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| Smith, Jordan; Metazoa | |
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| Topic Started: Apr 29 2013, 04:00 AM (1,376 Views) | |
| Metazoa | Apr 29 2013, 04:00 AM Post #1 |
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Unregistered
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[align=center]PLAYER INFORMATION[/align] NAME: Tyler CONTACT: Thei3lackness (Skype) HOW YOU FOUND US: Google OTHER CHARACTERS ON THE SITE N/A RULES CODE: Blackbird CREDIT WHERE IT'S DUE: Wikipedia: Animal classes Mammals of Zimbabwe [align=center]CHARACTER INFORMATION[/align] [align=center] ![]() Frank Ocean [/align] BASIC INFORMATION CANON OR ORIGINAL: Original AFFILIATION: X-Student (Jr Training Lvl) FULL NAME: Jordan Thomas Smith, Jr. CODENAME: Metazoa NICKNAMES: J.J CURRENT AGE: 17 DATE OF BIRTH: January 8, 1996 MARITAL STATUS: Single SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual BASE OF OPERATIONS: Xavier Institute TIME AT INSTITUTE: New Student REGISTERED WITH SHIELD? Nope HOMETOWN: N/A, born and raised on a game reserve in Zimbabwe. KNOWN RELATIVES: Dr. Jordan Thomas Smith, Sr. (Father), Dr. Abeni Smith (Mother), Daniel Blackwell (Uncle) Jamie Blackwell (Aunt), Dwayne Blackwell (Cousin) PHYSICAL APPEARANCE HEIGHT: 6'0 BUILD: J.J has a slender build EYES: Dark Brown HAIR: Short dark brown hair DISTINGUISHING MARKS: CLOTHING STYLE: J.J will wear just about anything though his normal clothing routine generally revolves around T-Shirts and jeans. As for the jeans he prefers to wear normal blue to dark blue jeans. He prefers them to be somewhat baggy but, not so loose they fall right off. UNIFORM: None Yet POWERS GENERAL DESCRIPTION: Metazoan Mimicry: J.J can take on the physical traits of many animals. These traits are always physical traits and never adaptions. This is accomplished by his power changing how his body works. In order to mimic an animal he must first establish a bond (See secondary power) J.J can mimic a maximum of five animals at the same time. J.J can only copy animals from the following animal classes Amphibia, Aves, Crustaceans, Cephalopod, Chondrichthyes, Mammalia, Osteichthyes, and Reptilia. While dogs and cats may be relatively easy to find animals such as ones with extremely low populations would be nearly impossible. List of animals which J.J can mimic: African Bush Elephant African Clawless Otter African Leopard African Lion African Wild Dog Cheetah Ground Pangolin Honey Badger White rhinoceros Yellow-footed Squirrel Animal Bonds: J.J has the ability to feel an animal's emotions. Upon sensing the emotion he'll normally begin to feel the same way. Aside from being able to gain the animal's emotions he can do the opposite and push his emotions onto the animals. Both if these abilities take a few seconds to work but, once they do he or the animal will be under its effect until one of them leave the other. Once he and the animal have bonded it will last even after death allowing J.J to mimic the animals’ abilities. WEAKNESS: While J.J can mimic the abilities of a lot of animals he can't copy the abilities of arachnids, insects, or clitella. While that may not seem like a large deal it effectively cuts him off from nearly 70% of the animal kingdom. As said earlier he can only mimic a max of five animal abilities at one time. Attempting to allow more abilities will lead to J.J passing out, possible damage to his psyche, and possibly the loss of some if not all his established animal bonds. J.J can only stay under the effects of a copied ability for four hours and after that he'll have to rest an hour before he can mimic any abilities again. Aside from the normal stuff such as bullets, energy attacks, and blunt force strikes to his body J.J's biggest weakness are mental attacks. Mental attacks can not only do the normal mental thing such as control over his freewill, steal memories, etc. It can also destroy his bond with an animal causing him to lose his ability to mimic said animal. PERSONALITY J.J is a naturally caring person believing both people and animals should be treated with respect until proven otherwise. J.J isn't shy around people his age rather he's somewhat uncomfortable. He's spent most of his life on a game reserve where there were only a few other children. Even after he lived in America he's still fairly uncomfortable around his peers until he gets to know them. He's more of a follower than a leader and doesn't really take initiative to make friends. If he's invited to go somewhere with someone he'll normally go but, usually because he'll feel guilty if he says no. That’s not to say he doesn't have fun on these outings. It's just whenever he first goes out he feels rather uncomfortable before someone or something loosens him up. When it comes to normal teenage stuff J.J is split about 50/50. He does enjoy movies and computers but, finds things such as television and cellphones completely frustrating. He finds the latter loud and fairly useless believing that if two people want to talk they should do it face to face. The thing he enjoys the most however are comic books. Aside from reading old books and seeing the animals with his parents reading his dad's old comic books were one of the most exciting things he could do. HISTORY: PRE-APOCALYPSE Most kids will have a