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My Memoir, or, "Princess Leia Is A C$#@" (NSFW duh)
Topic Started: Jan 16 2014, 11:32 PM (124 Views)

Still a few spelling/grammar errors since I just finished writing it. But here goes. Also sorry if you don't like the word Cunt. It's the only word that really fits. If you say it enough, the stigma goes away.

Princess Leia Is A Cunt

So when most think of Princess Leia, I'm sure we all think of girl power, and what a badass she was in Return of the Jedi for strangling Jabba or how she was the snarky, yet pragmatic balance to Han Solo's dashing recklessness in Empire Strikes Back, but everyone forgets that when we first meet her, in A New Hope, she's a spoiled, bigoted cunt.
I know this is crazy, but hear me out. Let's start at the beginning, when Leia is introduced. How action movies portray characters in captivity shows the level of competence. If are doing a jailbreak scene, think of Bruce Willis, if his friends are going to get him out, as the door swings open, the audience would see an empty jail cell since he already got out . Another possibility, and this is common, is he is opening it from the inside as his friends are about to bust it open from the outside. At least you show the character trying to escape, that builds confidence in your hero's ability. When Leia is introduced, where do we find her? Taking a fucking nap.

Let's take a look at Leia. At this point in the story, she's a young Senator and Princess of Aldeeran. We know from Episode 3 that her adopted father was a Senator when the Republic fell, and it's assumed he parented her among the elites. I hate to say it, but she is the ultimate college liberal meme at this point. She claims to represent the working class and the rebellion but really she's just the product of nepetism and up until a few hours previous had so much wealth she had a private starship with over 100 men in the crew. Now you'd think when the two storm troopers came in, she would, I don't know, be hanging from the ceiling and attack one of them... just something other than her lying reclined on her fucking pompous well todo ass hours before getting executed.

So getting back to the movie, we find her groggy eyed because I guess trying to escape was too much a fucking chore for her, and she immediately starts criticizing the people who came to save her for not having a better plan. I guess that sitting on her ass was, in her mind, a better plan than being outside the cell. I'll take being outside the cell with a gun rather than inside and hopelessly inadequet, even if I am getting shot at 6 ways to Sunday.
So she does, to her credit, blast open the garbage container and gets them out of that jam. How she knew that, I don't know, maybe when the empire was throwing out the food they served prisoners, since I'm sure she wouldn't accept anything that mere commoners would eat, she noticed the chute.

The chute sure enough becomes a death trap. She finds out these people she was just criticizing have two god damn droids who can hack the entire fucking space station. That's pretty fucking impressive, don't you think? Imagine if these two people and one naked indigent slave guy just rescued you. You proceed to criticize them for not being seal team 6, and then find out they already installed a program that hacks the whole base you're on. So at least you think she'd be a bit humbled, but no, not a bit.

As they get out of the garbage, she starts barking orders again. The princess, and Senator, who by the way I've mentioned intentionally is a Senator a few times since there are a lot of things with being a senator. You should be a people person. You are also the voice of your country, which in this case happens to be an entire planet. So she, one would assume, was a trained diplomat. So as she is getting saved, you have to think she saw this one creature, who wasn't human, and immediately recognized that Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. As we learned from episode 3, and no doubt Leia learned from her expensive private history tutor, Kashyyyk was of such strategic value during the clone wars that the highest ranking Jedi, Yoda, set up his forward command post there to personally oversee the defense. Now I wouldn't expect Luke to know who Yoda was, since he was a hick with no internet access on Tatooine. But Leia of course had to know. Also, as we see in Empire Strikes Back, it seems like the empire isn't too keen on non-humans. Not only do we ever see any nonhumans in the empire's employment, but listening to the Imperial Admiral criticize Darth Vader for hiring "scum" makes you think that not only do they hate bounty hunters, but all nonhumans in general. Knowing how the Wookies must have suffered far worse than human planets after the Imperial takeover and millions of them displaced, murdered or worse. What is the first mother fucking thing that Leia says to Chewbacca? That cunt udders the racial slur "walking carpet" to who she assumed is some nobody wookie. But who actually is Chewbacca?

