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Gwendolyn Nguyen; OC.
Topic Started: Feb 9 2013, 12:09 PM (2,741 Views)
Charmcaster
Unregistered

[align=center]PLAYER INFORMATION[/align]

NAME: Charmcaster
CONTACT: PM or Email, Nyoko12@hotmail.com
HOW YOU FOUND US: Googled X-men RPG
OTHER CHARACTERS ON THE SITE None thus far.
RULES CODE: Blackbird
CREDIT WHERE IT'S DUE: none

[align=center]CHARACTER INFORMATION[/align]

[align=center]
Posted Image[/align]
Allison Mack as Gwendolyn Nguyen

BASIC INFORMATION

CANON OR ORIGINAL: Original
AFFILIATION: New X-Men

FULL NAME: Gwendolyn Devin Nguyen
CODENAME: none yet will get one ICly
NICKNAMES: Gwen, Gwendy, Gwenny, Devin, Devy, Dev,

CURRENT AGE: 17
DATE OF BIRTH: June 17th 1995
MARITAL STATUS: Single
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual
BASE OF OPERATIONS: New York
TIME AT INSTITUTE: 3 ½ years
REGISTERED WITH SHIELD? No I don’t think so
HOMETOWN: A Small town.
KNOWN RELATIVES:
Bao Nguyen=Father-presumed dead
Natasha Nguyen=Mother-presumed dead
Henry Nguyen=Older Brother (Age 20)
Chien Nguyen=Uncle (father's adoptive older brother.)
Cassandra{Cassie} Blake-Nguyen=Aunt
Kenneth(Kenny) Blake-Nguyen=Cousin
Paula Nguyen=Paternal adoptive Grandmother
Thanh Nguyen=Paternal adoptive Grandfather
Christine Grey=Maternal Aunt
Various cousins and other aunts and uncles she hasn’t met.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 5:2
BUILD: Thin, curvy and toned but not noticeably so.
EYES: Green/Hazel
HAIR: Blonde
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: None
CLOTHING STYLE:
Gwendolyn Nguyen has short blonde hair normally kept about shoulder length yet can sometimes be grown a little past that, blonde hangs cover the girl's forehead though not completely in a fringe style but rather in such a way that it is able to be put in many different ways. She is short in stature and thin while maintaining a curvy enough body to accent whatever clothes she chooses to wear. She has pale-ish skin but not too pale and hazel eyes. Gwen does not like to wear makeup and will almost only ever be seen with Eyeliner and lipgloss.

The clothing Gwen wears varies depending on the day or night in which the clothing is meant for. In more social indoor settings Gwen will dress in such items as black pencil skirts, black stocking and black healed shoes or boots. As part of this particular multiple-owned set of clothes, she wears a white collard shirt with cuffed sleeves covered by a thin V-neck sweater of varying colours such as red or purple, depends on the day though. These are for such things as coffee shop meetings or just when she feels like wearing them

A large portion of this young women's outfits consist of T-shirts with either V-necks or average necked shirts and sometimes a form fitting leather jacket, skirts of skinny jeans can accompany this as well as necklaces and fashionable jewelry. Gwen possesses several pairs of shoes which can go with almost any outfits including a pair of tan-brown zip up high healed boots.

One of Gwen's favourite outfits consists of a somewhat dark blue shirt with a cat face design in the centre, the shirt starts in a blue so dark it's almost black and fades to a lighter blue as it goes down yet does not get any lighter then the middle of the shirt's colour, the cat head design being the lightest colour blue on the shirt. Above this shirt is a vest outlined with purple surrounding the blue of the pockets and medium blue sections of the vest. This vest allows the long dark blue almost back sleeves to be not only visible but kind of pop out. The vest has a collar which can button up if so chosen but does not have to be buttoned up. Gwen's pants are white in colour and extend to just above her ankles. The shoes that go with this outfit are white with blue tops with white buckle strap things that aren't buckled.

A few other outfits Gwen possesses for days of more hot temperature include such things as white or black shorts which are rather short yet not too short, a purple or pink tank top and white running shoes.

Aside from these more female geared clothes, Gwen also enjoys dressing in clothes more on the Masculine side, yet not too much so. These include such things as baggy pants, hoodies, some of which are slightly to big for her, and sports Gear.

UNIFORM:
Gwendolyn's current uniform is the standard black and gold uniform worn by all New X-Men, this is skin tight and has the X symbol on the belt. When in this uniform, Gwen wears her hair up in a high or low ponytail to keep it out of her way.

