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| The Vow; fan fiction (UPDATED 06/02) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Mar 11 2012, 05:32 PM (4,150 Views) | |
| Megan | Mar 11 2012, 05:32 PM Post #1 |
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A/N: New McSwarek shipper here I've somehow gotten my muse back as far as writing goes, and figured I'd try my hand at McSwarek. I hope I do them justice. Feedback is needed FF.net ![]() Prologue “You believe in signs Trace?” Andy asked her best friend, as they were standing in the sterile hospital room packing up Andy’s belongings, while Sam was taking care of her release papers. “What do you mean?” Tracy asked not sure what Andy was getting at – only thing Traci was sure of these days was that Sam and Andy had been through hell, and needed some relief. “Maybe…maybe I’m not suited for this, and somehow fate intertwined.” Andy tried to make sense of this senseless situation her and Sam was in. “Andy listen to me…” Traci grabbed her best friend by the shoulders, and looked her directly in the eyes. “…what happened to you and Sam was cruel, and no matter how much you try and make sense out of it you can’t. It was an unspeakable tragedy, but it does in no way reflect on your capabilities as a mother you hear me?” Andy felt tears stream down her cheeks, but was so numb these days she couldn’t even phantom raising her hand, and wiping them away. “How can you be so sure?” Andy asked her voice hoarse evident of having spent countless hours mourning the loss of her and Sam’s baby. “Just look at you and Leo huh? You were there for his birth, for every single birthday/Christmas/summer grill parties. I could go on and on. And when Leo needed to learn how to skate – who taught him huh? You did McNally. Come here.” Traci pulled her best friend into a hug, which prompted Andy to immediately clutch onto fistfuls of Traci’s sweater – needing something to hold onto. “Thank you Trace…” Andy hiccupped unable to hold the emotions back any longer, as Sam appeared in the doorway of the room witnessing the two best friends in a tight embrace. Traci locked eyes with Sam, and felt sorry for him. He looked like a wreck; running his fingers through his black hair before they came to rest under his stubbled chin. “…you just deduct it from the tons of favors you’ve done for me over the years’ girl…” Traci replied knowing full-well that neither she nor Leo would be where they were today if it hadn’t been for Andy. *** The ride home from the hospital had been quiet, too quiet. Andy had glanced over at Sam many times, but for the first time ever she’d been speechless. Did she feel guilty? Was it her fault? Did she blame him? Was it his fault? Or was Traci right? Was it really just an unspeakable tragedy where no one was to blame? The truck came to a full stop in front of their house. Sam shut off the engine and leaned against the seat with a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry…” Andy’s voice was barely a whisper, but Sam caught every word breaking his heart. “…sorry? Baby you have nothing to be sorry about…” Sam replied turning around in his seat placing his hands on each side of Andy’s face, and bringing it close to his own. “…yes I do. If I hadn’t been working that day, if I hadn’t been working in booking then maybe…” Andy rambled on trying to find a reason for why it had happened – why they’d lost their baby refusing to look Sam in the eyes. “…shh…” Sam shushed her kissing her on the forehead before angling her head so she looked him straight in the eyes. “…Sam…” Andy whimpered, as tears made their way down her cheeks. “…I don’t care how many times I have to repeat this to you, but nothing that’s happened these past couple of days has been your fault. It kills me to see you this way, and if I could take away this hurt I would. You are everything to me, and I love you so much.” Sam continued as a single tear made its way down his cheek. “I love you too…” Andy whispered, drying away the single tear with her right hand. “…come on.” Sam replied, as they got out of the truck, and made their way into their home; their quiet home. *** “Mommy!” Leo squealed, as Traci entered the home she shared with Jerry and Leo. “Hi sweetie…” Traci smiled squatting down, and gathering Leo in a hug as Jerry appeared in the kitchen doorway. “…how is auntie Andy? I’ve made her a get-better card.” Leo asked looking between his mom and Jerry noticing that something wasn’t right. “Baby…auntie Andy will love this!” Traci exclaimed putting on a brave face for her 9 year old. “Buddy…why don’t you head upstairs, and jump into bed? Then your mom will be right up to tuck you in. You have a big day tomorrow remember?” Jerry reminded the boy he considered to be his own even though biologically Dex was his father. “Okay…” Leo replied heading upstairs, as Traci yelled after him. “…I’ll be right up baby…” Jerry helped Traci shrug out of her jacket before taking her into his arms. “…how are they doing?” Jerry asked running his hands up and down his fiancées back. “About as well as you could expect. God! And Andy is of course blaming herself, and Sam…God Jerry he’s a wreck.” Traci told her fiancé, as they walked into the living room holding hands before taking a seat on the couch. “Collins better steer clear off Sammy for the rest of his life…” Jerry sighed in the back of his throat. “Nick isn’t to blame for this!” Traci exclaimed feeling protective of her fellow colleague. “Hey, hey, hey. I’m not saying that either, but I know Sammy, and he’ll need to blame someone. Right now he’s focused on Andy, as he should be. But at some point he’ll need somewhere to put all of his frustration.” Jerry tried to explain. “Nick was there in booking when it happened; yes. But that doesn’t translate into it being his fault that it happened.” Traci continued to support her friend and colleague. “He should have had a better handle on the situation Trace…” “…so what you’re saying is that if the roles had been reversed, and if I’d been there instead of Nick it would’ve been my fault Sam and Andy lost their baby?!” Traci exclaimed almost jumping off the couch in anger. “No! Because you wouldn’t have made that mistake.” Jerry argued. “You can’t know that. Everybody can make a mistake – none of us are perfect Jerry. Not even you and Sam.” “Where is this coming from Trace? I don’t want to fight all right? Let’s just agree to table this conversation huh?” Jerry offered walking towards Traci. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m just so tired…” Traci tried unsuccessfully to suppress a yawn, as Jerry gathered her in his arms. “…I love you, you know that right?” Jerry whispered into Traci’s hair. “I love you too.” Traci smiled, as they could hear Leo yelling he was ready for his bedtime story. Jerry and Traci walked hand in hand upstairs to spend time with their son. *** Sam hated feeling this way; useless. He had known the feeling since he’d been nine years old. Back then it had been his sister Sarah that had been hurting, and now it was Andy. Just like back then with Sarah he couldn’t help Andy now. Something precious had been yanked out of their lives, and now they were left picking up the pieces of their shattered lives. Andy stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror gathering her brown locks in a messy bun on the top of her head. She felt numb; completely and utterly numb. Why had it happened? Why had they lost their little one? Andy wondered, as she placed her hand on her now childless stomach. It had only been a week since Sam and her had been in bed fantasizing about the future they were about to embark on with their little one. “There are a couple of things you need to know about your mom and dad kiddo, first of all; your mom and I we’re awesome, so by extension so are you…” “…what are you doing?” Andy asked putting the book aside she was reading looking at Sam who had his head perched on her little bump talking to their little one. “Having a conversation with our little one is all…” Sam smiled back in full-dimple style, as Andy ran her fingers through his dark hair. “…oh really?” Andy asked raising her eyebrows. “…can’t hurt readying him…” Sam started, but was cut off by his wife saying “…or her…” Andy objected since it was still too early to know whether they were having a boy or a girl. “…or her for their new life.” Sam repeated with a smile before raising Andy’s tank top a little to place a soft kiss on the bump. “Sam…” Andy whimpered, as Sam let his lips linger on Andy’s tantalizing skin a moment too long before he moved up her body placing kisses as he went before their lips crashed together, while Sam supported his weight on his forearms careful not to crush his pregnant wife. “…I love you…” Sam whispered, as he gave her neck some attention, while Andy buried her fingers in his dark hair moaning “…I love you too…” The spray of the shower brought Andy back to reality, as the water hit her body. Everything seemed to hit her at that moment. What they’d had, what they’d lost and how they were ever going to get back to who they were again. The tears started without any warning, and suddenly Andy’s entire body was wracked with sobs, as she slid down the shower wall until she was sitting on the floor; her knees bent and her arms clutching them. Sam had heard the shower running, but was growing worried when after a while it wasn’t turned off like Andy usually would do when shampooing her hair. Sam walked to the bathroom door, and gently tapped on the door not wanting to encroach on Andy’s space. But when he heard small sobs escaping the room he didn’t hesitate rushing into the room. As soon as his eyes adjusted to the steam coming from the shower he could make out Andy’s form from behind the shower doors. “Sweetheart…” Sam’s heart bled, as he saw the woman he loved more than life itself sitting on the floor of the shower; her hands covering her eyes trying to relinquish the sobs escaping her throat. Sam moved slowly into the shower turning off the water squatting down in front of Andy placing his hands on top of Andy’s removing them from her eyes making her look him in the eyes. “…Sam…” Andy whimpered, as Sam helped her to her feet holding her in his arms, as he reached out for a towel, and wrapping her in it. “…shh…I’ve got you…” Sam whispered bending down, placing one arm underneath Andy’s knees, and supporting her back with his other arm before walking into their bedroom holding the woman he loved in his arms. An hour later Andy was curled up against Sam on the bed – a blanket covering them both from the waist down. Sam was drawing circles with his fingers up and down Andy’s arm in soothing motions, as Andy snuggled closer in her sleep needing to find her solace, and Sam was exactly that. Edited by Megan, Jun 1 2012, 08:54 PM.
