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I can't.; Nope. I can't.
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Topic Started: Apr 4 2014, 11:24 AM (180 Views)
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Deveraux Dixon
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Apr 4 2014, 11:24 AM
Post #1
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Love is cursed by Monogamy
- Posts:
- 888
- Group:
- Master
- Member
- #30
- Joined:
- Aug 29, 2010
- Location
- Tracing shapes on your inner thigh...with my tongue.
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My breakdown yesterday, among several other things that have happened both recently and culminated over the years, has indicated to me that the effort I'm attempting to put forth does not appear to be worthwhile in the least. I can effectively say that I've become apathetic towards the idea of attempting to discuss this rationally, mainly because I do not feel that any real weight or value is being assigned to my words or my opinion, or just my presence as an individual here in general. I have persisted for as long as my nature will allow, and I have reached my wits' end.
There are a lot of things I would like to say, but most of them are mostly hurtful and cruel and unnecessarily mean - some of them are things that are not my story to tell, or my right to reveal, and so I won't. I will only speak for myself in this post, as opposed to acting as a bridge - a job that I seemed to assigned myself despite not being effective in that role. For that I apologize.
I am leaving. That is my final decision on this matter. Before this gets too negative, I am leaving links to where I am going, because if anyone on this site (everyone included) would like to RP with me there, I welcome it. Elliquiy, as I've stated before, is where I'm going. The below links can only be accessed once you've been accepted as a member (about 72 hours). Ziven is my username, and you can feel free to PM me to ask any questions about how things work or how to start going about things. If you're unsure about joining and you have questions, I can be contacted via email at: straight.zivens@gmail.com
This is the thread where I've re-created EoM, if anyone is interested in pursuing old character plots with me. If you have any questions or suggestions about how this works or how to better improve the structure I have set up, I implore you to post in the OOC thread and let me know.
This invitation, again, is extended to any and everyone interested - even if you'd like to RP something with me that isn't EoM related, that's also fine. Elliquiy allows for that as well. Feel free to direct anyone there if there's still no activity here.
I will periodically be visiting for the sake of grabbing some character information, and perhaps re-posting a few key threads over there. After that, I will be deleting things from my Manor and shutting down my account. I recall that Dinah's preference is to keep things around for people who may stop by to read through, so if the site is staying up I see no reason to hinder that.
Now that the information part is taken care of, I will be leaving a personal message.
To Dinah Dinah, you and I have never seen eye to eye on how you deal with things, but I must say I absolutely hate the way that you decide to wield your power. I phrase it that way deliberately because I feel that is what you do, rather than the duties of an admin. You are in charge, and you seem to assign more worth to your own ideas and viewpoints regardless of if you do or don't understand others' opinions. Most of the exceptions to this have been under the threat of disbanding or in general when tensions on the board become so high that you cannot deal with them yourself. This is not a mature way to go about things, I've never thought it a mature way to go about it, and not only has it been frustrating to suffer through over the years, but it's been degenerative to my motivation to post here and be here with you. I can completely understand Shar not wanting to be near you, the stress levels produced by having to communicate with you outside of an RP in any way is just something I can understand any person wanting to avoid.
When I posted recently, detailing many of the issues that we have not only with you, but the site in general, you offered to step down and take off the Admin crown. And yet, you couldn't stop being overly controlling long enough to even lock a thread for me. In the past, you have locked threads simply because you saw no more cause for further discussion. I feel that the contradiction in your actions indicates your need to be in charge of things, rather than actually dealing with your members in an efficient way.
You have something, almost literally, to say about everything. I understand that in part this falls under your "Devil's Advocate" penchant, but a lot of the time you're not contributing anything to the discussion other than being annoying. Sometimes people aren't looking for contrary ideas. They're looking for ideas under the header that they've provided. That's what they want. You don't have to always be contrary.
Even in the recent scenario, with us attempting to work out issues - your response to the issues we present have so far been nothing that we've outlined or stated that we would like. I understand that you want to be understood as well. But you are the admin. To a certain extent, part of that job is muting yourself (not simply ignoring, that's different) against the majority when certain decisions need to be in place. Or, at least, marginalize yourself properly when issues that are considered to be large come up. You want the power of an Admin but the consideration of a member. That is not how admining works. Your opinion does count for something, yes, but without your members' happiness you have no activity. There is no site. In the same way that a Political Representative works, your say has weight, yes, because of your position, but the goal is to keep your constituents happy by keeping their interests in mind so that they continue to vote for you. You don't get votes, you don't have any decision-making power. No lobbying power.
