, Jean straightened her shoulders and went on. “Your problem with telepaths isn’t a new one, Jason. With Scott’s optic beams or your fists, there’s no question, people know they’ve been hit and who did it.” The corner of her mouth twitched up in a cockeyed smile, “Or they know it when they wake up.” She shook her head regretfully, “But most of the time, my powers aren’t.” She looked at him, “I’m sorry. I can only tell you what we tell people fearful or all mutants. I try to do my best to be someone who’s a help to the people I’m around and not monster that you need to be afraid of.” |
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| Jason Helio | Aug 31 2008, 10:50 AM Post #9 |
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Indignation. Anger. How dare she? After all the shit he had been through. Who did she think she was talking to? Him? An anti-mutant fanatic? Just where did she get off? He still listened though, even if barely through his rage. A little bit made sense at a time. He had never really thought of things that way before. He was, in a sense, asking people to trust me. Essentially saying that he promised not to use his power for evil. There was little they could do if he decided not to honor his promise. He could tear a bank vault open with no trouble, leap away faster than even a chopper could follow him. What could a normal man do if Jason decided to take something that was his? He guessed it was all that mutants could do to remind people that they were human too. Not perfect, but as basically good as humans were. Jean was certainly human. She got angry sometimes, like she probably was with Jason, she got hurt when she talked about her past. She loved, that much could be seen. Jason didn't really know what love was, not yet anyway, but it seemed to him that she was quite in love with Scott. Would she abuse her powers to protect those she loved? Maybe but who was Jason to judge that. After all, some would say that he abused his when he protected that girl, that he should have been more careful, should have checked his power more. Maybe they were right, maybe there would be one less death if he had but he stood by what he did. He had tried to protect the innocent. Whenever you preyed on the helpless you risked the wrath of the righteous. Jason wasn't righteous, but his anger at the time had been. Point was that he had acted how he thought was best with power the man couldn't defend himself from at all. All he could ask was for Jean to do the same, he guessed. "I guess I was lucky, getting to wait until I was fourteen until I became a killer," he said. It wasn't a joke, not really. It was kind of sarcastic, but really designed to let her know he knew what she meant to say that you took another life. He addressed the meat, the main point of what she said, "I guess I never thought of myself as being afraid, Mrs. Grey-Summers, but I guess that's as good a description as any. I guess you scare the shit out of me and that's kind of wrong. I dunno why, I mean there are a lot of mutants here that could kick my ass some of them with like smells and stuff so I'm not really sure why I'm so freaked out by psychics." |
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| Jean | Sep 3 2008, 09:00 AM Post #10 |
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Jean swallowed her own misery; she was here for Jason, not the other way around. Her past was nearly two decades in its grave. It was a shame, the day had started out was well; she was back home, Scott was healthy again, and they were together… her family was together again. Now, sorrow weighed her down and tinged her heart. She watched the flood of emotions flicker across his face. Even without the benefit of telepathy, teenagers were easy to read. The most hardened and seemingly world-weary of them still wore their hearts on their sleeves. The anger was plain of his face but he surprised her by not giving into it and shutting down. "I guess I never thought of myself as being afraid, Mrs. Grey-Summers, but I guess that's as good a description as any. I guess you scare the shit out of me and that's kind of wrong. I dunno why, I mean there are a lot of mutants here that could kick my ass some of them with like smells and stuff so I'm not really sure why I'm so freaked out by psychics." Ah, there it was, that old prejudice that seemed to within everyone, rearing up again. Jean gave him a sad, weary smile, he’d made a lot progress but Rome wasn’t built in a day and fears weren’t conquered in one session. “You aren’t alone. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who wasn’t skittish around psychics.” She learned against the arm of her chair. “I scare you because, when you get punched, your leg broken, or even beaten so badly that you end up in a hospital bed, it hurts but you’re still you. For humans and mutants alike, their minds are their last refuge. It’s where you can retreat to when everything else is lost. It’s where you keep your hopes, dreams, fears and secrets. When you can’t trust your mind any longer, it’s like you’re trapped in a grotesque parody of your own home, with danger around every corner. Someplace that you should feel safe… the safest place in the world, but its been turned against you.” She shifted her eyes to the floor. It would’ve been easier if she had been a villain; they leave their victims dead or left behind in their wake as they pass. They never face them again and have to rebuild the lives and minds of those they shattered. “I’m sorry.” “Thanks for telling me how you feel,” she knew he was scared and admitting that took guts. Jean lifted her face to meet his again, “but if you’re going to remain on my team – Exemplars, you’ll need to trust me,” she said, locking eyes with the young man. “I know it’ll be hard and you’ll doubt yourself and me, but you lived through psychic domination once and survived, that’s an experience you can learn from and use if you think it’ll ever happen again.” It seemed like he’d just arrived but Jean didn’t feel tired as much as just… drained. Drained of hope. Drained of the energy. Drained of the cheerfulness at her return to the school. “I’m glad you came to see me. And I hope we can work this out,” she said, getting to her feet. Suddenly, she felt like going outside, walking through the grass and feeling the sunlight on her face. |
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| Jason Helio | Sep 8 2008, 07:15 AM Post #11 |
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Jason actually felt a little sorry for her as she explained, or tried to explain, why he was afraid. It made a little bit of sense, but mostly he felt really bad for her. All mutants felt the sting of isolation, of hatred. It must really sting to be feared even by other mutants. He could tell that Jean was speaking from experience. He was probably not the first person she had met who was unsettled by her, and he would probably not be the last. "You don't have to be sorry. After all, it wasn't your fault," he said. He'd said it before, but he meant it more this time. After all, it had all been explained. He didn't know anything about chemistry or the other stuff that Scott had talked about with the chemical that they had drank on their honeymoon but he knew there was stuff out there that could do that. Hell, with enough money you could make all kinds of stuff. Just look at the mansion, the danger room. Who was he to say that everyone else in the school was wrong. He wasn't really sure what to say to her thanks. Jason wasn't exactly into "feelings". He had just said what he thought, didn't really see it as sharing feelings. "Uh, you're welcome I guess," he said uncertainly, "I would like to stay on your team. I think I've been getting a lot out of the training." He didn't want to switch teams, mostly because he would feel like a real dick if he did. Like "sorry, the powers you were born with creep me out. Can I be moved?" Besides, he didn't want to be moved. Who else would be better to teach him to defend against it? Can he defend against it? Is that even possible? Well, there was only one way to find out after all. Jason stood up with her. It seemed that she had accomplished what she had wanted to, or maybe she was just tired. Jason wasn't tired at all. In fact, he felt like a good workout. He could workout now without activating his strength so he could just go for a run instead of trying to get a monitor for the danger room. Maybe shoot some hoops or something. Jason just wanted to move around some. |
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| Jean | Sep 12 2008, 08:35 AM Post #12 |
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JP between Jean and Scott Jean walked out with Jason, nodding when he said he wanted to stay on her team. “I’m glad to hear it,” she said, giving his shoulder a friendly pat. Maybe some day he’d stop seeing a monster when he looked at her, but she was also prepared for that to never happen. If he flinched at her touch, she chose not to see it. “Come and see me anytime, my door is always open,” she told him as they separated. Her gaze down and lost in her own thoughts, Jean slowly made her way to the back porch. Jason and some of the other might always see her as a monster, just as her father had done. She couldn’t stop her mind from rolling back memories twenty years, like a worn length of movie film; back to the worst time in her life. At ten years old, she’d accidentally killed her own mother when she’d lashed out with her powers. Intentional or not, she’d taken the life of a warm and caring person. Her mother’s face, smiling, rose in her mind’s eye. It was the way she preferred to remember her; it had taken several years of therapy to get that face back, instead of always remembering the moment of her death. She’d lost both parents that day, as it turned out, and although it hurt when birthdays and Christmas’ rolled by unacknowledged, she understood it; as she would understand if Jason was always frightened of her. Lost in her remorse thoughts, she barely managed a watery smile when she finally looked up and saw Scott’s ruby glasses. Scott leaned on the rail of the patio, as if he was a permanent fixture here, which he supposed in many ways he was. He was working on a Blackberry that Hank had gotten him for his birthday, and that he had reprogrammed to connect to the electronics lab's computers. He was, as he had been obsessing over lately, working on developing the Phoenix Fight's guidance systems into a workable modification for the Blackbird, particularly