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Susanne![]() Avatar / Banner courtesy of Kazza | |
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| Cythy | Mar 11 2012, 06:56 PM Post #2 |
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This sounds really interesting. I hope you do flashbacks to show how they got to the point where she lost the baby as you have them moving forward and embracing the present and realizing that nothing could have been done. |
![]() Catch you on the flip side Check me out: ff.net ; livejournal | |
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| deedee920 | Mar 11 2012, 07:28 PM Post #3 |
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Great writing, and great idea. As someone who has had a miscarriage I think you are capturing the emotions very well. Keep going, I would follow this story |
![]() Thank you Tess for the avatar & banner!♥ | |
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| Robb89 | Mar 11 2012, 09:50 PM Post #4 |
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I like where this is going! Have you thought about posting this on fanfiction.net? I'm sure you'd get some great reviews! |
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| Natalie | Mar 11 2012, 11:33 PM Post #5 |
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Oh I really like your writing style. Have you posted your story elsewhere? |
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| Megan | Mar 12 2012, 03:43 AM Post #6 |
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Thanks for all the wonderful replies - it means a lot. I haven't posted this on fanfiction.net yet, but I just might after all these great replies :-) To answer a previous questions then the next installment will deal with what exactly happened the day Sam and Andy lost their baby - stay tuned ;-) |
Susanne![]() Avatar / Banner courtesy of Kazza | |
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| Hawley | Mar 12 2012, 02:08 PM Post #7 |
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Enjoying your story, Megan, and hope you will post on the fan fic site. As you add chapters, I think it will be easier for your readers to follow without the interruption of (well-deserved and excellent) reviews on this thread
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| Megan | Mar 13 2012, 06:53 AM Post #8 |
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Thank you again - have just posted the prologue on ff.net - added the link in the original post. Hope it's still ok to add chapters in this thread too :-) |
Susanne![]() Avatar / Banner courtesy of Kazza | |
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| Cythy | Mar 13 2012, 11:32 AM Post #9 |
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@Megan - of course you can add chapters to this thread as well. It will be nice...especially when ff.net has its issues with posting new chapters. |
![]() Catch you on the flip side Check me out: ff.net ; livejournal | |
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| Hawley | Mar 13 2012, 04:45 PM Post #10 |
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...plus you'll get readers (existing & new) from posting both here & there!
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| Megan | Mar 14 2012, 01:13 PM Post #11 |
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Good to know - I was just overthere and wow I'm floored by all the reviews and faves I've already gotten. I am in the midst of putting the last touches on the next installment, so shouldn't take too long now ;-) |
Susanne![]() Avatar / Banner courtesy of Kazza | |
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| Megan | Mar 14 2012, 08:52 PM Post #12 |
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A/N: Thanks for all the kinds words - the muses are working, and this installment actually became a lot longer than originally intended, but I'm very happy with it. Can't wait to hear what you think ... feedback is Chapter 1 – Angel The bedroom was completely darkened when Sam opened his eyes several hours later. He turned his head to find Andy’s sleeping form next to him – her left arm draped across his chest. Sam took Andy’s left hand in his before turning his head towards the only light in the room, which was radiating from the alarm clock on the bedside table, which illuminated the framed photograph next to it. There were 4 people in the photograph; Sam, Andy, Oliver and Traci. They all had their sides turned towards the camera; Sam had his arms wrapped securely around Andy’s waist from behind – both of them wearing huge grins on their faces. Oliver stood next to Sam serving as the best man, while Traci stood next to Andy serving as her maid of honor. Sam could still remember how enthralled he’d been, as Andy had walked towards him in the church. She’d been a vision wearing a white, strapless, layered gown embroidered with small rhinestones on the top, while the gown from the waist down was layered in 3 giving it a simplistic, yet gorgeous look. Andy had chosen to wear her hair up in a classic hairdo; the veil had been attached underneath the hairdo reaching Andy’s waist. It had been a perfect day. Tommy had given his daughter away to the man she loved, Oliver had as only Oliver could pretended not to have had the rings until Sam had given him the look – which had prompted Oliver to utter the words “I’ve always got your back brother” before handing Andy’s wedding band over to the groom. Sam and Andy had decided on simple wedding bands; silver rings – the only differences between the rings were that Sam’s wedding band was wider than Andy’s, and true to form Andy’s wedding band had 3 small diamonds matching it up with Andy’s engagement ring that was a silver ring with a square cut diamond. Those very rings were now in Sam’s grasp, as he ran his thumb over Andy’s ring finger in a soothing motion, as the heartbreaking moments of the past week ran through his mind. Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay “One last thing coppers of 15!” Frank Best exclaimed before ending the parade, while looking with a smile to where Sam and Andy were sitting. “There’s money in the budget for the new equalizers?!” Noelle exclaimed having grown tired of the old squad cars her and her colleagues were driving around in. “No.” Frank smiled to his wife. “Figures…” Noelle grumbled with a sigh. “I hear congratulations are in order for Swarek and Swarek.” Frank smiled at the nickname Sam and Andy had been given despite the fact that Andy still used her maiden name to avoid any confusion. “Pray tell…” Oliver whistled looking to his best friend, who looked to Andy knowing she wanted to be the one to break the news to their friends and colleagues. “We’re gonna have a baby…” Andy beamed, as the entire room stood up and applauded, while Sam kissed Andy on the lips before Oliver pulled him into a hug clasping him on the back, and Traci and the rest of the rookies hugged Andy. Frank cleared his throat, as everyone’s eyes came to rest on their staff sergeant. “Due to this McNally will be on desk duty for the remainder of her pregnancy. So…protect, serve and congratulations.” Frank smiled before hugging Andy, and shaking Sam’s hand. There's always some reason To feel not good enough And it's hard, at the end of the day “You happy?” Sam asked, as he and Andy stood in the gunroom, as he was gearing up for a shift riding with Dov. “Oh I’m ecstatic…6 months on desk duty with no company, but Collins, who’s on probation – it’ll be terrific!” Andy sarcastically replied with a smile. “Hey…I’m gonna be stuck in a squad car with Epstein for the day…” Sam smiled back; as he holstered the gun he’d just cleared before placing his hands on each side of Andy’s face. “…now this is the moment where you tell me how gorgeous, generous and completely awesome I am for doing this…” Andy grinned tucking her lower lip in-between her teeth. “…you are that…awesome…” Sam huskily replied before capturing Andy’s lips with his own. Andy wrapped her arms around his neck, as the kiss intensified, and Sam’s arms wrapped themselves around her waist bringing her torso towards his closing the space between them. “…yo Swarek!” Dov Epstein exclaimed from the doorway of the gunroom forcing Sam and Andy to disentangle