Future Uniform:

Gwen’s future uniform isn’t like allot of the others, it consists of a skin tight whole body suit. It was a very dark purple, nearly black. On her feet are a set of shoes which might seam like Ballet shoes due to the fact they are the same colour as the body suit, light purple gloves with over sized cuffs. Around her waist sits a medium purple utility belt with square pouches all along it. In the middle of the belt is a black circle, outlined in light purple, with a red "x" on top.

POWERS

GENERAL DESCRIPTION:

Energy Manipulation:
Gwen has the power of energy manipulation, this means that she is able to draw energy of almost any kind from around her to utilize in any given way. She can absorb energy such as electricity and solar energy, giving her and almost constant source of energy during the day while in the night she must use external sources such as electrical wires. She is able to create constructs with this energy given enough practice and concentration, the most common of these being shields or energy balls. Gwen is able to create things such as platforms, which she is able to use to hover in the air. The platforms the girl is able to create can hold about 200 pounds of weight and can last about five to seven minutes at most before disappearing.

Gwen is able to make dummy creatures, for a lack of better wording. These constructs can take any form desired by Gwen herself, though the larger the form the more energy is used to create it and the less time it lasts. If for example, Gwen created a dummy energy creature the size of a four year old child, it would last about an hour tops before disappearing or breaking apart. However if the construct was the size of an eight foot tall humanoid, it would only last for around 20 minutes before breaking apart. Gwen is able to make these creatures move, by pouring energy into it over time or using a larger amount of energy upon creation then would be needed for a dummy of the particular size. This is more draining of course and serves little purpose aside from mobilizing the creatures to attack or distract an enemy.

These constructs generally take a constantly flowing amount of energy and are therefore more difficult to keep up for long periods of time. Gwen is also able to create dummy creatures with a fixed amount of energy, which she would not have to constantly add to in order to maintain.

These creatures can be overloaded by other energies quite easily as they cannot absorb the impacting energies or can be destroyed with certain physical pressure. The smaller the creature the easier it would be to destroy.

WEAKNESS:
Gwen is unable to absorb such energies as nuclear energy or those of people’s powers or life forces. She is unable to maintain constant streaming of energy for longer then an hour without feeling extreme effects such as dizziness and nausea. Gwen will pass out if she’s used too much energy or is sent a larger wave of energy then she is able to handle. Example, if she’s blasted by energy stronger then what she is putting out at the time and her energy is broken through and she’s hit with her own energy and that of the other person.

OTHER ABILITIES:
These are not exactly abilities. Gwen has had years of martial arts training in Karate, dabbling slightly in a few others though not advancing past the beginner levels in them. She enjoys Karate and has found that she is rather good at it as it is the only martial arts class she has advanced in to a higher level though not the highest..

She is very good at computers and fixing/programing them as she has held a temp job doing such: She has taken many classes on the computer topic in school as electives as well as some advanced computer courses and is developing her skills in this field. This does not however mean that she is an expert as she has focused mainly on things like website design and the like.

PERSONALITY

Gwen is a very kind person and will at times go out of her way to help if she thinks someone could use it. She is very caring toward her family, friends and most others, assuming they stick by her as much as she would them. However, she dislikes those who are intolerant of mutants and are unwilling to even try to understand them. This bothers her as she can’t see why certain people wouldn’t at least give mutants a chance. Knowing the ways of humankind yet not fully understanding them as a whole, Gwen has pretty much decided that if she doesn’t understand some psychological aspect of the human brain then she’ll either research it, or she’ll just let it be.

Gwen is a very smart young woman, partially because she retains information well and partly because she works her butt off to maintain the knowledge she needs for the time. She takes her education very seriously and, though now out of high school continues to take it seriously though a little less so. Gwen has enrolled herself in various activities over her life from martial arts, to soccer and enjoys most of the things she has learned to do. Gwen will take any opportunity to learn she can get and will get as much from it as possible.

