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Topic Started: 7 Jan 2011, 11:31 PM (182 Views)
xanne
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Bogey bum
Una servidora, un buen día le propuso a una muchacha inglesa -alias artfullola, archiconocida en la sección de fanart de este foro- que le transcribiera todo el guión de A Fistfull of Travellers Cheques. De primeras pensé que me mandaría a tomar por culo, hablando deprisa y mal, pero no; la mujer buenamente aceptó el reto y, a continuación, veréis el resultado. Ahora toca traducirlo, ¿Algún alma caritativa? ¡Por echarle morro que no se diga! x'D


Guión
 
Scene 1
-------

[Two young Englishmen, Carlos and Miguel are snoozing on a train. Two nuns are sitting opposite. One of them tries to wake Carlos. He peeks from under his Cordovan hat, smoking a cigarillo.]

Nun 1: Are you taking this train to El Poranzo?
Carlos: Am I taking this train to what?
Nun 1: El Poranzo.
Carlos: [nudging Miguel] She says, 'Are we taking this train to
El Poranzo?'

Miguel: [checking the map] No.
Carlos: No.
Miguel: We leave the train at Saint Domingo, next stop.
Carlos: The next stop.

[The nuns exchange looks. The boys cackle. Carlos coughs from cigar smoke.]

Nun 2: But this train doesn't stop at Saint Domingo.
Miguel: This train will stop at Saint Domingo, old woman.

[He winks at her and turns to Carlos, indicating the emergency pull cord. Carlos pulls it. They chuckle. An inspector appears, making them jump and raising their arms.]

Miguel: Don't shoot.
Inspector: You did this, señor?
Miguel: It was an accident.
Inspector: Money, señor. Ten thousand pesetas. Twice.
Carlos: [spitting in disapproval] Do you take... travellers cheques?

[The titles roll. Music: Traditional Spanish instrumental, suited for westerns. Close up of the train passing by followed by a shot of it in the distance.]


Scene 2
-------

[Two suitcases are thrown out of the train which has terminated in an unknown destination. Carlos stumbles out followed by Miguel. A whistle is blown. The train departs. Another inspector appears, reaching out his arm.]

Inspector: Tickets!

[Carlos' Cordovan blows away]

Carlos: What?
Inspector: [clapping promptly] Tickets.

[Miguel reaches for his gun but Carlos stops him. He gives the inspector the tickets.]

Inspector: What's this, gringo?
Carlos: [yanking him] It's a Euro Rover, old man!

[They dust themselves off and collect their suitcases.]

Inspector: OK.

[Carlos growls at him.]

[Theme music plays as they leave the station. A long road is ahead of them. Paul, a hippie hitchhiker is waiting wearily by another road. There's no sign of life apart from the sound of crickets. Camera pans out to reveal the desert's barren landscape.]


Scene 3
-------
[Carlos and Miguel enter a town. Spaghetti-western type suspense music is played. Mr Bastardos looks from his paper. The locals looks onwards as the two continue to strut down the road. A resident drives his motorcycle between them from behind. Carlos jumps. Bastardos grins. A car driven in front swerves round them. Miguel spits which lands on the Bastardos's paper. He's shoots and misses as they turn a corner. They enter a hotel and swagger towards the desk, dropping their suitcases loudly in unison. Carlos lights his cigar.]

Man at desk: [in a foreign accent] You English?
Carlos: Yes.
Miguel: Yeah.
Man at desk: I am...Argentine.

[They exit quickly. They find Mr Bastardos beating up the barman.]

Mr Bastardo: Everybody happy, la la la lala la la! [bangs him against the garage door.]
Everybody happy, la la la lala la la! [encore]. Where you mama gone? La la lala... [he's stops as Miguel steps in.]

Barman: [to Bastardos] Thank you.
Miguel: Tell me amigo, what's the meanest, nastiest,
dirtiest as hell hotel in town?
Carlos: Yes, for two mean, ugly, gun-slinging bastards for us
to stay in for two weeks?
Barman: Ah, Hotel Bastardos. It's a bitch! [Referring to Mr
Bastardos] This is my manager. He is my best friend.
Miguel: [raising his hand to shake] Nice to meet you, Mr
Bastardos.

