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Phoenix Rising (temp. name); A story i've written for my Character..might be a series hopefully.
Topic Started: Aug 10 2011, 05:24 AM (170 Views)
Jigoku no Hoyo
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Chapter 1: A brother scorned

In the time before civilization was modernized, there was a clan of immortals that was left without a leader. In need of a leader, the wife of the previous one gathered her two sons, August and Gennosuke. Both Sons knelt before her and bowed their heads, waiting for her decision. They were practically twins except the fact that Gennosuke's hair was much longer with black bangs fading in to red hair,horns that protruded from his forehead, and the whites of his eyes were completely black. August on the other hand had shorter red hair that reached his shoulders. Needless to say August was pretty much the misfit of the family but, he showed promise when put to the test.
"Choose Tira.." Gennosuke whispered, believing that he'd be chosen to lead the village,but was mistaken.As his eyes opened, he saw his mother's hand resting upon August's head. "August...Lead us as your father once did." Tira announced proudly.
Neither August or Gennosuke knew their father, they've only hear tales of how great a warrior he was and how he defend the immortals. For even an Immortal can die, as long as individual has fallen in love the couple may live life as normal humans and he was no different.
Gennosuke scouled as August lifted his head. Tira nodded andmotioned for him to turn around. He did as he was asked and turned to her lowering his hakama to expose his back and shoulders. Unsure of what was next to come, he began gritting his teeth to brace himself for the worst and before he knew it a scorching phoenix shaped metal rod seared the flesh of his back. He growled loudly in pain, his voice echoing throughout the shrine. After a few seconds they pulled the rod away slowly, revealing the phoenix burn mark that was left upon him. Disgusted with Tira's decision, Gennosuke stood up and exited the shrine.

Chapter 2: A lit fuse
While relaxing in bed after the ceremony, August closed his eyes and tried to picture his father for the stories told to him and his brother. Even with all the stories all he could picture was figure stand engulfed in flames as if an epic battle an just ended.
Suddenly he was snapped back to reality by the loud unsheathing of a katana.
With just enough time to react he managed to flip out of bed toward his own katana, using it to block his enemy's. "I knew i heard an enemy..." August growled as both katanas gritted against one another.
On the other end of the opposing blade was a young female with pink and blue streaks that faded into black hair and a ninja mask covering her mouth and nose.
"Who are you and what are you doing here..?" August asked with a growl as their blade continued to grit against each other producing sparks. Holding her blade with one hand, she reached for a kunai and threw it at him. He managed to force her sword away from him only to get hit in the leg with the star shaped projectile.
Wounded and angry, August lunged forward, grabbing her by the neck.
"Away with you!" He exclaimed, causing her to crash through a paper door. He followed after her,only to find her crawling away. After ripping the kunai from his own flesh, he moved over to her and stabbed into one of her legs causing her to scream out in pain. "Ah! Hitsugi! Virgl!" she cried out, her scream mixed with the those of the villagers. As the slaughter of his people began to cease, so did the screams and two males made their way toward him.
One of the males had blue slicked back hair while the other had black spiked up hair with blonde streaks."You must be August.." The blue haired male stated, shouldering his scythe, the other sneered.
"Easy Virgil,i wanna toy with him before we kill him..Help out Kiriko i got this.." he stated.,shooting August a death glare.
"Be my guest Hitsugi.." Virgil stated, as he approached the wounded female. "You alright there girly?" He laughed. "Fuck you Virgil!" she growled in response.
Hitsugi pulled out his kasurigama and began to swing the sickle end of it around in circles, but before he could throw it in August's direction, a voice called out. "You cant beat him.."
August turned to find out where the voice came from only to find Gennosuke approaching them.
"That's bullshit! I'll kill him!" Hitsugi exclaimed,tossing his kasurigama at him. Making a small movement he avoided the attack quite easily. Angered at the fact that he missed his attack he decided to take him head on. "Faster.." August whispered, grasping the chain of the kasurigama to pull in his enemy.He yanked the chained, causing Histugi to fly toward him. As he got closer he was ambushed by a barrage of flame engulfed punches each one, lightning fast leaving him with searing pains and 3rd degree burns.
"Rapid....flame...wave!" August exclaimed while spreading his arms apart, causing a wave of fave to engulf Hitsugi.
"Fool, you should've listened..." Gennosuke smirked. When the flames gave out, Hitsugi was left in mid-air only to land on August's foot and then pushed back by it. A he hit the ground, his clothes were ripped up by the flames with burn marks all over his body and his eyes completely white and blank.
With a smirk Gennosuke approached August from behind. "Good job brother..." He stated placing his hand on his shoulder and at that moment a surge energy to ripped through August's body, something dark. He let out a loud yell as his eyes began to turn black.
Edited by Jigoku no Hoyo, Aug 11 2011, 01:59 AM.
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Shika
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Fabulous Administrator~

I like the idea you have for this and I'm interested in seeing where it's going to go with the plot. There are some spelling and grammar mistakes, though, and an explanation about the Immortals would be nice (especially if they have a prominent role in the story). Just something about their lifestyle and how they differentiate from other races (though I did notice Gennosuke's horns, and August's hair... assuming that's why he's a misfit? Or is there a different reason for that?), things like that.
For a first chapter, though, it's good. For me, the beginning of most series are dull, but this one definitely didn't bore me. It keeps you interested and gets to the conflict of the story without any distractions or filler parts that would otherwise draw you away. Very interested in reading the next chapter ^^

(Hope this helps you, sorry if I went a bit crazy haha.)

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