Gwendolyn loves being in the New X-Men, even if it's to a small capacity then she might like , working her way up is something she looks forward to doing. Gwen is rather stealthy when she wants to be and, despite her kind nature is very cautious and wary of those around her as, being a mutant she knows the sting of betrayal and the looks of those around who knew or suspect of what she is. She knows the looks of cruelty and hatred and those that once used to be kind and now are not. Due to this, when first meeting Gwen one may receive a rather cold or less then pleasant first impression. Gwen has found herself in situations that are less then pleasant due to her kind nature and wish to look for the good in most people; this has lead to betrayals and hurt over her life. Though untrusting as she may be at times, the overall kind trusting nature she naturally has at times wins over the wary and skepticism

Gwen is, due to her intelligent nature, a very calculating person who tends to try to think ahead in as many situations as she can. This can sometimes and quite easily lead to over thinking situations or, making a solution to a rather simple issue far more complex then it needs to be.

Gwen has a passion for writing stories whether they be made up or accounts of actual events in a journalistic manner. This young mutant is always curious about the going's on of others, though not in that snobby gossipy way but rather in a *might find something interesting* way or in a way which is beneficial to people around her, she loves journalism and would like to pursue a career in the field as she is naturally curious and is good at computers, wanting to put her talents to use. This curiosity tends to get her in trouble as she tries to get involved in things she probably shouldn't get into yet, knowing this doesn't seam to stop her!

HISTORY: PRE-APOCALYPSE
Many years ago, a married couple named Thanh and Paula Nguyen would have a son, but only one white in Vietnam where Thanh had lived his entire life. Over the course of their dating lives and their first year or so of marriage, Paula would tell her husband tales of America where she'd spent her adolescent life till college, taking an exchange student program to Vietnam where she would meet her future husband and father to her son. The two would eventually take their first son to America, Thanh becoming very curious and wishing to move to America for a few different reasons, one being that he wanted to meet his wife's sister and have his son meet the rest of his mother's side of the family.

Two years after their departure to the U.S. and once the family had settled in the couple would try for another child only to discover that Paula's womb was too hostile to carry a second child without possible miscarriage or complications and harm to the fetus. The couple then began to discuss adoption and a two years after this, after waiting for quite a while the couple adopted their second child, an infant by the couple would name Bao, while his brother was half Vietnamese and half American, he looked more on his father's Vietnamese while his adoptive brother was fully American.

Many years later, Bao would meet his own true love, a women named Natasha Grey, the two fell in love and would eventually start their own family, starting with the birth of their own son and a few years later, a daughter.

----------

Gwendolyn Devin Nguyen was born to two loving parents as their second child, having a son before the birth of their daughter. Her father, having had a brother beforehand knew how to handle the three year old son the two had before their daughter but didn’t entirely know how to handle having a daughter, her mother though had both a sister and brother and knew how to handle both children easily enough. Though as every family did, theirs had it’s own issues but nothing worth mentioning. Bao had a job as a lawyer and made fairly good money while Natasha was a stay at home mom who taught Karate classes to children, beginning the instructions in the art with her own children very early on in their lives.

Gwen lived a rather simple childhood, one which most normal children would live, her parents loved her and her brother did as well and she loved them, Gwen, as is cliché, had attached herself to her father, idolizing the man as he was successful and to him, she was his little girl. She and her brother were very close, him teaching her the karate moves me learned in the older class taught by his mother in their spare time during plaid such games as cops and robbers, it’d turn into Karate cops and robbers.

School was not something Gwen found herself enjoying, that wasn’t to say she didn’t like the assignments and teachers as she did, but the students were a different story; most being cruel and taunting her and being overall bullies. She had a few friends, two to four who cared for her and that was enough, that was all she really needed. One day, during the sixth grade one of her friends had left, rumors of the boy turning out to be a mutant flooding the school. This bothered the young girl and her two remaining friends, one female and one male.

Gwen, grew to idolize her brother and tried to do everything he did, from becoming better at Karate to joining any sport he was in, Soccer being her favorite and the one she excelled in, Hockey being one she didn’t do particularly well in and thus, Hockey became her brother’s main sport while Soccer became hers. The children spending every day after school at some activity, practice or or game or another.

She grew up in a very stable home though her father worked allot, his job being very important and providing for the family. For almost nine years the family lived in a normal blissful way till one day everything fell apart. One night, while driving home from an indoor soccer game during winter, the game having been several hours out of the small town the family lived in. The car they were in swerved on a patch of black ice while going past a corner and crashed into a ditch, the car lighting on fire soon enough. The children, both managing just barely to get out of the car before blacking out near the side of the road.