Well we find out Chewbacca is actually way more important than just some dude's slave in Episode 3. He personally escorts Yoda to an escape route when order 66 is given. You might just think that this guy was maybe some elite protection unit, but he had to be more than that. The wookies still have at least some form of a warrior culture. Chewbacca was in charge of keeping Yoda safe. In a warrior culture, that had to be a huge honor so at least you think he was being groomed for a governing position. Pause for a second to think about how much of a badass Chewbacca is. He gaurds Yoda, quite possibly the most powerful single combat warrior in the entire galaxy. But when shit hits the fan, Yoda asks Chewbacca to back him up. I mean fuck.

You might still be thinking he's just some low level grunt who happened to be an amazing soldier, but if that were the case, why was he in this quiet, fly-under-the-radar lifestyle with a smuggler when introduced in A New Hope? The reason is because he had to be super important. It makes sense that he was a top level Wookie. He knew all the right people, did all the right things all up until the empire came along. It paints Chewbacca in a new light, as a Wookie in exile.

And just how important a wookie? Well important enough that during the entire series, who he is, is never revealed. Think about this, he stood right hand to supreme commander of the Republican Forces during the battle of Kashyyyk. He must have commanded thousands of Wookies during the clone wars. You'd think when General Ackabar was promoting Commander Solo to General Solo in order to lead a group of Guerrilla fighters in a forested planet, Chewbacca would raise his hand and be like, "bitch, I was the motha fuckin General on Kashyyyk of several thousand wookies in exactly the same environment during the clone wars, don't you think I might be a better option to lead group troops rather than this smuggler?"

But he doesn't do that, Chewbacca simply lets Han take all the credit, why? Well the obvious answer is if he revealed himself, and revealed that he is actually great general who was thought to dead, the empire would find out too. Considering how important Chewbacca was, they would stop at nothing to find out how he evaded the empire for some 20 years. Last I checked, the empire doesn't have Geneva conventions. If Chewbacca revealed himself to anyone, including Han, his entire family on Kashyyyk along with anyone he ever traded with would be at risk.

Anyways, this places a whole new character for Chewbacca, and Han as well. It explains a lot of things. It explains why Han is always so cocky and confident, and somewhat reckless. Notice that Han, while he is reckless, is always asking his buddy Chewwie for his opinion first before making a decision. Han thinks he's smart and clever, and we all can describe him as arrogant. Well why shouldn't he be? Chewbacca is a god damn military genius who is applying all that knowledge into two bit smuggling operations. Han just takes all the credit.

You realize how dumb Han is when he is first introduced. He just smoked a bounty hunter in back, and knows that Jabba, who runs the planet he's on, is after him for a huge debt. So after he smokes this guy, two locals, from the same planet Jabba controls, come asking around for transport. One is a hick and comments that he can pilot a warp capable spaceship, the other is some old guy. As Han had no doubt heard from others at the bar, this old guy took out a mother fucking lazer sword and sliced a guy's arm off earlier for pushing his hick friend at the bar.

So let's put this into context, we're in Chicago, and I'm not sure, but imagine if one of the biggest street gangs was out to get you. On top of that, you just killed one of their hired guns. So the Latin Kings, I'll say since I know nothing else about gangs, is out to get you and when you're at the bar. In walk two Latin dudes. Now I say they're two Latin guys because remember, Luke and "Ben Kenobe" were from Tattoine. One of these guys looks like he just immigrated, speaks pretty much broken English and definitely seems like a migrant farmer of some sort, totally not the normal type found in this bar. The other one looks like a motherfucking Danny Trejo badass, and apparently just knifed someone at the bar. They say they can pay you half of what you owe the Kings up front, and double what you owe when you get to an unimportant town, like Indianapolis. Now if Han had half a brain, he first be thinking "why don't you guys just take the megabus?" but then the two Latin guys say, "ohh, and no cops". If you absolutely any brain whatsoever, you're thinking "Hmm, this old guy was hired by Jabba to kill us and this weird kid, who already said he's a pilot, is going to pilot the Millenium Falcon back to Jabba"

That's if you have any sort of intelligence in your head, which remember, Chewbacca has. So then why did Chewbacca nod to take them on? It's obvious, He recognized Obi wan from the clone wars. Obi wan holo-conferenced with Yoda, certainly as Chewbacca was Yoda's right hand, he saw Obi Wan often but knew, being Wookie, wouldn't be recognized. Furthermore, this was his chance to get back into the fight against the empire, perhaps even in a small way, and get Solo to unwittingly help the rebellion.