Mr Bastardos: [hawks and spits into Miguel's palm.]
You be in my hotel at four o' clock, you bastard
ingles. [He head butts the barman unconscious.]
Carlos: Thank you.

[They leave town. Original theme music plays. They find the hotel blatantly titled "Hotel Bastardos". Mr Bastardos is nailing a list of rules on the reception wall, some of them reading: 'No instant coffee. No spurs, No pissing in the pool, No spitting on the floor.']

Miguel: [ringing the bell] Hey, double B&B for one night,
Capitan.
Mr Bastardos: [banging Miguel's hand on the bell with the hammer.]
Get your hands off my country, you tourist filth!
Miguel: [turning to Carlos] I think I like this place.
[to Bastardos] Make that two weeks.


Scene 4
-------

[Carlos and Miguel are in their hotel room]

Miguel: [on the bed, reading from a pamphlet] Colour TV in
every room... Jacuzzi... two bars... disco... every
Friday...
Carlos: [casually spinning the barrel on his revolver] Where's
the disco?
Miguel: ...except October. [he tosses the pamphlet aside]

[Carlos replaces his revolver in his holster and walks towards the window, leaning.]

Carlos: I don't think I like this place.
Miguel: I don't think I like you.
Carlos: [turning to Miguel] I don't think I heard that.
Miguel: I don't think I said it.
Carlos: I don't think... [he's shoots into the ceiling]
... therefore, I am.

[They laugh hysterically, shooting and tipping the room up. They stop as soon as they hear the knock on the door. It's Bastardos.]

Mr Bastardos: Hey, have you got guns in there?

[Miguel hides the guns down the lavatory and flushes. Carlos restores the beds as they were and opens the door.]

Carlos: Yeah?
Bastardos: [threatening him with hammer] You no fire guns in the
bedroom, yeah? [to Miguel] and you no flushing guns
down the lavatory.
Miguel: How come there's no soft toilet paper?
Bastardos: This, is Hotel Bastardos. No soft toilet paper in Hotel
Bastardos. [he spits on the floor] You want soft toilet
paper? You go to Hotel Gayboy, you whinging pommies!
And another thing. You no set fire to the beds, eh?
Good, good, good. OK. Everybody happy, la la lala...

[He exits]

Carlos: I'll set fire to a bed factory if I feel like it.
Miguel: Hotel Bastardos. It's Moncoutant Unpleasantness.
[spits] This toilet thing's everything...[mumbles]
Carlos: [under his breath]... now on Thursday, if the
refectory's still there, I'll tie both his children
...[he slips on the area where Miguel had just spat on]


Scene 5
-------

[Paul is still waiting by the road. A landrover shows up and pulls over.]

Driver: Excuse me, is this the road to El Poranzo?
Paul: Yeah, and that's exactly where I'm going.
Is that where you going?
Driver: Yes it is. Have a nice day. [drives off leaving Paul
behind.]


Scene 6
-------

[Carlos and Miguel are horse riding with a group.]

Instructor: Right, keep your heels down and your toes to the
heavens.
Rider: Hey Kerkhofs, what have you got in those bags?
Carlos: A picnic lunch. [laughs]

[Carlos and Miguel halt.]

Carlos: I don't think I want to be on a sissy, leading rein
anymore.
Miguel: Neither do I [he cuts the reins with a switchblade.]
Instructor: Prepare to trot and -----!

[The others ride off]


Miguel: [waving] So long, ol' bitch! [They throw their helmets
away.]

[They try ride off but the horses don't comply. Miguel unmounts.]

Miguel: Listen you bastard horse, do what I'm saying or it's
the kitty cat factory for you. [He takes out his gun]
Do you understand? [He shoots, spooking the horses.
and gallop away. They case after them Miguel still
shooting. They give up.]


Scene 7
-------

[A Volksvagen campervan passes by. Inside is two Australian tourists.]

Both: [singing] I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn
how to fly HIGH!
Jackie: So I said to John I'd be like in Rome in September.
Shona: Whereabouts?
Jackie: Italy.
Shona: Ah, is that the Rome Beer festival?
Jackie: No, that's in Munich.
Shona: What, the Rome Beer festival in Munich?
Jackie: No! Rome's just art and broken statues. I mean, if you
want beer, you gotta go to Munich.
Shona: Ah beaut, let's go there, they'll be all those, y'know
blonde German guys with cute hips and leather pants.
Jackie: Yeah, and Nazi tattoos. Do me a favour, Shona. Get
politically aware, why dontchya!
Shona: Where do you wanna go then, Venice? That's got a lotta
art.
Jackie: No, I've been there. It stinks. Did you know they
built it on a lake? Can you believe it?