The two woke up the next morning in the hospital, their grandmother and grandfather waiting with horrific news, as far as anyone knew, Bao and Natasha Nguyen had died, no bodies were found however so no one was sure. The children were soon enough, taken in by their grandparents. During this time Henry developed mutant powers, empathic in nature. Both grandparents were ecstatic as they too were mutants though neither their adoptive or biological sons were. His grandfather taught the young boy some tricks he’d learned to use as a young man himself to control of his powers, having the similar powers to his own. The family spent allot of time traveling all over the U.S, the children being homeschool by their grandmother who had been a teacher before retiring.


Upon age eleven however, once puberty had started for her, something else occurred, something less common then a girl’s beginnings into womanhood, a mutation occurred, not one of a physical nature or one of the same type of as her brother’s however but rather, one of a more intricate nature. She’d been sitting in her *room* working on some work assigned by her grandmother when the girl’s hand came into contact with the battery charged pencil sharpener, this caused a spark of light to emanate from the sharpener to the girl’s fingers in a small stream. Gwen of course, informed her grand parents of this development and her own power controlling training began, though it was not something that she excelled in.

Over the next few years, Gwen would continue in her writing and other activities such as the sports which she’d dropped for a few months after the deaths of her parents.

Gwen would keep in touch with her old school friends, talking to them by email or by phone once or twice a week. Her grandparents making her keep her powers a secret from her friends, enforcing the fact that normal people didn’t like mutants and would exploit or hurt them if given the chance: However they still tried to make sure that their grandchildren didn’t hate normal people or avoid them, however the paranoia was still there.

DURING APOCALYPSE (April 7th through April 12th, 2009)

At age thirteen, the reason for paranoia and fear grew more within the girl, as the End of the World was to begin, people hid in fear as Apocalypse came, giving some people yet another excuse to hate mutants more, one was attacking and trying to destroy the world! This lasted for almost a week, the family having ended up in New York during this time; getting up close and personal with some of the creatures of Apocalypse, fending them off as best they could before retreating into their motorhome and taking it somewhere safe, fighting only when needed as her grandmother having offensive powers and her grandfather utilizing guns and whatever other weapons he could use.

Soon enough everyone was able to return to the outside world, or what was left of it. People had died, some they'd known of and other's they did not know of had as well.

This was the time where the family would learn of the Xavier’s institute for Gifted youths, now in shambles. This peeked the girl’s interest and she awaited for news of the school.

POST-APOCALYPSE
Slowly the world began to get back to normal, as normal as it could go back to being, the fear of evil mutants once more coming after the world etched in the back of everyone's minds and so, the paranoia remained.

During this brief time of peace, the girl would begin to inquire about the school and the possibility of joining. Her grandparents were not surprise by this as, though they could help in their own the ways their granddaughter both needed and wanted contact with other mutants, those not just in her family. The small family would began to investigate till they finally located the remainder of the school, finding a few last remaining people left behind, or rather finishing up clearing the area as it hadn’t been longer then a week or since Apocalypse had attacked. The girl would go with them then to the location of the rest of the mutants from the school, or those who’d both survived and chosen to remain with the school.
The girl would continue to work on her schooling to continue with her studies and catch up on any of the possible things she’d missed and try to get ahead.

The normalcy wouldn't last though; people calling themselves Purifiers surfaced, with their hatred of mutants strong and firm.

Before life could begin to gain any semblance of normalcy however, the Skrulls would make their appearance known in a big way. The aliens taking Gwen and one of her cousins being taken for experimentation. The Skrulls unlocking the girl's own power in order to make her into something usable for their invasion, using Gwen's own powers and expanding them so the girl was able to create strange dummy creatures out of the energy she took. The Skrulls tortured the teenaged girl in hopes of breaking her. This didn't last long though as the aliens were soon defeated and everyone who were still alive were returned to their homes.
This would lead to allot of future nightmares.

Soon Gwen and her cousin, whom had met up with the teen girl a few years prior and kept in touch whenever possible, would enroll in Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youths, or what was being rebuilt. The teen would attend the school for their last few years of high school, learning to begin to master her powers as best they could.

Gwen would manage to graduate high school half a year early and take that time to reconnect with some long lost relatives. Gwen would begin to attend college where she would take writing classes, computer classes and, wanting to put herself through school at least partially while still dipping into a fair sized college fund which had been started for by her parents upon her birth many years before. Though able to use the entire fund for her schooling the girl would only use part of it, wanting to save the rest for when she would need it. She would take a paid internship at a computer firm, starting off as a P.A. which is the position she currently holds.

Shortly before her seventeenth birthday, Gwen returned once more to Xavier’s. Upon arriving she attempted to gain a spot in the New X-men.