cat or dog in their lives during their childhood but, not J.J. He instead was raised around thousands of exotic animal species some of which most people could only dream to see. Maybe I should explain J. J’s story a little bit. He was born in a small hospital near the Victoria Falls. He wasn't born in a town or city or even a village but, rather one of the largest game reserves in the world. His parents were both doctors at the reserve his father was a Zoologist from Chicago and his mother a exotic animal veterinarian for the reserve who was a local. Growing up his parents would always introduce him to different wild animals. They would start small with animals like a squirrels or shrews until he was old enough to handle larger animals such as a pangolin or an otter. His parents would never take him out to see overly aggressive or dangerous animals such as an elephant or a lion because they knew their young son simply wasn't ready. As much as he enjoyed going on these trips with his parents they were normally few and far between. Especially once he became old enough to go to school. School for J.J was different than what normal kids are used to. His school was specifically for the children whose parents worked and lived on the reserve. It was mixed-age type school meaning all the kids regardless of age. The school was very small as it only consisted of twelve students including J.J. He was never very fond of school. He was always daydreaming and wishing he could go out and see the animals with his parents. J.J began to fight his parents about going to school. He didn’t enjoy it and thought that he could learn more by going out to see the animals with his parents. His parents understood where he was coming from they were never very fond of the schooling he was given and often believed that he deserved better but, they knew there weren’t many schools in the area. Though his parents had hoped that by changing the environment in which he was he could begin to enjoy school. That’s when his father had an idea. His father had a sister in New York that they would send him to live with. J.J had only met his Aunt twice. They didn't visit often as they were uncomfortable around all the wild animals and we're exactly thrilled with the idea of a 20+ hour flight. J.J didn't want to go to New York he wanted to stay and help his parents. He eventually realized that there was nothing he could do about it and that he was stuck going to New York to live with his aunt, uncle, and cousin. As a reward for going his parents let him join them on an outing to study a small pack of lions. J.J had already seen one of the lions as it had come it while it was still a cub as its mother was shot and killed by poachers. His mother and her associates helped raise it till they felt it was strong enough to survive in the wild. It had been sometime since the lion had been released and he and his parents knew that the lion wouldn’t remember them. They drove around the reserve and searched for the lion using a gps device and a chip that had been implanted in the lion. After searching for a few hours they saw no signal of the lion, they we’re preparing to return home when suddenly they were surrounded by a group of lionesses. They knew they were in no danger from the lions as they had no way of entering the jeep however, the sun was beating down on them and if they weren’t able to leave soon the side effects would be dangerous. It had been nearly an hour as the lionesses continued to circle the jeep. J.J was beginning to worry as he knew all this sun couldn’t be good for his family. The worry began to grow to panicking which finally grew into fear but, his emotions suddenly changed. As if a small flame of bravery ignited inside of him he knew that they would be okay as someone, or something was there to help them. And he was correct the lion that they had cared for approached as if some mystical savior. He let out a bellowing roar and the lionesses quickly ran towards him. His parents were amazed at the sight and assumed that they were part of his pride. Normally they would have gone after him but, after that episode they decided to head home and call it a day. J.J didn’t want to return home as he knew the in the morning he would be heading to New York. He tossed and turned that night having nightmares of many of the animals around the reserve being killed by poachers. In the morning he told his parents about it but, the calmed his nerves by reminding him that poaching in the area had been at an all-time low. He was somewhat reassured but, still upset by the dream. His parents promised him that everything would be okay while he was gone as they began to drive to the airport. DURING APOCALYPSE (April 7th through April 12th, 2009) They said their goodbyes and sent him on his way reassuring themselves that this was for the best and that he would return soon. J.J on the other hand was terrified. He had never been out of the country let alone the continent plus, he had never flown on a plane before. The flight attendants and woman he had been placed next to reassured him that it was fine and that everything would be okay. They were wrong. The flight to Cairo was fine and J.J actually found it somewhat enjoyable and anxiously waited for the next part of his flight. The final part of his flight was from Cairo