[Paul is hunkered down, hitching dozily.]

Jackie: Well, we've done London, Paris, Rome, Venice...
What's left?
Shona: Benidorm?
Jackie: It's a place?
Shona: Look, it's got surf, it's got sand and it's got a
sex life, Jackie.
Jackie: Struth, Shona, we've only been gone six weeks.
Shona: Look Jackie, what's the point coming to Europe and
not getting laid?
Jackie: What about him? [they come across Paul collapsed on
the road.]
Shona: Struth, what a disaster!
Jackie: Yeah, the kind of guy who gives you crabs. [to Paul]
You OK? [to Shona] He's passed out.
Shona: Must be pommie.
Paul: [getting in the van] I don't know where it is you're
going but I'm coming with you. I'm staying with you.
Have you got any mandies? [he falls onto the bed]
Jackie: Hi, I'm Jackie and this is Shona. What's your name?
Paul: What's this? [spills the ashtray on sheets]
Aww, sorry, man. I just put cigarette and ash and that
all over your duvet. Shall I clean it up with this?
[He grabs a shirt to clean it up]
Jackie: No!
Paul: I know, I'll turn it over so you won't see it.
[He flips the duvet over clumsily.]

[Sticking his head between Jackie and Shona.]

Paul: Well then, I'm Paul. What's your name?
Jackie: I'm Jackie and this is Shona.
Shona: Hi.
Paul: Hello Shona. What, you speak English, don't ya?
Shona: Oh yeah, we're Aussies.
Paul: Oh, well hard. Look, can you cash a giro I've got
this giro, you see, it's valid and everything but
but I couldn't cash it before the ferry went, right
because Julie, that's my daughter, right, set fire to
my bag, man! [laughs moronically]
[reaches for the dashboard] Have you got any cash
on ya?


Scene 8
-------

[Themed suspense music. Camera pans across El Cortijo del Fraile.]

Miguel: Carlos?

[He walks towards the church, sees the steeple cross and crosses his heart. He searches around, gun at the ready. Carlos is standing in an open spot.]

Carlos: You start the row.
Miguel: I went first last time.
Carlos: No you didn't.
Miguel: Did.
Carlos: Didn't.
Miguel: Did.
Carlos: Didn't!
Miguel: Did!
Carlos: Did not!
Miguel: [spitting] You calling me a liar?
Carlos: Sorry, have we started yet?
Miguel: [normal voice] Course I have, you great tosser!
Carlos: Right, start again.

[They now stand ten paces from each other.]

Miguel: [back in character] You calling me a liar?

[Carlos takes a drag from his cigar and spits but the spit chains from his shoulder.]

Carlos: Yes.
Miguel: Well then, you're going to die.

[Cue music. Shot of Carlos posing a Clint Eastwood look. The church bell goes. They start shooting at each other. Carlos gets the last fire. Miguel folds his arms indifferently in defeat.]


Scene 9
-------

[The campervan stops at a bar. Paul staggers out to Shona.]

Paul: Sorry about this, man. It's just I've got this
stomach upset, just here in my stomach. Means
I've got to go to the toilet every ten minutes.
Shona: Off you go then, Paul.
Paul: You're not going to drive off without me or anything
like that, are ya?
Shona: [lying] Oh no, Paul.

[Shona winks to Jackie. Paul takes the keys when she's not looking.]

Paul: Well, I'm just gonna take these keys then in case
you're lying.
Jackie: Shit!


Scene 10
-------

[Carlos and Miguel are still squared up.]

Carlos: Let's make it about football this time.
Miguel: Yeah.
Carlos: Which football team do you support?
Miguel: Eh... Watford.
Carlos: [spits] Watford can't play to save their lives,
amigo!
Miguel: I agree.
Carlos: Oh. Oh, well then, I don't agree! I think they can
play. They just need a new manager!
Miguel: Yeah.
Carlos: Anyway. You're going to die!

[They shoot again, amateurishly. Carlos sighs as they finish.]