its portal generation. But that wasn't the real reason he was out here, it was just busy work until the real reason emerged from the school. He wasn't a telepath, but he loved one and he had allowed her, even after it had turned into something horrible, he had allowed her to reestablish their rapport, because the truth of the matter was that they both needed it. He had to have that outlet to express emotions he would not show otherwise, and she had to have someone lay themselves open to her so that she knew deep within her that she wasn't what everyone feared she was. Scott trusted his wife, of course he did, and he kept his end of their link accessible to her mind always. So, he had felt her emotions, her sorrow at being judged, her fear at never being accepted again, her rage at being blamed for what was not her fault, and being the man that he was, he transferred his work to the Blackberry without a second thought, and headed out to the patio, because he knew she would need to escape the mansion for a little while. At his feet was a small bundle with a couple of soft drinks, and a few random pieces of fruit. Jean might not feel like eating, but she would welcome the pretense of a picnic in the woods, where she could vent and there would be no one to judge her. She exited the building, with Jason, and though she was trying not to show it, and Scott was not the greatest with reading emotional cues, he knew his wife enough to know that she was close to tears. Not mentioning it, he greeted, "Good afternoon, Mr. Helio, I was hoping I could steal my wife away for a little bit." Tucking his Blackberry into his pocket, he picked up the inexpertly packed snack and said, "I was hoping you'd join me for a walk in the woods to check on the security gates, Jean." Seeing Scott was like the gloom parting and she was being pulled out of a dark place. She didn’t intend to send her emotions through the bond they shared but she was glad to see him. She reached out and took his hand, working her fingers between his, “Sure, I could use the fresh air.” As they moved away, she glanced down at the basket. “That was nice of you,” she said and laid her head on his shoulder as they started down the trail. “You take such good care of me. I guess you want to keep me around for a while,” she teased. "A little while. I'm sort of used to having you around," Scott said, enjoying the feel of her head on his shoulder, her fingers entwined with his. They walked in silence a little, both knowing that the security gates were not really on their agenda today. Once they were a pleasant distance from the school, and any student who might be out enjoying the warmth of the day, he gave her fingers a concerned squeeze and said, "Rough session, hmm? Mr. Helio has a good head on his shoulders, but he's a little concerned with making sure it is his head alone? I'm not surprised, frankly, he's got quite a will, that one." She felt the warm pressure of his fingers and held on tighter. There were no need for words, verbal or mental, as they walked the path; Scott’s presence was enough to make her feel like everything was going to be alright. At Scott’s guess, Jean’s lips flickered into a humorless grin. “Yeah, he doesn’t trust me, I scare him too much. I could feel the tension pouring off him every time I was around.” She was silent for a bit as they walked, her eyes focused on the path, wary of foot-tripping tree roots. “He wants anti-psychic techniques.” She didn’t bother to continue, what Jason had wanted was no different than what a lot of the others had wanted in the past, even before ShadowX happened. Psychics creeped people out. Finally, she shook her head, “It’s nothing… really.” "No, it's something," Scott said, quietly, "My experiences with telepaths, I suppose, are different than most. When the Professor found me, I was so desperate not to be a monster, not be different that I grabbed at his differences, his mutation. If I accepted his powers, I could accept my own." He tilted his head to peer down at her through his glasses and said, "You, honey, were just icing on the cake. A girl who could know what I was feeling, all bottled up in my uptight and overly controlled nature, so that I didn't have to risk showing what I feel, risk dropping my veneer of stoic leadership? And, absolutely gorgeous to boot? I'm afraid you didn't have a chance in hell to escape my interest. Poor Jeannie." His words were light, which was not his usual modus operandi but around his wife, Scott was often a surprisingly warm person. "People are afraid of what they don't understand, babe, you know that. Mutants, for all their outrage at being judged, aren't free from casting judgment, sadly. We aren't that evolved yet." Her grin was cockeyed but a little better than it had been. “Every thing did seem to work out for the best, even if it did take a little while.” They wound their way through the woods, the trees so dense they couldn’t see the mansion any longer. At the first sign of a nice place rest, away from the pressures of everyone else, she nudged Scott to the clearing. “It wasn’t even Jason as much as just old memories surfacing, some things got stirred up.” As Jean watched Scott move effortlessly, it was hard to believe that only a couple of weeks before then