to New York and was going to take significantly less time than the first part. He boarded his way upon the plane and nervously waited for it to land so he could begin his life in New York. Around halfway across the ocean the captain made an announcement. He announced that landing in New York was unsafe and that they would have to make an emergency landing, in Toronto. Stating it was too dangerous to leave the airport J.J and the thousands of others were stranded in the airport. J.J knew leaving home was a bad idea. He was alone and scared in a world seemed to be torn apart. He had no way to contact either his parents or his aunt and uncle. He wasn’t sure if they were okay and worst of all they had no way to know if he was okay or even alive. He and the others watched news reports of cities across the globe being attacked and hit by various chaotic storms. J.J and many of the others feared for their lives upon seeing it. Luckily for them they safe from the apocalypse that had devastated the world. POST-APOCALYPSE Even after the so called apocalypse was over J.J was still stuck in Toronto. He was able to call his parents and confirm that he was okay. They were lucky enough to have been unharmed as well. His aunt and uncle weren’t so lucky. While they were all unharmed their house was nearly completely destroyed by the hurricane that hit New York. This was good news for J.J because he would be returning to his parents. Upon J.J returning to his parents he learned that he didn’t get out of moving to New York. While he wouldn’t be returning right away in January he would be going to New York to live with his relatives. Upon returning to school he was swarmed by questions about what had happened while he was in the United States. He tried to tell them that he wasn’t even in New York but, his peers didn’t believe him. This just added to his stress which led to a slight state of depression. His parents could see that something was wrong with their son so decided to begin taking him out with them on a semi regular basis. While he still wasn’t thrilled about moving or school he was happy he got to spend more time with his parents and see the animals. As January came closer and closer J.J grew nervous. Last time he’d left he was stranded by himself for roughly two weeks. In order to make him more comfortable his mother decided she would go along with him for the flight. This eased his nerves but, he still wasn’t keen about moving to New York. Time passed and January arrived and J.J was still nervous about moving to New York. He packed his things said goodbye to his dad and headed with his mom to New York. The flight was much better than his first no incidents and no emergency landings. Upon landing the two were greeted by his aunt, uncle and cousin. Once they arrived at the house J.J began to settle in as best he could when his cousin began asking him about mutants. While J.J himself had never met a mutant he had heard about them especially during the apocalypse. His cousin told him more about mutants and how they're dangerous and should all be destroyed. J.J wasn't really sure how to react so he just played along. The next morning they said goodbye to his mother as she had to return to the reserve. In an attempt to make him feel more comfortable his relatives decided to show him around New York. They showed him the Statue of Liberty, Times Square, and the school he would be attending along side his cousin. After viewing the city they returned home as J.J had a big day tomorrow his first day of school in America. He and his cousin awoke bright and early the next morning and began their trek to school. Along the way his cousin again talked about mutants. This time he went on about how they wished to wipe out all of humanity or make them their slaves. He said that he had heard all about in on the internet so it had to be true. J.J had never used the internet but, he could only assume that not everything on there was true. J.J was amazed when he entered the school with his cousin. There were more kids here than he had seen in nearly his entire life. He was swarmed by new faces, styles and classes that he had never taken before. Upon introducing himself to his new classmates he was swamped by questions. He answered as many as he could before his first class started. His cousin introduced J.J to his friends who, like him were very much against mutants. He really didn't say much to them aside from occasionally agreeing with them. After his first day he quickly realized that his life here would be much worse than he had originally imagined. The school year went by very slowly but, luckily for J.J it eventually ended. He passed and his grades were better than he had gotten while with his parents but, he felt alone. He didn't agree with his cousin or his friends but, he didn't make many friends at school. There were a few kids he would talk to on and off but, nothing huge. He was however excited that he would get to return home for the summer. He was however hit with some bad news. He found out that poaching had been on the rise in the area and for his safety he wouldn't be able to return home for the summer. Over the summer the human/mutant relations worsened and his cousin and his friends could be happier. While J.J would keep to himself in his room they would go out and terrorize