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| Taking my leave for a while. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 2 2014, 07:58 PM (255 Views) | |
| Skillkill | Sep 2 2014, 07:58 PM Post #1 |
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Cynic extraordinaire, eggnog thief, and imma back for the fish.
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Disclaimer: I'm not angry with anyone. Nothing has changed except my own emotional and physical well-being as of late and I am writing this primarily because recent events have made it difficult for me to handle being with you guys. I would like to explain why instead of disappearing without warning and figuring Skill's offed himself given his recent bouts of depression or that he's pulled a DF/GF and left in an angry incoherent fit of rage without reason. It's been less fun than it's been worth the last month or so to try to stick around on the forums or the skype chat as of late. Amps has me in this frustrating dual situation where it feels like he hates my guts and refuses to let his guard down around me constantly viewing everything as a personal attack of some kind, while simultaneously leaning on us for support, approval and to help him check his stuff because most of the rest of the forums is largely convinced they're incompetent due to RPs we've both run where characters have exhibited bad judgement. While he jokes at this he's obviously suffered enough anxiety that he's running the RP gauntlet as a legitimate way of validating his beliefs and understanding how far he can actually go which is probably a good thing but because nobody else would nut up I'm the only one who's been volunteering so I'm constantly being measured and scrutinized. Along with that Amps' usual egocentric high upkeep personality is has been causing me grief as well. I'm line breaking and bolding here before you start sending me an angry rant that I don't hate Amps for this and he should not interpret it this way. He should be aware of at least some of it this by now and I am friends with him because I normally accept this behavior but it is currently causing me anxiety that I cannot endure without compromising my own well-being and happiness. Amps as of late and his refusal to admit when he's wronged people to the point I need contact him personally and track down incidents to their source to discover why they occurred because he'll damage his relationships with other people if I don't (I've had to do this repeatedly, most recently with Markyjoe1990. Even at that point I realized getting apologies from Amps was pretty futile even when he realized he was angry for no reason and before he tries no I am not seeking an apology.), his need for us to laugh at his jokes or express approval for him is tiring when I can't really even enjoy my own hobbies an interests, let alone those of another, and his general edginess (he turned a homophobic joke at his expense into an "I'm no better than you session" in a really bizarre self damaging way in an attempt to try to hurt me.) has made it feel less like I'm talking with one of my best friends of nearly seven years and more like I'm playing 20 questions with a paranoid girlfriend trying to convince her that I wasn't fucking around behind her back. That said, it's honestly probably not actually even different from usual but last night was basically the final straw where I could not actually express a broad dissenting opinion without Amps getting offended and interpreting it as a personal attack that I had to back up. I love you dude but I can't handle this in my life right now. It sucks because I usually enjoy talking with Amps since he's usually one of the few people who enjoys actively engaging me or humoring me on the very specific topics that we enjoy talking about but at the moment the bad is outweighing the good. TNT is never around and we barely talk that much anyway, so while I enjoy our conversation I always find it difficult to engage him these days. I've expressed it before Marks is an extreme irritant because when we talk he is emotionally needy in a similar way to Ampchu but unlike Ampchu he does not have opinions of his own to express, does not develop them or bother to integrate new experiences into his learning and thus is not intellectually stimulating so much as intellectually draining. As such talking to him for prolonged periods of time is the conversational equivalent of mashing my genitals against a brick wall in an attempt to teach it the Fibonacci sequence until they are reduced to a fine red paste. Nothing is accomplished other than self harm and plenty of embarrassment from both sides. I could go on at length citing examples but as I do not believe him capable of learning from his mistakes it would be an exercise in futility and redundancy. JC's been difficult to reach for the past month thanks to his japan trip and will likely remain so thanks to college. I realized recently how much him being around kept me in check and made it more easy to deal with the above. Because he's generally reasonable and we aren't as sharply polarized as my usual friends I can usually keep a conversation with him going without too much difficulty or fear it'll become an angry rant but I realized as of late that I don't really want to put myself in an environment that is causing me frustrations to enjoy our conversations. Chimp I contact in other environments on a relatively frequent basis. The rest of the people that are in the group I can say I am both not as close with and do not share a very strong negative opinion. If I have offended anyone by stating this I apologize but we have not had as many opportunities as of late to go either way. So for the group chat that is three people I enjoy the presence of with no strings attached but are either largely unavailable or available readily elsewhere, one that I have difficulty tolerating, and one of my closest friends that I am having difficulties enjoying our time together because of emotional friction in the relationship. On top of this I'm dealing with my own depression, and I find it extremely difficult to become motivated or enthusiastic about anything and when I expend my energy handling petty bullshit I legitimately get angry myself for doing so and I legitimately wanted everything to go away. That's usually when stress is piling up to the point where if progresses for me I'll either be unable to recover from it in a reasonable period of time or actively become suicidal because I cannot deal with it for prolonged periods of time. I cannot stress how much that is a shitty sensation to feel when being with people I believe to be my friends. I'm already dealing with college and my father's horseshit that I really can't manage this on top of it. So does this mean I'm quitting forever or do not? I don't really know. I'm probably not done with you guys for sure, but I need a break. I can't do this, and I keep trying I'll be so miserable I won't know what to do with myself. I'll be on skype if you guys need to get a hold of me but I need some space and a more controlled environment for now. |
| The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door | |
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| Solien-sama | Sep 3 2014, 12:16 AM Post #2 |
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Super Member
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You're probably just tired from all the recent events whether in real life or around here. Just have a nice rest for now. |
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"There is no perfection. There is, however, excellence." So... equalization to get your silly little video game mechanics in? Sure thing. | |
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| EnergyFlux2012 | Sep 3 2014, 12:40 AM Post #3 |
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All will be one.
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Take care then and do what you need to do. Hope to see you again. |
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| marks3684 | Oct 9 2016, 05:23 PM Post #4 |
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General of the Blue Rats
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You know, looking back at this leave thread now, and yeah..... I dunno if I should either facepalm or just laugh at how butthurt this baby was before he ragequit from this place. |
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2:17 PM Jul 11