he was hobbling with a cane and in near constant pain. They made their way to the clearing, and chosing a nice spot in the shade of one of the weeping willows that dotted the property, Scott pulled her down with him into the grass. "No one's ever truly talked to either of us about it. Lots of accusations and forgivenesses, but no real in depth conversations. I'm supposed to have just filed it under 'weaknesses to be defended against' and because you've got psych training, you're supposed to have dealt with it internally. I don't think anyone with the exception maybe of Warren and Alex understand that we were violated as much as anyone." He put his arm around her, and drew her close to him, "You and I have barely even spoke of it between ourselves." He pulled her onto his lap when he sat, and she let herself be pulled; they were both different people in private. Although the move was intimate, her mood wasn’t conducive to snuggling. “No, we haven’t,” she said, taking comfort from his nearness. “It was scary… how good it felt sometimes… how liberating.” He sighed, "I know... It's funny, Jean. I've never seen my need for control as something bad, a little consuming maybe, but it made sense before. I never thought there could be too much of it... Where you were liberated, I was stronger in my convictions, my unyielding ways. Deviation was impossible and abhorrent to me and when I saw them falling into line, and I imagined the world as we would remake it..." His voice had grown distant and hard to hear if she wasn't so close to him, "I liked it, liked the control." He held her, tightly, not out of a need for romance, but out of a desire for connection, "We got so used to being the paragons of upright morality, that we began to believe the hype, I think. We thought there was nothing that could blow the white hats off our heads... I did, anyhow. I'm too proud of my position here, too willing to think of myself as Xavier's heir, without remembering that I'm not Charles Xavier." |
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| Jean | Sep 15 2008, 09:05 AM Post #13 |
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Telepathy, Telekinesis
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JP Scott and Jean He held her but she felt the desperate need in his grasp, as though she were a security blanket. But that was alright, she shifted to look at him, her arm reaching around his shoulder. Jean’s hand gripped his shoulder comfortingly, “I know. Everyone has parts of themselves that they shouldn’t see.” She looked down at her knees, unwilling to look him in the face at that moment, “Ugly parodies of themselves that they can help but see the likeness and wonder, ‘Is that really me, deep down?’ It shakes you; your confidence.” She looked back at him, letting down the illusion of perfection she always tried to project. “It did, mine.” She leaned into him, touching her head to his. “ShadowX took away a lot, things we may never get back.” A thin tear leaked down her cheek, grief for what had been lost, “But the glimpse of the manipulative… controlling person I was, was a warning.” "I refuse to accept that it is lost, Jean." Scott said, his hand coming up to brush the tear from her cheek. "We've lost so much and we've suffered more than any two people have a right too, but we've also survived it all. Do you know why, I think? Tell me if I'm wrong. Psychoanalysis is not my strong suit. I think you and I have survived our losses and failures and pains, because we need them to prevent us from becoming what ShadowX allowed us to be. We weren't turned evil. We weren't suddenly unleashing our powers on the helpless and the hapless of humanity out of greed or malice or just plain boredom. Even in our darkest moments, what we did was to protect the children, no matter how skewed our perspective on it was. You were manipulative and controlling, but underneath it all... it was because you believed you were doing what would ultimately save and advance our people. The difference between what we were and what Magneto is, is that he would start the war and we were working to stop it." “Yes, but we know that was only half of it,” said the woman who’d shared half his mind. “We crippled and controlled them because we enjoy being needed,” she said, her voice daring him to deny it. “We took away every ounce of independence and made them look to us for everything.” As suddenly as it arose, the fire burned down. “People are often blind to their own failings, we can’t be sure, not a hundred percent sure, that we aren’t still doing that, unconsciously, in little subtle ways.” "You think I don't get that?" Scott asked, tightly, "You think I put myself as the great martyr of the X-Men without being aware that I'm doing it because if someone else proves himself better than me that I'll lose my status as the first begotten son? When we were kids, and the Professor was grooming Jon to lead the team by virtue of his age and sociability, why do you think I put myself in what Warren called 'Showboating mode?' It was self sacrifice. My danger would prevent yours, but it was never without its selfishness. I'm a competitive man, and I'm a man that not many people have the patience to get to know. I've always needed approval and praise but I've never