people they believed to be mutants. He wanted to stand up to them but, they would just assume he was a mutant and do the same to him. He didn’t like the idea of people terrorizing them but, he knew that there was nothing he could do about it. He saw various reports claiming that they were monsters but, he just didn’t see it. They for the most part weren’t hurting anyone and were just attacked because they were different. The increased violence in the area worried J.J’s parents. They wanted him to receive a better education but, it if the area wasn’t safe they weren’t going to put their son’s life in danger. His aunt and uncle assured that there was nothing to worry about and J.J would be fine. There were reports of attacks on mutants across the U.S but nothing really huge in New York City. After a fairly uneventful summer it was almost time for school again. J.J wasn’t the least bit excited about returning. Roughly a week before returning to school a bomb had gone off at a school several miles north of New York City. J.J's parents heard the news just as J.J returned to school. As J.J returned from his first day back he had news that he would be returning to his parents in October. They new his education was important but, they saw New York as unsafe for their son. J.J was ecstatic that he would get to return to his parents but, he didn't let his aunt and uncle see this. School seemed to be going fairly well for J.J though it may have just been the fact he was returning home in just a few upcoming weeks. After another day of school he and his cousin were walking home from school when they noticed large robots in the sky. His cousin believed that they should go see what was going on but, luckily for him J.J intervened. Upon arriving home J.J and his family surrounded around the television to watch what was happening. While his cousin smirked at what appeared to be mutant slaughter. His aunt and uncle decided that what they were watching was too violent and shut the television off. As they boys went up to their room J.J could tell that his cousin had enjoyed what he had seen. His cousin went on about how cool it was too see the freaks get killed by awesome badass robots. J.J had finally had enough of his cousins feeling about mutants so he let him know. He stuck his cousin across the face with a hard closed fist and began yelling about how mutants are just like everyone else but, people like him were just giving him a hard time. His cousin wasn’t exactly fond of J.J’s feelings but, he was a coward so he didn’t say anything or stand up for himself or how he felt. His aunt rushed up to see what the commotion was about. J.J told her what had happened but, she didn’t believe him thinking her son was perfect and could do no wrong. For the remainder of his stay J.J was silent and for the most part didn’t do anything with his family. October finally rolled around and J.J finally got to return home and he couldn’t be happier. His flight was uneventful and his parents awaited him at the airport. Upon reuniting with their son they said they had good news and bad news. The good news was that most of the animals were doing well but, that had drawn the attention of poachers in the area. Seeing as the school at the reserve was far below J.J’s age level his parents decided that it would be best to teach their son themselves while he would take lessons online for the subjects they couldn’t cover. He seemed to enjoy learning this way much more than when he was stuck in the class room. He got to see his parents far more often plus, he would get to see all the animals. Luckily for J.J and his parents the poachers in the area seemed to be very inactive it was strange but, they’d rather them be inactive to very active. The year ended it J.J was actually happy for a change. He was learning from his parents, seeing animals and even doing pretty well in his online classes. One day while looking around at news reports about mutant reports in the U.S when he saw a report claiming that there were aliens invading across the globe. J.J simply dismissed it thinking it was nothing more than a conspiracy theorist posting some wacked out story from his computer in his basement while wearing a tinfoil hat. Even though J.J didn’t believe what he had read he couldn’t help but wonder about the possibility of aliens invading or even being here already. After all the things he had seen he wonder if it would be so crazy that there were aliens trying to take over the world. Life continued as normal for J.J and family until they had seen reports of an alien race known as the skrull taking over the planet. Being in a fairly remote area that hadn’t seen or heard anything alien like so they just went on living their lives like normal. The next morning they felt a sort of undying love for the group they had never seen and had only learned about yesterday. This love didn’t much effect the reserve in fact, it helped. During the time poaching had hit an all-time low at zero. The animals flourished during this time which was good news for the reserve sadly, as quickly as the mysterious love of these mysterious invaders started it ended and with it the poaches returned. The year ended and moral around the reserve was at an all-time low. J.J’s parents had asked for government aid by sending more soldiers to help