their lips with a heavy sigh. “Yo?!” Andy questioned Dov’ sudden change in lingo. “I’ll be right there Epstein!” Sam shot back not having released his grip on Andy yet. “All righty…” Dov sang, as he strolled out to the squad car. “He’ll be the death of me…” Sam rolled his eyes eliciting a giggle from Andy. “…hey…be safe.” Andy replied, as Sam turned for the doorway. “You too…both of you…” Sam blinked at Andy before heading in Epstein’s direction. I need some distraction Oh, beautiful release Memories seep from my veins “I’m really happy for you guys by the way.” Collins replied, as he and Andy were working together in the booking area. “Thanks…” Andy replied surprised that Collins even cared about the news. He’d been anything but nice ever since he had been put on probation for conduct unbecoming for an officer. “Oh great! Dumb and dumber!” Eric Wiest scoffed, as he was escorted into the barn to be booked, and found Collins and McNally behind the desk. “Watch it!” Oliver slapped Wiest on the head. “Name?” Collins barked at the detainee, as Nash was gathering his personal effects into an evidence bag. “Hugh Hefner!” Wiest barked back. “This delightful creature is one Eric Wiest, 35 years of age and is being brought in on account of multiple complaints from patrons at the local dive down at Hampton Avenue.” Oliver replied. “The Notorious’ Eric Wiest?” Collins questioned having recognized the name as being associated with one of Toronto’s main motorcycle gangs. “The one and only!” Traci exclaimed handing the evidence bag over to Andy. “Shaw! Nash! You got a minute?!” Best exclaimed from the doorway. “We’ve got it!” Collins jumped at the chance to prove his worth, while still on probation. “All right.” Shaw nodded his head, as Collins took over holding Wiest, while Andy walked to the monitor situated next to the cage to open up the holding cell. “You know…you’re one fine looking lady…McNally. How about you join me in there?” Wiest rudely replied eyeing Andy’s nametag. “Watch it jerk!” Collins warned pushing him towards the cell unlocking the cuffs, as they went which would prove to be the biggest mistake he’d ever make. Let me be empty Oh, and weightless And maybe I'll find some peace tonight “What the hell was that?!” Oliver exclaimed, as they heard loud noises coming from the booking area and all three; Best, Nash and he ran for where they’d last left Collins, McNally and Wiest. “Don’t move a freakin’ muscle!” Collins ordered Wiest, as he had one knee placed on top of Wiest’s rear, while handcuffing him. “ANDY!” Traci exclaimed running to her best friend, who was lying on her side clutching her stomach in pain. “McNally!” Oliver exclaimed, as he joined Traci at Andy’s side, while Frank assisted Collins in hauling Wiest off to the holding cells area. “This was not my fault! You hear me copper?! This was on you! You!” Wiest yelled at Collins, as he and Frank locked him into a holding cell before Frank turned angry eyes on his officer. “What the hell happened Collins?!” Frank exclaimed, as he turned his head to witness Oliver requesting 911 over his radio, and Traci trying to calm her best friend down. “Sir…” Collins began his voice quivering. “…don’t speak! Get your ass into my office, and wait there!” Frank ordered, as he watched Collins give Andy an apologetic glance before rushing from the scene. “Something’s wrong Trace…it hurts so bad…” Andy cried, as the cramping’s had worsened within the past 5 minutes. “…I know sweetie, I know. Just try and breathe okay?” Traci rubbed Andy’s back trying to give her some relief, but knew that nothing she would do could take away the pain. Not only the excruciating pain Andy was in now, but also the emotional pain that would undoubtedly come. In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here “It’s through here!” Oliver exclaimed, as he brought two paramedics through the halls of the barn before they reached the spot where Andy was lying. “What do we have?” One of the paramedics asked, as the other began to attend to Andy, while Traci moved out of the way. “Andy Swarek, 32 years old, pregnant, took a fall when assisting a colleague.” Oliver replied looking worriedly at the woman he’d come to consider family over the past couple of years. “How far along is she?” The paramedic asked looking at Traci. “13 weeks.” Traci replied, as she like Oliver watched, as the other paramedic began examining Andy. “Have you gotten in touch with Sam yet?” Traci asked turning to Oliver. “Crap! What the hell do I tell him?!” Oliver exclaimed, as he took out his cell. “Is that her husband?” One of the paramedics asked after having placed Andy on the gurney, who was clutching the pillow her head was resting on in a death grip, while the other was wrapped around her stomach as if that could prevent what was happening from happening. “Yeah…” Oliver nodded his head, as he’d hit speed dial # 2 on his cell. “…tell him to meet us at Memorial – we need to go now!” The paramedic exclaimed, as they rolled Andy out towards the ambulance. “I’m going with!” Traci exclaimed owning her a nod from Frank before following the paramedics and Andy out, while Oliver got Sam on his cell. “Brother…” Oliver started, but was cut off by Sam immediately. “…where did we dig up Epstein huh? I mean the guy is a complete…” “…Sam!” Oliver yelled into the cell. “What’s wrong? Is it…? Where is she?” Sam instantly knew something had happened, and his gut was telling him it wasn’t something good. What had he always been telling Andy? “That feeling in your gut…you gotta learn to listen to it. It’s telling you what you need to do. You gotta learn to trust it.” “En route to Memorial. Nash is with her.” Oliver replied before Sam ended the call knowing that for once he’d wish he didn’t have to listen to his gut because what it was telling him was tearing him apart. So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back The storm keeps on twisting Keep on building the lies That you make up for all that you lack “Where is she?” Sam asked, as he and Dov met Traci and Oliver in the waiting room of Memorial’s Obstetrics department. “The OR.” Oliver replied with a troubled look in his eyes. “The OR?” Sam repeated Oliver’s previous words with disdain in his voice. “Sam I’m so sorry.” Traci’s misty eyes told the truth, as she wrapped Sam in a hug wishing she could take away the pain he was feeling. “Mr. Swarek?” Everyone turned around at the sound of a new voice in their midst. “Yeah!” Sam turned away from Traci and locked eyes with the doctor. “I’m Dr. Kwan, and I’ve been tending to your wife.” The doctor explained, as Sam crossed his arms readying himself for the inevitable news. “How is she?” Sam asked, as Oliver, Traci and Dov walked closer to where Sam and Dr. Kwan were standing. “She’s hemorrhaged badly, but she’s young, she’s strong, and she should stabilize.” Dr. Kwan explained tip-toeing around the subject of the baby even though Sam already knew in his heart that the baby he and Andy had been so enthralled with was gone. “And the baby?” Sam asked the dreaded question knowing that he wouldn’t believe it if he didn’t hear it out of the doctor’s mouth. “I’m very sorry Mr. Swarek, but your wife has suffered a miscarriage. The trauma was too massive for the baby to survive. You have my deepest condolences.” Dr. Kwan answered, as Sam walked away from him running his fingers through his hair before ending up in front of a wall carrying a poster of a mother holding a newborn baby – where the text read; “it could happen to you.” “But Andy will be okay?” Traci asked, as Oliver walked in Sam’s direction. “Yes she will. She’s being brought up in couple of minutes. If you have any further questions please don’t hesitate to ask the duty nurse.” Dr. Kwan explained before walking away. “Thank you doctor.” Traci replied, as she could feel a hand grasping her shoulder, and turned her head to look at Dov’s empathic face. It don't make no difference Escape one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness Oh, this glorious sadness That brings me to my knees “Why?” Sam almost whispered, but Oliver caught it nonetheless, as they were sitting in a couple of chairs outside Andy’s room an hour later. “Brother don’t go there all right? You’ll make yourself crazy trying to come up with reasons as to why this