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The Joke Thread; Got a favorite joke? Tell it in here!
Topic Started: Nov 6 2010, 11:23 PM (1,500 Views)
Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

How I learned to mind my own business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, ' 13....13....13. '

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting ' 14....14....14 ‘...
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Alexi Sitsnot
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whatEVER!!

A man walks into a bar...




Doctors say he should come out of his coma in about a week.
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Alexi Sitsnot
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whatEVER!!

nobody said they had to be good jokes...or original. :P
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Zaku
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This guy walks into a bar.. sits next to another guy. Some good conversation and a couple drinks later the guy says “I could frell any girl in here”

The other guy says, “That's pretty ambitious, what makes you think that?”

The guy says “because I’m a rapist.”
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Mr. Badwrench
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The Comfey Chairman

A little girl and a serial killer were walking through a dark forest on a moonless night. The little girl said, "Hey mister, I'm scared!" The serial killer said, "You think you're scared? I've got to walk out of here alone!"
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Nice! :lmao:







What's white and black and red all over?






Mimes in a chainsaw fight.


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bluesman
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Last of the Real Live Bluesmen

There's this tough guy, Nunzio.

He dies.

On his head stone at his grave it says "What are you lookin' at?"


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bluesman
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Last of the Real Live Bluesmen

You know the difference between an airline stewardess and a jet engine?

The jet engien stops whining when you shut it down.

I'll be here all week, folks!

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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

The Right Answer


You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings. :D
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

What a Real Woman Does

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . . No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind.
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at rugby, and your pie is getting wet, then, for the eating period only, it is permissible.

2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
f. When the last beer is gon and the carry out is closed.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However you can Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you intentionally trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offsides or illegal motion) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal 'drunken monkey sex', the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was, occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a XBox 360. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
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Less Than Fearless Leader
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Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
God, the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so,
thereby proving that . . .

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Maschinen Krueger
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In 2002 a web site had people vote on the "funniest" joke.


The winning joke, which was later found to be based on a 1951 Goon show sketch by Spike Milligan,was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


While this was the top joke in the UK:


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

In Australia the top joke was as follows

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.

Edited by Maschinen Krueger, Jan 3 2011, 09:59 PM.
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Maschinen Krueger
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also some classics from my 8 year old

What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

What do you get when cross a snowman and and a vampire?
Frost Bite

What's black and white, black and white, and green?
Two penguins fighting over a pickle.
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Maschinen Krueger
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... and one of my personal favorites.


How do you piss off your wife after a night of hot sex?





Call her up, tell her where you are.
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Here's an ethnic joke:

What do ya call a black guy flying an airplane?























A pilot, ya frelling racist! :D
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Edited by Zaku, Jan 20 2011, 10:45 AM.
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up to my friend Sally at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to the supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
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Zaku
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your
brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and
tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
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WalkerTR
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22-й в командной

A woman and a pig walk into a bar,
then the barman says," You cant bring that pig in here."
The woman says," Why not, he's not doing anything."
The barman replies," I was talking to the pig."
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Nice! :D


Here's a classic;

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "frell him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Mr. Badwrench
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The Comfey Chairman

An old man and woman met at an old folks home. Three or four times a week they would stroll around a nearby duck pond, and sit on a bench on the far side, feeding the birds. Their affection for each other grew, and one day the man said, "Darling, I know we are too old for sex, but I wonder if you could do an old man a favor? Could you reach into my trousers and just hold my penis?" She was happy to comply, and often, when there was no one else around, they would sit on the bench on a sunny afternoon, his penis in her hand.

Autumn came, and with it a week of rain and low temperatures. The couple did not see each other during this time. But the storm broke, and on the first sunny day, the old woman went to meet her sweetheart in the lobby, where they usually met before their walks. However, he was not there. Nor the next day. After several days, she began to worry. He was an old man after all, might he have gotten sick, gone to the hospital, or worse?

Growing despondent, she went on a walk around the duck pond by herself. On the far side, she found the old man, and he was with another woman! A much older woman! And she had her hand in his pants! She flushed, and spouted out, "What is this?! I thought you loved me! Who is this hussy? She's easily ten years older than me? What has she got that I haven't got?"

The old man replied, "Parkinson's".
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Amish Magic Box

An Amish family went to a shopping mall for the first time ever and were amazed at all the modern wonders. The mother went to get some baking supplies while the father and son wandered around and ended up in front of an elevator. They watched as the floor indicator annunciated the floor and the doors opened and closed. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother.
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

Went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas...






















...the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


:faint:
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Zaku
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The Zeons are coming!

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, it was found that one person was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Perhaps the bleach went deeper than the roots.
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