accepted it unless it came from those who made that effort. It may seem as if I don't know myself, Jean, but I do. And, I also know, with almost dead certainity, that Charles manipulated us into becoming what we became. I know he reached into our heads and moved the furniture around. He did it to others, why not us? The question is, did he do it for the right reasons? Was he a guiding force, or a manipulative svengali? It's how we choose to perceive what he did to us, and what we are doing to our students." Jean was silent, it was a horrible thought Scott blurted out. When you brought in the specter of brainwashing and manipulation, Jason was right, you never knew how far it had gone. Was she married and sitting on Scott’s lap now because she loved him or because over the years, in session after session, she’d been convinced to forgive or even love the qualities Scott had; and the same being true for him? “Choose to perceive?” Jean got to her feet, “Tell me, Scott, at what point would it okay for you to take away someone’s free-will and make decisions that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives?” she said, her words hard and angry. She was getting angry, which he never liked, but frankly, it was good for her. She'd told him time and time again that it was alright to feel what he felt and that quashing it was not necessarily the way to deal with it. He remained seated, infuriatingly calm, right now, pushing her buttons because he was able to withstand what she'd unleash on him because of it. It's what husbands did when their wives needed someone to punish for whatever it was that had gone wrong, because in the morning, when the anger was gone, or at least lessened to a managable level, a good husband would be there still. "It's not ok, Jean, and it never will be, but governments do it all the time when they tell us who can get married and who can't, how much of our money we give them, hell, even what we can eat these days. Religions do it when they tell how to worship, who to love and who to hate. Parents do it when they tell their children what to believe. If you are looking for a world where everyone's will is their own, you're looking at chaos. Our morality is based on the suppression of entirely free will. It is based on right and wrong and that is highly subjective. What we did came from all of that. We were for a time what everyone would be if that suppression of free will was gone. Did we push it overboard? Yes, we did, and we snowballed it into oppression and domination, but we were lucky enough to have very stubborn friends who brought us back before we were lost and if you choose to let that destroy you with guilt, then you aren't the woman I thought you were. You're better than you are letting yourself be. You know that. You're just scared that if you admit it, you're somehow lessening your acceptance of guilt, sloughing it off as inconsequential." Pacing a little ways away, she shook her head, “You’re wrong, restraint and free will are two separate things. You can choose to restrain yourself… to muzzle your selfish and predatory desires with the rope social decency and empathy for others; doing it yourself shows character. But doing it because someone is pulling your strings,” she shrugged her shoulders forlornly, “that just means you’re an obedient slave.” She listened as he said that was she afraid to let go of the guilt because she thought letting go would mean she was lessening what did she did. She shook her head, “No, the session with Jason made me think about forgiveness and that they maybe never forgive us… just like my father never forgave me. Now, you bring up that Charles was manipulating things the way that he wanted or needed them to be… for greater good or not. It makes me wonder if dad really abandoned me or if he was made to.” She paused, feeling a void open in the pit of her stomach, “And how often have we… I influenced things with a few parents.” "We had no ability to muzzle ourselves," Scott said, letting her go. He stood now too, but didn't go to her, standing where he was, his arms folded over his chest in a closed body posture. "When Rosie uses her abilities to steal a cookie before dinner, do you call her immoral or evil? No, because she doesn't know right from wrong. She has no ability to tell the difference because she doesn't know how to control her impulses. That's what happened to us. We lost that ability because of the drug that changed our brain chemistry. You can blame it on your deep seated darkness and let it make you second guess yourself for the rest of your life, if you want, but it'll make you useless for the life we are living here. We aren't entirely law abiding citizens, if you want to get down to brass tacks. Our school is filled with stolen technology gleaned from the minds of some of the greatest minds on this planet. We've pulled strings for the greater good of some of our students. Hell, I shouldn't even be driving a car, if you want to really nitpick. I can't pass a eye test without blowing up the eye chart, the wall it hangs on, and most of the DMV. But these things had to be done in the way they are done because there was no other way. Jean, there will always be people who are going to find reason not to like us, to find darker motives