She continues her college as much as she can, reducing her class amount to that of a part time student to fit in her internship as well as anything else she might have planned.
Gwen has kept in touch with her brother who, like her has gone to college to persue a career in the medical field, his grandparents continuing to travel, calling every so often to check up on their grandchildren.

SAMPLE RP POST:

The moon shone high in the sky, stars that were there, but unseen thanks to the lights of the city, which surrounded every person in every single direction that could be turned, stretching miles and miles each way. The occasional light breeze blowing past the bustling streets of people going about their mundane tasks of their mundane lives, repeating the process of whatever they were doing over and over again; it was kind of redundant.

At a small coffee shop on the corner of a well lit street, sat a figure with long red hair though this is unable to be seen due to the grey hood which hid the female’s hair quite well, arms folded over each other on the small yellow coloured square table which held nothing more then a small stack of coasters with strangely pink flower designs, cherry blossoms if she had to guess. A messily folded up newspaper lay to the side by the window, no doubt left by the last occupant of the table the girl now sat at.

Pale hand slipping from it’s place resting awkwardly on the table to grasp the newspaper and slide it over toward herself, other hand shifting to open to the first page of interest, the front page news.

Something about mutants, a sigh escaped the girl’s lips as she thought about this for a few seconds: Wasn’t it always about mutants these days? It was and she knew it. Emerald eyes scanned the article as the girl awaited her order of a coffee to arrive, it was taking a while though that was understandable…there was just the one waitress. Eyes closing briefly as the women turned from the page of slanderous news in regards to her kind, how frustrating.

The thin hand, which rested on the newspaper moved slowly to the hood of the grey sweater to remove it allowing almost the full extent of the girl’s hair to be seen. Long orangey-red hair extended down the girl’s back and under the sweater, some falling over her right shoulder to pool slightly on the table. The girl’s hand stroked through the somewhat messy hair, straightening it just enough to not look like she’d just woken up from sleeping at the table…she hadn’t but not everyone would know that.

Another sigh escaped the girl’s lips as she turned the newspaper page onto the obituary section, she’d skip the comics and fun stuff for the time being, come back to it later. Bright emerald orbs scanned the obituary section, taking in the names and briefly wondering if any of the listed were mutants or not, she’d heard of some of these people, some important and others not so much. She frowned briefly as she read the name before closing her eyes somewhat tightly. “Good.” She mumbled to herself before turning the page to the comics. It made her relieved to know none of her friends had died, none of those few people she had in her life that she actually cared about.

“Excuse me miss, here is your coffee.” Stated the waitress in a kind soft voice as she placed the standard white coffee mug on the table slightly to the side of the girl. Gwen’s eyes snapped up to the women a bit surprised, she’d gotten a bit too lost in her thoughts and what she was reading, she’d forgotten about the order. A small smile creased her lips as she nodded at the women. “Thank you very much.” She replied, her own voice kind yet somehow distant.

The waitress looked at the girl as her own chocolate brown eyes fell upon the newspaper. “So…um, that whole mutie thing is still going on huh.” The waitress said, obviously unsure of how the girl would react. Gwen’s eyes fixated on the blonde waitress as the smile which had formally been on her face dissolved into a stonewall look. “Mutants….They’re Mutants, not Muties.” She corrected the women, voice calm with just a hint of annoyance. “And the Mutie Thing, as you so put it, is being blown far more out of proportion then I needs to be.” She finished, the hand which had been resting on the table drifting slightly toward the coffee to pick it up.

The Waitress frowned and nodded. “..ok…” was all she could think to say in response to the redhead’s comment before turning and walking away, back to her work no doubt. Gwen scoffed to herself at this women, she knew nothing, assumed mutants were all monsters no doubt. The smile that had been on the teen’s lips returned though more like a smirk then a smile. “If only you know how many of the people you serve are probably mutants.” She stated in a low enough voice that no one heard the little comment.

She sipped at the coffee as she continued to read the comics with their strange talking cats…where they meant to be mutants?

WORD COUNT:
827
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Mystique
Unregistered

Okay, Charm. Not gonna lie. We have a lot of work to do if this is going to pass through. I'm just going to buck through my issues quickly with this. If I seem curt or mean, that is not my intention, I'm just trying to be quick and efficient.

The [ img ] tags aren't working because you're hotlinking. Upload the picture to a host such as photobucket, tinypic, or imageshack and try again.