I'm going to further solidify how good he manipulates Han. After the Falcon gets tractored into the death star, and they're in the overhead hangar room, Chewbacca has the audacity to even troll Han a little bit, and says "Where did you dig up that old fossil" to Luke in front of Han.

He's doing two things, one, having a bit of fun. He's also seeing if anyone else in the room knows they're with the general who defeated General Grevious in a one man assault on a fixed position against an assassin. He knows that they're all unwittingly with the guy who took the remaining 3 limbs of Darth Vader, before, in essence, saying "Namaste" to the murdering psychopath, and disappearing to be never seen again.

Ok, so now as all your minds are blown, before going on, and getting back to why Leia is a cunt, I'm going to remind you all that Lucas was writing this for children, she is supposed to be a good guy. Now to show how bad of a cunt Princess Lea is, I'm going to mirror Star Wars with a story that we all grew up with, Robin Hood. In this story, we're going to say that Sheriff Nottingham, as Darth Vader, has stolen the Princess of England who is of course princess Leia. Robin Hood is Han Solo with his band of merry men, and a Muslim slave, of course is representing Chewwbaca. The story starts with them escorting two people, a farmer and old guy, through Sherwood and unwittingly get convinced by the farmer to go rescue the princess.

We can all see is actually pretty close. Star Wars really is just a take on a classic tale of adventure. Robin Hood, farmer and old guy, along with the Muslim Slave, have the scene a few of them getting caught, thrown in the dungeon. It continues with the Princess in her tower doing jack shit to escape, our Robin Hood and crew breaking out, and all trying to escape from the castle by jumping in a moat, then getting caught by the moat gate blocking access into the escape river.

I imagine a scene here which would be particularly fitting would two of the merry men, which of course are the droids, are looking through the Muslim slave's shit. One of them is making fun of this odd dildo-shaped device which has glass at both ends of it, the other noticing that "hmm this object makes distant places seem closer" because they've just discovered that the seemingly dumb Muslim slave dude has a piece of advanced technology- the telescope. As they're looking through it they see Robin hood, the princess and gang trapped in the moat with the gate down. Friar tuck comes into the scene and they do the o'le Trojan keg routine to get access into the gatehouse and raise the gate before jumping into the river themselves to escape. The old man disappears during the escape.
But now imagine, if at the end of the river escape in this children's story we all know, The Princess of England, as they're getting dried up, turns to the Muslim slave and says, "Would someone get this smelly Rag-head out of my way?"

Now I hope you understand how big of a cunt Leia is. She, as a senator and representative, said a racial slur to one of the most important Wookies ever to live, to his face.

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First off, a few corrections I probably shouldn’t admit I noticed.

Han agrees to help Luke and Obi-Wan before he shoots Greedo in the Mos Eisley Cantina.
Ackbar is an admiral, not a general.
Yoda is commanding the Republic forces, and the correct spelling is Kenobi.
Just some editing suggestions before you send it off to the presses.

As far as the content itself is concerned, I find it hard to argue that Leia’s attitude was both ungrateful, rude, and, in the moment you mentioned, even racist. I believe there is an explanation, however. Perhaps there is even some justification for her reaction.

My argument is based on the very privilege that Leia enjoys. She is Princess of Alderaan and a member of the Senate, as you mentioned. She is also a suspected member of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. For all these reasons, Leia knows she is a valuable asset for the Empire to be in possession of.

The Imperials believe she has valuable intelligence on the Rebellion, specifically the location of their hidden base.

Despite their best efforts (Destroying Alderaan, mind probes), Leia refuses to give up this information. One reason is her loyalty to her fellow freedom fighters. The other is that she knows the sooner this information is divulged, the sooner she is of no value and, presumably, dead.

If the Empire wanted her dead, they would have simply blown her ship to pieces like a proverbial womp rat.

Leia believed that Governor Tarkin would not dare execute her until he had the information he so desperately sought. And even if he did find the information, the argument could still be made that she was more valuable alive. I’m sure the Empire considers the Rebellion to be a bunch of bleeding hearts. If they, in fact, have a complete technical blueprint of the station, it’s logical to assume they are planning an attack. Would they attack the station knowing full well that the Princess was imprisoned upon it? It would, at the very least, give pause to the Rebel leaders.