Things that we want: The freedom to RP adult scenes, a site where we're not in danger of violating the ToS, and a location with a higher traffic levels or at least ease of advertising.
Your response: We need to do more work to advertise. Adult scenes aren't important so let's just lock them away where no one can see them. I don't need sex scenes, so I don't see what all the fuss is about. We've been here forever and not gotten kicked out for ToS, so we're fine. We don't need lots of members anyway because we're good at RPing in our own world. It's not a bad thing, even though it's a concern. I don't think it's a bad thing, so of course it isn't.
None of these things work towards moving in the direction that we've expressed. These are solutions that suit only your preferences (and perhaps, now that I think of it, Curry's). No one else's. You are not the majority on this site. You have never been. It's been clear pretty much from day one that most of our members view things differently than you. The number of altercations I know that you've had via PM and even on the boards should be evidence of that. Word of mouth is hard work, for example. We have lives and things to do besides be here. We deserve options that are at our ease and convenience. It's like you weren't listening. It's like you didn't give a shit about anything that was said up to this point. I shouldn't have to break to have a thread closed. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE A BREAKDOWN TO HAVE A THREAD CLOSED. It's not about your feelings, or the fact that you feel them. It's not even about how you feel them. It's about how you express them and minimalize everyone else's in the same breath. You don't just say "Well, I feel this way about it and that sucks, but since everyone else/a lot of people feel/s like [insert opinion here], I'll deal with it. Just know that this is how I feel." No. We get "Well I feel this way and I think that everyone needs to take a second to consider my individual opinion over everything I've heard about [insert issue here]. I feel this way and unless someone gives me a good reason that fits my personal logical train of thought I'm not going to make any changes." WTF is that? WTF is that?!
I may be pushing now, I may have you cornered now - and I agree, this is my fault that you feel this way. But it's because I've felt pushed around for years and was either too nice or didn't want to risk you shutting things down for not having them exactly the way that you wanted. That is my fault. I should have just been a bitch in the beginning. Then maybe I'd already be somewhere else and more people would be around to take with me.
Yes, I let the board go idle. So that I wouldn't have to deal with you as much in a member-admin sort of way. Dealing with you while you're speaking with your self-placed value is like sitting in a chair a allowing someone to run a knife up and down my arm. RPing? You're excellent. You're talented and wonderful. Anything outside of our threads, however, quickly turns into a nightmare even if they began pleasant. Anything dealing with having to ask or request or suggest is hell, and I hate doing it. I hate even logging in when making a request is required. At least on Elliquiy I don't have to feel obligated to speak to you on any level other than plotting and roleplaying. You're also not in charge. It won't be just you saying that you're not in charge while your account still has admin power. You literally wouldn't be able to do anything to adversely effect anything on your own and without support. And I'll have a choice. I could choose not to deal with you if I didn't want to.
So I think I'm done. You can stay or come with us. I will miss your characters and I will miss our plots and in character interactions. I think that, when you're not giving your opinion on something, you're a pretty nice guy. Despite annoying the ever living shit out of me, there have been so highlights. I still have the mug you gave me. I think fondly of you when using it. I will miss some of the in between conversations that were actually pleasant, or the times when I persisted long enough through you being ridiculous to actually get to a decent lull in conversation that was not charged with stubborness or frustration.
I am not throwing everything ever that has happened in this forum on you. I have had my own issues or opinions or debates. But I tried to deal with them in ways that made most of the people I was debating with feel at least respected, valuable or important even if we disagreed. You have even done it, on occasion. But it is the exception and not the norm when it comes to you in my personal opinion, and the fact that you are still doing it, even now, proves more than ever that you care more about staying here and being in charge here than you do accommodating anyone, either here or elsewhere.
I like writing sex. I only don't do it as much because I don't need you flipping out on me. I like not having to sign up for advertising, or pestering my friends with information about this site. I like having a higher chance for newer members. I am tired of having to have a conversation with nearly everyone every two years to convince them to stay here or listen to them vent about something you said or texted or chatted or criticized. I am exhausted of getting that dreaded PM "I didn't actually list the real reason for leaving, but..." I am tired of it. Sick and tired. I am leaving this site because it's inconvenient and doesn't offer some of the things I want. You seem keen on marginalizing my desires as a personal problem and unnecessary, and I am sick of hearing that on issues that I bring up. I hate dealing with you as an admin, and you behave like a stuck up one even when the issue being discussed isn't a managerial issue.
You are still welcome to come, if you're interested in RPing with your characters. If you decide not to out of spite, anger or whatever else you feel - as they say in the streets "You do you, boo, and I'll do me." I no longer have time for anything else.