defend the area sadly, a small uprising in the area meant that the government couldn’t spare anymore of their military to defend the reserve. The more animals were slaughtered the worse J.J felt, he knew that he had to do something. That night he snuck out hoping that he would somehow be able to defend the animals. He was unarmed and untrained and had no idea what he was doing out there but, he couldn’t take it anymore he had to stop the poachers. After searching in the night for what seemed like hours with only moonlight lighting the night he found a small herd of elephants. He was in luck as the group seemed to be unharmed as they slept through the night. As he went to leave the elephants a shot went off in the night. He could tell it was close so in a fit of anger he ran to it. Upon arriving at the sound he saw them standing there over the corpse of a freshly killed baby elephant. There were three poachers standing above the body laughing. J.J had finally had enough his power activated and he charged at the trio. Speed of a cheetah, strength of an elephant and the bravery of a honey badger. With a swift punch to the face he knocked the first poacher do the ground. Before the other two could even react J.J charged at the second poacher. With a swift kick to the chest the second poacher was down. The third poacher wanted nothing to do with J.J so he ran for it. J.J’s parents rode up in a jeep, they weren’t exactly pleased with what their son had done but, they couldn’t exactly punish him as they would have done the same if they were in his position. J.J wasn’t sure how he did what he did but, he wasn’t going think into it. His parents advised their son that he shouldn’t go out and see the animals for a while. The poachers probably wouldn’t be happy with the little stunt he pulled and may be after him. He didn’t want to stay away from the animals but, he knew his parents were right. While exiled inside of the house he decided to do some research about what had happened to him last night. After looked for a while he discovered he may be a mutant. It explained why he was so connected to the animals around him and why he did what had done last night. He decided that it probably wasn’t best to tell his parents not know anyway. After the excitement they had last night they didn’t need more. J.J’s secret didn’t last very long however. The following week a representative from the Charles Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters arrived at the reserve wanting to talk to J.J and his parents. He explained that J.J was a mutant and that he had come from a school for kids like himself. Both he and his parents were so sure about him moving to New York. They explained that they had heard all the reports of attacks on mutants in the area. He couldn’t deny this but, explained that New York was becoming better for mutants and that for the most was better than how they were treated in Africa. They couldn’t deny this but, said it was ultimately up to their son. J.J wasn’t fond about moving back to New York especially to a school that was probably the attention of many mutant haters. Though if they really could help him learn about his powers he could help protect the animals of the reserve. So he said yes. J.J packed up his stuff said his goodbyes and went with the man to New York. SAMPLE RP POST: The moonlight shone down on J.J as he searched to make sure all animals on the reserve were safe. He knew it would be impossible to search the entire reserve but, he didn’t care he was going to try and stop as many poachers as he could. After searching for what seemed like hours he found a small herd of sleeping elephants. A smile grew on his face at the sight. Their lives were so simple eat, protect themselves, sleep and do it all again. “Sometimes I wish I could be one of them.” As he continued to stare at the calming sight a shot went off in the distance. Luckily for J.J the elephants weren’t awoken by the sound. J.J looked in the direction; he could tell the shot was close so he ran in the direction. “If they killed a single animal they’ll pay.” J.J wasn’t normally like this it was like the fear and anger of all the animals he had met and known was inside of him. “It’s not fair. They’re innocent things they have no right to be killed for their tusks or furs.” As he ran he couldn’t help but remember the mutants he’d seen while in America. How unfair they were being treated just because they were born different. The way people disrespected them was the same way poachers just disrespected the animals. Upon drawing closer to where the sound came from he saw them, a trio of men holding guns above the freshly killed corpse of a young elephant. Its tusks hadn’t even grown in yet. They had no reason till kill it but, there they were standing over its body, laughing. Something flipped inside J.J as if the animals inside of him were breaking out. He charged at one of the poacher. “Speed of the cheetah, reflexes of a leopard, bravery of a honey badger, strength of an elephant.” As he thought of the animals it was as if they were part of them. He grew faster, stronger, more agile and most of all braver. Before any of the poachers could react he sucker punched across the face. As the other two reached for their guns he swiftly kicked the second man in the chest and knocked him to the ground. The last man looked at his fallen comrades and decided he’d seen enough and ran off. Before J.J could chase after him a reserve jeep pulled up with two people with two very discouraging looks on their faces. |