Carlos: [taking off his hat] I think...
Miguel: What is it, amigo?
Carlos: I think I'm getting a suntan!


Scene 11
--------

[Inside the bar]

Paul: No. Where's the bog? The bog?
Bartender: No te entiendo.
Paul: El bogo?
Bartender: Tienes pinta borracho.
Paul: Where's the bog?
Bartender: No te entiendo. Nada.


[He sidles towards Billy, a Geordie dressed as a matador.]

Paul: Are you gonna eat all of that, are ya?
Billy: Fuck off!
Paul: Oh what? You're English? I'm Paul. Let's shake
hands. [They shake. Paul tries to steal his chips]
Billy: You're in trouble! [he grabs his knife]
Paul: Yeah well, it's not so bad now, 'cos I've got a ride
off these, y'know, Australian chicks. I think one of
them's gonna cash my giro.

[Shona and Jackie enter to order.]

Paul: That's them over there.
Billy: Which one's Giro?
Paul: I dunno, but I'm probably gonna end sleeping with one
of them tonight. That one with the big tits and the
money.

[The girls exchange looks]


Scene 12
--------

[A snake is hissing nearby.]

Miguel: I think I'm a bit peckish.
Carlos: Yes, this killing is hungry work, amigo. And you and
I have not yet had our elevenses. Where's the packed
lunch?
Miguel: It's on the horses.
Carlos: What? You mean we haven't got any food? Well BF, I'm
absolutely starving!
Miguel: [picking up a rock] Hey, have a rock cake, amigo!

[He throws the rock. The hissing ceases. The snake is dead.]


Scene 13
--------

[Back in the bar]

Billy: I'm a matador, but I lost me driving licence. Now
I work up at abattoir.
Paul: So, what you wanna do? Do you wanna come with us,
do ya? You could probably have the spare one,
y'know, if you want, I expect. Have you got any
drugs?
Billy: I'm a mass murderer, I am.
Paul: That's cool. We've all got to be something. What
sign are you, man?
Billy: Trouble!
Paul: [laughs] Yeah, nice one! Look, look, I'll fix it
all up, right. You're definitely coming with us,
alright? OK then. Stay there, don't worry. Ah eh...
I'll have that, yeah? [He pinches his steak.]

[Towards the girls.]

Paul: Shona! How are ya? Listen, listen. I've run into
Trouble and he wants to come with us.
Jackie: Well, if you ask me, he looks like a right dill.
Shona: Yeah, no more freeloaders, thank you.
Jackie: He might be a mass murderer for all you know!
Paul: He is, man! But he's alright.
Shona: The answer is definitely 'no' so give me the keys
back.
Paul: Oh look, c'mon man. Look, look. He'll be alright.
He's alright. I swear. On my daughter's
life, right, I swear. I really promise, that
everything will be OK, right?

[Inside the campervan]

Shona: [to Billy] Hi, I'm Shona and this is Jackie. What
do you do for a living, Trouble?
Billy: [takes out switchblade] Take your clothes off.
Paul: Yeah, let's have a party!
Billy: Not you, him! [threatening Shona] Take your
clothes off!
Shona: What did you just say?
Billy: TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF!


Scene 14
--------

[Organ plays. Carlos and Miguel have given the snake a burial. They pray.]

Miguel: Dear Lord. Please take this poor little snake
into your arms and there it may find peace and
happiness. Amen.
Carlos: Amen.
Miguel: Our Father...
Carlos: Our Father...
Miguel: ... we charge in Heaven...

[Shot of the campervan driving by. Shona is fighting off Billy.]

Both: ... thy Kingdom come, thy will be done...

[Billy is thrown out of the van and rolls into the grave]

Both: ... gives us this day our daily bread and forgive
us our trespasses...