Keeping Leia alive would also accomplish exactly what the Empire wanted, to find the base on Yavin, by one of two ways. Either Leia cracks and reveals the location, or the Rebels stage a rescue that leads the Empire directly to their doorstep as transpires in the film when the homing beacon is placed on the Millennium Falcon.

I’m sure many Rebels were infuriated that this unauthorized rescue destroyed their defensive strategy.

Having established Leia’s value, it’s much easier to understand her taking a ‘nap’ as Luke bursts into her cell. She doesn’t believe for one second that Tarkin will execute her, and it’s highly unlikely the Empire will locate the Rebel’s hidden fortress without her cooperation.

They blew up her planet and she didn’t talk. She resisted the mind probe and every other form of torture the Empire could come up with. She was winning.

Leia is probably feeling empowered in foiling the Galactic Gestapo. And then in comes an especially short Stormtrooper, a farm boy who claims to aid in her rescue. I’m sure Leia’s first thought was, “I’m not going anywhere with you, you inbred trash. I didn’t get tortured and have my planet destroyed to get shot by some faceless soldier in a futile attempt to escape.”

Why then does she leave her cell at all?

“I’m here with Ben Kenobi.”

“Ben Kenobi?! Where is he?”

Even after decades in hiding, Obi-Wan’s reputation precedes him. Obviously Leia knows the power of Kenobi when she sends him a desperate plea at the film’s start, and this name drop is the only reason she even gets up. Perhaps this is her extraction- A masterfully executed plot to pluck her from the clutches of the Empire, while simultaneously destroying the Death Star and crippling evil in the galaxy.

And then she realizes it’s just three clueless buffoons shooting up the place.

She steps out of her cell and directly into a dead end firefight against an endless horde of Imperial troops. “Where the #%&$ is Kenobi?!”

She very legitimately questions the plan, or lack of one.

Her rescuers response is to continue mindlessly blasting away.

Leia is the only one with any sense of forward thinking, and she decides that jumping down a dark shaft into the unknown is a better alternative than waiting for certain death as the entire station descends on them.

Now in the crap crusher, they find themselves in another hopeless situation, and again, she is the only one who contributes any kind of thought process.

“Don’t just stand there! Try and brace it with something!”

I do give Luke points for eventually remembering the comlink, and this ultimately saves them. I still say Leia is warranted in her continued displeasure.

They lured her out of her cell and into complete chaos. She is far more likely to be killed than she was just sitting around imprisoned. There is no plan, and again, where is Kenobi?!

Her outburst at Chewy is, indeed, unfortunate. However, for all the honors you bestow upon him in your essay, what was his solution to the trash compactor ordeal? Banging on the door. Pounding away again and again.

This courageous warrior can come up with nothing better than that?

Even afterwards, he cowardly refuses to go near the doorway. And the dumb cowboy decides to blast into there again. Leia is rightfully pissed. She might as well have been crushed than deal with these nincompoops.

And things don’t get any better. Han and Chewy decide to go on the offensive when they scare away some Stormtroopers. I thought this was a rescue mission!

This leads to Luke and Leia perched atop a chasm with troops in hot pursuit. And what does Luke do? He blasts the bridge controls. It never ends with these people!

They finally escape (Despite our heroes’ best efforts) and the Empire sends four TIE Fighters after them- a dead giveaway that the ship is being tracked. The four TIE's would probably have shot themselves down or crashed into each other given enough time.

Han becomes indignant at her remark about the ease of their escape. And what was Leia thinking? Probably something along the lines of “You’re right. It wasn’t easy because of you morons. It’s a miracle we didn’t fly right into a wall on our way out.”

In another bit of great wisdom, Han decides to fly directly to the hidden base rather than entertain Leia’s suggestion of the ship being tracked. In this instance, Leia shares some blame. She should have been far more insistent on landing and checking the hull, or switching ships. Then again, perhaps just getting back to her people and dealing with the Death Star was a better scenario than whatever nonsense would have transpired by stopping off somewhere with these fools.

And that’s why Leia is totally justified in being a C$#@.
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Upon finishing it and having the night to think about it, I think it's better to scrap the Leia is a C#$& angle and simply keep it as Chewbacca's untold story.
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