happened?” Oliver replied knowing exactly where his friend was headed with that comment; Guiltville. “I know one of them…Collins!” Sam exclaimed pushing himself out of the chair, and walking to look at Andy through the window from the hallway. She looked so pale compared to the sterile environment she had been placed in. She was hooked up to several machines monitoring her breathing, heartbeat, blood pressure and oxygen level. The constant beeping from the monitors had driven Sam crazy so he’d ended up standing on the opposite side of the glass watching the woman he loved being slowly brought back to the life of the living. The only difference was that now she didn’t have a tiny life inside of her; her once pregnant belly was empty, and he wondered if it’d ever be filled again with a tiny life. “Collins should be the least of your worries right now. The only person you should concentrate on right now is the woman you love, and who’ll need you more than ever in the coming months. You hear me?” Oliver replied standing next to Sam placing a hand on his shoulder making his friend look at him. “Thanks brother!” Sam grabbed onto Oliver, as he pulled him into a tight hug clasping him on the back. “Don’t mention it.” Oliver replied, as he watched Sam walk into the sterile room, grabbing a nearby chair before sitting down by Andy’s bedside. Sam took a deep breath before placing his hands on top of Andy’s which rested on her stomach that still bore signs that a baby had been there for some time. “We’re gonna be okay Andy, I swear to you. We’ll get through this, and we’ll try again. I’m not losing you now, not now.” Sam promised placing Andy’s right hand in the palm of his bringing it to his lips sealing his promise with a kiss before waiting for his purpose in life to wake up from her slumber. In the arms of the angel Fly away from here From this dark, cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fear You are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverie You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here “Hey there sleepyhead…” Sam tilted his head sideways, as Andy’s eyes fluttered open a couple of hours later. “…hey…” Andy replied groggily getting acquainted with the bright room. “…how you feeling?” Sam asked taking a seat on the edge of the bed holding Andy’s hands in his readying himself for the terrifying truth he was about to tell her. He had to be the one to tell her. She was his wife, his responsibility, his life. “Groggy…” Andy replied releasing a heavy sigh looking around the room they were in before attempting to sit up straight, but wincing instead before laying back down again. “…easy…” Sam placed his hands on Andy’s arms not wanting her to cause herself any more pain. “…God…” Andy squeezed her eyes tight caught off guard by the sudden pain in her abdomen. “…I’m getting a doctor for you.” Sam replied, but was held back on the bed by Andy’s sudden strong hold on his wrist. “I’m fine, please Sam, don’t leave me.” Andy begged sitting straight up in bed despite the pain. “I’m not going anywhere all right? I’m right here…” Sam replied kissing her on the forehead before helping Andy to lie back down. “…tell me…” Andy requested, as Sam tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “…what do you mean?” Sam asked confused. “I won’t believe it unless I hear it from you. Please Sam.” Andy begged tears running down her cheeks. “Andy…” Sam’s voice wobbled not being able to find the words he needed to find. “…tell me! Tell me our baby’s dead! Tell me!” Andy screamed punctuating each sentence with a strong pounce into Sam’s chest using both her fisted hands. Sam wrapped his arms around Andy’s back, and in a swift motion brought her into his embrace cradling her head in his hands, as Andy’s hands grabbed fistful’s of Sam’s black shirt as he uttered the most heartbreaking words ever to cross his lips “Our baby’s gone.” You're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort here "Angel", music by Sarah McLachlan Edited by Megan, Mar 14 2012, 08:52 PM.
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| Cythy | Mar 14 2012, 09:07 PM Post #13 |
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Wow! Tears are falling...this was an incredibly emotional chapter and you did a great job with it. |
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| vixenali | Mar 14 2012, 09:57 PM Post #14 |
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Wow, very emotional! I really like this Megan. I really empathize with Sam and Andy. I like how you used 'Angel' in chapter 1. |
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| Sophie | Mar 15 2012, 02:11 PM Post #15 |
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Emotional but sweet! I hope Andy and Sam get better! |
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| Megan | Mar 15 2012, 03:57 PM Post #16 |
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@ melissaRBfan they will get better, but it'll take some time. So stay tuned :) |
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| Megan | Mar 15 2012, 07:36 PM Post #17 |
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A/N: Get ready for an angst-filled installment. Hopefully you'll see me being true to the characters of Sam and Andy or I hope so. As always feedback is Chapter 2 – Misunderstandings A week had passed, and nothing was as it should be. Sam and Andy weren’t growing closer – they were growing apart. Andy had a follow-up appointment at Memorial that day, and they’d decided to go together. Andy had cried countless tears over the past week, and had let Sam comfort her, but whenever she urged him to talk about what he was feeling he closed off. As if his feelings didn’t matter. Andy knew Sam better than most, and knew that if he didn’t stop keeping everything locked inside, and letting it fester and fester – it would blow up. “Sam…?” Andy reached her arm out expecting to find her husband’s warm body, but only found an empty space vacated by him. Andy sat up in bed drowsily reaching out for her white kimono draping it over the white laced nightgown she was wearing. She made her way to the doorway of what would’ve been their baby’s nursery, and found him by the window his arms grabbing the frame of the window in a massive grip, his body still shaking from the sobs Andy could only guess had escaped his throat, while she’d been sleeping. The wooden floor outside the room squeaked, as Andy shifted her weight, and alerted Sam to her presence. He hastily dried his eyes with the back of his hand before turning to face her. “Hey…you’re up…” Sam sniffed before walking towards her. “…Sam…” Andy started, but was cut off by Sam saying, as he passed her in the doorway “…I’ll get the coffee started.” “Sam!” Andy exclaimed, but he was already halfway down the stairs, and onto his next stop in dodging her questions. *** “Mommy?” Leo asked, as Traci was buckling him in the backseat of her car. “Yeah, baby…?” Traci replied squatting down to the same height as her son. “Will Sam and Andy come to my birthday?” The soon-to-be 10 year-old asked. “They got an invitation.” Traci replied trying to dodge her son’s questions. How did you explain the harsh realities to a little boy, who only knew he missed his aunt terribly? “But will they come?” Leo pressed. “I don’t know baby, we’ll see all right?” “Andy’s never missed one of my birthdays before. She’s on all my nine photos mommy, and she has to be in the next one too, she has to.” Leo continued making Traci remember almost 10 years back when the idea of a photo for each birthday had arisen. “That son of a bitch!” Traci exclaimed slamming the phone down on the receiver. “Easy now momma bear.” Andy replied walking into the kitchen carrying a one-year-old Leo in her arms. “Hey baby…” Traci cooed receiving Leo from Andy, as she sat down with Leo in her lap, while Andy put the finishing touches on the birthday cake. “…what’s going on?” Andy asked, as she could tell Traci needed to get something off her chest – a something that undoubtedly had to do with Leo’s absent father figure. “D-A-D-D-Y has a hot date today of all days…” Traci swore under her breath. “…on a Monday afternoon?” Andy asked confused. “Apparently he’ll stop at nothing to avoid some responsibilities.” Traci replied with a sigh, as she and Leo stood behind Andy eying her handiwork. The chocolate cake was in two layers with blue frosting and the birthday boy’s name was spelled out in bold letters with white frosting. To finish the work of art off Andy had placed a yellow birthday candle in the center of the cake. “What do you think?” Andy asked taking Leo from Traci, as they surveyed the cake. “Not too shabby auntie Andy.” Traci teased, as she put the cake in the fridge. “You think I’ll ever be making one of those for a kid of my own?” Andy sighed lifting Leo up in the air eliciting a giggle from the little boy. “Of course you will. Just look at how crazy Leo is about you – but just a piece of friendly advice…make sure the F-A-T-H-E-R isn’t a complete douche.” Traci replied taking Leo from Andy again. “You know what?” Andy suddenly asked. “What?” Traci asked with a sigh, as they walked into the living room, while Andy grabbed something from her purse. “We’re gonna begin a tradition starting today!” Andy exclaimed holding a camera in her hands. “What are you talking about?” Traci asked, as she sat down on the couch with Leo on her lap. “Screw D-E-X…if he doesn’t want to be here he can just stay away. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t enjoy the day. So…let’s make it memorable.” Andy replied pointing to the camera. “A photo for each birthday?” Traci asked loving the idea. “A photo for each birthday.” Andy confirmed setting up the camera with an automatic trigger so it could take a photo of all three of them simultaneously. “This is gonna be great…” Traci beamed, as she wrapped an arm around Andy’s shoulder, and Andy did the same, while Leo sat with a leg on each woman’s lap giggling aloud. “C-H-E-E-S-E!” “I’ll ask her all right?” Traci smiled before closing the car door wondering if the last photo for each birthday had been taken a year ago. *** The drive to Memorial had been quiet. Too quiet. Andy hated quiet, but even more so she hated when Sam kept something from her, and she knew that somewhere he thought it was for the best to keep mum, but he was so wrong because at one point he’d snap from the pressure of keeping all that bottled up, and she knew it was only a matter of time. “Mrs. Swarek if you’ll take a seat the doctor will be right out.” The duty nurse explained with a smile, as Sam and Andy took a seat in the empty waiting room. “Hey…it’ll be fine…” Sam replied placing his hand on top of Andy’s, which she had been drumming on the arm rest of the chair in anxiety. “…fine?” Andy questioned feeling the anger fill her stomach. Sam talking about things being fine when he wouldn’t even talk to her about what he was feeling. “Look I know I haven’t been Mr. Share lately, but I just can’t do it. I can’t sit around discussing my feelings about what happened.” “Why not? It might help.” Andy replied turning around in her seat. “It won’t.” Sam insisted eliciting a sigh from Andy. “Is this about Sarah?” Andy asked, and knew when looking at Sam that she’d hit pay dirt. This was about his sister, and what had happened to her years ago, and how Sam had chosen to deal with it. “What happened to Sarah has nothing…” Sam tried to deny it, but he’d forgotten how well Andy knew him. Plus he didn’t know that Sarah had confided in Andy about that time too with information Sam had never told her about. “…it has everything to do with this. Sarah went through an unspeakable trauma, and you watched her muddle through it. Just like you’re watching me muddle through this. But unlike what happened to Sarah, which physically and emotionally hit her the most, what happened to us happened to both of us. And if you don’t deal with it…” “…Andy please…” Sam urged her to stop before he’d say something he couldn’t take back. “…you need to talk about it Sam – if not with me, then with someone else. Oliver, Jerry or even Frank. But you need to let it out.” “Enough all right!” Sam hissed out through his teeth before getting up, and walking out of the waiting room. “…Sam…? Where are you going? Sam?!” Andy stood up frozen to the spot cursing herself for having pushed him too far, too soon. *** “Sam?” A familiar voice asked. “Monica? Hey…what are you…? Wauw…!” Sam exclaimed, as he noticed Monica’s pregnant belly. “…wauw is right.” Monica smiled rubbing her pregnant belly; an act many mothers-to-be did unconsciously even Andy had done it no more than a couple of weeks ago Sam remembered. “You look great.” Sam replied not really knowing how he was supposed to act with his ex having what he’d just lost. “Thanks. I’ve been meaning to call you. I heard about what happened to Andy, and I wanted to express my deepest condolences.” Monica emphatically replied. “Thanks.” Sam nodded his head. “How are you guys doing?” Monica asked. “We’re pushing through it.” Sam nonchalantly replied, as if Monica had just asked him to repair a broken pipe in her kitchen. “And you? Burying yourself in your work per usual, and shutting Andy out?” Monica asked knowing Sam pretty well after having dated the man for a year. “Pretty much.” Sam replied, as he and Monica walked to a couple of chairs to sit down. *** “Everything looks good…” The young doctor replied surveying Andy’s test results. “There’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one…” Andy replied sarcastically. “…sorry. I didn’t mean…It’s just…” The doctor immediately began to apologize eliciting a smile from Andy despite the circumstances. “…breathe…” Andy replied. “…let’s start over shall we?” The doctor suggested with a smile. *** “So you’ve told Andy absolutely nothing about this? Sam God dammit!” Monica swore under her breath. “Calm down…she pretty much guessed it all before I bolted from the waiting room.” Sam replied hating himself for having left Andy alone for her first doctor appointment since the miscarriage. “You’re a piece of work you know that?” Monica replied. “Thanks Monica…” Sam sarcastically replied. “Will you promise me to go to Andy, and talk this through? And you better pray she takes you back for being such an ass.” Monica replied, as they stood up. “Aye-aye!” Sam sarcastically saluted Monica, as she got a mesmerized look in her eyes. “Oh my God…” Monica breathed. “What is it?” Sam worried. “The baby. I think she’s kicking, you wanna feel it?” Monica grinned, as she took Sam’s right hand in hers, and placed it on her pregnant belly. “Wauw…” Sam grinned, as he felt a swift kick against his hand. They were both so absorbed in the moment that they didn’t notice Andy standing six feet away witnessing the scene before her. “You feel that?” Monica grinned. “…you have a future footballer in there Mon…” Sam replied not being able to tear his eyes away from Monica’s pregnant belly. “I know right…” Monica’s voice echoed in Andy’s head, as she backed away from the scene, and rounded the corner grabbing onto the wall steadying herself for the emotional backlash she was feeling. If their baby had survived Sam would soon have been feeling him or her kick. But instead he felt Monica’s baby kick. Monica. She wasn’t jealous – Andy was sure of that. Not of Sam’s past with Monica, but maybe she was jealous of what Monica got to have, and Andy didn’t. “Hey…you all right?” A familiar voice asked, as Andy dried away the tears she didn’t even know had spilled. “Luke…?” Andy replied confused. “Yeah…sorry if I startled you, but I just finished up an interview upstairs, and I saw you standing here and…” Luke tried to explain, as Andy tried to gather her senses. “…will you take me home?” Andy turned her sad eyes on her ex. “Sure. Come on.” Luke nodded his head placing his left arm around Andy’s back, as they made their way towards the elevator. *** “Excuse me?” Sam asked having returned to the waiting room after having said goodbye to Monica. “Yes?” The duty nurse from before asked. “I don’t know if you remember me from before…I was here with my wife Andy…” “…oh yes Mrs. Swarek. I believe she already left.” The duty nurse replied. “Oh I see…how long ago was that?” Sam asked checking his cell just in case she’d texted him, but why would she? After all he’d left her behind. “About 20 minutes ago or so, but I believe she got a ride.” The duty nurse replied. “A ride? With who?” Sam asked his concern spiking immediately. He’d failed her again. “A tall guy, blue eyes, blonde hair, wore a suit.” The duty