Miguel: [points gun at Billy] You just landed on our
grave.
Billy: It's not my fault. I was thrown out of a VW.
I weren't doing nothing...
Carlos: Shut up!
Miguel: Who sent you?
Billy: A bloke called Paul. He's a bastard!
Miguel: Who are you?
Billy: I...I can't remember.
Miguel: So, you're the man with No Name.
Billy: Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Billy Balfour, the man
with no name.
Carlos: In that case, we'll call you Trevor.
Billy: And I'll call you next week!
Miguel: Not so fast, No Name. We're not finished with
you yet.
Carlos: We want information.
Billy: Huh? [guns at Billy's head]
Carlos: Have you got any sandwiches?
Billy: No...
Miguel: What about biscuits?
Billy: ...no...
Carlos: Crisps?
Billy: ...no...
Miguel: Chewing gum?
Billy: ...no...
Carlos: What about some cake?
Miguel: What about chocolate cake?
Carlos: With hundreds and thousands?
Miguel: And no marzipan?
Billy: Look, I haven't got any food! I haven't got any
sodding food!
Carlos: Well then. You're going to die!

[They square him up. Billy picks up the cross from the grave.]

Miguel: Say your prayers, amigo.
Billy: Which one? I don't know any prayers.
Carlos: Well, perhaps then you should have paid more
attention in Divinity class. You might have lived
five minutes longer.

[They both draw their guns.]

Billy: Wait! I know where there's a cafe. It's great.
They specialize in food.
Miguel: It's a trick.
Carlos: Prove it.
Billy: Just there. [he points towards the cafe which is
in sight.]


[The campervan shows up outside the aforementioned cafe. It's out of gas and the girls are pushing it along with Paul in the driver's seat.]

Paul: Come on! Keep it going!

[The cafe owner notices]

Cafe owner: Keep calm, Julie. That's a very big bus. There
could be six people in there! Jesus, if they only
buy coffee, it's enough to pay the ground rent!
[to himself] OK, let's give them a good time, you
and me. I'll put on the music, you light the
candle. What do they like, what do they like?
Come on, come on, what do they like? The Eagles,
yeah! Everybody likes The Eagles... [pressing
the buttons on jukebox] D4!

[He lights the table candle. The record plays but sticks.]

Cafe owner: Argh, come on! [he kicks it. It stops]
[sobbing] I don't believe it. I don't believe it!
[he smashes the glass in frustration, injuring
his hand.] Arrrrrrgggghhh! [he goes behind the
beads.]

Paul: [entering] Hello?

[He steals a chocolate bar, waits at the table and then decides to check the till. It rings. The Cafe owner appears with his hand now bandaged up.]

Cafe owner: Hi.
Paul: Hi. (Lying) I just bought this [holds up the
chocolate bar]. Is that where the 10p's go then,
is it?
Cafe owner: Anywhere, sir. Anywhere.

[Paul steals some change when he's not looking.]

Cafe owner: I kinda thought you might like this table, it's
got the best table cloth, and uh, view.
Paul: [with bottle of wine.] Can I drink this?
Cafe owner: For sure. Can I join you?
Paul: Okay.
Cafe owner: Are you on your own? That's an awfully big bus
to be driving on your own. I kinda thought that
there'd be some others.
Paul: No.

[Outside, Shona and Jackie are pinching a bottle of gas to refuel.]

Paul: [filling his glass] Listen. What I think we
should do is, you and I, should talk. Just
talk. Sitting here until they've finished, y'know
the business. Whatever. [swigs]

Shona: Look Jackie, I've had enough. If I so much as see
that pommie again, I'm gonna be sick all over the
back seat, and that's for real.
Jackie: [refuelling] Look, if you really wanna get rid of
him, dump his bag and we'll drive off.
Shona: Good idea.

[Shona picks up his bag and throws it away. It stinks.]

Shona: [pinching her nose] Aurgh, Jesus!
[grabs a lighter] Might as well do it properly
while we're here. [lighting the bag]
Jackie: Yeah, you'll be doing him a favour!

[She finishes refuelling but doesn't realize that the bottle is marked 'WATER'.]

Shona: [wafting the smoke] Burn! [she looks up] Aw
Jesus, Jackie, look.

[Theme music. It's Carlos, Miguel and Billy making their way up]

Jackie: Uh oh, looks like 'take your clothes off' time.
Shona: Yeah, and he's got a couple of pals with him as
well.

[They run inside the van. It won't start up.]

Shona: Aww, c'mon...

[They get closer]

Shona: [agitated] Ah, fuck this diego petrol! Alright,
what do we do?
Jackie: Quick, the Ladies!

[They both run inside the cafe]

Shona: [To Paul and the cafe owner] Jesus, don't these
deserts make you wanna piss a lot? [they hide
in the Ladies toilets]
Paul: Hello? Heh... [fills glass]

[Shot from behind of the guys]

Billy: Look! It's those bastards that drove me over the
cliff!