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Dinah May Anderson
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Apr 4 2014, 11:40 AM
Post #2
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- Posts:
- 936
- Group:
- Admin
- Member
- #1
- Joined:
- Aug 21, 2010
- Location
- Swallowed by a demoness
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As you have made up your mind I can only wish you good luck in your endeavours on "E".
Everything else I could say would probably be a waste effort and only drive our blood pressure up more than a hobby is worth.
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Deveraux Dixon
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Apr 4 2014, 11:45 AM
Post #3
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Love is cursed by Monogamy
- Posts:
- 888
- Group:
- Master
- Member
- #30
- Joined:
- Aug 29, 2010
- Location
- Tracing shapes on your inner thigh...with my tongue.
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Post what you wish regarding your opinion. I'm sure I could hazard a guess in any case.
But I am replying to clear up the "afterthought" commentary. In my personal opinion, I don't see a way to fix our problems besides finding another website host and moving. That's just how I see it. I set things up tentatively on E just so that I could figure out how things would work, and then began asking people what they thought.
Perhaps this wasn't the best way to present things to anyone. But at the time it's what I thought best to avoid not only confrontation, but having my ideas nixed before it got off of the ground. I'm sorry if it felt to you to be the "afterthought" to invite you, but I can assure you that I put a lot of thought into the decision of doing things in the order in which I did them.
I emphasize that it's not a party yet. The thread has no posts on Elliquiy. It's not open for use yet. That being said, I would enjoy even roleplaying consecutive one-shots over there with Modrid, Jules, Shar and anyone else willing to join than I think I will ever enjoy posting anything here from this point forward.
I can apologize for my actions perhaps not being in the correct order, and I do. Profusely. But I do not regret my suggestion to move, and I stand behind it even if it was not executed in the most thoughtful way. This place has become akin to poison because of how it was run in the past, and how it seems that will not change in the future; and I am no longer immune.
Location of our RP is not important to me so long as it is NOT HERE.
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Dinah May Anderson
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Apr 10 2014, 02:45 PM
Post #4
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- Posts:
- 936
- Group:
- Admin
- Member
- #1
- Joined:
- Aug 21, 2010
- Location
- Swallowed by a demoness
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I would like to reply to this, but I hope you will forgive me for not replying to every single poinht you raised, and instead take a broader brush to the picture, so to speak. I do not intend to argue over each and every word, and neither do I intend to put anyone in my shoes. But what I do intend is to ask for your undertsanding. If you understand and still move on that is your choice and I can relate; sometimes I have a difficult time dealing with myself, so why shouldn't you?
When this forum was created it was intended as a stop-gap meassure, something just to fill the time till Rhea resolved whatever had shut down the original Proboards EoM. So Mordid and I (and she did an amazing job there digging up old information and getting things together) just created a place for everyone to come together and preserve what was.
When it bacame clear that this would become our home for more than just a few days or weeks I figured it would be a good opportunity to deal with some inconsictencies I had seen on EoM, especially the mix of sci-fi, fantasy, and modern elements in one site. So I tried to create a framework everyone still around could interact with.
And somewhere along the road I strayed into being an asshole at times.
I had a vision in my mind for the framework of the site and the setting, but perhaps I never made that clear enough, trying to balance between an attempt to accomodate some people and trying to put my own stamp on the site. In a way perhaps I should have been more "dictatorial", set things the way I wanted them to be (compared to the old EoM) and make it a "take it or leave it" choice, At least that would have put things out in the open. But instead I wobbled and wavered and sometimes listened, sometimes did not, instead of opting for either a firm hand on the wheel or a complete democracy with me just dealing with the technicalities of the forum.
Without knowing it I maneuvered myself into a Catch-22 where I felt I could either accomodate people so they would be happy while abandoning my own take of the site (which I thought was a decent idea), or assert myself and alienate people by doing so.
All I ever wanted to do was provide a framework, a sandbox for people to play in. I thought we were all in a general agreement (even if unspoken) what that sandbox should look like, and so I put forth may understanding of it, sometimes without listening too closely what others had to say about it. When that "vision" was challenged I sometimes reacted harshly because I was surprised that what I thought of as a shared vision was challenged. Certain things felt like a personal assault because I had assumed everyone would be in the same boat and therefore it felt personal, like something directed at me, even if it was not.
I know it might well be too late to make a new start here, but I hope you all can at least accept my apology for being an asshole at some times in the past. I have dealt with many of you badly, and for that I am sorry. Not all of it can be explained by what I said above, but I hope at least part of it can be.
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