nurse replied describing Luke Callahan to a tee. “Son of a bitch!” Sam exclaimed before clasping his phone shut. *** “Feel better?” Luke asked handing Andy a mug of tea before sitting down opposite her in the kitchen. “Not really…” Andy sighed cradling the mug between her hands. “You wanna tell me what’s got you this upset?” Luke asked. “…you think that’s wise?” Andy asked only focused on the hot liquid in front of her refusing to look into Luke’s eyes. “Hey...I know we’re not exactly on each other’s buddy lists’, but I like to consider myself a good listener, so if you need an available ear – I’ve got two of them.” Luke smiled, as Andy looked at him. “I just…I feel like such a failure.” Andy confessed. “Why?” Luke asked not knowing where in the world a thought like that would come from. “I lost our baby, and today I saw Sam feeling Monica’s baby kick, and it just hit me all of the sudden.” “What did?” “The fact that nothing I do ever turns out right.” “Andy come on.” “Luke its true – take the two of us for instance. I hid my true feelings for Sam the entire time we were together, then I almost get Sam killed when I decide to act on those feelings, and now I’ve failed as a wife and a mother…a mother what a joke.” Andy scoffed moving to the window by the sink looking out to where kids were playing in the nearby park. “Hey…listen to me all right…” Luke replied turning Andy around making her look him in the eyes by holding her face in his hands – an act he’d done many times in their relationship several years ago. “…Luke…” Andy tried to object, but stopped when Luke continued. “…what happened between the two of us was as much my fault as it was yours Andy. Do you know how long it’s taken me to realize that? And your feelings for Sam? Well you’re still together aren’t you? And as far as the whole Brennan fiasco goes – then that was as much on Boyd as it was on you and Sam.” “Thanks…” Andy smiled solemnly. “…am I interrupting anything?” Sam’s voice cut through the nice moment Luke and Andy were having like a razor making them both turn around in surprise. “Sam…”Andy began, but Sam ignored her protests. “…my wife, my house, my responsibilities. So tell me Homicide what the hell are you doing here?!” Sam exclaimed tossing his keys on the nearby table, as he made his way to where Luke and Andy were standing. “That’s between Andy and me.” Luke replied coldly still having clear animosity towards Sam due to their past. “Really?” Sam coldly laughed; a laugh that didn’t reach his eyes, and a laugh that Andy had only heard when he interrogated the bottom of the food chain. “Enough!” Andy exclaimed moving to stand between the two men; the palm of her hands placed on both their chests. “Andy…” Luke started, but Andy had grown tired of their testosterone antics – remembering only too well how Sam had beaten the crap out of Luke at the off-duty retraining for senior officers a couple of years ago. “…Luke thanks for taking me home, but I think you should leave.” Andy replied looking at Luke. “Are you sure?” Luke asked concerned. “Yeah, she’s sure Homicide.” Sam added, as Luke began to walk towards the front door, but turned around looking at Sam. “Luke please.” Andy replied not feeling up for another round between him and Sam, as she’d followed Luke to the front door. “Oh and Swarek…make sure to stick around this time huh?” Luke spat needing to get one up on Sam despite the fact that he hated himself for using Andy’s miscarriage like that especially considering the look Andy shot him. “At least I’m faithful when I put a ring on a woman’s finger Homicide.” Sam shot back. “You just concentrate on protecting her, that’s where you seem to be lacking Swarek.” Luke argued before Andy shut the door closed behind him. “What the hell were you two doing?!” Sam immediately faulted Andy. “Nothing.” Andy replied picking up her now cold mug of tea, and walking to the sink to pour it down the drain. “Nothing?” Sam repeated with disdain in his voice. “Fine! You want to know what we talked about?! My guilt! My guilt at not cutting it as a girlfriend, as a wife and here’s the running joke; as a mother!” “Andy…” Sam started towards her, but was cut off by Andy’s voice, as she walked past him, and placed her hands on the railing leading upstairs. “…just leave me alone Sam!” Andy angrily cried, as she ran upstairs, while Sam stood frozen to the spot wondering how it had all gone so wrong. |
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| Cythy | Mar 15 2012, 09:29 PM Post #18 |
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They both need to sit down and really talk this out. Unfortunately, situations like this happen all the time and it is heartbreaking when a couple can't work things out after a tragedy like this. Great update and I love how quickly you are updating |
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| Megan | Mar 16 2012, 09:45 PM Post #19 |
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Well the muses are working on this story what can I say? It seems my mind is always reeling on what comes next, and then it's just a question on getting it down on paper. Really happy you're enjoying the story
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| Megan | Mar 17 2012, 04:51 PM Post #20 |
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A/N: This installment was a hard one. I had a pretty good idea of how I wanted it to end, but didn't exactly know what I was going for to have them end up where I'm ending this installment. Hopefully that makes sense I just want to take the time, and thank you all for your wonderful feedback - it means a lot. And as always feedback is Chapter 3 - Wait “Easy!” Traci exclaimed, as she met Andy by the back entrance to the barn in the parking lot unable to open the door with her key card due to the fact that she slid the card through the slot too fast. “Hey…” Andy replied stepping back, and allowing Traci to slide her card through – getting it right in the first try. “…so I suppose I don’t need to ask how things are with Sam?” Traci asked, as they made their way to the locker room. “…then don’t all right!” Andy snapped, and regretted it immediately. “Ooh - someone’s in a foul mood.” Gail quipped joining Andy and Traci outside the locker room. “Bite me!” Andy shot back, as Gail entered the locker room, while she and Traci stood on the outside. “What’s going on with you?” Traci asked. “I’m sorry all right? I just…” Andy started, but stopped when a group of female coworkers interrupted them entering the locker room throwing an emphatic smile in Andy’s direction. “…you just what?” Traci asked when they were alone again. “…last night was terrible all right? We had a fight.” Andy replied needing to talk to someone. “So…you had a fight. It’s not the end of the world. Find Sam, and talk to him. You need to work this out before either of you put up any more walls it’ll take a dozen bulldozers to tear down.” “I’m not sure there are enough bulldozers in the world to tear down what’s wrong…” Andy sighed, as she and Traci entered the locker room. *** “Brother! Zoe and the girls send their love.” Oliver exclaimed grasping Sam’s hand, as the two best friends hugged clasping each other on the back. “Thanks. I’ve been meaning to call and thank you guys for the food and flowers.” Sam thanked his friend knowing that Zoe had probably orchestrated the whole thing. “Don’t mention it…how are things?” Oliver asked, as they started to suit up for an 8-hour shift. “Things are…you know…” Sam shrugged alerting Oliver to the fact that something was way off. “…no I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you Dimples.” Oliver sarcastically replied, as he turned to look at Sam. “…I don’t know…it just seems like Andy’s standing on one side of the lake, and I’m on the other, and no matter how much we try and cross that God damn lake we can’t.” Sam sighed finishing up buttoning his shirt. “Have you tried talking to her?” Oliver asked. “Of course…you know…” Sam dodged Oliver’s steel glance. “…oh so you’ve been letting Andy do the talking, and you haven’t told her a God damn thing about how you feel about the miscarriage? I know the feeling brother…” Oliver surprisingly replied making Sam raise an eyebrow at his friend. “You’ve never mentioned that before.” “Not exactly