[He chucks everything out of the van. Carlos and Miguel enter the cafe.]

Cafe owner: Hi guys. Can I make you a cocktail?
Miguel: Whisky.
Carlos: And steaks.
Cafe owner: Okay. Two steaks, wow!

[They walk towards the desk. The Cafe owner hands them their drinks.]

Cafe owner: Two steaks coming right up.
Miguel: Wait. Make that four.
Carlos: Each.
Miguel: Six.
Carlos: Eight.
Miguel: Ten!
Cafe owner: Aw c'mon guys, ten steaks each? Are you joking?
Miguel: Do we look like comedians?
Carlos: What do you call a man with his ding-a-ling in a
piece of melon?
Cafe owner: I don't know.
Carlos: Christopher. [Miguel chuckles] See what I mean?
Now get the steaks, amigo.
Cafe owner: Heh, sure. [he does a peace sign and goes behind
the beads.]

[They down their drinks]

Paul: Knock knock?
Miguel: Who's there?
Paul: Paul!
Carlos: Paul who?
Paul: Paul can you cash a giro or have you got any
mandies? [laughs]

[Carlos and Miguel draw their guns]

Paul: Woah, woah! [staggers backwards] Oh look, here
comes Trouble! [Billy enters] Hello Trouble! How
are ya, man?

[He head butts Paul]

Billy: You bastard! Where's those women?

[Paul picks up a chair and breaks it weakly over Billy. He throws himself at Paul.]

Jackie: [looking through a crack in the door] Oh my God,
Shona... the rapist's killing Paul!
Shona: Well, that's a blessing.
Cafe owner: [on phone with steaks]...Okay, so you're gonna
send a squad car round... uh huh...okay. Would
you mind waiting until they settle the cheque?
[pause] Thank you. Have a nice day. [hangs up]

[Paul and Billy continue to brawl as the Cafe owner is about to serve Carlos and Miguel.]

Cafe owner: [To Billy and Paul] Hey! Take it easy, guys! I
don't have a fighting licence!

[Billy smashes an empty bottle over the jukebox. Lively music starts playing. Shot of Shona and Jackie still inside the Ladies lavatory]

Billy: [unseen] Where's those bastard women?!

[Shona screams]

Jackie: Shut up. SHUT UP! [she slaps her]

[Shona slaps back. They start their own fight by slapping each other. Billy is throwing the furniture about.]

Cafe owner: [to Carlos and Miguel tucking in to their
steaks.] So I couldn't decide whether to have
blue or green so I got both. Because I thought,
if you're drinking, like Rosé, you don't wanna
have to look at a pink table cloth, right?

[Billy appears between them]

Billy: Where's them bastard women?

[Cafe owner punches him square on the nose. He continues with his conversation.]

Cafe owner: Personally, I don't care about the colour of a
table cloth. The most important thing, is to
relax and just get along with people.

[Billy re-appears]

Billy: WHERE'S THEM BASTARD WOMEN?!

[Cafe owner yells and punches him again knocking him out. Jackie pushes Shona out, breaking the door down. The Cafe owner picks up Billy with Paul smashing a bottle over his head. They all continue to fight except Carlos and Miguel who continue to eat their meal quietly, ignoring the action.]

[Passage of time. Carlos and Miguel have finished eating. Everyone else is lying unconscious.]

Miguel: Well amigo...
Carlos: I think it's time to move on.

[Carlos steps over the heap. Miguel switches off the jukebox.]

Miguel: [reading the titles] Hey, 'John, Paul, George
and Gringo.'

[They both laugh which turns into a loud cackle. Carlos leaves a travellers cheque on the passed-out Cafe owner as they exit. They stop. Two squad cars and six policemen are outside ready to fire. Carlos and Miguel exchange looks sizing the situation, unnerved. Unlike them, the police have live arms. There's no room for negotiation. Scene pauses at our Banditos Ingleses in the midst of drawing their guns as the sound of gunfire continues; a reference to the famous ending from 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid'.]

[Music and credits roll.]
fuente: elusive-angel.deviantart.com
Edited by xanne, 7 Jan 2011, 11:32 PM.
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