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| Havok | Apr 29 2013, 08:09 AM Post #2 |
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Superheated Plasma Blasts
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Hey, Tyler, thanks for applying to XMR. This is a pretty good app, but there are a few issues, mostly in the history, but we'll get to that. Mostly it's good, I just need a few things address. Powers: I have NO idea what you're talking about regarding the bonding with the animals. You might want to try and simplify it. Personality: While he doesn't have to be the most warm and friendly guy, you might want to make sure that you don't make him so introverted that people have to pull him into threads. I can guarantee, no one has time for that. Ok, here's where we need some work. History: The whole thing with him being attacked by random animals during Apocalypse is entirely implausible. While he might not have been in an area affected by the Horsemen, the events of that first day were somewhat like when 9/11 happened. Everything shut down. It's likely the camp would have closed and everyone would have been sent home, immediately. A few days later, Apocalypse activated a machine that caused world wide cataclysms. Earthquakes and tsunamis on the coasts, tornadoes inland. It would have seemed like the end of the world. Shortly after Apocalypse, many people suffered from what was called Post Apocalyptic Traumatic Disassociative Syndrome, where they seemed to find themselves living in an alternate life where mutants were illegal and Charles Xavier had never formed the X-Men. This was the World without Xavier storyline, and it didn't affect everyone. You can choose not to mention it or not. You're also ENTIRELY missing any mention of the Purifiers who launched several major attacks on mutants and mutant heavy areas, which concluded with a giant robot attack on New York and this you can't choose to skip. You're also missing the Skrull Invasion last year. When the Skrulls first appeared, we all hated them, but then after a couple of days, they activated a complacency wave which made them love them, until the heroes saved everyone. Read the history Here for more details. Also, you need to proof read this whole app. There are typos, switching tenses, misused words. That needs to be fixed. Remember this is our first glimpse of your writing skill and style. Your sample post for example, while technically above the post count limit, isn't much to go on. Remember, it's better to have too much then not enough. |
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| Betsy Braddock | May 6 2013, 07:42 PM Post #3 |
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
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Has this been worked on at all? We need to know, so please respond by May 13th or we'll have to move this to denied due to lack of progress/activity. |
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| Metazoa | May 8 2013, 07:48 PM Post #4 |
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Unregistered
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I've been working on I'm completely redoing the history and personality sorry it's been taking a bit longer than expected. |
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| Tessa Ayasli | May 24 2013, 02:49 PM Post #5 |
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Unregistered
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Is this still being worked on? If so, reply here by the 31st or it will be moved to denied. |
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| Metazoa | May 25 2013, 01:20 AM Post #6 |
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Unregistered
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Ya, sorry it's taking so long my mom has basically taken my laptop. So I've only been able to work on it here and there. |
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| Betsy Braddock | Jun 4 2013, 09:20 PM Post #7 |
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
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Tyler, we appreciate you are lacking a computer and everything, but you've been working on this for a very long time now, over a month, so we need to know how long it's going to take you to complete and how you will remain active in game. Please let us know promptly. |
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| Metazoa | Jun 6 2013, 10:31 PM Post #8 |
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Unregistered
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Finished with the editing, sorry I took so long. It's not that I lack a computer I just lacked the computer that had the app saved on it. |
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| Betsy Braddock | Jun 14 2013, 01:21 PM Post #9 |
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