something you discuss over dim sum in the cruiser brother. Zoe had a miscarriage several years ago – before we were even married. Almost tore us apart. But it didn’t, and you wanna know why?” Oliver divulged shutting his locker. “Why?” Sam asked mimicking Oliver’s action. “Because I chose to put a stop to my constant need to be the man; you know the testosterone driven man in a relationship, who’s constantly on edge, afraid…” “…I am not afraid!” Sam insisted, but Oliver chose to overhear him, and continued “…of course you’re afraid…we all are. Listen…I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and one of the more pivotal ones happened when Zoe miscarried because I thought like the idiot I was that what happened, happened to her, and it didn’t matter what I was feeling. But it did matter, and it does. Because us guys, we may not carry the babies, but we’re in it, we’re in it brother, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you’ll be able to cross that lake, and meet Andy in the middle.” Oliver could tell he’d hit pay dirt because instead of making up a lot of excuses Sam was actually listening to him. “Who knew a woman like Zoe could stand a thick-skull like you for so long?” Sam quipped needing to lighten the mood. “Don’t I know it brother, and look at us now…we’ve been married for 17 years now, and been together for a hell of a lot longer. All I’m saying is…don’t chuck it all away because you guys are on opposite sides. You’ll get there brother!” Oliver replied clasping Sam on the back before they made their way to parade. *** “All right…the she-devil has left the room – now what happened yesterday? Did the doctor’s appointment go badly?” Traci asked knowing Andy had had a follow-up appointment at Memorial the day before. “The doctor’s appointment went fine. He said there’d be no problem in us trying again when we were ready.” Andy explained attaching her nametag to her Kevlar. “That’s great news.” Traci smiled having feared that the miscarriage would’ve done irreversible damage. “Yeah, yeah it is.” Andy sighed arranging her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. “Then that can’t be what caused you guys to fight.” Traci reasoned looking intently at her best friend. “It wasn’t – as a matter of fact Sam doesn’t even know about it.” Andy explained touching a picture attached to her locker of her and Sam. They were sitting on the couch at home, their faces close together, grinning dimples in place. “He doesn’t know?” Traci asked arching an eyebrow. “He didn’t really give me a chance to tell him before he went off on Luke.” Andy replied. “Luke? How does Luke fit into all this?” Traci wondered. “All right…” Andy sighed closing her locker shut before turning to her best friend to tell her exactly what had happened the previous day. *** “It’ll be okay.” Traci patted Andy’s back, as they entered the parade room, and Andy immediately noticed Sam standing with Oliver in the corner of the room. Sam had decided to take a new leap after his talk with Oliver, and gave her a smile, but was confused when she looked away the moment their eyes locked. “Coppers of 15!” Frank exclaimed bringing the attention of the room to him instead of Sam and Andy. “What’s up?” Oliver whispered at Sam having noticed the exchange of looks between him and Andy as well as the rest of the room. “Don’t know.” Sam whispered back, but knew exactly why Andy hadn’t returned his smile. Their conversation hadn’t ended in the kitchen that night – it had picked up in the nursery, and even though they’d made some headway – they’d also hit a major road block. Under a blackened sky Far beyond the glaring streetlights Sleeping on empty dreams The vultures lie in wait You lay down beside me then You were with me every waking hour So close I could feel your breath Andy stood by the window in the nursery overlooking the nearby park where she’d envisioned herself walking the stroller in 6 months’ time had she not lost their baby. How could everything change in the blink of an eye? Where was the justice in what had happened to them? She sure didn’t know, and right now she couldn’t see how they were supposed to struggle their way out of the rut they were in. “The doctor’s gave you a sedative later that night.” Sam voice spoke from the doorway of the nursery alerting Andy to his presence in the room turning her head slightly, but still facing the window. “You were distraught, couldn’t sleep, and they gave you a sedative so you could get some rest. All I remember is looking at your still form obviously in distress, but sleeping. I put my head on your…stomach…” Sam cleared his throat obviously hit emotionally with the memories of that night. “…I remember waking up the next morning; you still had your head on my stomach.” Andy spoke for the first time since Sam had joined her in the room turning around to face him. “…yeah…” Sam sighed walking into the room, and sitting down with his back against the boxes containing the crib they’d purchased online a couple of weeks earlier. “…you have been there for me through everything Sam. Something else I remember from that morning is running my fingers through your hair, and instead of opening your eyes, you just tightened your hold around me. Clutching me. I haven’t seen you that relaxed since.” Andy moved towards Sam, and sat down next to him. When all we wanted was the dream To have and to hold that precious little thing Like every generation yields The new born hope unjaded by their years Sam nodded his head – he remembered that morning very well. He’d been able to let it all go because Andy had slept through the night. He cried holding onto her for dear life until sleep had come and gotten him. Andy had been right – in the moment he’d let go of everything, and he’d been able to relax. And he hadn’t been able to do just that ever since because he’d been so focused on Andy and her needs, and forgetting his own. “I’m so sorry.” Sam softly tucked a strand of hair behind Andy’s ear, as she leaned into his touch looking down, and finding their fingers locked together – Andy’s rings almost glowing in the dark. “Me too…” Andy nodded her head closing her eyes. “…come here…” Sam fingered Andy’s chin bringing her lips to his kissing her deeply. “…Sam…” Andy whimpered against Sam’s mouth, but when he moved to disentangle their lip lock Andy grabbed a fistful of his shirt pulling him back, and joining them again. Sam smiled against her mouth, as she moved to straddle his lap, and the palm of Sam’s hand moved up her back, as the kiss intensified. “…I love you so much baby…” Sam groaned, as his kisses moved down her throat and Andy leaned her head back giving him greater access to her pleasure points. “…I love you too…” Andy moaned as Sam’s hands cradled her head in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes like he used to do. Sam grinned before their mouths crashed together again with an ill-advised promise to never lose each other again. The next morning Andy woke up wrapped in Sam’s safe embrace. She ran the tips of her fingers up and down his arm caressing his biceps. “This feels nice…” Sam moaned tightening his hold around her waist. “…it does, doesn’t it?” Andy smiled enjoying having Sam so close again. “…I’ve missed you…” Sam confessed kissing Andy’s hair. “…me too…” Andy agreed. “…you ready for tomorrow?” Sam asked having been worried that she wanted to start work again so soon, but also knew that staying at home for much longer would drive her insane. “…yeah I am. I’ve missed everyone. Even Gail.” Andy smiled turning around in Sam’s arms. “I’ve had a talk with Frank, and we’ve agreed on you starting off slowly with some desk duty, paperwork – the usual drill.” Sam tried to explain, but the look in Andy’s eyes told him he’d just stepped in some quicksand. “So let me get this straight…” Andy started changing her position on the floor so she was supported by her elbows creating some distance between her and Sam. “…Andy…” Sam objected, but Andy continued nonetheless. “…you went behind my back, and spoke to our staff sergeant about what type of work he should assign me to? Because I’m what…? Weak, inferior or because you see me unfit to wear my badge now?!” Andy reeled. “…that is in no way what I meant. But just being on desk duty didn’t exactly end well for you the