in everything we do. You don't have to be another one of that number." It was lucky that she was facing away from him and out to the woods. She loved him but that didn’t mean she too didn’t find his single-minded determination more than a bit tiring and thought that he was too in love with the sound of his own voice on occasion. “I know, Scott,” her voice weary. She bowed her head, her fingertips lightly massaging her throbbing temples. “I’m not talking about those months. And I’m not talking about momentarily influencing someone at the DMV; it would hardly have a lasting effect on their lives, whether or not you could drive.” She looked out through the woods, her arms folded over her chest, hating this conversation; it had made things worse, not better. “I’m talking our lives being manipulated… my life being controlled and manipulated to get to this point.” Scott lowered his head, "What if it was, Jean?" He sighed, "I'm well aware that my thought processes have changed since coming here, that my personality has developed in ways that might not be inherent to me. But if my path was directed to become the leader of this team, and to hold the standard of Xavier, there are core things about me that haven't changed. I am naturally inclined to be bossy, to be fastidious, a perfectionist. I like fast cars and find more joy in flying a plane than most other things in my life," He came to her then, standing in front of her, his hands on her upper arms, "And, I love you. Those are things that are mine, and if I was nudged to pick up his banner, then I look at all of those children in the school who would have been on the streets or turned into weapons for the government or found by Magneto and indoctrinated in hate, and I realize that I wouldn't change it. If that was what it took, then being angry and feeling betrayed is a waste. I don't know if it was done, but if it was, I can't change it now, so I am going to make it my own, make whatever mental directives that originated from outside myself work for what I know in my heart of hearts is the right and proper thing to do." He dropped his hands from her arms and he said, "I don't know what else to do." A major admission from Scott, the always prepared boy scout... “I don’t want to talk anymore,” she half-muttered. “I don’t want to think anymore. Every direction this talk is going opens up a can of worms I don’t want to think about.” She sighed heavily and looked at nothing, “I will… I know it’ll eat away at me, but I’m not up to it today.” She frowned, feeling so miserable and alone. It was at times like this Scott wished he understood more about human nature. He could predict an enemy's next attack in battle, but he could never figure out what to say to help someone who was hurting as much as Jean was. He didn't even know if he should hold her or leave her to her thoughts or what. He was only a man, and not a very good one at that. Just a soldier, just always a soldier. In the end, he realized there was really nothing he could do but let her work this in whatever way she could and be there with her while she did it. Why didn't it bother him as much as it bothered her? Maybe for the simple reason that as a man who had had two very powerful telepaths roaming his head at different times, that he was accustomed to the thought of some minor manipulation. He didn't like it, but he expected that it had happened, and had decided what he had to in order to stop himself from going mad. But he hated seeing her upset like this, and he loved her so much, he wanted to hunt down the source of her misery and change it all, to fix everything. That was impossible though and so he was helpless in the face of her miseries. In the end all he could do was put out a hand and run it through her red hair, wishing he could see it in the red it really was instead of the deep scarlet he saw instead. ::Jean,:: he whispered over their telepathic rapport, ::There is nothing more in the world that you and I together can't face, nothing we can't conquer. I have faith in us, and I have hope for us. I'm not a man who has either of those things lightly.:: Untangling his hand from her hair, he untangled his thoughts from hers as well. She reached up, stopping his hand from pulling away and reached through the mental bond they shared. :: Don’t go. I don’t want to be alone. :: She relaxed the tight hold she had of the shields that kept the minds of the others at bay. The doubts and negative thoughts buzzed inside her mind; thoughts like: would Scott be taking it so calmly if there was even the thinnest chance that Xavier’s manipulations had tainted his relationship with his last surviving parent? Xavier probably hadn’t but there was also going to be that sliver of doubt now. She pushed the thought away before the poison seed could take root. Jean leaned her head in the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath and hoping things would get better. :: In the end, we just have to cope the best we can.:: Scott's arms wrapped around her and he held her with all the comfort that he had to give and he said, softly, "You never have to worry about being alone, Jeannie, and as for coping... well, that's what evolution is all about." |
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2:52 PM Jul 11