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Hey Tyler, sorry it’s been so long on getting back to you. Honestly, there is still some work to do so please bear with me through this process and if you need help at any time, just get in touch. 1. Powers: Okay so physical traits rather than adaptations, but then you don’t detail what physical traits. By explaining in more detail what traits of a say, lion, he can take on, you define better what he can and can’t do. For instance the way you write it now he could literally become as large as an elephant, etc. He can mimic five abilities at one time, which could be a fine limit, but so far you have not given any specific examples of abilities so I cannot say I agree with that yet. How does his body adapt to cope with the new abilities? Animal bonds – this just reads as straight empathy rather than a bond. Again, this just needs more detail about the connection, is it effected by distance, say if something happens to the animal will he feel it, how many bonds he can establish at one single time, can he severe the bond after a few minutes/hours…. If it’s just empathy, you need to call it empathy, or be a lot more specific throughout the entire section. 2. Personality has a good base to it, but at least consider extending it. What does he feel about the mutant situation? You could go into more depth about the cultural differences he undergoes other than technology. You have a potentially very interesting and different character type here so don’t be afraid to really go for it. 3. There’s nothing particularly wrong with the early history, but Zimbabwe has been a rather volatile country in recent history, especially in terms of economy and President Mugabe’s rather tyrannical rule. You don’t have to give him a difficult life, but it’s not the easiest country to have been growing up in either. It seems rather drastic to send him to NYC though, especially as he’s just there for Apocalypse and gets sent right back. As such it just reads as an unnecessary plot device. If he didn’t like one sort of learning, why as doctors did his parents not encourage him in another manner? So what if he wanted to learn more practically? Couldn’t his father have struck a deal? Do well in your lessons and each evening/weekend you can come out in the reserve with me? Of course you don’t have to do it that way, but the NYC jaunt is going to have to either come out or be made more deserving to be there. Apocalypse – is there any specific reason he had to get a flight that very same day? The storms were also a global phenomenon, followed by a worldwide blackout. If you are going to write his Apocalypse experience this way then you need to make sure you cover that too otherwise he gets off very lightly without really having experienced anything other than being stuck in an arrivals lounge, then getting sent back right after, only to be sent back AGAIN. Post Apoc – (you need to split this into the correct sections by the way, as listed in the application template). I’ve already noted about the really confusing back and forth between his parents and NYC. Do you realise how much that would have cost his parents? Inflation in Zimbabwe hit something like 11,000,000% in 2008. Be logical in your choices. The Purifiers were actually at their most prolific in New York City. Havok was arrested and declared as the Horseman War, Mutant Town was repeatedly attacked and Mayor Risman eventually declared martial law on that area, causing the Scarlet Witch to place a protective dome over the place. Please go back and read the history a little more carefully so you can get a better understanding of this timeframe. You’ve got the idea, but you’re not showing an accurate snapshot yet. The Skrull section is also a bit shaky. The first that the public knew of them was when they announced themselves on the television, followed by the complacency wave that held everyone under thrall until they were taken out. There would have been follow up reports on this event, but no one would have been reporting a takeover leading up to it, as no one really knew about it. Generally, tidy this end up of the history into the correct sections and seriously cut down on his transatlantic trips or he’s going to be dragged off my customs thinking he has blood diamonds hidden in his ass. Don’t overdo things, keep it practical. None of this is meant to slam you, but you’ve skimmed areas that need detail and gone overboard in areas that don’t really need it. Please work on these edits (without taking a month this time if possible) and get back to us. Thanks. |
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| Quicksilver | Jun 24 2013, 07:33 PM Post #10 |
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Superspeed/ Superstrength
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is this still being worked on? |
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| Surge | Jun 28 2013, 03:17 AM Post #11 |
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Unregistered
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If this application is still being worked on, please post to state so by SUNDAY, JUNE 30th or it will be moved to denied by way of inactivity. |
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| Betsy Braddock | Jul 2 2013, 10:51 AM Post #12 |
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Telepathy (I'm not a bloody ninja)
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Moved to denied through inactivity. |
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8:21 AM Jul 11