While we're on that, Alyson Hannigan is pretty, but hardly passes for someone under the age of 20 any more. It's not exactly a dealbreaker, but I can help you look for someone more fitting if you'd rather.

Single is not a Sexual Orientation. Hetero, Homo, or Bisexual please.

Tag is off in her Base of Operations. Remove the space from the first bold tag.

If you're going for a completionist achievement, there is also Foxx (Annabeth Williams) who is an Older Sister and Graydon Creed, who is an older Brother, both of whom would be unknown to her.

Hometown would be Washington, D.C.

Uniform; First off, someone that young needs to be exemplary in service to be an active X-Men team member, which is something you have to talk about with Scott Summers' player. She'd more likely be a student, or at very best, New X-Men, in which case she'd have the standard gold and black training uniforms. You earn your fancy colors here.

Powers:
The Powers and weaknesses sections are sufficient if a bit grammatically sloppy, take a few moments and read these two sections aloud to yourself, some of the read strangely and I had to go over it a couple times to make sure I got it.

The "additional abilities" part though is a bit much. That much martial arts training is beyond a 17 year old American Kid in the 90s unless she practiced for hours upon hours a day, every day, which your application does not make much mention of her doing aside from a vague nod in the personality. This is a very trade-mark MarySue-ism, and I think you should remove it.

Personality:
Mostly fine. Full of typos. I know this sounds grammar Nazi-ish, but we're a high level site that's been around for almost six years now. We reserve the right to require good spelling.

History:
Good enough, again, typo filled (run this thing through spell check), but then a few paragraphs in.

Quote:
 
Years passed, the desperation for a reunion with her father growing more and more inside the child as she aged, Gloria and her mother accepting the fact the man was never coming home and trying to ensure Gwen did the same, she wouldn’t though, she couldn’t, it was unthinkable! About a year after the discovery that her husband had been a spy,


That paragraph just drops off.

And then it all sort of falls apart at:

Quote:
 
Desperate to get her father back, and frightened of being discovered by the remains of her family and possibly forced to leave as well, the girl left of her own accord, taking that which she would need, all her ambition for the journey finally leaving their planning stages. Upon her departure one Friday night in which she was left alone while her mother was at work and sister out with friends, the child had left a bit of a mess behind, rummaging through her room for misplaced important objects she’d need to add to the long time developed bags. The child ventured out, cutting her then long hair to the length of a boy and making herself as unidentifiable as possible short of self mutilation: The girl took several busses, using the money she’d been saving for years to support herself. Eventually, the child made her way to New York City where she would remain for quite a while.


Now, I'm not trying to naysay for the sake of it, but you're telling me a Thirteen year old girl had enough money stashed to make a run at subsisting on her own for an extended amount of time in New York City, one of the most expensive places to live in the country? It's a little early is all. Had she done this more recently, like 16 or 17, I might be able to believe it, but in the modern age she'd be found and taken to an Orphanage unless she fought back, in which case she might even be put in Juvie or a Reform school.

From here on out your history needs some work. Not as much as you might think, but that one facet of her history sort of makes this character wholly unbelievable and I'm not going to give it my stamp until it's fixed.

The gist is that you have her too accomplished for her age. There are of course savants in the world but this is an example of too much. Tone back her bad-ass sue-ishness and throw on some polish and this application will be good.


Roleplay Sample:
Meets wordcount requirements, but really there is nothing of the character to it. This is going to need to be your best. It's not what we expect you to post EVERY time, but it is our first real glimpse of your character in action, so I think you should redo it and give a bit more.


This is a lot to do, and I want you to take your time with it. There is potential here, there really is, but you need to trim away the fat, so to speak.

After all, your bloodline has a reputation to keep.
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Charmcaster
Unregistered

Ok, So I fixed the bolding codes.

I wrote the app in word document and fixed every spelling mistake I found and according to word document at least, there aren't anymore spelling or grammer mistakes.

I added to the RP sample, so now it's like 800 words I hope it's ok. It's the best I can do without someone else to RP with.

I have now fixed the image and changed the Play By.

I hope this is satisfactory now .
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Mystique
Unregistered

Charm, we've done this dance a few times now, and to be completely and a hundred percent honest, this character is fine as their own entity but not as a child of Mystique. I understand you've worked on this quite a bit but honestly it's just not sorted and it's just not in line with something I think is going to work long term. If you wish to salvage personality and powers that's fine, but as a daughter of Mystique, I just don't feel she works.