last time now did it?” Sam hated himself for saying it, but someone had to, and he wasn’t about to lose her again. “Right…” Andy nodded her head before gathering the blanket around her, and walking out of the nursery. “…Andy. Andy. Andy!” Sam finally shouted, as he watched her retreating back heading in the direction of their bedroom. Pressed up against the glass I found myself wanting sympathy But to be consumed again Oh I know would be the death of me And there is a love that's inherently given A kind of blindness offered to appease And in that light of forbidden joy Oh I know I won't receive it “Finally I just want to take the time to say on cop level to Swarek and McNally you have our deepest condolences, and McNally we’re very happy to have you back in the fold again.” Frank said looking at Andy. “Thank you Sir.” Andy smiled politely. “So protect, serve and get back in one piece. Dismissed.” Frank ended the parade, as the officers made their way out of the room. “I guess we’ll talk later.” Traci shrugged her head watching as Oliver – her partner for the day – started to walk out of the room. “Yeah, have fun.” Andy replied sarcastically, as Traci followed in Oliver’s direction, while Andy started for the door, but was stopped by Sam’s hand on her arm. “We need to talk.” Sam replied. “Sorry. I’ve got work to do. Desk duty remember!” Andy replied sarcastically heading for the door, but Sam kept his firm grip in place on her arm, and closed the door instead. “We’re gonna talk about this!” Sam exclaimed knowing very well that if they didn’t talk about what had happened the next move Andy would make would be to do something stupid to put even more space between them. “Oh! So now you wanna talk? After having pretty much called me inept at my job!” Andy snapped. “Andy come on! All I’m saying is that desk duty is a good start after everything that’s happened.” Sam wanted Andy to see that his not wanting her to start off in a cruiser on her first day back had absolutely nothing to do with her capabilities as a cop, but more to do with the emotional havoc the miscarriage was still having on her. “If that was everything there was to it I might be inclined to believe you Sam, but there’s more to it than that, and you know it!” Andy exclaimed pointing her finger at Sam. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Sam wondered not liking where the conversation was headed. “You may not say it, but you blame me don’t you? For losing our baby.” Andy emphasized when Sam looked like he had no idea what he would blame her for. “No I don’t!” Sam insisted. When all we wanted was the dream To have and to hold that precious little thing Like every generation yields The newborn hope unjaded by their years “I really thought we made some headway last night…” Andy sadly said. “…we did.” Sam insisted. “…no we didn’t. Because if you trusted me…” Andy started, but was cut off by Sam. “…I do trust you.” “…on the job then you wouldn’t have felt the need to go behind my back, and talk to Frank.” “For heaven’s sake Andy! I did that for you. Frank and I are friends, and he’s been worried about you, we all have. You need to start trusting the people around you, who care about you, and not let garbage from the past ruin everything you’ve…we’ve built together.” “So now it’s my fault?” Andy replied walking away from Sam. “It’s not anyone’s fault, but can’t you see a pattern here?” “A pattern?” Andy questioned turning around in a swift move. “We made love last night Andy, for the first time in I don’t know how long, and we were happy. You were happy. We were together, and the minute, the minute I tell you about something I did to protect you, you bolt from the room. It seems that every time we take a step forward, we take two steps back. And I for one don’t know what more I can do to make you see how much I love you.” Sam explained framing Andy’s face with his hands. “This isn’t working. This is starting to hurt. Worse than it did before. And I don’t know how to fix it.” Andy replied placing her hands on top of Sam’s before removing them from her face. When all we wanted was the dream To have and to hold that precious little thing Like every generation yields The newborn hope unjaded by their years “So what are you saying?” Sam asked taking a step back. “What I’m saying…” Andy started, but couldn’t complete the sentence. “…say it. I’m not leaving this room until you say it. I want to hear the words come out of your mouth. I want you to look me in the eyes, and tell me you don’t want me in your life anymore.” Sam felt his eyes growing cloudy, and his throat choking up. “Of course I want you in my life Sam. I love you. But I need…I need some time and space to figure out what to do next.” Andy’s heart was being ripped to shreds by seeing the man she loved more than anything else thinking she didn’t love him anymore. “Time and space?” Sam nodded his head in disbelief. “I don’t like space because space doesn’t involve me doing something. You know it’s kinda like time. Time doesn’t work for me either.” “All right time and space – two things that don’t work for you” “Pretty much.” You know if I leave you now It doesn't mean that I love you any less It's just the state I'm in I can't be good to anyone else like this “Something is broken inside of me Sam. I thought it was you, but maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the problem here. I can’t watch expectant mothers, babies, children or anything without my own miscarriage playing in a loop in my mind. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it, nothing. I can’t take the pain anymore, I just can’t do it.” Tears cascaded down Andy’s cheeks, but she didn’t care. “Hey, hey, hey…come here…” Sam pulled Andy into a hug, and she let herself be pulled into his embrace wanting to get lost in him. But that was part of the problem. He couldn’t fix her, she needed to fix herself, and no matter how much it hurt she had to let him go – in order to fix herself. “…Sam I can’t…” Andy pulled herself out of their embrace hating herself when seeing the hurt look on his face. “…Andy…” Sam started towards her, but she turned on her heel, and opened the door looking back at him. “…I love you so much.” Andy simply replied before leaving him behind. When all we wanted was the dream To have and to hold that precious little thing Like every generation yields The new born hope unjaded by their years ”What do you mean she was gone?” Jerry asked Traci after having put Leo to bed. “Just what I said. I came back with Oliver this afternoon, and she was gone.” Traci replied worried. “What a mess.” Jerry rubbed his face, as there was a knock on the door. Traci immediately ran for the door hoping she’d find Andy standing on the other side of the door. “Trace?” A soaked Andy stammered. “Honey…come here…it’ll be all right…” Traci consoled, as she received a blanket from Jerry, and wrapped Andy in it. “I’ll go make up the spare room.” Jerry announced excusing himself, as Traci led Andy into the living room settling her on the couch. “What happened?” Traci asked wondering what had happened between Sam and Andy to make her walk around in the rain. “I’ve done it for good this time Trace. I’ve lost him.” Andy cried, as Traci gathered her in her arms rubbing her back in soothing circles. Andy’s cell vibrated and a photo of Sam working the dimples appeared on the display. *** “Hey, it’s me. If you don’t wanna talk to me, all right I’ll wait for your call. I’m not giving up. I love you.” Sam ended the call before running from his truck and onto the porch to avoid being drenched. He had spent most of the day looking for Andy, and when he had come up empty he’d suddenly found himself driving an all too familiar road to St. Catharines. “Sammy?” Sarah asked confused upon finding her little brother on her doorstep. “Hey Sarah…” Sam walked straight into his sister’s waiting arms. “…hey I’ve got you, I’ve got you Sammy.” Sarah pulled Sam into a hug, and he collapsed in his sister’s embrace thankful to finally being able to let it all go. "Wait", music by Sarah McLachlan |
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I've somehow gotten my muse back as far as writing goes, and figured I'd try my hand at McSwarek. I hope I do them justice. Feedback is needed
















6:18 AM Jul 11