Mystiques children, if mutant, would very likely have a physical mutation of some kind in addition to whatever effective powers they have.

I've tried to let a lot of things slide to accomodate your adaptations to her established history during that time but too much sits changed to do so, and so I'm afraid I'm going to have to just say no to the familial connection.

Restructure your history to reflect this and this review will continue.
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Charmcaster
Unregistered

I redid the history and such things that needed to be fixed, I hope this is ok.
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Omega Red
Unregistered

Just a thing about her last name. She's Caucasian and I'm assuming her family is as well. And while you haven't specified a hometown(which you need to do by the way), I'm pretty sure it's in America.

The problem I'm seeing is that the families last name is Nguyen, which is an Asian(specifically Vietnamese) family/last name. Henry James Nguyen, Natasha Nguyen, etc... It kinda stands out to me with you wanting her to be unique or something. But logic states that they simply wouldn't have that name as they aren't Vietnamese, never even seemingly went to Vietnam, and the father would have no reason to change his last name from whatever normal(in context) name he had. It just doesn't make sense.
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Charmcaster
Unregistered

I fixed it, changed some names and added an explanation as to the last name.
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Betsy Braddock
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
Charm, I am sorry this app has become inactive. Are you still wanting to join? Please let us know by March 18th or we'll have to take that as a no and move it to denied.
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Charmcaster
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Hi, yes I do still wish to join and as I mentioned earlier, I explained what needed to be explained and fixed stuffs so as far as I know everything is what you asked for.
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Betsy Braddock
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
Charmcaster,

We’re sorry things have taken so long. We don’t do that kind of thing to be mean or anything like that. Unfortunately a lot of things haven’t worked from the first version of your character and honestly, I think a lot of things that you have kept, don’t work without the previous cement.

First off, the name – I know you were asked to justify the name or change the playby accordingly, etc, but it just seems a little weakly tacked on so you don’t have to hunt down anything extra and make the character extra interesting. If you bulk up the rest of the app, the name is far from the most important point, so I just wanted to get that out of the way first.

You also need to really watch your typing – there are several instances of misused words from the start to end of this application, punctuation errors and sentences that generally don’t make sense. Please proof read and use a good spell check to help you.


1. If you’re going to use Alison Mack as a 17 year old, it’ll work if you use her old Smallville pics. What will not work is turning her into some kind of Chloe ‘homage’. You even have an alias of hers as Chloe – on that matter, I don’t know why she needs so many aliases. You also have her as a budding computer whiz and wannabe journalist. These aren’t bad traits but it’s blatantly transferring quirks from her character, into what should be your own work.

2. New X-men, or the Legacy Squad as they’re now called, are well trained individuals who have skills they’ve learnt at the school or elsewhere and can apply. If you want her to be in this team, especially at the age of 17, you need to talk to Cyclops. I’ll go over her school experience later.

3. Powers – be more specific. You say she can draw almost any kind of energy, so that means not all energy. So, what energy is it that she draws in? I know you say she can’t take nuclear energy or life force, but what about solar energy, kinetic, etc?

You talk a lot about her dummy constructs, but what is the point of them? Are they defensive shields? Can she make them move?

I’d like a little more detail on her other skills with her powers as well, such as her platforms. How long can they last, how much weight can they support? Think in those sorts of terms.

If she enjoys karate that’s fine and dandy, but she’s not going to be ‘rather good at it’ if she’s been in it for years and hasn’t advanced from beginner classes.

4. Personality –

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Gwen is a very smart young women, smarter then allot of others she has known of her age, partially because she retains information well and partly because she works her butt off to maintain the knowledge she needs for the time.


Please don’t assume she’s smarter than others, especially in a world where people have abilities that can increase their learning capabilities and intelligence levels. She can be smart, but don’t right off the bat state she’s smarter than most people she’s met.

I’ve already said about the journalism thing – it’s a fine character trait, an interesting story, but it just seems too much like you’re adding it because of the playby and instead of a valid trait, it comes off as a bit of a gimmick.

Overall it isn’t bad, but be careful as the last paragraph just seems a filler about her likes and dislikes crammed in after saying how smart and cautious she is, and it feels a little off balance because of this.


5. History –

The history skips around at first and doesn’t flow very well, as you repeat information a lot. You keep telling us she had a stable home life, she played with her brother and was close and that her father worked away. This is all good background stuff, but we don’t need to be reminded.


What is the significance of the parents bodies not being found? Surely there is one, or you wouldn’t have included it, as it does not make sense otherwise.


The grandparents being mutants is happenstance and honestly, it is VERY rare that parents are now passing on powers to offspring, never mind it going back a couple of generations. Did the Grandfather have empathic powers? If not, how could he teach control? Mutant powers vary vastly and if you do not share a power, without the experience of teaching others, it can be like teaching a person to ride a horse when you can only ride a bicycle.


Where were they during Apocalypse? Not everyone would have come into contact with converts, that aspect of the plot was very area specific.


The Purifiers came before the Skrulls, so make sure that lines up.

If you ARE going to have her kidnapped by the Skrulls, that’s fine, but you need to understand the plot, the subsequent rescue and how that affected her as a person. I see nothing in her personality that relates to this.


Again, you’re skipping around and it doesn’t make much sense. The school was in the Savage Land from September 2011 and returned recently, so contact with her cousin would be difficult, but I have no idea when this is supposed to be happening.

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Shortly before her seventeenth birthday, Gwen returned to Xavier’s. Upon arriving she attempted to gain a spot in the New X-men, receiving the position on the team.


I’m not sure anymore – I know she was at the school briefly in a previous incarnation, but I am confused by the overall choppy editing. Is she returning or a new member? Your ‘time at the institute’ reads four years, but I can’t see this anywhere. At 17, she certainly would HAVE to be a student with no experience beforehand.


She graduated a year and a half early – impressive despite the fact her education seems disrupted – and where are her brother and grandparents while she’s putting herself through college with her paid internship (which is beyond lucky for a 17 year old) and her trust fund? Again, I am confused and the fact your history is all out of order is not helpful in the least. I am going to just ask that you fully re-write the whole history, as you’ve clearly been editing around everything and it’s ended up a tangled mess.




I am sorry if this comes across harsh or mean, I’m not trying to slam your work. You had a lot of interesting ideas and wanted to make them work, tried and then it didn’t pan out, but we won’t hold that against you, we just need to see a cleaner break from the old app to the new and that will include a lot of hard work.

If you need help, please contact me or another staff member and we will assist, but basically, a lot of this is going to have to be started from scratch, the superfluous details about smoothies and so many uniforms cast out and the hard facts and foundations of the characters put into place. Please post a response when your edits are done, thanks :)
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Charmcaster
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I think I've fixed everything, except the image as I can't find one. I explained the last name in the history and did the best reworking I could manage. hope its ok.
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Cyclops
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Punches from the Punch Dimension
we have to talk about being on the New X-Men/ Legacy Squad
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Betsy Braddock
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
This is still riddled with mistakes and inaccuracies - I am not sure you have totally followed my previous feedback. There are still a lot of mistakes in the history that I have pointed out and received no explanation for.

I am going to be very brief and I apologise if this sounds mean, but this is getting to the point of impossible.


1. The Pre Apocalypse is still a little choppy and you keep making typing errors - some we forgive but the overall volume in your app is a little worrying.

2. The parents mysteriously missing bodies. What is the significance? If you don't answer me, I am not going to allow this as it's silly otherwise.

3. The grandparents just so happening to be mutants and being able to teach control. It's conveniently perfect. This sort of thing happens but it stacks up as almost Sue-ish when added to the rest of her character.

4. Apoc - how did they find out about the school? It was not public knowledge and this is just random that they find out about it and just wait around in their motorhome.

5. Again, the school wasn't public knowledge, so how is she asking about it? You can set it up so someone came to recruit her and her brother, but if it's someone like Cyclops, you MUST ask the player first.

6. The school was destroyed in 2011, not during the Apocalypse. You're showing a real lack of understanding in this section of history and frankly, it's a bit of a mess and I'm not even sure if you have done as I asked and REWRITTEN this whole section. I take no pleasure whatsoever in saying I don't understand your flow of events, in fact it makes me a little sad. I could go on, but I'm not sure it's really sinking in.



I am seriously not trying to be mean to you, but things are just not good. I know you've been trying and trying and you've been waiting for a very long time, but this needs to show some serious improvement as well as a greater understanding of the plot, or it might just be that it won't ever work.

Please take the offer of getting help over AIM or PM, we can't make things work without communication. I'm sorry again if this is harsh, but we cannot keep going over all of this, but your patience so far has been noted.
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Songbird
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I'm going to move this to denied, due to the fact that it hasn't been worked on in over a week and it has been up for review for close to two months without getting straightened out properly.

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